"Don't You Remember" Adele
*Surely, Adele isn't a country singer. Just had to clarify that. Because, you know, I'm pretty sure Adele reads my blog, like every.single.day. Wouldn't want to upset her.
I'm gonna go for it. A post without any pictures. I need to. I need to just type. Looking back, August was very good to us. Not a lot to complain about. There was more time to relax. Time to breathe. Time to cherish moments a little longer than usual.
Browsing through my posts, I found the last post that really let out some heartache and grieving. It was almost a month ago. In THIS post. I mention how I needed to find time to grieve, if even a little. Well, I didn't do so much of that this month. I'm glad I didn't during our vacation. I didn't want to, dammit. But, the tears came swoopin' on in this week. Tuesday is when they really began. My day started early. With signing up to help my boss out, my day ended up being thirteen hours of cleaning and driving. Let me tell you, cleaning windows isn't for a grieving girl like me. Especially the 5,382 windows of an enormous mansion. It is BORING, monotonous and gets you thinking like you wouldn't believe. For the over four hours that I squeegeed, there were about 483 thoughts running through my mind. I was in the zone. I was hot with the sun glaring through the 10ft. + windows. I was bothered at the crazy lady (no, not me...the lady who lived in the house). She had a horrible habit of channel surfing every 2 seconds in the room next to me. Her television was switching from "Jerry Springer", a soap opera, "Telemundo" and "the house channel"...you know, the real estate ones with the easy listening music in the background. I could tell I was in a mood. I so wanted to take her remote and flush it down one of her 11 toilets. She was nice enough to ask me a few ?s. How I met my boss, if I was married and of course, if I had children? I kindly replied, "No, not yet, but hopefully soon!" and kept on squeegeeing. I actually smirked to myself after. She won my heart towards the end when she told me she was surfing the internet for a cat collar for her daughter's new cat. Okay, seriously, why am I spending more than a sentence on this woman. I know why, because I'm procrastinating.
Back to what I'm trying to say...
"When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any seams,
I had no idea of the state we were in"
Here I am, just a few days away from finding out if this time worked. My period is due by Monday. I wish I didn't think about it. I wish that for once, I could just say, "Who cares?!"...
I wish that at times when I'm driving, listening to my music, it didn't consume me so much. The questions that run through my mind. The words that hit me hard. I've been listening to this song far too much this week. Pretty depressing, perhaps. But comforting all at the same time. Most people hear these type of lyrics and think about a lost love.
I do, always.
I think about how it feels like forever since I've been pregnant. I think about how tomorrow our "first baby" would be a year old. I think about how instead, I have a very likely empty belly. A belly filled with nothing but Taco Bell (had to say it). *totally, accidentally typed "taco belly" ha!!
I think about how the next 7 months could feel like forever and then some, if my belly is still empty. It is always the week before finding out if we will see those two lines or not. It is always this week that brings me pain and fear. The others are so much more hopeful. I know we will get through it. I know it won't kill us. But it is scary. It is heart wrenching. For both of us.
This week, Steve and I have done a little grieving together. We've shared tears and fears all at once. We've bickered about why this is happening the way it is. We've apologized and agreed we aren't ready to end this chapter just yet. We've cried on each others shoulders. We've held each other tight and restated promises we won't break in this whole whirlwind of a journey. As much as it tears me to pieces to see Steve cry and in pain, it brings on such a pure and raw love. It makes me fall in love with him even more and be thankful for his vulnerability.
I have made the decision there will be no testing this cycle. I can honestly say it is getting easier. Easier to not test or at least wait til closer to the time my period is due. I actually have been telling myself when I get the urge, "Maria, you do NOT want to possibly ruin this perfectly good day for nothing!"
I miss being pregnant. Even if it was only for weeks at a time. 8 weeks at most. I miss the luxury of getting pregnant 5 times in 14 months. To now be 7 months from our last loss and still, no baby.
I miss the little beans that were supposed to be keeping me up at night with their cries. I wish I was up all night with them. With them, instead of just dreaming of them.
"I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do, the less I know"
There are times Steve and I get into a discussion of...
"Should we not be having sex every day during our fertile time?"
"Should we not have that glass of wine/cups of coffee/4 cans of diet coke on Friday?"
"Is this a sign for us to stop?"
"What are we doing wrong?"
So many questions. And I know there is a reason for it all. A reason FAR beyond caffeine or wine. And when we are clear minded, we come to realize we are beating ourselves up out of guilt that we shouldn't have. It isn't our fault. It isn't anyone's fault.
I told Steve the other day as much as I like the little break we've been on from seeing our doctor, the one thing I miss is him giving us such reassurance. Even if he was "just saying that" (which I don't think he is at all)...it makes me feel better. But I know, I don't want to jump right back into that just yet. And at least I know that. Because, I tell you, I don't know what to think lately, when it comes to a lot of things.
I know I dream often lately, of being pregnant. Of holding our baby. Of seeing their face for the first time. (here come the tears) I dream of the day when it is going to feel REAL. That I'm really gonna be a mother. That I'm gonna be able to be sitting here blogging with a baby sleeping soundly on me. A time when Steve's alarm isn't going off every ten minutes (as it is at this very moment) because he is already up taking in a few extra minutes with his son or daughter, before heading off to work.
I love this life. I love all the love surrounding me. I love my job (minus window help). I love my cats. I love our little house. I love our little town. I love my stinky Honda. I love Taco Bell. I love my husband. Heck, I even love some things about this journey. (including all you lovely people)
Is it so wrong for Steve and I to admit to one another, that it ALL would taste just a little bit sweeter with the added love of a child? It isn't wrong. This, I know would be sweet, sweet love...
a baby to share with the ones we love so dearly.
a baby to strap to my back while I squeegee ;)
a baby to greet Steve when he comes home from work.
a baby to make the kitties jealous
a baby to occupy one of our spare, currently lonely bedrooms.
a baby to take on walks in our cute little town.
a baby that I would never allow to experience the horrendous stanky stank that is my car and instead take on drives in Steve's much safer, less stinky SUV
a baby that would someday get to experience all the joys of Taco Bell.
a baby that we know, with all that we are, would bring nothing but the most pure and amazing joy to our lives and the ones we love.
That is what we know. That is what we pray for.
"Baby, please remember me once more"
Tons of Almost Friday Lovin'