Friday, July 29, 2011

On The Outside Looking In

"On The Outside Looking In"  Dan Tyminski w/Alison Krauss and Union Station

This past week has flown by. It has made even more clear, the fact that many things with me are "all or nothing"...
It has made me realize to be careful what I wish for at times.
I wished for this two week wait to fly by and it has been. I wished to keep busy. I definitely have been. But there's a difference between busy and biting off more than you can chew. I've always been big on that BIG bite...tackling it...making it work. But sometimes, I have to slow it down even when I have a lot going on. This past month I haven't been doing much grieving and where I'm happy that I've felt in good spirits many more days than not...happy to get a little break from feeling like almost every day has something reminding me of our fertility issues....
A friend made me realize last night that I'm still grieving. And it's going to pop up here and there...
And maybe, I now understand that I can't just forget all together for days and weeks and then come back to it...I have to work on it, if even a little each day.

I feel like lately days are either really amazing or really piles of stinky poo. And I know that's life...but I feel that it's more of a head trip when it goes from great to bad really fast.

I wasn't feeling sad at all when I woke up yesterday. I was happy after a very busy week to spend the day with my friend, her do some shopping and go to lunch to celebrate her birthday. It wasn't until I got home, crashed on the couch and woke up feeling really upset a couple hours later. It was like all of the sudden someone injected me with crying serum. I came downstairs to find Steve in his chair, still in his work clothes, playing video games. We talked to each other about our days and he asked me if I wanted to watch something. And I just started bawling. *Crazies alert Crazies alert*

I wish I had a picture of Steve's face in these instances. He looks so frightened. I imagine he's terrified of the beast that he knows is about to be unleashed. He knows that when I cry out of the blue that it's gonna be a good one. He kept asking what was wrong. I kept saying, "I don't know...I really don't"...I said that I just felt so emotional. That I didn't think it was because I could possibly be pregnant but that I'm so scared to test next week. I think the whole "it gets easier saying" has proven to not work with me completely. Some minor things get easier...but come on now, every month seeing another negative *sucks* (there's that word I loathe) SUCKS a little more.

But you know, as tiny as a part of my day, this was...One of the things I couldn't stop thinking about in the middle of my crying fit was my purchase at Target after lunch with Kim.

I was helping her shop for her nieces and nephews. I love shopping for babies and I have a pretty decent amount of lil' munchkins in my life. Since our journey started, it hasn't upset me to be around baby clothes...I love looking at everything and finding cute lil' outfits. I even am comfortable enough to always find myself wandering towards the baby section at Target just to browse and daydream about someday. And today, at Target I bought two things. After my :*( fest ended, I knew for sure...those were the two things that set my mood.

And, here they are.
Now, obviously the pregnancy tests (which by the way were big time on sale for 3 for $7.99...*totally cheap for 1st responses*) are gonna make me somewhat emotional because they mean testing time is right around the corner...but the monkey shirt?!...

Well, that isn't for any little 18 month old boy I know. It isn't for a baby that's even here right now. I bought it for me. Okay, not for me...I certainly couldn't even squeeze one boob into it...but I bought it for if  when we have a baby. And I only have about 3 other articles of clothing that I've bought in the past two years for when we do because it hurts too much. It is such a tease. To see the perfect little dress, little baseball jersey...little shoes (all which won't be in the store anymore when we have a baby) and know I can't or shouldn't buy them. There are far more things to get upset about in this journey, than clothes...but hey, I can be upset when that little embroidered kitten jumper with matching kitty shoes, hat and jacket aren't there anymore, right??!! :) and that's why i had to just buy that baseball monkey shirt...

Kim and I were aggressively going through the clearance racks and shelves for all the sales and there it left...a funny but so appropriate "paul frank" baseball tee...complete with thin navy stripes just like a Yankee's jersey (Steve's favorite) and I picked it up, my eyes lit up and I smiled and showed Kim. She said I had to get it. It was on sale for $2 which didn't help a bargain fanatic like me. I quickly threw it in our cart as we looked some more.  Within minutes, I took it out and put it back on the shelf. I was like, "This is stupid...I shouldn't be buying this now"...Kim put it back in the cart and told me if I didn't get it she was buying it for me. But still, I put it back again. Well, just as we were about to leave the section, I went and grabbed it from the pile of orange tees I hid it under (just in case) and added it to my order. When I woke up from my nap, I pulled out the hpts (which rest nicely in my bathroom cabinet unopened) and then took out the tee shirt. I got a lump in my throat, took a deep breath and went downstairs...

"Cause in my mind the room beyond
is bathed in golden light
Well I dream about you through the day
and I toss and turn at night"

After quite some time of being upset, Steve still asking me what's the matter, I went upstairs and came back down with the shirt in my hand. I held it up to Steve and crying so hard said, "I bought this today...I don't know why but when I saw it I instantly thought of you and a little boy or girl in a Yankees hat...ready for you to take them to their first game"...His expression was one I can't seem to a good way I guess. He almost looked it really hit him hard too...the reality of all this...and the fact that he too, can't always hold it all in. His arms reached out for me and I hugged him tight. I could see tears in his eyes right away.  After another good 20 minutes, the tough part of the grieving was over and I was laughing and smiling a bit more. *Thanks, ladyK ;)

Seriously, does anyone cry as much as me? I mean, I've always been a crier. No doubt about it. No shame. But I can't help but feel like a nutso sometimes...ok, almost always. :)

So, I am probably about 9 or 10 days past ovulation. Because I didn't use an opk this cycle, I'm going by the usual. I have promised myself to wait to test until at least always, I don't want to possibly ruin the weekend. Symptoms...ughhh, the other day I was doing the "boob test" oooh, I'd say about 88 times throughout the day...and I thought they felt just like I wanted em' to...full and heavy...which then gets my hopes up. Then, the next day and so far today, not as kind of comes and goes. I have been crampy which we all know could mean my period is coming. Of course, I'm hoping it is a little egg implanting in my uterus. I expect it anywhere as early as Monday but probably Tuesday or Wednesday. And cramps come easy when you've been eating Mexican food all week. Unfortunately, Tuesday started off not so wonderful with a funeral. Steve and I went with my Mom to her Uncle's funeral a couple hours away on Tuesday. I've only met him a couple times in life and didn't know him well...and not to make a joke at a wrong time but Steve put it best when he said he wasn't letting my Mom or I drive and go alone to a place we have NO idea how to get to because he'd just have to end up picking us up in the ditch we landed in.  I'm horrible with directions and she's not used to driving those roads.  So, thank you Mr. Steve for driving! :) My mom took us out to one of my old favorite Mexican restaurants afterwards.

Me and Mom

Me and Steve...if you look closely, behind me on the left, is my love, Taco Bell...I promise I didn't plan that LOL

Yesterday, Kim and I chowed down on chips, salsa, tacos, beans and chocolate pecan empanadas...yea, so cramps should be expected, right! :)
Kim and I

While in the action hero toy section, we got a little carried away with trying on all the masks.
Kim was cracking me up.
Kim, ahem, Captain America. She means business people! :)

So, I'm going to start today off on a good foot.  And if I need to cry, I'll cry.  It's gonna be a busy one helping my Mom complete her move.  Then, it's one more week and I'm excited to say, Steve and I are off for ten days together!! WAHHHOOOO is all I can say to that!
I hope that everyone enjoys their weekend and has time to enjoy the good things in life.  I'm gonna wait for this weekend to pass by, wish...hope...and pray for good things to come. 

"Well I could brag on the things I've done
or the places I have been
But I've never found a cure
for on the outside looking in

Sometimes it's hard to understand
when they say that pride's a sin
Should I go or should I stay
on the outside looking in"

I promise, those tests are locked away until at least Monday and I'm gonna do my best to...

Happy Weekend Everyone!!
Sending out lots of thoughts, prayers and LOVE!


Tina said...

oh dear...your post has me in tears. grief is such a strange creature. one moment, you're completely fine...then the next, you're a complete mess. but that's okay. grief is a process. a process i'm not sure will ever be complete this side of heaven. i imagine that, as old ladies, you and i will still grieve our lost babies. and i think that is so ok. it just makes me long for heaven more.

praying for you, sweetie! take it easy and eat lots of taco bell (which i LOVE, so don't apologize for it one bit!). :)

Mrs. E said...

Oh Maria, I'm so sorry :( Days like that are so tough. Don't worry, you're not alone with the ups and downs and the crying fests... I think as much as it *sucks* it's natural. I hope today is better! Sending lots of hugs your way~~ xoxo~

Kelsey Harrington said...

I'm concerned about your sleep habits... I hope you're asleep now!

I'm sorry I really suck at REAL advice and use Lifetime philosophies, and turn sadness into fart jokes. :( Usually laughter helps me find a bit of comic relief in between hysterics.

I know it cheesey but letting yourself FEEL is the only way to climb out of it.

I hope the weekend goes smoothly and Monday brings GOOD, no make that FANTASTIC news!

Ps. I lol'd at your taco bell pic. "my love" bahahaha.

thinking of ya!!! said...

Ahh, the crying fests, not fun. I've done it two nights in a row--puffy eyes, crying headache, the works, and it's not pretty. But then a new day starts and it feels like a new day to be hopeful. Wishing you the best weekend and good news! XOXO

Melissa said...

Oh Maria, I had tears in my eyes as I read through this. My heart hurts to hear that yours is hurting. I know I haven't been through nearly as much as you, but I can understand how much it's both exciting and painful to buy something for a future we're not sure we're going to have. But I have faith that you WILL have it one day. I've been crying a lot lately too, there must be something in the air *huge hug* I hope that today was a much better day.

Grandma Bonnie said...

Our prayers are with you. I hope you get to enjoy the weekend. New follower from Hoppin Weekend.

The Rheinlander's said...

Sorry to hear about your struggles. One thing that I know for sure is that everything happens for a reason and good things will happen! Thanks for stopping by Keeping Up With The Rheinlander's.

I am Cute Mammi. said...

Please take care ...

smait said...

Hi Maria, I've been following your story for a while and I thought I should say hi. I am so rooting for you and your hubby; knowing in my heart that after all the tears and heartbreak, you will be rewarded with a beautiful gift that will be so loved. That's dripping with corniness but it's what I think every time I read your posts and just wanted to let you know I'm pulling for you ;)

Susie B. Homemaker said...

Such a sweet post- wishing you the best on your journey (the monkey baseball shirt was too adorable not to pick up).

Thanks for stopping by my blog and linking up for the Weekend Wind Down... I'm following you back now as well. :)

Stephanie said...

Hi Maria - I'm following you back from the hop *thanks for the follow*

I feel your pain here, lady friend. I have those crying spells more often than I would like to admit - and my poor husband! It's almost like he gets attacked by my crying sometimes (I know that face of the frightened husband you speak of). Your husband sounds so supportive - I love him for the way you described him. :)

On another note, I love your blog and the way you write - both beautiful! I will keep you in my thoughts/prayers and I really hope things turn out the way you wish (which they will - whenever it is supposed to be). I look forward to hearing/reading more from you! :)

Apron Senorita said...

I’m Monday blog hopping and so happy to get to visit your blog and be a new follower. Hope you can visit my blog and follow back.

Know that God brings us women together from all the corners of the country to share our heart. You are never alone with the love from God and the support of friendship. God Bless You with many tears of cleansing and tears of peace.

Yoli :)
Apron Senorita

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