Saturday, June 18, 2011

Half Of My Heart

"Half of My Heart"  John Mayer featuring Taylor Swift

I remember driving home one day in September, shortly after my third miscarriage, and this song came on the radio.

That night I opened up "word pad" on my laptop and began spilling my feelings...I started what I thought someday, would be the beginning of my blog. And this song triggered my emotions to start writing. I didn't get too far and I remember letting Steve read it. He told me I should keep with it but I never finished. I just wasn't quite there yet.

"Half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time"

Here it is nine months later. There's much more clarity. There's understanding. And I see peace in the future. But my heart is definitely doing some healing.

Our doctor's appointment on Thursday was a 9.5. The only reason it wasn't a perfect 10, was our doctor running an hour behind. This never ever happens and we weren't was just making me more emotional and Steve had to get back to work. Once we sat down in his office, I took a deep breath and was ready to start with the questions. He apologized for the timing and interruptions and even though we knew he had a million different things going on, he gave us his attention and had a permanent smile on his face, that made me feel more at ease. He got out his pen and pad and I noticed a specimen cup to the right of him. I thought, "Oh no Mr, you can put that away this month"...
He asked us how we were feeling and made sure to get down the first day of my cycle. I flat out said to him that Steve and I would like to take this month upon ourselves...with no IUI, no monitoring, no meds (as I haven't been taking for the past few months) and simply wait and see if we were pregnant at the end of this cycle. He said that was perfectly fine and healthy for us, if that's what we feel will help us. I told him that I've been dealing with a lot of emotions and that if we weren't to conceive on our own soon and/or were to get pregnant and lose again, I could sense a change coming.

He then gave us all the info, if and when, on the donor process. He explained the meds that would be used. He explained the costs and the extreme importance of timing on everything. And that's when I really realized how thankful I am to have this next month or however many, to just take a breather...not completely stop...but be able to take it a little bit easier. Because the donor process will involve even more doctor's appointments than we are used to...medications will be introduced again...
and lets not forget, lots and lots of monitoring with Mr. wand ma jiggy.
If and when the time comes, I'll be more than ready for it with a smile on my face.  But, it just proves to us how healthy this month is for us.

We left feeling like all of our questions were answered and it was sweet, when we went to check out, the secretary took our folder and said, "Have a nice day're good" and winked. The long wait earned us a free $40, as they took care of our co-pay. Our doctor did this back in February when we miscarried. No, $40 sure doesn't come close to making up for the loss, but it certainly is nice to not leave, feeling like, "why did I just pay any dollar amount to be told I'm no longer pregnant".

We decided to get bloodwork done that is necessary for the donor process. It can't hurt as it takes a bit for the results to come in (which we already know, having every blood test under the sun in the past years). That is our first baby step. We are holding off on checking out the site with all the donors, for now. We've peeked at them here and there in the past, but I want to concentrate on NOW.

Once I got home and it all started settling in, I began to feel pretty drained. My mind is running a mile a minute...and it hasn't stopped. I know, slowly, each day will bring on pain and healing in different ways. And I'm coming to terms with the fact that this is how it's going to be for now and it is only going to bring me to a happier, peaceful place in the future.

Speaking of happy...Thursday night we celebrated Kelly's birthday, again. Kelly, Jessica and I were excited we all got to have a girl's night again so close to our last. It was a fun one!

Kelly Me and Jessica...Dinner @ Marly's

Kelly and Jessica
Kelly and I

Jessica and I

I think this is "Take 382" of Kelly and I...we were lol at how tired I looked and how much Kelly and I looked like we didn't like each other

Kelly helping me keep my eyes open ;)
we decided, this was the best one LOL

My loves, after a fantastic evening!

Last night, we went to see my brother play @ his newest gig in town. I was so happy, he had a great crowd of friends and family, listening, clapping and singing along. What a great night!

My brother, Nicholas

Me and Mom

Ashley and I

Aunt Sharon and Dave

Ashley and Mom

HAHA Dave and Steve singing along

Me and Brigid

Dad and I

Me Nicholas and Mom

My Mom,  Yee haww Debbie, stealin' the show

Me and Mom

My Babe and I

So, here I am, 10 days into my cycle...the beginning of our "fertile stage". From today, until about Friday...I'm hoping for a bit more of a relaxed approach...maybe the most relaxed since we started. All I'm asking is for one (or two)...(or three?) ;) little month(s) of this luxury.
I have to admit, it does feel good to know I won't be at the doctors until we find out if we are pregnant or not. I have a few ovulation tests left from last month's box. I'm still deciding if I want to use them. Because, come on now...we know the days to take care of business. They unfortunately or fortunately (depending on how you look at it) are programmed into us after it all.

Looking back to September, it wasn't nearly as easy for me to write about and cope with all of this...
And now, I realize, I didn't know what I was missing...
and I realize, how far we are truly coming.

When I really think about it, more than half my heart has a grip of the situation...
Let's go with 80%.
The 20%, that's taking this time, is working on getting there.
And you know, I think there's always gonna be 10% hanging around...that deserves that time. Time to remember this journey. Time to reflect whenever it strikes us.
So, here's to getting to that 90%
and always keeping that 10% deep in my heart.

Last month, Steve surprised me with tickets to the Kenny Chesney concert. We are headed there later this morning. 2 country concerts for Steve, in one month!! Wow, he's surely earned himself some points! ;) I'm so looking forward to it. I feel a good, "free" day ahead of us...
saying goodbye to the tough stuff for the day...
Like the lyrics to one of his songs,
"No shoes, no shirt (ok, I'm keepin' my shirt on, promise), no problem...blues, what blues...hey, I forget em"...

Happy Saturday Everyone!!
Hope your weekend is full of sun and fun!!

<3 data-blogger-escaped-br=""> Maria


Diana said...

I woke up this morning eating my lucky Charms and reading this! What an awesome way to start my morning!! :) I can't say this enough but I just LOVE ur attitude! I will be praying for you ( as always) and hope for some positive vibes. I know in my heart it's going to happen. there is no way in heck that YOU WON'T EVER b a mom. Ahhhh ur such a loving person, how could u NOT b given this joy? it's going to happen my friend.. Believe in it! =) big hugs to u!

Have a FANTASTIC weekend!!! And ugh chyeaaaaaa I'm totally jealous... Kenny Chesney!?!? Ahhhhhhhh!! So awesome!!! I love "no shoes no shirt no problem" & "somewhere with you".... Girlfriend, sing those songs out loud for me ok??? Go ahead act a fool on my behalf! Lol.. Jk... U r blessed , go out and enjoy life =)

Bernadette & Duane said...

I love the music on your blog! You always know how to choose just the right song. And your words are so on point. As someone already "in" the donor stage, you are right in that you will be about 90%- maybe 95% on a good day- ok with the decision. It is what it is and this is what life has thrown at us. Do I wish that I never had to make this decision in the first place? Of course. But we have made the best of it, and not surprisingly, it has made us all the more stronger as a couple. Enjoy your concert!

MrsV said...

I agree with Diana, what a great way to start my morning ;) I had pb toast and oj while reading lol

I hope you have a fabulous weekend, and enjoy some time to focus on you and Steve this month.
<3 V

Rachel said...

It sounds like you are getting to a good place and I am happy you are doing what you need to do this month. You have such a good attitude and I love reading your posts. I hope you have a nice relaxing month :-)

Melissa said...

I've been reading your blog for a few weeks and decided that today was the day to finally comment! You are a great inspiration. Even through all the hardships you really seem to keep a positive outlook and attitude. I'm hoping and praying that you enjoy your one (or two, or three) months off and come to peace with whatever happens! I look forward to hearing about your continuing journey.

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