Thursday, April 28, 2011

All the Things We've Never Done

"All The Things We've Never Done" - Martina McBride

A year ago, today...was the first and only time out of our 5 pregnancies...we had an ultrasound that showed an image of a with a heartbeat. I'm not too big on having cryfests on the anniversaries of the times we had misses. I always remember the dates of when I found out I was pregnant...and the days that we lost them...more so because I have a memory for numbers. But today, I had a really good cry...I'm having a really good cry. April 28th, last year...was the day of our 1st ultrasound with our second pregnancy. The time we were pregnant, unknowingly with twins. A few days ago, when Steve and I were talking about everything, he told me he thinks about this day of last year, all the time. It's all he had to say and the tears were pouring from both of us. Hearing that he does too, made me feel even more connected to him. I told him that I think about it often...because it is truly the last time we had any visual proof and visual hope that everything was going to work out. Every once in a while, the image just pops into my mind...staring at the ultrasound screen...praying to see an image...knowing what I was looking for...and then, it was there...this tiny limabean...(what steve called it as soon as it came up on the screen) was still early...and our doctor didn't tell us there were twins until we missed. We were back less than a week later because I was miscarrying. The next ultrasound showed nothing but a blank screen...I knew...and I didn't cry at that moment. It wasn't until our doctor realized that he needed to perform a partial d and remove what was my hormone levels would go down quickly and my body would recover easier. It all happened so fast. In a matter of 30 minutes, I was told I was no longer carrying a baby, that we would have had twins, and I was having a d and c in the office. Steve held my hand so tight during the procedure. I was concentrating on this single painted square on the ceiling...trying so hard to stay calm and pretend it wasn't happening...and then I looked at Steve...his tears were streaming...falling onto my hand...and I lost it. I remember telling my ob at that time, not to worry, that I wasn't in pain and I was just upset. Physically, it wasn't fun...but my heart was aching so much...nothing else could really hurt me.

I know how hard this is for Steve...I know he beats himself up at times...I know he wishes he could change it and he has times of such guilt...times that I don't know what to say or do to comfort him. I know at times, he feels to blame for the reason we don't have a child. I remember hearing this song years ago. My mom burned me this cd. I told her this song was beyond cheesy. Times change, and here I am now...bawling, listening to it...because it says it all for me. The reason I'm reliving everything today, isn't so much because I'm sad about that day, a year ago. I'm thinking about how far we've come since October 09' much we have learned about ourselves...about love...about being tested to your limits. Mostly, I'm thinking about what a wonderful husband I have. I'm thinking about - all the reasons Steve feels guilty, are all the reasons I love him more. I feel so still be here...together...through all the times of insanity...the times of feeling lost and hopeless...the times we wanted to give up. Here we are now...growing stronger...loving more...learning so much about ourselves separately and as husband and wife. I always say to him, "do you really understand how much I love you?"...I love him through it all...I love him when he's being an a**hole...I love him when I'm being a complete b*tch. The times I'm so mad, so loud, so crazy...they are all out of love and passion. I love him no.matter.what.

"I simply blink my eye
And think as years fly by
of all the things we've never done" (Martina Mcbride)

"She smiles and takes his hand in hers
And says It just occurred
To me now
The thought that brings you such regret
What hasn't happened yet
It makes me proud..."

As nuts as things have been at times, this past year...we are still here fighting for it. We want it even more. We are so far from wanting to give up. We are more connected. More passionate. There are the days I can remember thinking, we both have lost our minds...there were fights that were so big, at the time I didn't know how we'd get through...times we felt like - how can we keep doing this? But after this day, a year ago...we had 3 more pregnancies...resulting in 3 more miscarriages...we got news that shook our hearts and souls...we cried, screamed, said words we didn't mean...had days we wanted to say "F this"


We are still here...we are healthy...we are going to keep pushing through...and as trying as times may get in the future...eventually they are going to get better. And most importantly...those good, bad, happy and scary times are all going to be with the man I love and trust...and wouldn't have it any other way with.

"You never walked away
When I needed you to stay
Or made me feel I'm not the one
There've been no broken vows
And the reason we're here now
Is all the things we've never done"

Here's to us, next year, on this matter what...being even stronger, even more in love...and thankful for "all the things we've never done."

"We've never been untrue
And I'm still here with you
Through all the things we've never done"

We have an appointment later this afternoon to talk to our doctor. I will update soon!
Happy Thursday!! <3

Monday, April 25, 2011


"Wildflowers" - Tom Petty

It's late and I should be asleep, but I feel pretty well rested from the past few nights. I always look forward to the night. It's the best time for me to reflect on everything and collect my thoughts. The past few days have been exactly what we wanted them to be...relaxed and with the ones we love. We know this new week is going to be "back to the drawing board" and I'm happy for the extra time we had...with the holiday weekend, to spend time together and make the best of it.

Thursday, my mom and I did some bargain shopping...had dinner together and a lot of laughs. Friday, Steve had off. We were excited to have the day to do whatever we wanted. We planned on running some errands and seeing my brother at his gig later that night. Steve suggested we get a happy hour drink and relax. I didn't know if I felt like having one. We hadn't eaten too much yet...and we all know how that drink, and you feel like you've had 5, when there's no food in you. I agreed anyway. We were having good conversation and enjoying ourselves...and after a bit, Steve was talking about our "situation." I was happy to hear all that was on his mind, but he was just saying earlier how relaxed he was and how he didn't want to have to think about it all till next week. I got upset. We had one of those, "shouldn't have drank on an empty stomach" arguments. We apologized and agreed...we needed food...we needed to take advantage of the next few days and appreciate the "free" days we get each cycle. We went to the mall...sat in the food court, where people watching is always at its best and then headed to see my brother play. I love going to his gigs. He's so passionate and dedicated to his music because it's what he loves...and I respect that so much. He is so talented and it just comes natural to him, to play the guitar and sing. He was singing all of our requests and adding ones that he knew we'd like. He chose, "Wildflowers" as one of the songs to sing at my wedding. He also sang it on Friday night. It's such a sweet and happy song. I found myself listening to it all through the rest of the weekend.

"You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
Sail away, kill off the hours
You belong somewhere you feel free"

Me and my brother, Nicholas @ his gig @ The Craft Ale House <3

Steve and Nicholas

Nicholas <3

much needed grub!!

Day with Mom <3

Saturday, I met up with my mom and friend, Jessica. We caught up over lunch and then I knocked out all my cleaning in one big swoop. Later, that night, Steve and I dyed Easter eggs. He started to boil them before I got home. I was laughing out loud when I went to check them out. He had 3 dozen, boiling! If anyone needs some eggs, you know where to find them. It's fun to be a kid again...and when we came down to the last few eggs, I wished we had more. 3 dozen wasn't too many after all!

Muffin, always wanting to get in on the action :)

Lol, dumbo, me...I'm still scrubbing my hands!

all 36 of em' :)

Muffin loved her egg!

Krimpet and her eggie!

Twinkie stuck his tongue out at it! lol

Jessica and Mom <3

Me and Jessica <3

Half asleep Twinkie and Muffin, greeting us, as always!

We had a nice Easter. We made brunch here and played games...nothing fancy...and it was great to stay in...spend more time enjoying it, rather than spend all day in the kitchen or out. I wish it didn't go by so fast!

Pictures of our Easter <3

Steve and I visiting my Nani <3

Nicholas and Mom @ Nani's <3 *nice sweatshirt ;)

Brigid and Dad @ our house <3

Nicholas Me Brigid and Dad <3

Steve and Brigid <3

Dad and I <3

My Dad...the Easter Bunny! LOL

Easter Baskets from my Mom <3

Ashley Me Nicholas and Mom <3

Me and Mom <3

Me and Steve <3

Ashley and I <3

Me Nicholas and Mom <3

Mom and Twinkie w/his new toy!

Time to eat!!

Playing Cranium...girls against boys!

Nicholas and Steve a smidge :)

Twinkie doesn't want a picture!!

Muffin Bunny Fluffin!

The week has come to an end and it's time to get ready for the new one. We have an appointment on Thursday to talk to our doctor about everything. He's been away, and that helped us in making the decision last week, to stick with taking a break from clomid this cycle. Later this week, we will be approaching mid-cycle. We are trying to keep an open mind and wait to see what he's thinking. If he agrees, we'd like to try this cycle naturally...instead of naturally with added iui...mostly, for a little break. I know there are going to be a lot of emotions soon to come...and more questions. I'm hoping this streak of calmness remains for as long as it can and into our appointments. It's been so nice to truly be able to take things in these past couple weeks...

"You belong among the wildflowers
You belong somewhere close to me
Far away from your trouble and worry
You belong somewhere you feel free

"You belong somewhere you feel free".....

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Long Trip Alone

"Long Trip Alone" - Dierks Bentely

"It's a long trip alone
over sand and stones
that lie along the road
that we all must travel down" (Dierks Bentley-Long Trip Alone)

This post is going to be all over the place...I can already tell...kinda like my mind and I have been lately :)

There are times I love to be alone...the days I take the extra long way home to do some good thinking...the times I'd rather go on a walk with just myself and my music to clear my head. The times I spend running errands and shopping alone...heading up and down the aisles, sometimes, without a need for anything. Every so often...that is just what the day calls for.

Yesterday, I didn't need that...and today, I don't need that. Times spent with the ones I love, happen far more often, than times not...and I like it that way. I have my job to thank, for the gift of time.

My job, cleaning a blessing. That sounds insane, I know...especially, because if you knew me about 10-15 years ago, and you looked into my wouldn't be able to see a bed, or'd see clothes, bags, junk, things I don't think you'd want me to mention...EVERYWHERE!!! I was a slob to say the least. I wish I could find this old picture my mom took of my friend, Jessica, and I. We had a sleepover one night and my mom came in my room and snapped a quick picture. It's like a page out of a "Where's Waldo" book...see if you can find Jessica and Maria in her was that bad. If you looked hard enough, you'd see our two, tiny laying, cracking up, with big smiles across our faces amongst the mountains of crap. My mom was a neat freak. I was not. If I went away, my mom would take days and clean it all up and when I'd come home she'd say, "now, keep it this way!"...yeah, that never happened...sorry, mom :).

I find it so funny that now...I actually love to clean. I admit, sometimes my house is the last thing I want to clean after I've been doing the same thing for hours at work...but even still, cleaning the house is so calming at times and when everything is where it should brings peace to the house and to us. Cleaning offices is like therapy to me. It's the perfect job for someone like me. It feels more like a chore, than a job. It allows me to do what I need to do in my personal life. It allows me all the time I want and need to think in total peace...just me, my trusty cleaner, rags, vacuum and mop. I don't deal with any bs from my job. I don't deal with any people...and after many years in the restaurant business, I LOVE that. The biggest "problems" I have at cleaning, are a super tangled vacuum cord or a million trash cans and boxes to take out when it is down pouring rain (I need a picture of that image, sometime). My boss is the sweetest man. He knows our story, and has been so supportive and understanding. He's like a friend to me. The job is flexible and there's always extra to pick up. I can never be late for work. Dealing with everything in our personal life right now wouldn't go nearly as smoothly if it wasn't for this job. So, there is my little ditty on my of my life's unexpected, little blessings.

my friend, the squirt bottle

my boss is in love with cats, just like me...we feed the stray kitties...i get to be a crazy cat lady @ work too ;)

when finishing up last night, this is what I walked up to, in the dumpster...what in the heck is that!? lol...a gigantic, stuffed, horse/dog? I screamed!!

So anyway...back to what I'm really trying to say here...what this song really means to me...
I'm so thankful to have the time to spend with everyone I love. With all the stuff that is uncontrollable in life, all the scary stuff, all the's nice to have more times than share the good, the bad and the ugly with the people in your life. Most days, it's those people who help make it easier...who bring such joy into your day...who give you peace of mind. I like my times alone...but I cherish my times w/friends and family. At the worst of all worst, I can always count on not judge and to just be there...I time.

"So maybe you could walk with me a while
Maybe I could rest beneath your smile
You know we can't afford to let one moment pass us by
'Cause it's a short piece of time"

Yesterday, I spent the day with my friend, Kelly and her girls, Addison and Chloe. We have been friends since second grade...for 21 years. It's sad when you hear how friends sometimes grow apart when one or both have children. I remember telling Kelly last year in her birthday's a crazy, good feeling...because if anything, we are even closer now. I love her so much. I love her daughters so very much. Kelly and I have shared tons in these 20+ years. We have been through it all together and I'm so happy to be here now...sharing the most important parts of life...the growing pains, the fun girl's nights...everything.

People have asked me, "Does it hurt to see your friends with their children?" answer, truthfully..."Not one bit."...I feel so lucky to be able to share that joy with see them become mothers and fathers...great mothers and fathers at that. If anything, it makes me want it more. Kelly, her girls, and I went to our "old lady lunch" at Olive Garden yesterday...all you can eat soup, salad, and breadsticks for $6.99, baby! I sat next to Chloe and Kelly asked if I'd mind feeding her her lunch. It's times like that, I truly love...and find so far from a nuisance in our times together. Times I get to spend coloring with Addison, or playing hide n'seek...make me smile. Addison has called me Mimi, since she was a baby and it's stuck. I am one grateful, Mimi! We went to the outlets and walked around a bit and as we were leaving, we got that beyond obnoxious, addicting..."Everybody have fun tonight...Everybody Wang Chung tonight" song stuck in our heads, because it was blasting over the outside speakers. We looked up what it meant, on the way home to, "wang chung" lol, and it basically said, "whatever you want it to mean, to be free, to have fun, to just be"....

So on that note, I hope...
everybody has fun tonight...
"Everybody Wang Chung Tonight!"....

Some pictures of the girls <3

Kelly, Chloe and Addison w/Easter treats from Mimi

Chloe and Kelly <3

Me and Chloe @ lunch <3

Addison having some fun in between shopping <3

I'm enjoying this week. I haven't had to think about things. I know next week will be different...but I'm not going to let it take away from the time I have to have fun right now. My mom and I are going to do some shopping and Steve has off tomorrow...looking forward to the holiday weekend with my loves...

"And I don't know where I'd be without you here
'Cause I'm not really me, without you there" <3

Monday, April 18, 2011

My Kinda Party

"My Kinda Party" - Jason Aldean

It's a comfy Monday night. The windows and screen door are open. The kitties look like little statues, so still and close to the screen, watching for any kind of activity going on outside. Steve's in his chair, glued to the tv, enjoying his new birthday games, of course. He gets a night of unlimited gaming time. It's part of his birthday gift...and as his busy tax season has come to an end, he deserves it! I'm perfectly content in his tshirt, gym shorts and xbox headphones plugged into my laptop (to drown out the sounds of his games :)...though, I'm totally pressing mute on my music to listen to him when he plays dj hero). It was a fun-filled, busy weekend...full of celebrating. Steve turned 34. My dad turned 58. We went out to dinner for my dad's birthday, on Friday and Saturday, we had a party at our house, for Steve. I figured, I'd go a little up-tempo with the song today...something fun and not too deep. One of Steve's favorite country singers (he doesn't have many) is Jason Aldean. Steve burned us a few cds for our drive to Tennessee, a couple months ago, and when we listened to the country mix one, he kept saying, "oo what's this...this sounds good...keep this song on". It was almost always one of his songs. And being that, Saturday was his party, with just the right mix of everything and everyone we loved, I'll go with the song, "My Kinda Party" by Jason Aldean.

We love having people over and having a reason to celebrate. We love that my friends are Steve's friends and Steve's friends are my friends. We love seeing everyone together, meshing well and just having a good time with the ones we love, all under one roof.

This weekend, we barely thought about all that we have going on...and that...was a good thing. We needed to relax, have a few days of down time before we gear up for another cycle (which I started on Saturday, right before the the timing)...and as silly as it may sound, a birthday party full of great friends, family, food n'drinks, games and many, many laughs...was "just what the doctor ordered"...

I can't say we did much of anything, he's singing about in this song, LOL...we didn't "get down in the Georgia clay" and we weren't "sippin on moonshine"...but it WAS our kinda party!!

We ordered pizza, served cans of beer in a tin tub, drank wine from plastic cups, listened to music while we chit-chatted, ate and relaxed.

We have soo many leftovers from the, yes lots of meatballs, lol...we have cookies, chips and half a birthday cake. But our favorite "leftovers" are always the memories...

A bunch of pictures to remember Steve's 34th <3 Happy Birthday, Mr!!

Me and the Birthday Boy <3

Muffin eyein' up the sweets!

Steaks and grilling cookbook from Jen and Sean...what a sweet and perfect gift!!

some of the guys

Jessica and Jen <3

Doug and Steve :)

Adam and Noah...chillin ;)

Kim and Noah, under the fort <3

Me and Kelly <3

Kelly and I <3

Kelly and Nicholas :)

Steve's new favorite,Yankees tshirt, complete with his birth year...from Jessica and Ed <3

Ed and Jessica <3

Steve and my Mom <3

Me and the ever so sweet and handsome, Noah <3

Steve helping him try out some Matrix moves :)

He must have told my mom, "again!!" a hundred times, such a sweet<3!

Jessica and Jen helping me with Steve's Birthday cake...I had a Yankees cake made, to surprise him.

Noah took a turn at making a wish :)

Me and Jen <3

Jessica Ed and Kelly <3

Kelly and Kurt <3

Alex and Steve :)

The girls <3

Love this picture!!! looks like he's stuck to the ceiling haha!!

let the games begin...playing catchphrase...hilarious!

suzani Ed!!

the scariest/funniest picture of the night...thank you kelly for capturing this moment, lol!...hahaha my mom knocking us over and me looking terrified as I go crashing into the floor!

what the previous picture, should have looked like ;)

my mom can't give a clue without waving her hand in the air LOL

the late night bunch <3

Alex Steve and Ed <3

Alex, I love your expression!

Me Jessica Ed and Steve <3

Alex and Mom...Kelly and I lol in background at them :)

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I LOVE these girls! <3

These are the times that we really remember. It's so refreshing when you have alot going on in your personal life, to just escape from it all, every so often. My friend and I were just texting about "not thinking about things" you can't ignore your problems, necessarily, but how nice it is, when they can leave your mind for a while, without any forcing them to. Nights like Saturday, are the perfect example. We didn't "not think about things" because of the few glasses cups of wine we had or the hustle and bustle of the party...we didn't think about the tough times because when you're having that wonderful of a night, how can you...
because when you surround yourself with all that is great in your life... with all of the people who you love so dearly...
the ones who are always there for you...
they make it easy to forget the "bad stuff"...

And some pictures of my Dad's Birthday <3

Dad Me Nicholas and Steve <3

Brigid and Dad <3

Brigid and I <3

Dad Me and Nicholas <3

Nicholas, Brigid lol Steve and I <3

I'm going to go now...and play some dj hero and rap star w/Steve, while eating cold pizza...I'm going to forget about it all tonight...because I can...because this week (the 1st week of my cycle) is a "free" week as far as doctor visits, phone calls and medications, go...When next week approaches, we will have our game faces on and be ready to try again.

I hope everyone's week is off to a happy start!! <3
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