Desperate - 1.} reckless from despair
2.} having an urgent need or desire
3.} extreme
Yesterday, marked one year since our first appointment with our fertility doctor. We had been trying naturally already for a year. My third miscarriage had just ended and I was...desperate. Desperate for answers. Desperate for a baby. Desperate for a ticket off the roller coaster.
Another year has passed. Lots of questions have been answered. A fourth and fifth loss took place. A ticket off that roller coaster would be wonderful.
And a baby...well, that would be AMAZING.
Not feeling desperate...
It's been one of the toughest parts of this journey.
"Desperation
There's danger in frustration"
Ain't that the truth.
If I had to write down all the instances of pure insanity...
Instances that occurred out of the DEEPEST of frustrations
Ones that got the best of me and the best of Steve, along this journey...
Well, then it'd take days to read this post.
A few weeks ago, I posted about my birthday. The few weeks surrounding that day were really, really tough for me. I wanted so badly to concentrate on the good. And I did, to the best of my ability. But there was such pain. Not because I was a year older. But because I was so damn frustrated. I was busy looking at what could have been. I was apprehensive to let my mind imagine as to what could come of this next year. I was busy thinking how I'd get through if I got yet another negative. (which, I did, and look, I'm still alive...it's not the end of the world)
I didn't write of the sad times. I didn't post pictures of my mascara encrusted face in between the laughter and smiles. Because, when I look back and remember, it was a beautiful, bittersweet time. Add up the happy and sad and it was...
a HAPPY birthday.
I shared my tears with friends, family and my husband. I remembered the loss I went through during last year's birthday. I felt a million different feelings all at once.
And then, I let my frustrations get the best of me. I had a few big hideous cries. I had a few big hideous moments. In my despair, I picked up a bowl of potpourri that decorates our dining room table and decided it'd look better if I twirled it around in a rage, and watched as it covered the floor. I whimpered and sobbed like a maniac as I went to pick it back up .2 seconds later. I huffed and puffed through the living room, with my arms flailing back and forth like a steroid induced WWF wrestler.
But you know what,
I don't want to be a WWF wrestler. I don't want to be so frustrated.
And, here we are again. Trying time. The time that can make me kinda CRAZY(CRAZIER).
Something's changed this cycle. Something good.
I don't feel so frustrated. I really, really don't.
I feel calm.
We feel calm.
I'm gonna take it while I can.
I didn't pull out my "bag of tricks" from last month.
Okay, well one...the ovulation tests. Hey, I had leftovers.
I don't feel the pressure to "take care of business" every single day.
I didn't get a positive on Wednesday morning. I didn't get a positive yesterday morning. And last night, after spontaneous "taking care of business", I had all the signs of ovulating. I decided to use my last test, and there it was...a nice big smiley! I got teary eyed. I am right now. Not because I ovulated. I know I do each cycle. But, because I felt so happy. To not feel pressured. To just feel "normal" during a time that usually doesn't go as planned. To know, hey, we did it (no pun intended) and we didn't even have to "try".
It felt like it should.
This week...
I'm feeling strong. I'm feeling positive. I'm feeling more alive.
I'm taking things in more...
Are there still tears? Of course. It's me we're talking about here.
But there are flecks of something in the air this month...
Something wonderful.
I'm feelin' it more and more.
Bits of peace.
...................................................
You know I couldn't leave without a few pictures
Me and Kelly
me and vanessa
happy boys!!
Life IS good.
Peace, my friends...
20 comments:
Wow, what a beautiful, touching and personal post. Im glad you let yourself go crazy, let your self just .... feel. The last thing you would want to do is just keep those strong emotions bottled up inside. We don't cry because we are weak, we cry because we have been too strong for too long.
I pray that you would continue to feel peace wash over you like a wave that you're caught up in. True peace isn't the absence of trouble and heartache. The absence of heartache and trouble leads to stagnation. True peace can only come from finding that still quite in the midst of the storm.
God bless you friend and once again, thank you for sharing with all of us
Ive been trying to comment for almost 10 minutes and I can't figure out the right words I wanna say
:(
You're a very strong woman Maria, with all you have been through and yet you still are able to find peace in the middle of it all. Remember to let yourself breakdown when needed and I hope that the peace you are feeling right now is a true peace
<3 oxox
Good for you Maria for remaining positive and calm and for finding a little bit of peace within. I do not know what it's like for you but I wish for you everything your heart desires xo
Maria -
I'm so glad that there are flecks of wonderful around you! I'm so glad that you're experiencing this calm, peaceful feeling. :)
Here's a little hope and a big prayer for you *. Yup, that * was it. ;) I hope you continue in this feeling, too! Have a great, peaceful, wonder-fleck filled weekend! :)
<3
Oh, the crazies...it's so much better to get them out than keep them in because after the storm, there's always calm. I'm so glad you've found a bit of peace in all this mess. I smiled when I read that you got your smiley. What perfectly unplanned perfect timing =) Sending lots of love and hugs and of course, a healthy dose of my s___ vibes haaga!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo~
Hey girlie - happy Friday! Congrats on the little smiley face!!! I am so glad you are feeling some peace right now and that you've been able to get through this cycle with a bit more spontineity. I completely understand the emotion and frustration you're talking about, especially surrounding the birthday. I just had mine too, and I did everything I could to distract myself. You are so amazing, and this year has got to be your year!! Your determination inspires me and so many other people.... You truly are amazing. Keep up the positive thoughts! Have a great weekend *hug*
I think sometimes we have to let ourselves go a little crazy in order to find the peace. I am so glad you're feeling a little more peaceful and happy now. I'm hoping and praying your take home baby is not too far away.
I heart you!!!!!!!!!! I've been thinking about you! Good grief, I need to shoot you an email! Just wanted you to know I've been thinking about you this week. Did you get my little package? Did you? Did you?! Did you!?!
I completely know how you feel about wanting to try to focus on the good things, but that isn't always possible. how well I know that this year. I won't be one of the people that says, oh, just take a break and it will happen when you least expect it because we both know all too well that just because you can get pregnant, doesn't always mean you will stay pregnant.
I'm praying for you though. And thanks for the sweet comment on one of my last posts.
Focusing on the blessings in our lives is good, but sometimes and somethings are still going to get to us---it's human nature. Especially in this situation. I am happy you feel calm right now. That is such a hard place to get to and it is even harder to stay there. Hang in there Sweetie!!! XOXO, Kerstin
Hello Maria,
I really hope everything will work out for you and Steve. I know how it feels like when life seems to be on a roller coaster ride only that mine is for a different reason. I am also working hard at looking at the positive side of life. These pictures are so beautiful. Take care and enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Judy
Though your message is very intensely personal, this could communicate on many levels in ones life. The economy has been bad. My job is expendable income. I know this intellectually. But, when I am not making my own money I go nutso. I really do. Don't ask me to explain nutso cos I just can't. BUT, I digress. When I wasn't selling I would take it personally. People don't like my work. Rumors are nasty habits that others like to spread. I'm picking the wrong fabrics. Cliques are difficult even under the best of circumstances. etc etc. I would do my crying on my time as I didn't want my hubs to see. But then I realized, why shouldn't he see it. He's part of why I began the business I did. No correct that, HE IS the reason. Oh throw in a bit of disability, a little Lupus and RA and a few other tidbits but ultimately, it was HE who believed in my craft.
During the famen times it's always been difficult for me. I'm an earner, a good one at that. But with disabilites that limit me daily, earning in the "real world" was not going to be signed off on by four doctors & 3 surgeons. Nope, not in the lifetime.
So anyway, back to the economy, the tears and self confidence mutilation system that was my emotions. In all those tears I forgot what it was which lead me to this job I have a passion for. It was Love.... love of my work, my husband and the Lord. When I stopped and realized I had replaced those 3 very significant things, I was brought to me knees and humbled. Truly, humbled. I had forgotten my passion.
I went to bed that night in tears, ashamed at how I let myself be brought to place I was in. I let myself forget I was blessed with my hands, eyes and mind. I had forgotten how my husband, even in the famine of my work, had supported me & had faith that once again, it WOULD indeed pick up. I had forgotten what got me to that place of "peace".
So in short: While trying to create the love you want to share with your husband and all those you love, don't forget to share THE love with your husband and all those you love! They will love with or without a baby. It's you that gives them joy.
Much love and stanger hugs.
Tammy
I love this Maria<3 Fiance and I have been trying for a year too, and nothing.... It sucks and breaks my heart :( It is nice to know you're not alone in a moment you feel ... alone. I know it will happen for you .. and me too :) And I love all the pictures. You clearly have a great support system, and that's a great thing to have. Hugggs.
Peace is good. With peace comes hope. With hope comes faith. With Faith comes everything God has promised us! Yea for taking care of business and I hope that the peace sticks around for 9 more months! :)
You are amazing Maria!! You are such a strong woman and I know your time is going to come! You always have such a bright outlook and I look at you for inspiration!! You are going to make a great mom one day!! Hope your weekend is going well!
I am so happy you are feeling good. I know what you mean about taking care of business the natural way without "trying" and how it feel so much less pressured. You are going to make the best mom and you are so very strong. BIG HUGS!
I wanted to let you know I am praying for you, I like your blog and reading your posts are inspiring! So I wanted to give you The Versatile Blog Award, here is my link explaining the award:
http://www.onemomsmoxie.com/2011/10/versatile-blogger-award.html
Sisterbear.. I'm soooo sooooo happy u have found some peace. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of u and wonder how life is treating ya! :) I so wish I could be there to give u a hug in person and wipe those mascara tears away! Believe me... I know! I know that feeling of turning into the Hulk and it's not pretty! One time I actually threw my remote control and hairbrush (my favorite one) across the room of rage and sadness! Needless to say.. All I got was a broken remote (yup try explaining that to the hubby! "no really honey... The dog did it!!" and a hairbrush missing the handle!!! Ahhhh!! It sucks! Infertility just sucks! Sometimes u just gotta cry it out and throw a rampage! But just like u did... U shortly found peace! And I admire that about u! Sooooo many people give up! But not u! And I KNOW that u will get your pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Soon. Very soon. And I CAN NOT wait for this day to come. Until then... I'm so happy you have such an amazing support group and wonderful husband! Ur soooooo lucky!! I firmly believe that God is working down his list and u are coming closer and closer to the top of that list. :)
Love u bunches!
Maria I just came across your blog and I am glad I found someone going through the same thing I am going through, as I also have a balanced translocation. I am looking for the peace you are experincing now and I hope to found it soon because I think with peace comes great suprises.
Look at you! I don't know how you do it! Glad that you've found some peace... and some smiley's :)
And I love that your kitty is enjoying the peace too... what a cute pic!
Hope you had a great weekend! You definitely deserve it! Can't wait for your next post (hint hint hint hint hint ;))! XOXO
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