Wild Horses

"Wild Horses" Natasha Bedingfield

This week came and went in the blink of an eye. How there is only a week left of October, I do not know. Things have been so busy. So "good" busy. And maybe that's why this month, out of the past many, many months of this journey, has seemed unusually uplifting...enlightening...and peaceful.

Peace is something I've been striving for. Not just in this journey...but in life, always.

To me, peace truly is a gift. It lets the mind think clearly and confidently. It brings on a strength like no other. It helps you see things in a different light...a much brighter light. It brings more beauty to even the littlest of things.

With how GO GO GO things have been, I've managed to make sense of a lot this month. I've worked through some emotions that I tried to repress for so long. I cried a lot while driving. A lot in times to myself. Deep, cleansing tears. Tears that helped me breathe easier. My period is due any day now. Most likely tomorrow or Sunday. Do I think I'm pregnant? No. I really don't. I haven't tested. Though tests are in my possession, I don't want to do that to myself right now. And Steve agrees, to just wait it out.  I know anything can happen...we shall see.

Plus, this weekend is about much more than a stupid period.

It's about celebrating love alongside two dear friends.

I have plenty of time next week to deal with what may come. And I predict many "pour my heart out" posts in the near future.

It's been a struggle each time my period arrives. * Do we try again?  Do we move on? But how? Will I be strong enough to close this chapter and begin another? Oh, why not just ONE more try!  This will be the last try, I promise*  And then, the vicious cycle starts all over...along with my lovely cycle. 
Heck, it's been a struggle all the times it didn't show.  Just last Sunday, was the due date from our last pregnancy/last loss.  I didn't think so much of what could have been as much as I thought about the time that had passed.  9 more months out of these past 24.  It may sound crazy, but when I hear "9 months," I automatically think *BABY*...
9 months = a baby...or does it?!
It has been a "whole baby" since we were pregnant last.  I can't say we've gotten nowhere in that time.  I can't say I regret trying again and again.  I admit, there are still times I let those *hows and whys* creep into my mind.  Steve too.  But you know, those *hows and whys*...they don't matter as much anymore.  Because, in the end...THEY DON'T MATTER AT ALL.  What matters is HOW we get there together, as a team.

What matters is focusing on WHY and WHAT is important for us in the big picture.

My next post will be a happy one.  You all know how I love sharing happy memories.  This weekend we celebrate LOVE.  The best feeling of em' all.

The following posts are swarming around...they've always been.  They just are finally beginning to come to the surface.
And I'm ready to write them.

*
These lyrics sing to me.  They sum up the thoughts in my mind and feelings in my heart...the ones that at times have consumed me over this journey...
Each time I listen to this song, I feel stronger...I feel understood.

I feel like I understand myself better and like I am getting to that place...those "greener pastures" she sings of...


"I feel these 4 walls closing in
My face up against the glass
I'm looking out
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
Its greener pastures I'm thinking about
Wide open spaces far away


All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared


Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
Run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses!


I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare back, care free along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head first headlong without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free


All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared


Recklessly abandoning my self before you


I wanna open up my heart tell him how I feel


Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses"


*Now, it's time to take my last sip of coffee and start getting ready for a weekend of LOVE.

Wishing everyone a sweet weekend filled with LOVE and JOY and PEACE!!

*and of course, few pictures from this week...

"old lady lunch" with these lovely ladies!

I can't stop laughing at this picture. Miss Addison, always entertaining...I love Chloe looking at her, like, "Sister, WHAT IN THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?!"

self pic by Addison. Very envious of her talent in the "Funny Face Department"

Chloe, bright eyed and chillin' after a yummy lunch!

Veronica and I, people watching at the mall food court!

The hubby and I

One more day til' they say, *I DO*

Me and Jen @ her rehearsal dinner

The four of us.
****

"You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith"

We pray...
To feel free of fear...to remain full of faith...to feel confident in our decisions and to realize that we deserve a chance to breathe...no matter what comes our way...

Weekend Hugs n' Lovin',