"Letters From The Sky" - Civil Twilight
I chose this song in an effort to simply mellow out and as I'm concentrating on the lyrics, I'm realizing...this song is a pretty good fit.
This week is going by super fast and I guess I'm happy about that. I've spent time with good people and kept very busy. And for some reason, I've been exceptionally moody and testy. My cycle ended Tuesday so I know it can't be pms...but it sure feels like it. I've been getting frequent headaches...which I am not used to. I just have that on and off urge to throw an angry, screaming, kicking tantrum.
It's all part of the process.
The process of decision making
waiting for it all to make sense and click
and even though I've not felt the greatest, I know it's not a bad thing. I'm really working through my feelings and I'm sure it has something to do with my mood.
And in about 9 hours, I see more weight being lifted and a better day.
I made an appointment for Steve and I to talk to our doctor today. When my cycle started very early Thursday morning, my usual instinct would be to call our doctor's office as soon as the clock strikes 8am...but I didn't. I wasn't ready to schedule an appointment because I wasn't sure yet what I wanted that appointment to be about. Then Friday came and I still didn't call. I wanted the weekend to process some more. Steve told me "the ball is in your court hunny, I'm game and here no matter what"...and if and when he used to say that a year ago or even months ago, I'd be all, "What?! No, Steve!! We are a team, it isn't just my decision" and he'd respond, "Maria, I want you to be happy, it is your body...I don't want to cause you any more pain"...
Now, I'm happy to hear him say that. Because now, I need some time to take it all in and deal with pent up emotions. It's my turn to deal a little more...and it's a comfort to know, whenever I'm ready for whatever I'm ready for, Steve is on my team.
This, at least, I know...
I don't want to do an IUI this cycle.
I don't even want to be monitored mid-cycle.
This would be the first time I haven't been at least monitored during my cycle.
I want a few weeks of complete freedom
and am hoping for some peace.
Because I know, this could very well be our last month trying like this...
It's an open book right now and it's kind of scary and exciting at the same time...
Because even though I'm a crankmeister lately,
I know it's part of the healin' and dealin'
If this may possibly be our last month like "this"...
I want our fertile week to be up to us...I want one month where our doctor doesn't tell us when to have sex.
I want a little less pressure
And I think the less stress, the more I can deal with what I'm dealing with.
Don't get me wrong, We are going to try this cycle...and I'm going to know when I'm about to pop out an egg...
Steve said to me earlier, on the phone, "What are your questions for the doctor, because I feel like I don't have too many"...and I snapped at him, "What do you mean you don't have any?"...hung up and texted him a pathetic sad face and said, "thanks, Steve...that really made me feel even better."
And then, I boo hoo'ed my way home while listening to some country tunes...walked in all huffin' and puffin' and he just hugged me... said, "I'm sorry, my intentions weren't to upset you...I'm just forgetting that you have so much you need to deal with"...and he's right...
And where this may come out wrong, Steve had alot of time to deal with his issues and where he was so strong for me in so many ways...I had to be strong for the both of us in every aspect of this journey and I didn't get the time to heal like he did.
I'm beyond grateful he is at the place he is. And I know he didn't mean to hurt me.
I'm happy he's letting me take the reins.
And when we walk into that office, I know we are both going to be rattling off questions...
Telling our doctor our plan for this cycle.
and I love that I know we can "tell" him...I mean, of course, it is ultimately our decision, but I know our doctor will say whatever feels good for us, feels good for him.
I know he definitely thinks if we are to get pregnant "naturally" again, and we are to lose again, it's time for us to think about closing this chapter...and I don't blame him...
because we do too...
Not being negative, but being realistic, we are going to ask a lot of questions about the donor process...so if and when, we are prepared.
This much I know...
And where there's a tiny ounce of me saying, why not just close it now...
As feelings were poured out in previous posts, you already know why it's not quite time...
And I have so much faith that each day, even the really crappy ones, are bringing us closer to our baby.
This week surely wasn't all a pile of poo...
So Thursday, please be good to me...
I know you will...I feel it.
Just gotta keep telling myself and believing, what is meant to be...will be...
And though I've heard this song plenty of times,
I've never really noticed just how "appropriate" it is...
"One of these days the sky's gonna break and everything will escape and I'll know
One of these days the mountains are gonna fall into the sea and they'll know
That you and I were made for this
I was made to taste your kiss
We were made to never fall away
Never fall away
"One of these days letters are gonna fall from the sky telling us all to go free
But until that day I'll find a way to let everybody know 'cause you're coming back, you're coming back for me
'Cause even though you left me here I have nothing left to fear
These are only walls that hold me here
Hold me here
One day soon I'll hold you like the sun holds the moon
And we will hear those planes overhead and we won't have to be scared
We won't have to be scared
We won't have to be scared"
Happy Thursday Everyone!!
Kick Back and...
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*I will update on our doctor's appointment soon
and um, I totally just watched back to back "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" 1 and 2!