"Paper Airplane" - Alison Krauss and Union Station
* I promise, after this post...I won't write until your eyes bleed...
I've been staring at the screen for quite some time now...
deciding on where to start.
I guess it's not so easy to put into words exactly why...
Why it took me the time it did to get to my post, "Say"...
My emotions have been all over the place...even more so than usual...
Feelings are surfacing.
Feelings that have been buried deep, that I haven't allowed to truly come out...
They've been sneaking their way in over these past months...and now, I'm ready to deal with them. I want to deal with them.
This was the first song I listened to when I bought this cd, "Paper Airplane," last month. It spoke to my soul (as all of her songs do).
And it helps me find some understanding in the stampede of questions, memories and desires running through my head and heart.
"I've put it all behind me, nothing left to do or doubt
Some may say
But every silver lining always seems to have a cloud
That comes my way"
I've put a lot behind me...and not in just these past couple years...
These past almost 29 years.
But there's something so different, so challenging...about a miscarriage...let alone 5 in a row...
It's all I've known...to become pregnant and to lose.
And where we know and feel there (and as I stated to the best of my ability in my last post), about sperm donor very much looking like the route we may be pointed towards and blessed to take...
There are just so many things I need to shake.
I am fully aware that this journey will always be with me.
And despite all of the bumps and twists in the road, I am thankful for them. They made me who I am. They poured so much beauty into my marriage.
But "every silver lining does have a cloud"...
And those clouds are some memories I tried and tried to push to the side...ones I locked away in hopes I could eventually forget...and that's where the problem lies.
"Anticipated pleasure or unexpected pain
No choice I feel"
When I heard these lyrics, I got chills...
Anyone who has dealt with loss(es)
Anyone who has tried again...or again and again...
Knows the feeling...
Another positive pregnancy test
But the fear of losing again.
And in my case, I feel stripped away of that magic that you're supposed to feel when you see those 2 lines.
I can deal with that. I've grown extremely accustomed to that reality.
I fully believe that everything happens for a reason and it is God's will as to what lies ahead...
What I
And you know what, I didn't...
Sure, I cried until my face went numb, until my eyes glued shut...
But I always told myself, told friends and family...tried to make myself believe..."those weren't babies, they were just pregnancies"...
But they weren't just pregnancies...
They were babies and that makes me so sad...
My mom said to me a few weeks ago, "They were babies Maria, there was life inside of you...that you created"...and when I got in my car and left her house, I cried at those truthful words...
And just like in my post, "Say", when I finally typed sperm donor and the tears started coming...
As soon as I typed "they were babies", my eyes swelled up with mini buckets of tears, that are pouring down my face.
I know for myself, it will always be my instinct and the only way for me...
TO KEEP GOING AND TO NEVER GIVE UP
but I tried to push aside the grief I felt and I'm mad at myself for that...
I know I shouldn't beat myself up...I know everyone deals differently...but the truth is...
If it wasn't for all of those tiny little babies and the spirits they left behind...the beginning of something that I wanted more than anything else...
I wouldn't be so strong.
Each loss just makes me want a baby and family even more. It rips another piece of my heart out and makes up for it with an added boost of strength to keep moving forward.
"People come together, people go their own way
Love conquers few
And I'll do whatever I'll say what I need to say
Just
I consider myself lucky enough to be able to grasp onto so many hidden valuable lessons in this journey.
I consider it a way for a lover like me to love even greater...to be able to experience a connection with my husband like one I never knew existed.
And where in the beginning of the talks of sperm donor, over a half a year ago, Steve was terrified, too proud, too heart broken to deal with his true feelings...
He's come to such a place of peace and he did it himself...
I got angry in the beginning...told him he couldn't do it all alone. And where he had the support of a few friends, he really did need to take that time and look inside himself.
And now there's a man who's changing, who's loving in a way he says he's always wanted to...who's bettering himself every single day in all aspects of life.
And here's me, chuggin' along...
But now needing to take my time to deal with these unraveling feelings.
When something like this happens, the only thing I know how to do is be strong...and Steve as well...
But I need to realize it's ok
Wednesday while cleaning, I was slow movin', because of the near 100 degree weather but more so because I wanted to be...I was doing some good thinking and sorting...
And then, while taking out the trash, something so silly happened, that helped me put into words what I've been trying to understand myself all along...
My maybe, not so attractive, but o so comfortable flip-flops that I literally live in day in and day out, finally said, "I've had it lady"...
My first thought was "Shit".
And as I made my way back, I thought..."No, I don't want to let these go...I love these darn things"...
And there it was...
I don't want to let go.I don't want to let go...of something that has been all I've known, that's brought me comfort, despite how much it might be time for a change...
And I found it even crazier and more of a sign, that these flip flops were purchased (for a whopping 99cents @ Sears, I might add)the day before our honeymoon...
The very same beginning of our journey of trying to start our family...
As insane as it may sound...this whole journey we've been on, is one that's hard to let go of.
It's all we've known. It's become so natural to us. It's brought on sadness I'd never wish on anyone.
And in return, it brought on a kind of love and passion, I'd hope everyone gets to experience at least once in a lifetime.
I said to Steve Wednesday afternoon, when spilling my heart out to him and later, us talking about what to do (now that my period arrived Thursday morning) "I don't want this to come out hurtful, and it probably will but please try and understand"...
And then I said, "I feel really lost here because if I stop and really put into perspective sperm donor...if it was physically possible for the doctor to tell us, ok...You're going to be pregnant next month...I'm going to perform an IUI with Steve's sperm and donor sperm and you will be pregnant for sure with a healthy child...we just will have to wait and find out in 2 weeks who's sperm took...
I would feel the exact same happiness, joy and LOVE, no matter whose sperm it was...
Because,
You're the father no matter what.
and in that moment I felt scared of what Steve would say but like I just truly spelled it all out in the most perfect way I could
And Steve said, "Maria, I know...I feel the exact same way"...
Shortly after I received a text from him "I love you hunny"...
To which I replied, "what was that for" because we had just gotten off the phone.
He had read my "Say" blog and told me he didn't need to have a reason, he just did...
and it just feels so good for me...
"How many days should I smile with a frown?
'Cause you're not around with the sun on your shoulders
And how many nights must I wake up alone
And know in my soul that it's almost over now?"
These are the questions I'm asking myself over and over again.
Aren't so many of us women, who are riding on this road?
Or anyone for that matter...who is dealing with a battle of when to move on, how to let go and know that it's okay to end a chapter and begin a new one.
I guess the best way to say what hurts me most, is that I ache so badly... that even someone as brutally open as me has found it hard until now, to say how much I deeply miss those
For lack of better words...(words that when I said out loud and silently, a million times yesterday brought me peace)...
When I think back and look at every single one of my losses, it rips my heart out that it was like the death of someone that I never got to meet.
BUT WANTED TO MEET MORE THAN ANYONE IN THIS ENTIRE WORLD.
and with typing that, I'm crying so hard right now, Muffin is laying above my head on the couch, looking at me, like "Wassa matta Mama"..."get a hold of yourself woman"...
*deep breathes...
*deep breathes...
*deep breathes...
But again, I'm so glad I'm saying it...I'm taking the time...I'm taking this therapy session, if I may call it...and dealing.
Everyone goes through traumatic experiences throughout their life...
And I've had my fair share.
For me (and I'm pretty positive all women) miscarriage/loss has always been way more emotionally painful than physically.
But there's one physical/emotional moment in this journey, I've never told anyone...except a very few recently, that I can't seem to shake...
and it might not sound all so bad...but it's bad enough that I rarely go in that room anymore.
the bathroom in our bedroom.
that has become Steve's bathroom and the hallway one, mine.
I will go in to brush my teeth or steal some of his deodorant (yes, I love smellin' like a man)
but I won't shower in there...I haven't since May of last year.
It was the beginning of May 2010 and I was a few days into our miscarriage of twins...I was pretty sure the worst physically was over because I had been bleeding so badly for days and passed so much.
It was a Friday morning, Steve was supposed to leave for a meeting in New York and was on the phone with a co-worker...I had just woken up and was standing in our bedroom bathroom naked (there's a lovely vision for you) and all the sudden I had such pain, I didn't know what was happening and (TMI) the blood that started coming was insane, to the point I was in shock...Steve hung up within a half a second and ran to me, started the shower, climbed in with me as I sobbed in pain...all sorts of pain, he just held me so tight...he wasn't "grossed out"...he wasn't hesitant...he was there 100%. It felt like an eternity. He wrapped me up in a towel and I felt pretty much numb. He put me in bed...and I could hear him on the phone with our dr asking for help...and I just cried myself to sleep.
There's something about that moment I can't shake...
Deep down I think it has to do with the fact that as traumatizing as it was
It was a moment I felt so safe and protected by Steve...just so loved...
And it kinda explains what I've been trying to say here...
And just like one of my favorite lines in "Pretty Woman", when Julia Roberts has just left after her 6 day/7 night gig...Richard Gear is in the hotel lobby, he hands back that beautiful ruby and diamond necklace, thinking of how much he misses her...and Hector Elizondo says, "It must be hard to let go of something so beautiful"...
It is hard.
It is so damn hard.
But opening up that next chapter is only going to bring more beauty.
Deep down, I have utmost faith in that
and I'm going to get there...
"Our love is like a paper airplane
flying in the folded dent
riding high, dipping low....
Our love
<3 *I'm calling the doctor this morning and making an appointment... I'm telling myself whatever we choose to make that appointment for this month, we are allowed to. whether it be another iui, a month to just be free, a month to try one more time...or just alot of talks... in baby steps... we are getting towards our baby... *as I mentioned the Jason Aldean song, from the concert last Saturday, that I was waiting to use for another post... That is this post...
"The Truth" - Jason Aldean
*as we were making our way through the crowds to leave the concert, he was singing this song and it was the perfect one for me to leave with...
"Just don't tell em I've gone crazy,
That I'm still strung out over you,
Tell em anything you want to,
Just don't tell em all the truth,
Yeah don't tell em all the truth"
Well I told
the truth..
And I'm glad.
Because...
"I still love you,
Baby that's the truth"
and I can always love, always miss...
But I can and will soon be able to move on...
Just like these ratty, old, begging-for-help flip flops (that I still wore today despite their flaws) that I've walked so many long and windy miles in...
Pretty soon, I'm going to be able to let go and walk many new miles...
And I can't wait till the day I come to that place where I "find those new pair of flip flops"...
Slip my feet into em'
and realize, they really aren't any different than my old ones...and that they just might be the best damn pair I ever did have
<3 Happy PEACEFUL Beautiful Friday <3
<3,
Maria
8 comments:
Beautiful post. I read somewhere that in traditional Chinese medicine a miscarriage is viewed as harder on a woman's body than giving birth. In Japan they have a ceremony in which women can honour the spirits of their lost babies. Maybe if we had a more formal way to acknowledge our losses it wouldn't be so hard to move on. Do you have anything to acknowledge your babies? Some friends from the baby forum got me a Pandora bracelet with an angel charm and a sapphire charm (birthstone for December - when 2 of mine were lost).
So well said, Adi. Oh Maria, as much as we talk, this is so much more than I knew you were going through. This blog is so wonderful, and I love the flip flop pictures. Hahahha! Too funny!!! I'm saying prayers for your appointment today. Love ya so much!!!
Dear Maria, That was a beautiful post and I must say I cried like I haven't cried in a long time while reading it. I cried because it brought back so much memories of losing my angels and telling myself to be strong to move forward to not look back to enjoy Christmas then my honeymoon, to grieve later. I cried for them, my babies. You are so strong and I know the pain of a M/C and how it hurts physically and emotionally. For me both of mine happened in other places than my home right now and I hope to God this home never has to see me go through that, but on the other hand I feel like I left my babies behind in that apartment and in Jamaica.
You are so very strong but we both need to remember it's ok to miss them, it's ok to cry for them, it's ok to call them our babies.
This next time around whatever you and your hubby decide to do will be the right thing to do, because you decided together. You both inspire me and today you have helped me get out what I have been pushing so deep down inside for a long time, and I thank you for that.
Maybe it's the PMS but all and all I needed a good long hard can't see anything cry and I needed to get it out.
Thank you :-) and we will be ok no scratch that we will be better than ok we will be GREAT and we will look back on this time and look into our babies eyes and know we wanted that baby so badly and love them more for it.
Your truth inspires me and I am so grateful I met you, you have helped me in my journey! Thank you
Losing a baby is traumatic, let alone five. One thing I have felt about "letting go" is that I feel that if I fully let it go (and to me, fully give it to the Lord) that I am saying "I am ok with this loss." And I am not ok with it. No one would be ok with it. It is ok to have those feelings. This whole time since I lost my baby I have told my husband or a friend when I am upset about it. I don't filter or apologize for my feelings. You are entitled to feel how you feel. Because it does suck and it is hard. Hugs!
Maria, I can NOT imagine what all you've been through. I haven't gone through a miscarriage but have had friends and family go through it and I just can't find the words to say. But the little time that I have grown to know you and your wonderul blog, I know in my heart of what a courageous, strong, beautiful woman you are. Thank you for your posts and for providing such inspiring words. (u should write a book! I want a copy! lol) Steve is so incredibly lucky to have you and you too for having him! :)
You are truly an amazing person who WILL get her dream soon. Have a wonderful evening and peaceful weekend my friend. xoxox
btw... love the flip flops!! but yea.. time to put them aside and get a new pair! :)
This post has been hard for me to respond to... I've been trying to find the words for awhile. I have always felt that I lost a child and not just a pregnancy, and the first time someone tried to tell me I wasn't a mommy because I didn't have that baby in my arms I got SO angry and so hurt. It really infuriated me. I've been pretty much angry ever since and I'm waiting for this portion of the grieving cycle to pass.
It really really SUCKS to deal with emotions and unleash those beasts. I don't think anyone can say HOW to do it either, there isn't a way to describe how to find peace with something. Maybe it's about experimenting and trying being pissed off and breaking crap or crying until your eye lashes fall out. I try to just always remember my sweet baby and pray every night to tell him/her to send brothers and sisters down for me.
don't you dare toss out those flippy floppies - I've had a pair since high school I refuse to give up. :)
What a beautiful post. As a "survivor" of recurrent miscarriage your words really spoke to me. I know the feeling of never getting excited about getting a positive pregnancy test-- knowing from the start that it will be doomed. I can tell you, that choosing to use a surrogate an egg donor has given me a new sense of hope. I am actually excited at the prospect of getting a positive pregnancy test, because I know that whatever problems were causing my miscarriages have been taken out of the equation. May you find hope in your next step. *hugs to you*
You really inspire me Maria. This post was hard to read with all the tears in my eyes! I also have to keep telling myself they were babies and not just pregnancies. Well I know deep down they are my babies, I loved them the second that line came up. But it doesn't hurt as much if you make it less than what it is. You are so strong and dealing with everything so well. I need to take a lesson from you and stop making things seem like they don't hurt as much as they truely do. It is all so hard, dealing with so many emotions! I enjoy reading your posts a lot, they help me actually. They help me put into words what I have been feeling. Thank you, I am right here with ya chick :)
<3 Marie
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