Monday, June 20, 2011

It Happens and Who You'd Be Today

"It Happens"  Sugarland

It's 2 in the morning and I desperately need some sleep. This weekend was lousy, stinkin'...NO GOOD. And I blame myself mostly. I could go with a really sad, depressing song, but I'd rather not...well maybe, I'll add one later.

So, yesterday's concert was a bust...and it's all my fault. Hmmm, where to begin...because I don't have much energy right now.  I woke up late yesterday...well, later than Steve wanted to leave...I took my sweet ole time getting ready, because you know what, I'm tired of rushing. He was in a huff n puff about it because we apparantely had parking spots saved for us. I kind of woke up on the wrong side of the bed, unfortunately. I was moody...I had so many scary, vivid dreams, Friday night. I woke up feeling cloudy, forcing myself to put a smile on.

After literally driving around for an hour and a half to find a parking spot...because the lots with our friends were full, we found one and parked. I stuffed a half a turkey sandwich down and Steve and I, and our cooler, headed towards our friends. I told Steve from the get go, I was in a stinky cheese mood and just feeling sad and DRAINED. All the emotion dealing is really taking a lot out of me. We get to our friends and I was thinking, I really don't even feel like drinking. Everyone knows what tailgates are like, and I just wasn't in the mood to partake in the games or drink my face off. So I stood there and watched as everyone had fun, smiles on their faces and kinda just felt empty. I really felt like a party pooper and knew that I wasn't feeling myself at all. Steve sensed it and asked if I was okay. I didn't want to ruin the day and plus I felt guilty he got these tickets and I really wasn't feeling the day.

I had one beer and started a second mixed drink...that's all I ever had yesterday...but it was like I had 20 drinks. My emotions got the best of me and there I am, standing, listening to the music blasting out of every one's cars and a song came on that I hoped wouldn't be sung at the concert, for fear of tears coming. And I lost it. It was one of those moments, where you feel, is this really happening? Am I really standing here amongst all these people, not able to control my emotions. UGH.  Steve told me he's pretty sure no one even noticed...which I hope is true, because I was Mascara McGilicutty!! I walked with Steve to get our tickets and was sobbing...totally feeling like the alcohol took over me. Steve didn't know what was wrong. I kept telling him I was okay. He was so concerned and told me there was no way we were going to go into the concert like this. I couldn't get a hold of myself. It's like every little thing that I've been dealing with and going through just ran through my brain...and it's so hard for me to talk about it sometimes. I can't explain it. Maybe it's because I feel like I shouldn't feel like this...I've asked myself all through this week, am I overreacting? Is this normal? And deep down, I know I should be able to feel whatever I do, but I guess I never knew how much it could hurt...and it's hard to sometimes admit that, especially to loved ones.  I guess because I don't want to worry them.

As Steve and I started walking out the parking lot, I was beyond mortified...he kept saying we were going...I made a fool out of myself. People saw me crying...probably just thinking I was crazy drunk...well, I was drunk...drunk on a few drinks and all these purged feelings. I fell asleep in the car after a few minutes...Steve said I was hysterical...and you know, I don't really remember too much more. That's how bad I was.

Ugh, it makes me sick just thinking about it...not even so much that we missed the concert...but that I feel like I ruined what should of been a wonderful day. So much for a "free" day.

This morning, after a very long night, I had one of those, "I hope that was just a dream" moments. I guess that's what needed to happen though. I was super vulnerable. I was so mad at the time, that Steve made us leave, but looking back...uh, yea, I would have never made it or enjoyed myself.  I probably would have tried to jump up on stage with Kenny...steal his guitar and bash it on stage...maybe grab the microphone and sing a sad, pathetic homemade, on the spot song, like Adam Sandler in the "Wedding Singer"while lunging myself off stage into the crowd . We fought alot...but it was nonsense.  I wasn't even making any sense.  I didn't get anywhere with my state of mind and this morning, when I was crying to Steve about how sorry I was, how much I wish it didn't happen, how bad I felt. He said, Maria...
it happens.

He said it's over and done with and we move forward. He told me he could tell I was hurting badly yesterday...that it wasn't just "o, you had too much to drink"...and he said, "you had your turn"...because back in November, Steve had one of those nights...It was the week after us finding out about his karyotype results. We went out with friends for a drink and after one drink, Steve's acting like he just drank a bottle of the point where he was crying for everyone to see. And that night I let him cry and scream and get angry and not make sense, because I knew he needed to. It was him being vulnerable and in a way, it was comforting...because I knew he needed to let it all out.  He felt so bad the next day...he was ashamed.  I know how he felt...

So, yesterday...I had that moment.
Shit Happens

Steve can be a hard head a lot of times but he forgave me and told me what I always tell myself..."everything happens for a reason"...maybe it needed to.
and just exactly like all I'm trying to deal with in this journey, I need to learn to "LET GO"...
Steve said something to me today, that really made me thankful...he told me that I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself for this or that.  And he is so right.  We talked about how we need to get back to a routine.  I need to start taking better care of myself. And I'm going to touch on these points and more in a later post. As Steve mentioned in his guest post, we can't let this dictate our life.  And it gets in the way...especially lately...
Working on finding that balance amongst the chaos. 

I'm sorry Kenny Chesney...I totally missed your concert. All because I acted like a complete fool...

I used to listen to this song after my first few miscarriages and pretty much have a pity party late at night...I have this collection of songs, I try and not listen to...I have to stop and realize, it's okay to's okay to hurt...
and this is the song that was playing yesterday...

"Who You'd Be Today"  Kenny Chesney


"Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday

Someday, Someday"

Thanks for listening to my ramblings and my pathetic story of pa-thet-ic-ness(yea, that's a word)...I'm hoping for a brighter week! It's just gotta be.  I cleaned too much today...I still feel like I'm walking. Luckily my mind is turning off...going to take a shower (actually, in our bedroom shower) steps...

Happy Monday, Please o Please be Happy!!



Bernadette & Duane said...

Oh Maria you did not act like a fool at all. These moments, they can't be predicted and it's not our fault that we are the product of experiences that bring them on. I can vividly recall a few of my own moments-- always on the most completely inappropriate, unexpected day. Weeks after I thought I had finally gotten a grip on everything. You need to have them because it's all part of the grief process. Unfortunately, in the meantime, it just sucks. Hugs to you and better week!

Mrs. E said...

I'm sorry you had such a bad day :( Steve's right though: It happens. Trust me, I've been there too. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Of course it's good to stay positive, but we all need our breakdowns as well. It's healthy and normal. I'm sorry you felt so sad though!

{{{Kelly}}} XtOphY Design Studio said...

Try not to be so hard on yourself. I know how you feel and how deep these emotions cut. I don't think you are a fool at all. What you have been through in nearly two years is more than most people deal with in a lifetime. You know how choked up I can get about things....many years later. I know how that feels to lose control of my emotions (even over stupid stuff). You have ao many people who love and care about you. And we all know it is okay for you to sort thru these feelings. And we all will be here for you no matter what. I love ya! Xoxoxoxoxo

MrsV said...

Ohh Maria ! <3

I'm so sorry you had such a lousy weekend! It was something that needed to happen unfortunately, you needed to breakdown sometime. It's natural and a healthy part of grieving, so now you can check breakdown off your list ;). You are such a strong and amazing person, but you don't have to be strong all of the time. Hopefully this week will be better
<3 V

Diana said...

Do NOT feel like a failure or bad in any way. Shit does happen! All the time.. And sometimes u just gotta go off on life and just cry it out! Its ok. Infertility is such a devastating thing to go through. and it takes a strong person to go thru it and unfortunately it's US that have to deal w it. Not others who have life so easy!! I want to scream at times at all these people that have it soooo easy! Why dammit!?! Why!?! 

Anywho... U are so brave and awesome Maria. It's ok. we all have our days. Big hugs to you! I hope ur day is a little better today... U should go get an ice cream cone!! :) xoxo gf!! 

By the way... I LOVE that part of the wedding singer!!! my fav part... Lol.. 

U rock Maria! WE ALL ROCK!! WE ARE THE STRONGEST WOMEN OUT THERE! U better believe it! =)

Rachel said...

Oh Maria I am sorry you had a crappy weekend but you know it is perfectly fine to "Have A Moment". You have been through more than most and you are very strong and sometimes when we tell ourselves "It's ok" when it's not then it all builds up and comes out when we don't expect it. I am a proud member of the "let it build up club." Thank goodness my Husband is a psychologist (well industrial psychology but he still took classes in human psychology - he makes me talk about things right then and there and not push it down, as much as I hate it at the time).

I think Steve is right. It sounds lke you both are well over due for some "normal" and to get back to taking care of you.

I hope you had a Happy Monday! Big HUGS!!! And know it's ok to cry and express your emotions, you are only human :-) <3

Sending my wishes to you that everything will be ok, no wait take that back, better than ok that everything will be GREAT!

Kelsey Harrington said...

I didn't know you were having such a rough night! I'm sorry :( The good thing about crying in front of a bunch of strangers is.. they don't know you and won't ever see you again. Don't worry about it! I'm sure you feel embarrassed and like you ruined the night, but everyone single person on this earth is entitled to be emotional and have a crappy night if they need to. Sometimes the only way to get better and find peace is to let yourself be a complete emotional fool.
Kyle and I have been talking about not letting our loss define us as well - it's so hard when it's all you know though. It goes back to what I said earlier, that there is no way or a step by step process to "move on" from these losses.

I will tell you that I feel they happened to us because we can handle them. It's a sick truth I feel in my heart.. i'm strong enough for it (Even though sometimes I don't feel that way) - and we all know you're the strongest of us all. But being strong doesn't mean you have to be emotionless. Cry it out girl.. and blow your nose on Steve. That's what he's there for :)

Stinky said...

Awwww, loves to you. Really sucks when everything comes up like that, and I think there would be something wrong with you if you didn't have those moments. Always the most inopportune times.

Songs are so powerful. I have a list of songs that still conjure up a tear and have been deleted from my playlists!

~Jess said...

MAJOR HUGS to you! I remember those nights....I'm usually over emotional, but I remember vividly the night I found my husband curled up on the bathroom floor sobbing because he couldn't have kids, because we couldn't. One of the scariest nights in my life. But, as you said....they need to happen....sometimes we have to let ourselves go and be vulnerable before we're able to move forward and start small steps toward healing *HUGS*

Thank you for your comment on my blog :-)

Life in the White House

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