"Anyway" Martina McBride
"You can spend your whole life buildin'
Somethin' from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway"
As I sit here in an over sized, hideously orange neon t-shirt, legs propped up, my hair resembling Marge Simpson's, with Miss Muffin curled up, asleep right above me...
I'm comfortably sunken in the perfect spot on the couch, breathing a great sigh of relief that today was a good day and the weekend is upon us. Steve and I had a lil' date night in. We ate dinner and watched a movie together. I entertained the idea of playing some xbox kinect and within minutes we shook the house with some video game teamwork of virtual white water rafting along with some dodge ball. Steve has off today and once we're done taking care of some errands, we are being spontaneous with where the day takes us.
It was a nice n' easy night. We stayed up a little late together. Steve took some down time and so did I. Me, blasting Beyonce through my headphones (yes, I don't always listen to country music)...Steve asking me what song I'd been listening to 100 times in a row because he could still hear it...Him, playing a round of video game golf across the room...
Even though we were doing our own thing,
I felt so connected. I feel like a great team. We made it through this week together. We leaned on each other.
There's some peace in the air.
And with the way things go in life sometimes, I know it could be taken away from me within minutes.
I'm savoring the moment.
and some coffee with cinnabon creamer (my only source of caffeine in 24hrs-I'm a little proud of myself)
Because it really is these times we need to appreciate. When I'm in the midst of a mini breakdown or fighting the voices crowding my head, I have the choice to be negative or positive. This past week had me feeling pretty low but now that I've come up for air, I realize, I needed it to feel that way. I just have to remember that when things get really trying, everything else that is good in my life IS still good in my life.
I have to remind myself that just because in that moment, I feel like everything is crumbling around me...it isn't and eventually it is going to get better...I have to be patient. I have to let go of some stubbornness and also keep some of it for this fight.
"God is great, but sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway"
Through this journey I have never felt mad at God. However, I used to ask why all the time...searching for answers...feeling like if I had that magical solution, it would make me feel better and everything okay. I can distinctly remember driving one day over a year ago after my second miscarriage. I remember what road I was on, what time of day it was, what song was playing. I was literally talking to myself as tears were streaming...wondering how I'd get through...how i'd ever get the strength to try again...begging to have the courage to get through. I felt weak. I felt terrified. I felt like I was losing hope.
And now 14 months after, 3 more losses on top of those, it is in indescribable feeling...
to say somehow, I'm so much less scared.
How I'd give anything to see those 2 lines...regardless of all the circumstances that I know can come along with pregnancies...as far as we are concerned.
The truth is, after wrestling with all the what if's, I've found that all I need to do is believe...
Believe and have faith, that there is a reason for it all...that there is a plan...
Know that, I don't need to know why or how or when...
Because in whatever way...it will be.
And no matter how insanely tough things have, can and will be at times...
I pray, I believe, I know somewhere locked deep down inside that one day I will be a mother and Steve will be a father.
Lately, these days are really flyin' by. I find I have no concept of what day it is...even what month it is at times. I don't know whether that's a good thing or not...but I know, (as many friends remind me) it does mean one thing...
We are one day and one month closer to our baby and our family.
"You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway"
Even though this week tested my patience in a lot of ways, it did something wonderful for me. It helped me sweat out some of the hurt and pain. I didn't know it while it was happening, but right now...at this very moment, I feel it. I still hurt, I ache, I'm grieving...
But I feel closer to the light at the end of that tunnel.
I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there.
I've read and found so many stories of courage. Stories of inspiration. Undoubtedly some of the saddest yet most beautiful journeys. They have fed my heart and soul with such hope.
And I'd like to share one that touched me in such a way...and taught me so many beautiful lessons. One that I turn to often, especially when I'm clinging to hope. I first found an excerpt of it on youtube. It had been featured on Oprah years ago. I just recently found the full video.
I will always remember, when interviewed, what the mother said when Oprah asked her, "how did you keep going...how did you stay so strong and positive with everything you were going through?" and the mother replied something very close to, "I knew that each day I had with him, was another day to be thankful for and cherish...
and I told myself, I can be sad later"...
so very touching and true.
this is "99 Balloons" the story of amazing first time parents and their baby boy, Elliot...such a gorgeous little fighter
definitely worth the 6 minutes it takes to watch <3
where I know it is heart breaking...and I sob every single time I watch it...there is so much beauty...strength and courage. and when they were interviewed after, on the episode years ago, she was blessed again and about to give birth to a healthy baby after all the pain.
I love what the husband says towards the end.
"God found great pleasure to take a lowly thing in the eyes of the world and show truth"...
Thank you everyone, for your thoughtful, funny, and sweet words over the course of this week.
and thank you for everyone who has shared their stories of hope.
Wishing everyone a happy, beautiful weekend. Take time to take in the moments that matter!
"This world's gone crazy and it's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway"