Thursday, August 25, 2011

Don't You Remember

"Don't You Remember" Adele

*Surely, Adele isn't a country singer. Just had to clarify that. Because, you know, I'm pretty sure Adele reads my blog, like Wouldn't want to upset her.

I'm gonna go for it. A post without any pictures. I need to. I need to just type. Looking back, August was very good to us. Not a lot to complain about. There was more time to relax. Time to breathe. Time to cherish moments a little longer than usual.

Browsing through my posts, I found the last post that really let out some heartache and grieving. It was almost a month ago. In THIS post. I mention how I needed to find time to grieve, if even a little. Well, I didn't do so much of that this month. I'm glad I didn't during our vacation. I didn't want to, dammit. But, the tears came swoopin' on in this week. Tuesday is when they really began. My day started early. With signing up to help my boss out, my day ended up being thirteen hours of cleaning and driving. Let me tell you, cleaning windows isn't for a grieving girl like me. Especially the 5,382 windows of an enormous mansion. It is BORING, monotonous and gets you thinking like you wouldn't believe. For the over four hours that I squeegeed, there were about 483 thoughts running through my mind. I was in the zone. I was hot with the sun glaring through the 10ft. + windows. I was bothered at the crazy lady (no, not me...the lady who lived in the house). She had a horrible habit of channel surfing every 2 seconds in the room next to me. Her television was switching from "Jerry Springer", a soap opera, "Telemundo" and "the house channel" know, the real estate ones with the easy listening music in the background. I could tell I was in a mood. I so wanted to take her remote and flush it down one of her 11 toilets. She was nice enough to ask me a few ?s. How I met my boss, if I was married and of course, if I had children? I kindly replied, "No, not yet, but hopefully soon!" and kept on squeegeeing. I actually smirked to myself after. She won my heart towards the end when she told me she was surfing the internet for a cat collar for her daughter's new cat. Okay, seriously, why am I spending more than a sentence on this woman. I know why, because I'm procrastinating.

Back to what I'm trying to say...

"When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any seams,
I had no idea of the state we were in"

Here I am, just a few days away from finding out if this time worked.  My period is due by Monday.  I wish I didn't think about it.  I wish that for once, I could just say, "Who cares?!"...
I wish that at times when I'm driving, listening to my music, it didn't consume me so much.  The questions that run through my mind.  The words that hit me hard.  I've been listening to this song far too much this week.  Pretty depressing, perhaps.  But comforting all at the same time.  Most people hear these type of lyrics and think about a lost love. 
I do, always.

I think about how it feels like forever since I've been pregnant.  I think about how tomorrow our "first baby" would be a year old.  I think about how instead, I have a very likely empty belly.  A belly filled with nothing but Taco Bell (had to say it). *totally, accidentally typed "taco belly" ha!!
I think about how the next 7 months could feel like forever and then some, if my belly is still empty.  It is always the week before finding out if we will see those two lines or not.  It is always this week that brings me pain and fear.  The others are so much more hopeful.  I know we will get through it.  I know it won't kill us.  But it is scary.  It is heart wrenching.  For both of us.

This week, Steve and I have done a little grieving together.  We've shared tears and fears all at once.  We've bickered about why this is happening the way it is.  We've apologized and agreed we aren't ready to end this chapter just yet. We've cried on each others shoulders.  We've held each other tight and restated promises we won't break in this whole whirlwind of a journey.  As much as it tears me to pieces to see Steve cry and in pain, it brings on such a pure and raw love.  It makes me fall in love with him even more and be thankful for his vulnerability.

I have made the decision there will be no testing this cycle.  I can honestly say it is getting easier.  Easier to not test or at least wait til closer to the time my period is due.  I actually have been telling myself when I get the urge, "Maria, you do NOT want to possibly ruin this perfectly good day for nothing!"

I miss being pregnant.  Even if it was only for weeks at a time.  8 weeks at most.  I miss the luxury of getting pregnant 5 times in 14 months.  To now be 7 months from our last loss and still, no baby.
I miss the little beans that were supposed to be keeping me up at night with their cries.  I wish I was up all night with them.  With them, instead of just dreaming of them.

"I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do, the less I know"

There are times Steve and I get into a discussion of...
"Should we not be having sex every day during our fertile time?"
"Should we not have that glass of wine/cups of coffee/4 cans of diet coke on Friday?"
"Is this a sign for us to stop?"
"What are we doing wrong?"

So many questions.  And I know there is a reason for it all.  A reason FAR beyond caffeine or wine. And when we are clear minded, we come to realize we are beating ourselves up out of guilt that we shouldn't have.  It isn't our fault.  It isn't anyone's fault.
I told Steve the other day as much as I like the little break we've been on from seeing our doctor, the one thing I miss is him giving us such reassurance.  Even if he was "just saying that" (which I don't think he is at all) makes me feel better.  But I know, I don't want to jump right back into that just yet.  And at least I know that.  Because, I tell you, I don't know what to think lately, when it comes to a lot of things.

I know I dream often lately, of being pregnant.  Of holding our baby.  Of seeing their face for the first time.  (here come the tears)  I dream of the day when it is going to feel REAL.  That I'm really gonna be a mother.  That I'm gonna be able to be sitting here blogging with a baby sleeping soundly on me.   A time when Steve's alarm isn't going off every ten minutes (as it is at this very moment) because he is already up taking in a few extra minutes with his son or daughter, before heading off to work.

I love this life.  I love all the love surrounding me.  I love my job (minus window help).  I love my cats.  I love our little house.  I love our little town.  I love my stinky Honda. I love Taco Bell.  I love my husband.  Heck, I even love some things about this journey. (including all you lovely people)

Is it so wrong for Steve and I to admit to one another, that it ALL would taste just a little bit sweeter with the added love of a child? It isn't wrong.  This, I know would be sweet, sweet love...

a baby to share with the ones we love so dearly.
a baby to strap to my back while I squeegee ;)
a baby to greet Steve when he comes home from work.
a baby to make the kitties jealous
a baby to occupy one of our spare, currently lonely bedrooms.
a baby to take on walks in our cute little town.
a baby that I would never allow to experience the horrendous stanky stank that is my car and instead take on drives in Steve's much safer, less stinky SUV
a baby that would someday get to experience all the joys of Taco Bell.

a baby that we know, with all that we are, would bring nothing but the most pure and amazing joy to our lives and the ones we love.

That is what we know.  That is what we pray for.

"Baby, please remember me once more"

Tons of Almost Friday Lovin'


Maria said...

First, you have to let me send you a copy of God's Fertility Clinic. It really is awesome!

Second, I have been trying to tell myself that each day that passes is one day closer to a pregnancy. One more behind me and one day closer to the thrills and chills of a growing baby bump.

I hope you get a wonderful surprise in the coming days.

Camille said...

you're amazing. thank you for sharing this. i've loved and lost as is definitely the hardest thing. i hope you keep your head up! you'll be an amazing mama. i know this.


Stephanie of Gumdrop Pass said...

I seriously heard on the radio the other day that Adele has plans to work on a country album - NO JOKE! lol, so, I'm sure she wouldn't mind... ;)

You are SO STRONG through all of this and really do handle it all with such grace - I really admire that about you. I will be sure to say a few prayers for you guys over the next few days... you have such a big heart and I know that you're going to make one awesome momma! :)

Kelly said...

Maria, I think you're so brave and strong! Everything will work out for you. Just keep being brave and unwilling to quit!

I will pass on information to you about something called Reiki. My friend has helped people conceive with Reiki. She gives the mother Reiki treatments before and during pregnancy. If you aren't familiar with it, google it. It's completely non-invasive, and involves just laying down as if for a massage. I don't want to seem like I'm pushing you towards any one in particular, so I won't refer you to anyone. But there are practitioners all over. It is completely relaxing and helps to alleviate energy blockages through the body. Anyway, take a look and see what you think.

Good luck and take care of yourself!

Kelly @ Stay at Home Trader said...

wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :***(

i know you are going through so much right now, and my heart goes out to you and steve. as much as it hurts, and as much as you are just heart broken over all of this - i see so much strength. i see you truly helping people, and taking the time to look outside of your circumstances to genuinely care about everyone around you. i want you to have all that you wish for, and about 10 bazillion things more.

i know you and i were pregnant at the same time, and our kids would be the same age (well, within about 3 weeks of each other). every time i look at karina, i think about your little angel. honestly, i imagine your angel looking over my little girl.

i wish i had some answers for you. i really do. i just pray that you and steve get your wish just the way you are dreaming. it would be amazing.

i love you girl, and i hope you know i am here for whatever you need. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
~ Kelly Taco-Belly

Kathy said...

Maria I read your post and just want to cry for you because I could so easily have written the same post 14 years ago. The year of miscarriages and ups and downs and wanting so badly to be a mother yet also feeling grattiude for what I did have and for my reltionship with my husband.

I wish I had a quick fix or a great sure fire plan to tell you about. All I can tell you is that you are doing wonderfully and that my story did end the way I wanted it to and right now my three children are driving me nuts!!! I wish in time you too are being driven crazy!!! I thought of you when I wrote my essay that you so nicely commented on. You are amazing!! The path that I was on was painful but it also has made the journey I am on now all that much sweeter, and that is a gift I would not change for the world!! Much love to you!!

Diana said...

no pictures?? That just doesn't seem right :)

u know I love u and I'm hoping nothing but the best for u!!! I know your time is coming and sooner than later, ull be posting pics of that darling baby!! Someone once told me to continue to just imagine having ur baby. Imagine that u have ur baby in ur arms and rocking him/her to sleep. And that's what I've been trying to do. Just think... That baby is coming to me. I know it.

I wish I had a magic wand to cure all the infertiles. But all I can do is offer my support and I hope u know I'm here for u too. In different states but nonetheless ur very close to my heart.


Ps. Adele is pretty amazing :)

Mrs. E said...

Oh Maria :( I'm sorry you're having such a tough time this week. I know week 2 of the 2ww is always the worst, and you've been so busy it's probably hard to just stop, take a breath, and relax... I'm thinking of you and cheering you on! I'll write more later. Love and lots of taco belly (haha, loved that!) xoxo~~

Steve said...

Awww, great post hunny.. I L U...

Anonymous said...

Maria, my thoughts are with you often. Especially tomorrow. I know those days are rough!!! All my thoughts and prayers.


Jill said...

((HUGS)) coming your way!

I'm visiting via Lots of Lovin’ Weekend Blog Hop and now Follow you on GFC :)

~ Jill

oomph. said...

chin up,'re awesome. none of this is your fault, so don't beat yourself up!

it really is true when they say things happen when you least expect it. as hard as it may be to NOT think about this, it might help to escape it for a bit and let your body relax and de-stress. it will happen in time. stay stong :)

found and following via cup of joe.

Judy Haughton-James said...

I am so sorry to hear about the sad times you have had. I know what it is like to go through loss, grieving and sad times as I lost my identical twin sister in 2008. I hope you will see happier days. I am happy to become a Follower. I learnt about your Blog on the Friday Hop. Take care and my best wishes to you.
Judy from Jamaica

Anonymous said...

I came by on a blog hop, thanks for having me. My heart goes out to you & your husband with your losses. It must be very difficult at least, heart wrenching most likely. I know this much to be true, have faith and just let nature do what it must. In time perhaps you will be pregnant and sharing all the silly little things babies do. Gentle hugs. Tammy

Rachel said...

Stopping by to say hi. Sorry I have been kind of MIA. I have just been so tired at nights and when I get a chance I read your blog at work, but my IE at work won't let me comment (stupid company needs to get up to date applications). I know you are going through so much right now and I will send good thoughts your way that Monday you get that wonderful sign. As always you are so very strong and I am sending you BIG HUGS!!!

LOVE MELISSA:) said...

This was such a telling post! Thank you so much for sharing. What strength you have!

Aleisha McD said...

Sent a prayer to heaven for you tonight, my friend!

Mom Daughter Style said...

im so sorry to hear this news. it is sad but you are inspiring at the same time. I hope you stay strong.

I am following you from the blog hop

Mom Daughter Style said...

btw, im your 200th follower, congrats

Cheryl@OntheOldPath said...

Hi Maria
I have been reading your blog and boy do I wish I had the answers to those big questions. Life sure can throw some tough stuff at us. You are an inspiration. I found your blog on the weekend hop. Hope you can pop by and follow us too.

Mrs. JRose said...

I'm bawling as I read this! I wish I could just give you the biggest hug and make everything better! I wish so much you were pregnant with your miracle baby!!! Your heartache is tangible through your words and I know if we all could and had power, you would be pregnant at this very moment!!! Maria, you are very strong for all you have been through and I know there are five baby angels looking down on you and I dont believe for a second that your pain and heartache will be for nothing!!! I believe one day you will hold your precious baby in your arms!!!! One day you will get to meet your sweet baby and I know you will always miss your five angels, but I have faith that the ache in your heart will be filled!!!! I'm sending a big virtual hug from Cali! I think and pray for you always! Love ya!

Moosey Mommy said...

I am praying for you, and really hope that you will have your baby soon. I'll be following your journey!

Karen Pokras Toz said...

Hi - newest follower from Freaky Friday Follow Hop - you can find me at *big hugs* thanks for sharing...

Anonymous said...

What a gorgeous, heartfelt, and emotional post about the obsessions of infertility. I'm so sorry you're dealing with the 2WW right's horrific. May you have your baby soon who will be as delighted with Taco Belly as you are. ;-)

Mare said...

(((Huge HUGS)))!!!! You are so strong and brave to deal with all of this. My thoughts and prayers are being sent right now! Following you from Find New Friends Blog Hop. I'll reading on a regular basis to hear your good news. It will come!

Ola said...

WOnderful post & you are in my prayers!!!

Also new follower from You Like Me Friday Blog Hop!!


waitingforarainbow said...

To be honest, the tears started welling up when I read that the lady asked you if you have any children. I know exactly how it feels to be asked that, and it just kills. As I continued reading, the tears came pouring out, and I am still crying. I KNOW how you feel, and it is incredibly hard. My heart aches for you and Steve. You guys deserve to be a momma and papa bear more than anything. Your time has GOT to be coming.I hope that Monday brings a very positive test, and a very sticky baby. I will be praying for you, you can count on it! It was so nice to read what you wrote about beating yourself up, and making yourself feel guilty. Ryan and I always do the same thing. "Maybe it's because we drink caffeine, maybe it's because I don't sleep good, maybe it's because we eat fast food too much (taco bell) lol" We even had a conversation just like that earlier. I took a deep breath of relief when I read what you put, because you're right-you're so right. It's no ones fault. I also know what you mean about lyrics. I always relate them to my lil angels, and it always stings, but yet brings a comfort.
Thank you for this post. You are amazing, your husband is amazing, and together you'll make an amazing child. I JUST KNOW IT. I'm so glad you guys haven't given up yet-never, ever, ever give up on your dreams! Never give up on your family! Your spare room WILL have a screaming baby in it soon. :o)
So much love and hugs to you!

Tania B said...

Super hugs being sent your way. Hi! I am a new follower from the Finding New Friends Blog Hop. Please follow me back and feel free to drop by Horseshoes anytime.

chubskulit said...

Can't help but shed tears upon reading your post. I felt the same frustrations during our first two years of marriage but someone told us not to think about and just pray and the day will come. We are blessed with two children now. Will be praying for yours!

Hi there, found you Thursday Cup of Joe. Now following and hope you can drop by at one of my sites below and follow back. I have multiple blogs, so you can choose which one you want to follow. Thanks a lot!

Etcerera Etcetera
Spice Up Your Life
Nostalgic Marveling
Obstacles & Glories
Kids e-Connection
Underway: Shift Color!
Clicks Sensation

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