Thursday, October 27, 2011

Take It All

"Take It All"  Adele



Here I am, same place I was almost 7 months ago when I started this blog...
Wide-eyed, early in the morning.  Ready to let it all out.

Back in June, I wrote the posts...
"Say" and "Paper Airplane and The Truth."

I wrote of the option of sperm donor and why it was so hard for me to just come out and say it.
The reasons, having nothing to do with embarrassment or fear of judgement, and everything to do with grieving and knowing when to close this chapter.

This chapter...

This chapter has been long.  It has been trying. Sometimes brutal. Sometimes beautiful.  It's been a never ending roller coaster.  A teacher.  A windy road.  A million and one lessons.  A million and two tears.  A perception changer.  A friend.  A heart breaker.  A comfort.  A fighter.  A life changing experience.

A love like no other.

I look back on these past two years and there are times it's hard for me to believe all that took place.
Would I change it if I could?
No.
I promise.
I wouldn't.

A year ago, when we found out the news of Steve's inversion, I made a promise to myself...
That if I could handle it, I'd give it another year.  Another year to try to get pregnant, basically as many times as we could.  That may sound strange, but with the percentages we were given, we knew the odds were against us.  I remember sitting in our doctor's office discussing the information...Him telling us we had a chance.  That we were a strong couple and most women, after a few miscarriages, move on because they can't handle it.  I will always remember him saying that.  From that moment, I thought to myself, "No, Maria, You CAN handle this...you can and you will...it will be worth it."  I remember looking out the window, clenching my already folded hands together, biting my lip, holding back tears and then turning to look at our doctor.  I kept saying, "I can do it.  I can give it another year.  What do you think?  Is that a good time frame?"  As I so desperately wanted to believe I could keep the drive and strength...
So desperately wanting to give it my all.

Our doctor smiled and said, "We're going to roll with the punches, you're going to get right back into trying and within time, you'll know if it's time to turn out the lights on this chapter."

It's been another year.
2 more pregnancies after the news. 5 pregnancies total in the past two years.  6 little beans.  All lost but always remembered.
It's been one hell of a ride.

And it's time.
Time to turn out those lights.


Time to turn the page.
To new light. 


Time for a fresh, new chapter.

There's so much to say...


I have to admit some things I regret saying in the past.  Times I've said I wish we never even had the chance...the chance that our DNA could match up correctly.  In frustration, I've said, "if our doctor told us we had absolutely no chance, it would make it so much easier."  In my saddest and lowest of moments, I've cried, "Sometimes I wish I didn't want to be a mother so badly."
Tears are streaming as I type.  Because neither of those statements hold any truth at all.

Who do I think I'm kidding? To become a mother is my deepest desire..What I truly feel I'm meant to be.  And I'm so happy for that. 

I'm so lucky.  So lucky to have the gift of chance.  More importantly, the gift of hope.  Again and again.
Without hope, where would we be?  Without faith, how would I have the strength?

You see, I can be one stubborn girl.  All my life, there have been times I wouldn't budge or back down...but for all the wrong reasons.
Not this time.
This time, it was for all the right reasons.  It wasn't stubbornness.  It wasn't pride. 

It was love.
It is love.

"Didn't I give it all?
 Tried my best
 Gave you everything I had
 Everything and no less"

These are the questions we've asked ourselves.  With not getting pregnant as easily as last year, I found it to be a battle these past few months especially.
When do I stop?  How do I stop?  Have I done all I can?  Should I go one more time? 

Why is it so hard to stop trying?

I've run the possible answers through my head a million times.  My mind has never been as telling as my heart. 

It was hard to stop trying, because I'm madly in love with my husband.  A wonderful man who I fell in love with almost instantly.  For his honesty.  For his vulnerability.  For his passion.
Within a short time, Steve made it clear that his biggest dream was to have a family and be a father.  We'd stay up all night and talk.  He'd tell stories of growing up...tough, sometimes sad stories.  But they always ended with him smiling.  Smiling at the chance that he'd have so much more when he became a father and could share that love with his children. 

For the past few months, there have been times I've felt I had to defend myself.  Not really to anyone but my own self.  Asking why I was still on that long road, instead of starting a new one.  Feeling like it didn't make sense why I couldn't just "turn off those lights."

I didn't do it to prove a point.  I didn't do it to keep a hopeful promise.  I didn't do it to be stubborn.
I did it for love.
For Steve.  For us. 
I did it in good faith.
I don't regret a single second.  Not even the craziest of times.  The roughest of days.  The saddest of tears. 

Steve wrote me a long message in my birthday card last month.  He wrote that some days he still has so much guilt and pain.  He told me, regardless of what I think, our journey is on his mind so often.  He wrote of days he sits at work and prays that I'm having a good day.  That he just wants us to be happy and have a family, no matter which way we get there. And as I read it with him sitting next to me, I cried and clung to him.  We cried together, held hands and promised each other that we would stop feeling so guilty.  Him for his inversion.  And me, for feeling like I had to keep going.

You see, when you love someone so deeply, so immensely, so passionately...
You want to give them your best.  Your all.  Everything in you.

Steve and I spent so much time wondering and worrying...did I give my best, my all, my everything...

"If only you knew, everything I do is for you."

We know.  Deep down, we've always known.
I wouldn't be me if I didn't go all those times.  I wouldn't be so strong. I wouldn't have learned so much and be where I am right now.

It's gonna take some time to really set in.  I've got more feelings to let out.  More memories to bring a little closure to.
The lights have been turned out.  A new chapter has begun.
And our wish for these next few pages are to take some time.  Take a breather.  Not rush it.  Enjoy the holidays and see where it takes us.  When I'm feeling the time is right, I will call our doctor for an appointment, maybe even in the next few weeks, so we can discuss it all.

I look back on this chapter and know it will always be a part of me...a part of Steve and I.
And I am so grateful for it.  Because, without it, we wouldn't be who we both are today. 
This next chapter isn't going to be a breeze.  It's certainly not, "snap your fingers and have a baby."  It entails a lot.  Things, like I said, you never think you're going to have to think of. 
But, I know this is where we are meant to be.

And I know in my soul, that someday, when we're blessed with our child, this all will make it that much sweeter.

There's so much more to write. (as if this post isn't long enough)
Letting go isn't easy.
The more I allow myself to feel, the easier it becomes.
Where it doesn't feel like I've completely let go yet, I know it's coming...and I know there will always be a piece of this journey I hold close to me.

There will be more to pour out in the following weeks...

So, with this ending chapter, I say...
Don't take it with anger, or hurt, or fear...

"Take it all with my love."



With Much Love,

35 comments:

KERRY said...

Oh Maria...I am so sorry for you guys. This is a beautiful post. I wish you all the best, all the love and all the happiness you deserve. I wish for a miracle, for your dream to come true xoxo

Maria said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes. Your miracle is on its way. Whatever path, whichever road, however it can, your baby is finding its way to you right now. <3 Maria

mag said...

Good morning pretty girl. What another beautiful, raw emotional post. I don't think anyone can say a single negative thing about your choices and how you have decided to go through this journey. You are definitely one of the strongest women I know, and I know that because you are able to acknowledge that it was hard, that it brought you down so low you didn't immediately know if you'd get back up. But you did, every single time. And even though you're starting a new chapter, just like you said... it doesn't mean the previous chapter was all for nothing. It's all about being ready when the both of you are ready. Keep taking care of each other and loving each other and I know this will have an amazing outcome.

Thinking of you and hoping those tears of yours turn into smiles and laughs soon.. xoxoxo, mag

Michelle Brown said...

What a beautiful, heartwrenching post. I was grumbling this morning about moving...this puts things in perspective. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

It sounds like you two have a wonderful gift, each other. And one day, you two will be a wonderful gift to a child.

Judy Haughton-James said...

Hi Maria,
This is really a touching post. I can see that you have been through a lot. Life certainly has its ups and downs. I pray and hope that everything will work out for you and Steve. You are such a nice person and really deserve to be happy. Take care.
Lots of Love & Best Wishes,
Judy

Rebecca said...

Maria my heart breaks for you reading this post. Can you do IVF with genetic testing on the embryos? Just a thought. I agree.....enjoy the holidays and then see where you are at in the new year. Sorry this stuff never gets easier.....I know how heartbreaking it is. Wishing you the best.....

me said...

aww Maria. what a heartfelt post! thinking of you all the time. whatever the coming months bring, you've got tons of love and support from all of us! <3 -luc

lovejoy_31 said...

Ok! You have me crying at work again. I'm sure it is just the fact that I am so emotional about so much lately. You are amazing and you will make an AMAZING mother. I will continue to pray for you as I know this is such a hard decision.

Stephanie of Gumdrop Pass said...

Maria,

This post! Everything about it is beautiful. I am always amazed by your honesty and with the graceful way you write.

Your relationship with Steve - it brings tears to MY eyes. The honesty, love, and everything between you two is definitely something that all couples should aspire to... seriously.

I can't say it enough - you have to be one of the strongest people I know. I wish you all the luck in any and every avenue you choose to pursue. :)

I hope you're having a good day. You're awesome. <3

Ashley said...

This is a very touching post and it brought tears to my eyes. My heart breaks for you but I am also hopeful for you too. I will continue to pray for you on this journey.

MrsV said...

Everything I want to say I am sure I have said it all before. <3
Don't let anyone ever make you feel anything but love about the path you have lead, the strength you have shown, your determination or your pride. A weaker woman would have lost herself in this journey. We all have dreams and it takes time to change even the smallest of details of those dreams. Just listen to your heart, if it's time then you will know and we will all be waiting here for you to share the new chapter as it unfolds. <3 When the time is right <3
Steve is so lucky to have such an amazing woman as yourself for his wife, you guys will make amazing parents.
I hope you take the time to truly enjoy the holidays and prepare yourselves for this next chapter. <3 <3 oxoxox

LisaWeidknecht said...

I am your newest follower, visiting from the Thirsty Thursday blog hop. I hope you'll visit me at http://www.weidknecht.com and follow me back. Nice to meet you!

Steve said...

I love u Hunny

Clumsy Coquette said...

Wow, what a touching post. You pretty much brought tears to my eyes. *hugs*

Stopping by from the Thursday's Friends blog hop.

I host the Friendly Friday blog hop and would love for you to stop by and link up.

~your newest follower

The Clumsy Coquette
www.theclumsycoquette.com

Mom Fashion World said...

I'm very sorry to hear about this, my dear!
Be strong. I know you can surpass obstacles in your life.

By the way, I'm your newest follower via GFC from the Friday Blog Hop.
Please feel free to visit my blog. Looking forward to seeing you there, and if you get a chance, would love a follow back.

http://www.momfashionworld.blogspot.com/

Mama Luvs Books said...

New GFC follower from the hop! Would love the GFC follow back!! http://www.mamaluvsbooks.com

Boo's Mom said...

New follower to your blog from the hop. I am sending BIG ((HUGS)) your way. This brought tears to my eyes and I am praying for you and your husband as you open this new chapter in your life.
Jen
http://bobjenjack.blogspot.com

Mrs. E said...

This post had me in tears, not because of everything you have gone through, but rather everything you have survived. You are a fighter. You gave it your all and then some... I know that it's not necessarily the trying that hurt so much, but the pain of ending this chapter. I stand in awe of your strength, your hope, your faith... Your future babies are so lucky to have you as their mother. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo~

Tammy @ The Stitching Coop said...

"He wrote of days he sits at work and prays that I'm having a good day. That he just wants us to be happy..."

Maria, You touch me today with your words. If you begin to drop tears & your eyes become cloudy, be sure to print this out and hang it somewhere and go read it. HE, your husband, you friend is telling you right here..... "He just wants US to be happy". Find happiness in every way with your man & let God take care of the rest. It may not be the plan you saw in your dreams but it's a plan you can take just as much from if you let it.

Be happy with your Steve & find joy in every day you share with him. Find something new in each other you didn't know the day before and share everything. Dare to go all the way out on that limb and live in the love you have now.

In the meantime, I'm going to be praying God will bless you with "A" child to call your own.

Hugs
tammy

Closer to Lucy said...

Your journey certainly hasn't been easy...I feel the pain in your words.

I admire your strength and commitment to your marriage. I hope that in this next chapter you are able to rewrite your fairy tale and live your happily ever after. May you be blessed with joy while you are writing :)

Out for a little hopping, would love it if you would stop by Lucy's when you get time.

LOVE MELISSA:) said...

This post me to tears. I feel for you and your journey! I pray for you and your husband. Your strength and courage is awe inspiring! Both of you will make wonderful parents one day. Xoxo

Kaity said...

Found you via Blogaholic. I can't imagine your pain, but am so grateful that you had the strength to share it. I am so moved by your story and will continue to follow your journey.

Whatever is meant to be, will be and I have confidence that one day, you'll look back on your ups and downs and know that there was beauty in God's plan for your life, every step of the way.

Stephanie said...

So I saw you comment on my post saying that you were having a martini even though you hated olives and of course all of your other sweet, cute and thoughtful commentary... and so I thought I'd fling over and comment on your previous post... you know, something witty and funny about how I love gin and vodka and food and wine, etc. etc.

And now I'm sitting here teary eyed and completely inspired and in awe of your strength, resilience and outlook on life and your journey. WOW. You are an inspiration and I know that it will all work out and you will be one AMAZING mother and steve will be one AMAZING father.

I truly hope that y'all are having a great weekend filled with lots of laughter and love (and wine and martinis!). Many many MANY hugs tonight! XOXO

PⒿ @ $ € € ₦$ ₣®0₥... said...

Maria, You brought tears to my eyes and made my heart ache with this honest and extremely well-written post. You and Steve have unbelievable strength and courage. It's inspiring.

I'm your newest follower. Please stop by and say hi.

Kathy said...

Maria what a gorgeous post! I think you and your husband are amazing and so lucky to have found each other. I'm so sorry you have had to go through this. My deepest thoughts and prayers are with you. Thank you for sharing your heart and journey! I have come to really love you through your posts!!

Crystal Jigsaw said...

Very heartfelt and emotive post, written with absolute grace. I feel for you both and I don't even know you but your words here are tremendously poignant.

So glad I found you on the Monday Mingle blog hop.
Take care, CJ xx

Jamie said...

Sending you positive thoughts. Sorry that life sucks sometimes.

Erin said...

Maria,
Let me just start by saying that you and Steve are the only ones who can author your journey. You choose when to begin and end your chapters. And your heavenly Father, He's right there with you to walk through your story with you. You have been so brave and done all that you know to do. It's sad and it's hard and it's heartbreaking to end this chapter. But it also comes with an air of expectancy and hope for the next! Allow yourself to grieve this ending and then lift up your head and get ready for whatever is coming next!! I am praying for you and Steve. Praying that you turn to Him as you write your chapters and let Him guide you and hold your hand. He loves you and Steve so much. Turn it all over to Him and be ready...be looking for what surprises are in store for you.
You bless me always!
xo,
~Erin

Sarah said...

This is was a truly brave and beautiful post. I am so sorry to hear about your struggles, but you sound like a strong and loving woman and wife who will make a wonderful mother some day. Infertility is heartbreaking. I went through it, though nothing near what you have been through. There are lots of options out there and you WILL find a way to complete your family. Wishing you the best in your journey.

Grumpy Grateful Mom said...

With tears streaming down my eyes, I'm writing this. I thought your post was courageous and beautiful. I'm so sorry you've had to got through this. But I think you writing about it will be a strength to a lot of people, maybe even people you'll never know about. Sending prayers and positive vibes for your new path.

Megan said...

I'd say I'm sorry for your pain, for what you went through, but if you're glad for the strength it's given you then I'm glad. Enjoy the holidays - and good luck on your new journey.

Aleisha McD said...

This post was so beautiful and so raw--the emotion conveyed in your words was poignant enough to make a lump form in my throat. I think I must have held my breath the entire time I was reading! My darling friend, you will be a mother one day. I do not doubt it. Nor do I doubt you and Steve will make extraordinary parents. Here's the thing...you are good people. You are children of God, and He is more aware of you than you know. I have strong faith and conviction in this belief--that we are all part of one great eternal family, and that heaven and God are not that far away from us and our lives. I hope you know HE loves you and your sweet, sweet husband. You deserve good things. You deserve happiness. Never stop praying; always keep the faith. I look forward to the day when we can rejoice and celebrate over the birth of your babe. I continue to pray for you and your husband. You are never far from my thoughts! Wishing I could give you a big squeeze, my friend. I'm here if you need me...even if it's via email! XOXO

Jessica @ TheCrazyChaoticHouse said...

This post breaks my heart. I am so deeply sorry for all the pain you both have suffered. I don't know what else to say but sorry. I can't even imagine the pain you must feel.

My Life as a Minister's Wife said...

I cried with you as I read. God bless you for being so open, You help so many with your candidness.

Miki said...

Oh, my, and I had to read one more before going to sleep and I'm glad I did. I got teary-eyed reading your words, but I'm happy. You are one wonderful woman, Maria.

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