Friday, June 24, 2011

Anyway (and a Beautiful Borrowed Story)

"Anyway"  Martina McBride

"You can spend your whole life buildin'
Somethin' from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway"

 As I sit here in an over sized, hideously orange neon t-shirt, legs propped up, my hair resembling Marge Simpson's, with Miss Muffin curled up, asleep right above me...
I'm comfortably sunken in the perfect spot on the couch, breathing a great sigh of relief that today was a good day and the weekend is upon us. Steve and I had a lil' date night in. We ate dinner and watched a movie together. I entertained the idea of playing some xbox kinect and within minutes we shook the house with some video game teamwork of virtual white water rafting along with some dodge ball. Steve has off today and once we're done taking care of some errands, we are being spontaneous with where the day takes us.

It was a nice n' easy night. We stayed up a little late together. Steve took some down time and so did I.  Me, blasting Beyonce through my headphones (yes, I don't always listen to country music)...Steve asking me what song I'd been listening to 100 times in a row because he could still hear it...Him, playing a round of video game golf across the room...
Even though we were doing our own thing,
I felt so connected. I feel like a great team. We made it through this week together. We leaned on each other.

There's some peace in the air.
And with the way things go in life sometimes, I know it could be taken away from me within minutes.
I'm savoring the moment.
and some coffee with cinnabon creamer (my only source of caffeine in 24hrs-I'm a little proud of myself)

Because it really is these times we need to appreciate. When I'm in the midst of a mini breakdown or fighting the voices crowding my head, I have the choice to be negative or positive. This past week had me feeling pretty low but now that I've come up for air, I realize, I needed it to feel that way. I just have to remember that when things get really trying, everything else that is good in my life IS still good in my life.
I have to remind myself that just because in that moment, I feel like everything is crumbling around isn't and eventually it is going to get better...I have to be patient. I have to let go of some stubbornness and also keep some of it for this fight.

"God is great, but sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway"

Through this journey I have never felt mad at God.  However, I used to ask why all the time...searching for answers...feeling like if I had that magical solution, it would make me feel better and everything okay.  I can distinctly remember driving one day over a year ago after my second miscarriage.  I remember what road I was on, what time of day it was, what song was playing. I was literally talking to myself as tears were streaming...wondering how I'd get i'd ever get the strength to try again...begging to have the courage to get through.  I felt weak.  I felt terrified.  I felt like I was losing hope. 

And now 14 months after, 3 more losses on top of those, it is in indescribable feeling...
to say somehow, I'm so much less scared.
How I'd give anything to see those 2 lines...regardless of all the circumstances that I know can come along with far as we are concerned.

The truth is, after wrestling with all the what if's, I've found that all I need to do is believe...
Believe and have faith, that there is a reason for it all...that there is a plan...
Know that, I don't need to know why or how or when...
Because in whatever will be.
And no matter how insanely tough things have, can and will be at times...
I pray, I believe, I know somewhere locked deep down inside that one day I will be a mother and Steve will be a father.

Lately, these days are really flyin' by.  I find I have no concept of what day it is...even what month it is at times. I don't know whether that's a good thing or not...but I know, (as many friends remind me) it does mean one thing...
We are one day and one month closer to our baby and our family.

"You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway"

Even though this week tested my patience in a lot of ways, it did something wonderful for me.  It helped me sweat out some of the hurt and pain.  I didn't know it while it was happening, but right this very moment, I feel it.  I still hurt, I ache, I'm grieving...
But I feel closer to the light at the end of that tunnel.
I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there.
I've read and found so many stories of courage.  Stories of inspiration.  Undoubtedly some of the saddest yet most beautiful journeys. They have fed my heart and soul with such hope.

And I'd like to share one that touched me in such a way...and taught me so many beautiful lessons.  One that I turn to often, especially when I'm clinging to hope. I first found an excerpt of it on youtube.  It had been featured on Oprah years ago. I just recently found the full video.

I will always remember, when interviewed, what the mother said when Oprah asked her, "how did you keep did you stay so strong and positive with everything you were going through?" and the mother replied something very close to, "I knew that each day I had with him, was another day to be thankful for and cherish...
and I told myself, I can be sad later"...

so very touching and true.

this is "99 Balloons" the story of amazing first time parents and their baby boy, Elliot...such a gorgeous little fighter
definitely worth the 6 minutes it takes to watch <3
*tissues necessary

where I know it is heart breaking...and I sob every single time I watch it...there is so much beauty...strength and courage.  and when they were interviewed after, on the episode years ago, she was blessed again and about to give birth to a healthy baby after all the pain.
I love what the husband says towards the end.

"God found great pleasure to take a lowly thing in the eyes of the world and show truth"...

Thank you everyone, for your thoughtful, funny, and sweet words over the course of this week.
and thank you for everyone who has shared their stories of hope.

Wishing everyone a happy, beautiful weekend.  Take time to take in the moments that matter!

"This world's gone crazy and it's hard to believe
   That tomorrow will be better than today
   Believe it anyway"



MrsV said...

I glad you have some peace right now, I hope more comes as you continue to grieve and heal <3

I hope you guys enjoy your Friday and have a great weekend :)

Mrs. E said...

Thanks for sharing the 99 balloons video. Definitely a tear-jerker, but so worth it! It's a message that I believe in, but sometimes need to be reminded about... Have a wonderful (peaceful) weekend, you two =) said...

I love this song! I haven't heard it in a long time but it's just what I needed to hear. With my first m/c I was completely traumatized and struck with grief and angry, but I chose to let myself feel that way. I know I can't "go there" this time so my approach is to put it in God's hands and let go. For some reason last time I felt like letting go=saying I am ok that I just lost my baby. But I realize now that is not the case. I didn't want to pray then, didn't want to feel any peace. Thankfully, even though I am hurting, I feel peace in my heart and know that this is beyond my control. I feel like in a way God is testing me to see if I am going to throw the fit I did last time. At the end of the day, how we react to things really is the only thing we have control over (even if I didn't feel like I did last time). And, by the way, YOU are one of the inspiring women that I was referring to in my post yesterday. So keep on keeping on!

Lissie said...

I am amazed at your attitude. I am struggling to find some of that peace in my life. Thanks for the inspiration!

Lindsey@AFreckledLife said...

Hello from ICLW! First, let me just say that your strength inspires me! After my last MC I told my hub that I wanted to stop trying, that I wanted to stop hurting and feeling the heartache that comes along with it. Well, stopping is just as painful as trying. It's hard to come to terms with never having children. It is through amazing women like you that I continue to find the strength to push forward. Thank you!

Lindsey said...

I just recently suffered my second miscarriage. I am undergoing testing for possible skin cancer and possibly an AutoImmune disorder (positive ANA test) and to say that I needed an understatement. Thank you for this post. I don't have many words but to say thank you, and tell you that your words hit me when I needed them the most.

I am so sorry you have suffered so many losses. It's totally not fair, but your hope and drive is totally inspiring. I am also from PA!

My story is on my blog.

Thank You. p.s. i hope you don't mind, I added you on facebook.

Maria said...

I know I have said it before but you will be a wonderful mommy, some day very soon. You, while I have never met you, are one of the women I was talking about when I say that I am almost as hopeful for you to to have a baby as I am for myself.

May the 2ww fly by!

Rachel said...

Hey Maria, Sorry you had such a crappy week but it is good to see it is looking up for you now. I posted something similar on my blog and it's about the "power of positive thinking". Look forward and in your mind put your baby in your arms and that day will come sooner than you would think. We will all get there we just need to say positive and keep moving forward.

Thank you for sharing you thoughts and I hope you and Steve have a GREAT weekend!

waitingforarainbow said...

Yes Maria, I have found that blogging helps a lot. I used to blog on live journal, but this website is better fit for me.:o) It's crazy that you have dreams like mine. They're always so sad. Sometimes I like to think the dreams are signs of the future. Us holding our babies=going to happen. Thank you for sharing that beautiful story on your blog. There are so many reasons to have hope, and finding another reason only makes us stronger. <3

Mrs. E said...

Hi Maria! I'm glad you liked your star =) I hope you're having a great weekend, too! Big hugs!

mag said...

You have an amazing attitude Maria - I can only imagine the sadness you have had to go through, and yet you are able to share some really uplifting messages with us. I am so sorry for your losses, and that you have to write about these things at all in the first place. This has been such an amazing community, though, and I am blessed to have found your blog. *hug*

Kristin said...

I am so very sorry to read about the multiple losses you've gone through. RPL is it's own special kind of hell and it just seems so unfair. Wishing you the best of luck in the future.

ICLW #10

{{{Kelly}}} XtOphY Design Studio said...

i'm glad you are feeling a little better. been thinking about you, and keeping you in our prayers. love you so much (um....and LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE the new blog layout)

MrsV said...

You've had a makeover! ;) Doesn't it feel great! I needed it. I felt like it was just another step.

Your blog looks great :) I hope the makeover helped lift your spirits more too.

<3 V

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