Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Not Ready To Make Nice



 
 
"Not Ready To Make Nice" - Dixie Chicks



*Today was wonderful. I read Steve's soon to be published guest blog post, cried so many happy, strengthening tears...proud tears...and am glad to say, I have the next few days off...
It's time to deal with these extra emotions...and these are just a few...
more to come and tomorrow night - when I "publish" Steve's post


"Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting"


This is my first post ever...containing no pictures.
Just words...
They say actions speak louder...
Maybe so, but once you've had the loudest, most cutting, hurtful words spoken to you...
you wonder how there is any action that could possibly break you down more than those words-literally spit in your face at a time when you were at your most fragile...
from someone you loved, trusted, cared deeply for

We've all said things to someone at one time or another that we wish we could take back...words that at the time, flew off our tongues without hesitation...out of anger or frustration...
We've all been on the receiving end of these words as well...

Then there are the things words you just never ever say to someone.
once they are said, that person will never ever forget them.
words that will change everything in the blink of an eye.


It's been a long time coming.
A night like tonight...to put it all to rest.I've told myself for too long, to hold it in...that it would go away...
It hasn't. It won't...until I get it all out.

I consider myself to almost always be the "bigger" person in these situations. I keep my mouth shut alot of times to avoid confrontation...
to keep the peace, usually in the respect of other loved ones involved...
Surely, not myself.

I made myself a promise months ago, to never ever again, give anyone the satisfaction of breaking me down to the point of uncontrollable tears, the gut wrenching kind, that if held in, will only hurt more
I held them in. And when no one was looking I cried a river in a matter of minutes, got back up, wiped my messy face and put a smile right back on it.
but not for me...
...after what I experienced...hateful and hurtful words from someone with nothing short of insane actions to follow...
I promised to always stand up for myself.


I opened my heart willingly...gave all my love...
to someone who confided in me their stresses, fears, and deepest insecurities...emotions that I would never ever use against them or throw in their face...let alone at their worst moments...
and I still wouldn't and never will...


But it isn't because I'm being the bigger person this time.
It's because I'm being me.


 
Thankfully, not every woman knows the pain of a miscarriage...or loss after loss...
And I do believe it to be true, that until it's happened to you, you can't know exactly how it feels.
And I imagine if you are already a mother or have been for some time, even without ever having a loss, maybe you could sympathize a little more.
where you'd never want to put yourself in my situation...


Maybe that's why it hurts so bad.
Maybe it's because I've watched over the past few months, it tear apart one of my dearest loves.
Maybe it's because I wonder how someone could be so hateful and cruel to me at a time when I'm literally losing another...


"I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round"

There are some things you just don't say.

I wonder...
How miserable someone could be, to take your own deepest fear in life...your husband's deepest fear...
of never being able to have a family...after we just find the news that we very well have many more mountains to climb...
and literally, viciously, almost talking and acting like a child, as they throw it in your face-that you might not ever be able to have children...
at a time when you're losing at that very moment and they know it...

how miserable someone could be...
to try (but not succeed) to make you as miserable as them...


There are some things you just don't say.

When all you've ever been is good and pure to them...
How angry can someone be...
How hateful can someone be...
How selfish can someone be...
to take your loss and sensitive matters at that very moment and turn it into force you into a debate about what they'd like or absolutely hate about something having to do with our future child(something so VERY small and petty in the grand scheme of things) and so not their say.

some people think they have all the answers.
some people think they know it all...all of the time.
some people like it their way or the highway.


some people were silly enough to take it


There is no excuse or apology that could or would ever make sense.

There are some things you just don't say


These words spoken...so harsh...so evil...how could someone look you in the eye and say it with an almost cocky satisfaction...
all because they want even the littlest things their way...
things that have to do with children who aren't in the picture at this/that moment...
details as small as a name, or what you might call these someday loves of your own...
are mangled into pieces and made into a catastrophic, unsightly vision of rage...
everything is stripped away from you, your well being at that moment, your ever-breaking heart...
and made into something about them...
instead of your loss.

in cases like these...
alison krauss said it best..."you say it best, when you say nothing at all"


words that if I dare even uttered to someone...someone whose never even had a loss...
even someone I didn't care for at all...
I can't fathom the remorse I'd feel.

There are some things you just don't say.



when you spend hours questioning how...
when you spend times replaying this utterly insane scenario back and forth in your head and wonder how you sat their tight lipped and watched as someone tore you to pieces at one of your weakest moments.
when you spend nights in tears because of all the love you gave and had for that person.

when you've found it hard in the beginning, to talk to friends about it because you're almost ashamed for them and what they did and said...

when you find it hard to even say what took place without crying...
when you feel betrayed...when you feel angry that you didn't stand up for yourself the way you should have...

You come to a place where you know it's time to put it to rest for good.



you know you can forgive in your heart but you will NEVER FORGET.
you know to learn to protect yourself and keep your distance.
you know you have so many people rooting for you, so much love and support and you thank God every single day for them.
your parents, your brother, your dear friends, your loved ones...all there
you pray for the one who has hurt you and you pray for the ones who've loved you through and through.


" I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
with no regrets
and I don't mind sayin' "


you stay true to yourself...
you don't use a name in this post because it is not the type of person you are...

and most importantly, because...

There are some things you just don't say...

<3 data-blogger-escaped-br=""> Maria

7 comments:

{{{Kelly}}} XtOphY Design Studio said...

SO WELL WRITTEN!!!! I couldn't have said it better myself. Some people are just selfish, and sad in their own empty lives, and they lash out at you for no reason. I know this has been so hard for you, and I am so happy that you are at a place to get it out, and walk away. Like you said, never forgetting, but moving on to things ahead. So proud of u! I love ya!!!

Kerstin@TheRealHousewivesofIdaho.blogspot.com said...

I have had that thought a time or two myself. I read a quote the other day that goes "If people are trying to bring you down it only means that you are above them." At least you can sleep well knowing you aren't the type of person that throws something at someone, especially when they are vulnerable and hurting. Hugs to you!

Anonymous said...

Good for your Maria! You're such a strong woman, I know you must feel better putting all of this out there. Some people just suck and are self centered, I know all about it too! I loved the song
<3 Marie

MrsV said...

:(

This post leaves me baffled and confused and sad that you even had to write it <3

I hope writing this has helped you, I'm deeply sorry to find out you ever had to experience such hurt from someone. I hope you truly are able to "walk away" from this person, your much to kind and positive a person to be around someone like that....

I look forward to reading Steve's post(s) I hope you enjoy your time off :)

<3 V

Kelsey Harrington said...

I really hate when people try to make excuses or justifications for other's words and actions.. so I won't try to even speculate as to what was sad and why.

I firmly believe that you have the RIGHT to choose who is in your life, and sometimes you just have to cut people out. No one should be made to feel less than human. Not by a stranger, friend or even a family member.

If you break something against a wall it might make you feel better :) much love!!!

Maria said...

ladies, thank you all so much...for reading and for your support.
it really means alot to me.
thank you for your encouraging words and advice...
thank you for never judging and saying those "things you just don't say".
much <3 to you all!

Diana said...

How could people be so cruel?? Ugh.. The sad thing is.. There's selfish people everywhere. But like u say.. U are the better person. I'm sorry you had a rough encounter. I'm writing this after I read Steve's post.. So all this shouldn't matter anyway. Take a deep breath and read what ur dear husband wrote you. Those are the words u want to hear :)

Big hugs!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...