"My Love Follows You Where You Go" - Alison Krauss
It's only been one short month since I started this blog. I am realizing more each day, how glad I am I started it. It has helped me deal with my emotions more than I thought it would. It has helped me get through the feelings that aren't always as easy to talk about. It has brought the songs I've fallen in love with to life for me. Mad props to my husband, who helped me learn my way around the blog design coding today. He took so much of his spare time to sit until he got it right and taught me along the way. Major brownie points there, Steve!
This week went better than expected. I am thankful for that. From the fun times, to our anticipated doctor's appointment, to the low key weekend...it was good to us.
After the doctor's, on Thursday afternoon, I stopped at Target. O Target, how I love thee. You never fail me...always a good bargain...always an unexpected purchase that I somehow can't seem to do without. I was looking for a dvd for my friend's little boy, when I heard a beautiful voice singing on the tv, across the way, in the cd section. It was Alison Krauss...her new cd had just come out last week and was on display. How could I forget!? I quickly dropped one in my cart! I couldn't wait to unwrap it when I got into my car...I was literally biting the wrapping off. It was meant to be...after a doctor's visit that left us hopeful and satisfied, I find her cd. Lyrics that truly sing to me...that I feel and relate to so well. I came home, opened the screen door and windows and had a lil' hoedown in the living room, one that made the cat's ears go back and charge upstairs! I think I've listened to some of the songs 80 times so far. There are so many of her songs that will turn into posts. Today, I chose, "My Love Follows You Where You Go"...
Most songs are about love and relationships...and the songs about losing, I relate to just as much. Because, where I am blessed with such greatness from friends, family and my husband...the songs about loss touch me in a different way. When she's singing about losing and missing a companion...I feel that same loss...with the pregnancies we've missed. But this song, isn't all about loss...it's about the strongest and deepest love you can have for someone. To me, it's about not needing to see to love and to believe. It's about everyone in my life, the ones who are always in my thoughts and my prayers, day and night...whether I've seen them or not.
"More wishes than a thousand hearts can count for you
More smiles than a merry-go-round
The sweetest ending to a bed-time story told
My love follows you where you go"
My family...the friends I see each week...the ones I don't, but wish I did...the ones I've never met but I feel and text with, like I've known for years ("MM" in TX):)...
my love follows you where you go.
Some pictures of our weekend <3
Steve and I had dinner on our deck, Saturday. It was a beautiful night outside!
Me and Princess Addison @ our favorite spot!
Before Thursday's doctor appointment, I was feeling pretty good. Wednesday, all day, I was feeling twinges on my right side. I've grown pretty in tune with my body when it comes to this kind of stuff. I told Steve I was almost positive I was ovulating, which would make sense. With not taking clomid this cycle, I knew from all previous cycles without it, that I ovulate on day 12. When taking clomid, usually day 14 or 15. I told our doctor and he had the nurse do an ultrasound to check before making any decisions. We waited for about 15 minutes or so after the u/s and I was praying that I had already...that way we'd get a break from the iui.
Our doctor called us back into his office after reviewing my u/s pictures and said I was right on the money. Phew! A little break. He asked us if we "covered our bases"...I always laugh because he grabs a little tablet and his calendar and asks me to ramble off all the nights we've had sex in the past week...so he can see if we had it on fertile days. I thought it would feel weird to actually type, "sex" or talk about Steve and I "doing it" (haha, how old am I?) but seriously...we all know how babies are made. And I appreciate when our doctor says words like sex...sh*tty...and even the occasional F bomb. He's real...and that's what we want in a doctor. He told us we picked the perfect days and with everything we've gone through so far, I'm a pro at knowing what days are the good ones. He said if we don't get pregnant this cycle, he's going to keep us off clomid for a bit...and it is up to us when we want to do an iuiiui's to make it happen, so who is to say, it can't happen again! (thank you to all the friends who've brought that to my attention!) So the wait has begun and honestly, I haven't really been thinking about it too much...yet ;) Because I ovulated earlier, I should be able to find out in about a week and a half...less than if I had the average 28 day cycle. I'm going to do my best to wait and test again...and at least get to 10/11 days past ovulation.
I'm also not going to be taking progesterone during the two week wait period. He's giving me a break from that, because my progesterone has never been low. It's only been low when I'm pregnant due to the pregnancy not being a healthy one. If I fall pregnant and my levels are low, he will decide then, how much I take. Another great thing to hear... because progesterone has not been my friend. It makes me super moody, bloaty, and it makes my chest sore and swell up an extra size. Now, don't get me wrong, I'll take and try anything that helps in maintaining a pregnancy and makes for a healthy baby and me...but when I'm taking a pill that I don't really have a need for, that adds a lot more hormones to the ones I've already got...it makes for a supermegakingkongb*tchy, Maria! I'll take a free pass this month! Steve is very happy for this!
We are hoping for the best but also relieved a bit to know that if it doesn't happen this month, we have next month...a month that if we choose, we can try the old fashioned way again. Where our approach has always been, whatever will help us get there, a break from meds, from appointments and other methods of getting pregnant...is getting us there. It is giving us some peace and relaxation. I came to terms a long time ago with the fact that Steve and I probably won't get pregnant from a carefree night of sex or a night by the fire with wine and roses hahaha...and that's completely okay with me. Because in so many other ways, this whole journey has made us love deeper and appreciate other aspects of our relationship more. It hasn't ruined that part of our relationship because we have been realistic. I try so hard not to "what if", but if we get pregnant, and it doesn't work out...there will be feelings to work through, some easier than last time and some that cut deeper and hurt longer.
There will always be a place in my heart for our times of loss...I don't forget about them. I will carry it with me. Like the lyrics
"Future like a promise - and you're a city of Gold
Stubborn in your bones and Jesus in your soul
Seeing you stand there - staring at the unknown
I won't pretend that it's not killing me
Watching you walk away slow"
Some pictures from the rest of the week...
Dinner @ Brie and Vinny's...me and precious, sleepy Grace <3
Yummy breakfast and great company w/my friend, Kim <3
Breaking out some ballet moves w/Miss Addison <3
Pretty mama and daughter
Looking forward to this week...I'm not looking at it as, "please get me through it". I'm looking at it is have fun through it...and hoping next week I feel the same.
Wishing everyone a happy start of the week! Much luck in all of the different journeys you take on.
"Take forgiveness - take a prayer - take the deepest breath
Take the answers in your heart
When you wake up and the world is cruel and cold
My love follows you where you go"
"More freedom than a field of flowers in the wind
More beauty than a morning after rain
Up the steepest hill - a dark and crooked road
My love follows you where you go"...