Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Say




"Say" - John Mayer

*and the award for the longest post in the world goes to...

"Take out of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all your so-called problems,
Better put them in quotations"


I've fought since the day I started this blog on when I'd write this post. When to just say it. I thought there would come a day that it would just seem like perfect timing. And for whatever reason, I don't think there's any better time than now for me to...

"Say what I need to say"

The reason it's been so hard to say "it," isn't because of "it" itself
It is the reasons why I haven't been able to say it...
For the past 7 months, since we learned of Steve's inversion, I've spent countless hours talking to friends, family and God...asking for a sign...
a sign to know why...one that speaks loud and clear...on why I haven't been able to truly feel at peace with it. And those reasons will come out in my next post.

Today,
I want to let out - an option...
an option I've spoken of throughout my posts but never gave a title to...

Without jumping right into an "explanation"...
I'm just going to say it...

Sperm Donor

If it's any indication on how much this blog carries the deepest parts of my heart and soul and how therapeutic it is to put it down in words, for me and all the world to see, without any shame...
As soon as I typed sperm donor, my eyes welled up with tears, that are falling freely as I write, as my heart beats faster, my shoulders feel light and free of thousands of pounds of pent up weight and worry...
and I haven't even pressed "publish" yet.

"Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living up the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only . . .
SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY"


Sperm Donor.

In our 20 month journey so far, we have learned the lesson of taking one day at a time. This concept was far from easy for someone like me. Someone who's stubborn. Someone who doesn't give up easily. Someone who's a fighter and sometimes their own worst enemy. And I know that is part of why I haven't written about it...because we aren't there yet. Because today we aren't using donor sperm and very well might not be next month or the one there after. But in so many ways, we are there.
Since we got the news in November, that we may never be able to conceive a child that is genetically mine and Steve's...
It toughened me up...sometimes I fear too much. Yes, I cry every single day, some days, every single hour here and there...but I've kept the drive...I've never quit. We've never quit.
But it's some of those reasons why, I question, and I will get to them in my next post.

I can remember the week I found out. The first few days a blur. Getting the news while cleaning, sobbing on my brother, calling Kelly and literally screaming, crying, begging for someone to wake me up from this horrible dream. Crying so hard with Steve, I didn't know how we had any tears left at the end of each day. And then they stopped for a bit. Kelly asked to take me out for a drink. It was only 3 nights after we got the news. I felt numb but so unusually strong. Maybe it was the vodka...maybe it was that second martini w/an extra rocks glass containing even more martini. And it most certainly was my friend of 20 years, sitting there for hours past her bedtime with consoling, non-judgemental words...words that truly made me feel like I'm going to be okay. Steve and I are going to have a family...one way or the other. All of the loves of my life pulled us through in ways I don't think I could ever thank them enough for...
And they continue to love unconditionally, make us feel so blessed, in ways I pray we make them feel even half as much. Friends who couldn't have the slightest way to relate to what we are feeling, friends with children, friends without, new friends that I'm getting to know, my mother, my father, my brother, our doctor, my faith...
I am forever grateful for.

November was a whirlwind, after 13 months of this "game."  Weeks after finding out the news, I was pregnant for a fourth time, miscarrying early before Christmas. I was okay. We were okay. I kept telling myself that at least. It was in January, before our first IUI, our attempt at a fifth pregnancy, that our doctor discussed with us, the reality that Steve's inversion might be too large and causing our odds to be even lower. He supported us all the way, said to "get back up on that horse" and go again. He told us, out of all the couples that come in to see him, we were the couple that stood out the most as a team...that we come to appointments together, hand in hand.
He told us he believed we should and could go again...and we did.
And February was the last time we were pregnant. Here it is, another four cycles after. I haven't tested still, but feel the symptoms of my period. I'm waiting to see if my period shows Wednesday. I've made that decision. I've made it this far, right?! Though, each cycle we don't get pregnant is a bigger kick in the gut.

In a lot of ways...

I consider it a blessing in disguise.

Sperm Donor.

It has been strongly recommended by our doctor, if we don't find ourselves pregnant after more failed cycles...
or another miscarriage...

Our doctor, in no way shape or form has ever been pushy, demanding or pressuring...
but more an honest, good man who sees what Steve and I are about. Behind the crisp white jacket, the office containing all of his awards and diplomas...is a man with a big heart, who loves like Steve and I love.

He has said from the beginning, when we first met, that if it came to this point...the point of loss after loss...that he couldn't see a more suitable and perfect option for us, being that I can carry a child. And where Steve and I have been through every "what if" and every "is this right, is this wrong?"...
we know in our hearts that if and when the time comes...
Sperm Donor will be our new blessing in disguise.

You go through life having to make so many decisions. Life is a big, fat barrel of decisions. Should I be a teacher or a toilet scrubber? (toilet scrubber). Should I wear chapstick or hot pink lipstick? (hot pink lipstick). Do you want bacon with that? (uh-huh) Do you want to biggie size that? (Yes, yes I do and can I add a Frosty too)...
But you better believe I had no idea, from even the wee age of 15 when I dreamed of being a mother, to almost another 15 years later...
That I might be faced with the decision of, "would you like DNA containing brown hair or blond hair, green eyes or brown, 5ft10 or 6ft4"...

That being said, we have a choice...a choice that no one else can make for us...one that only we know the answer to. One that is truly God's will, if it is to work out or not. To still be given hope and the faith that I will be able to carry our child, that I will be able to deliver a healthy baby, that I will get to experience that magical time with the man I love (his DNA or not)...
to have hope that I will be able to give life to our child someday...
is something that I have unlimited amounts of overwhelming happiness for.
It may not always show, but it's there in my soul.


Our doctor told us from day one, that because he knew I had everything I needed to carry on a healthy pregnancy and more importantly, a healthy child...
that we'd be on the other side of this with a baby in our arms.
Our very first appointment, he left us with the words..."my goal is to see you walk out of here with the family you want and deserve".

And at one of our last appointments, we scheduled a few months back...(the one in March, where we let it all out)...Steve and I sat there, feeling so lost at the time, so at our wit's end...and then...
He said this to us...a few little sentences that were so profound and changed a lot for us in a matter of seconds.

"With everything you've been through, more shit than most couples ever have to deal with, let alone in only a few years of marriage...you're both still here...you've remained faithful to one another...you haven't given up...When you guys walked in here months ago, your goal and dream was to establish your family...to carry a child...and nothing's changed about that...because you both can still have all that"...he gave us this smile, the kind where your eyes get squinty, face scrunchy, lips tight...and we could see how much he cared and how much he really got us...

In less than a second, he was passing the box of tissues over.
He took the words right out of my mouth heart.

There were times, after our last miscarriage...where Steve and I said things to each other that will stick with me always.
By far the saddest thing Steve has said to me (when we first found out of the inversion in Nov.) was..."Some bum on the street can give you more than I can" as he sobbed and slammed his fists down on our kitchen counter)...
Here we are, months have passed, so many revelations, so many prayers, so many nights of intimate talks, so much connection between the both of us...and now I hear so much beauty...and am proud to say...
A month later, I heard, "Maria, when I married you, there was no doubt in my mind, I couldn't wait to have children together and still, without a doubt, I would never want any different than for you to carry our child and deliver our child"...and more months have passed...
Just the other day, Steve said to me, "I can't wait for the days when I come home and our son or daughter runs up to me after a long day of work...and it doesn't matter if they have my DNA or not"...

It's funny how time changes us. How in the moments of pure despair you literally feel like your life is coming to a screeching halt...that there is no way it's ever going to get better...

and through all the bullshit still...
it gets better.
of course, in my times of pure crap days...I'm negative nelly...I'm polly pissy pants...
But it really gets better.

There have been nights Steve's woken up to me sniffling, balled up in the corner of the bed, crying so hard out of frustration and endless thoughts...
He pulls me close and tells me it's going to be okay...

And I'm starting to truly know it is.

Because that man who's been sound asleep upstairs, while I sit down here and type and type away...
DOES have it all to offer...THAT NO OTHER MAN COULD...

I didn't marry Steve for his DNA.

I don't love a person because of their genetic make-up.
Do we love someone because they have the same blood?
Or do we love without reason...without question...
and do we accept someone for who they truly are.

If sperm donor is our route...
Will I ever look at our child like he/she is only mine?
absolutely.never.ever.
EVER.

Last night, I sat and listening to so many healing songs...digging so deep into my soul and I found a peace I haven't felt in a while...

In the beginning, of first receiving the news, the months that lied ahead...We were gasping for air...pleading with God to heal our hearts...asking for guidance towards the right path...from everyone...but the truth lied inside us all along.

Where we were too busy worrying about never being able to have a child the way we dreamed it'd always happen...the way everyone thinks it will happen...
you know the way...
perhaps a few months of passionate lovin', a positive pregnancy test, a handful of ultrasounds showing a healthy beating heart, picking out nursery designs and the cutest baby clothes...then 9 months later, a child...

That dream turned into this road we are still traveling on.
I used to believe that I could never feel complete, never feel content, never feel at peace if Steve and I couldn't have it that way. I was foolish, I was naive...I was blind to what really matters.

Because, last night, I smiled through my tears...
Down this road we've been taking...I've seen more raw, absolute, pure love than I could ask for in a lifetime.
And that path I thought was needed to achieve a family...
is even more amazing because we're fighting for it, we're growing bolder and more wise to what truly is important...


And I have this happy aching in my chest...because I know whenever Steve and I are moments away from meeting our child...
we are going to look at each other (no matter how bad it hurts to push out that baby)...
the past years will flash across our faces in moments
we will meet that little big love that we created
and this journey will be one we wouldn't have any other way...
and no matter which way created,
the path was the most crazy beautiful one...
and the appreciation we will feel,
I doubt will be able to be put into words.


I've never had to work for anything harder in my life.
I've never wanted anything more in life.
and when we reach the top of that mountain...
We will never love anything more in life.

I do not believe that it is sperm that constitutes a man a father.
I believe in the one thing that has shown me more joy and peace in life than any other...

I BELIVE IN LOVE
************************************************************************
"Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
"


I can't believe I said it. I really can't...I got this part out...I made it out alive.

In just a matter of a few hours, I have this feeling of such peace right now...it's going to make the next post easier to get out...
It's going to make getting a possible negative easier.
It's going to continue to make life better.
(just like the bracelets from the concert, I chose when my Mom said, "which ones do you want?"..."I want FAITH and PEACE"

I have faith and peace <3 "SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY" Thank you so much...to everyone...you all know who you are...
In two months, from the day of starting this blog, I've "met" so many women...Women going through loss, going through infertility, women who've lost their living, breathing children... Women who tell me I inspire them and I wonder how, when they are the ones inspiring me.

a special thank you to Diana. (you can click on her name for her blog). Though we just met a few weeks ago, she's taught me a lot...

That it's,

"better to say too much
than never to say what you need to say again"

*I'll be back tomorrow...
ready for more peace...
ready to tell my story of why it's so hard for me to end this chapter...
and why it might not be our time to just yet.

Thank you for lending an ear, kind words and thoughts
but most of all,
thank you for lending your heart

my guy, Twinkie...always knows best

LOVE TO ALL <3
Maria

12 comments:

KellBellz said...

Great post and so well put. You really have a way with words! Fingers and toes were crossed all last night in hopes that maybe this cycle is your lucky one! <3

lovejoy_31 said...

you are absolutely amazing. I can't imagine the angst it has caused to get to this point. We all fight our own battles, but are connectd in the most sincere way. And I am praying that you won't have to get to that point.

Nicole410 said...

I just cried so much from your post. I pray for nothing but the best for you and your husband during this journey.

Mrs. E said...

Maria, I wish I could express how this post touched me as eloquently as you expressed your own thoughts... It brought me to tears, not because of sadness, but because of hope. Your hope inspires me; you are proof that we--all of us who deal with infertility--can overcome this pain of broken dreams, wishes, and expectations, and that we will come out okay. Though we may not build our families exactly the way we wanted, we *will* be okay, even if it takes time. I so admire your strength, and I can never thank you enough for your honesty.

I wanted to tell you that the night I found your blog was one of the hardest nights for me. I felt absolutely broken, as cliche as that sounds (and I hate cliches!) I know that in many ways, I'm at the beginning of my journey, but nearly two years of failing naturally still feels like failure... And while I pray that medicine can help, getting to this point still hurts... So, the night I found your blog, I am a little ashamed to say that I was feeling ready to throw in the towel. At least in that moment, I was ready to give up... And then I read your first post, and something changed. I felt more hope than I had felt in a long time. Your positivity was inspiring, but your openness was what drew me in. I felt so much less alone, and I want to thank you for that--sincerely, and from the very bottom of my heart.

Whatever happens at the end of this 2ww, I am cheering for you both. ((hugs))

Diana said...

My sweet sweet friend Maria! Thank you for this amazing post you wrote. I am currently in the back office at work reading this and I have tears. you are such an inspiration to me and to others and I wish you nothing but the best with your journey. Your words are so perfect and everything you said, I felt also. When we sat in front of the computer and had to decide which one and look at characteristics.. Ugh I lost it. How could my life come to this? By clicking boxes of how I would want my child to be. Sounds crazy! But at the end, it is sooooo worth it. I promise you. Steve is a great guy and supports you and y'all will make incredible parents! There is no doubt! I will continue to pray for u and for others that you have inspired as well. Just like the quote I posted yesterday.. "even miracles take a little time." don't forget that ok. Your miracle is on it's way! Believe it.

Thank u again for this and for mentioning me in your blog. So sweet of you! :) we will be keeping in touch, u can bet on that! Big hugs to you! Have a wonderful day.

Ps. Great song by the way! :)

MrsV said...

Oh Maria, there's something about the way you write...your honesty and optimism, how you bear your heart and soul into your blog. I noticed it right away the first day I read it, back in April. I was still hurting myself and your blog has helped me stay as positive as possible, thank you for your support. I wish for the best for you and Steve, I wish for your bfp more than my own. You guys will make amazing parents, DNA does not matter as long as there is love. As someone who has had a few different father figures in her life I can tell you that the one I share my DNA with is the one I feel least connected to, even now that we've had the chance to bond.
Remember, whatever happens this week only brings you one step closer to the end goal. <3 <3
V

Adi said...

Beautifully written. I love how you can draw such beauty from your pain.

It's true what other people have said though: sperm does not make you a dad any more than inheriting a farm makes you a farmer...it's about putting in the time and effort and giving of yourself.

Sending you my best wishes and hopes that your dream is closer than you think.

Kelsey Harrington said...

PS. Even though I don't care for fluffies - that picture is pretty cute.

Carlia said...

what a beautiful post. i can't believe how much you two have been through and i am so impressed by your fortitude, determination, and loyalty to each other. his DNA or not, it would still be your husband's child. i think it's great to be open to whatever avenues you may need to take. i truly wish you the best in all of your treatments and decision-making. it can't be easy to be faced by another fork in the road, but it sure feels good to at least have options. big hugs!!!

Maria said...

Well written and so touching. You and your husband will make excellent and very loving parents!

Rachel said...

Very well said. You touched my heart and almost started crying at work for you and for me and for everyone else that is feeling the same. I hope I am not emotional because of PMS but I think I know that this cycle it didn't happen. I love reading your post and you inspire me each and every time you write. I am hope you and I both will have a positive result soon :-)

Kerstin@TheRealHousewivesofIdaho.blogspot.com said...

I have no doubt that you are your husband will be parents one day (however that may come to be). I 100% agree with you that you can love someone regardless of their DNA. We love our spouses and friends and they aren't blood related.

If you can go through this and still love each other you can handle anything that comes your way! :)

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