Monday, August 29, 2011

Red Light

"Red Light" David Nail

"At a red light in the sunshine
On a Sunday
Some are comin' home
Some are leavin' town
While my world's crashin' down
On a Sunday
In the sunshine
At a red light"

I guess my life really is a country song. These lyrics describe my day, yesterday. Plain and simple. Again, this wasn't our month.

Yesterday afternoon, my period arrived. I knew before it even happened. I didn't really have any kind of reaction. I didn't cry (at that point). I cried literally, at a red light. In traffic. On a Sunday. In the sunshine, that finally decided to make an appearance after the crazy weekend weather. On Steve's shoulder. As he drove.

After leaving a few, big tear stains on his shirt, clutching his non driving arm for comfort, I quickly got a hold of myself.

But, then the night came. The tears that came last night weren't like ones I have cried in a long time. I was up all night, restless, so uncomfortable from the "lovely reminder" that it didn't happen for us again. Steve lay dead asleep next to me. Completely unaware that I was having my own little pity party. The tears were the gut twisting kind. The kind that leave you feeling like you just took 5 back to back ab classes.

And as much as I keep saying, I don't know why I'm getting so emotional, I think deep down I know. I know that as each month passes, I am getting closer to letting go. Letting go hurts. It hurts like hell. Part of me wishes I could say I am ready to turn the page and start the next chapter. Part of me knows I'm still healing. And I certainly know I need to be in a healthier place both physically and emotionally. This is what is so tough. When people say, "Oh, you need to relax" or "Stress isn't good for you!"...Yea, we all get that. But let's face it. Who the heck can relax with all this. I mean, I can in bits and pieces. I'm not always stressed. I'm not always a crazy lady. (Okay, yes, I totally am) Maybe this sounds super negative and ungrateful. I don't mean it to. But, it's like our little vacation a few weeks ago. It is almost as if it never occurred. I am beyond thankful for that break and that time to take it easy. I am so happy to have spent so much quality time with my husband. I'm happy our fertile stage fell during that time. That it was actually fun and not all "Drill Sgt. Maria and her combat boots n' whistles".

But a vacation isn't "the cure" for this kind of pain. It is a healthy escape from it. But we can't run away from our life. We can't expect everything to just fall into place because we breathed a little easier for a week and a half. And I knew this all along. I guess the whole "just relax and it will happen bit" makes me angry because it isn't that easy. And I so wish it was true and we could have been that couple that "it just happened once they relaxed" for. With the added complication of Steve's inversion, we don't have the odds on our side. Surely, relaxing doesn't change DNA.

I'm sad. I'm sad because I sometimes resist tears and pain in front of Steve because I don't want to make him feel guilty.  But I'm also sad because, as much as I don't wish the physical pain and certain emotional aspects of this on him...
I know he could never fully understand what I'm going through. And sometimes I wonder what he is thinking. He voices his thoughts, his cares and concerns and lets me cry until my eyes fall out.
Last night, I was upset. Upset that he could just sleep. Fall asleep in .2 seconds and be snoring in .3. I was upset because I didn't want to wake him up because he deserved a good night's sleep. And I was extremely envious that sleep comes so easy to him with all we have going on. Hey, I think it's great for him. Rather at least one of us be catching some z's. But, I can't lay there anymore and cry like that while he literally plays songs out of his nose with his insane snoring.

So, I got out of bed, walked down the hallway and went into one of the spare bedrooms. The one that is supposed to be a nursery. I brought my laptop. My headphones. A glass of juice and some excedrine. And I lost it. I felt so numb and shaky all at the same time. I prayed out loud. I talked to the cats (don't laugh) as they came following, like, "ohhh, let's see what we have in here"...
I begged for the adrenaline to stop taking over my body. Eventually, sometime early this morning, it did. The last time I remember seeing the clock was 5:08.

Unfortunately, I woke up at 9:30. But thankfully, I had absolutely nothing to do and nowhere to be today. So, as it is now nighttime, I am still in my pajamas. My hair is swept up in a scary mess on top of my head and my face, still has that sticky, dirty tear stained feeling. The day has got progressively better. I've done absolutely nothing but listen to music, look at old pictures, make a million trips to the bathroom - thanks to my lovely, very heavy visitor...and text and read blogs.

There are a trillion things I could start typing about. But for now, I just want to take some more time and sort things out and enjoy the house to myself. It serves as some peace. Steve is at a football draft. And to be honest, I'm glad. I mean, I'm not upset he's gone. I have learned over the past years what a night alone, with no noise and no one to talk or cry to, can do for the soul.

So, I think I'm going to turn on some music, make myself dinner and find some laughs whether on tv or online.

*Two posts in a row without any pictures!? What is happening here, people? No worries, I have plenty from last week and this past weekend for an upcoming post.

While looking through old pictures today, I came across many videos. One that made me "AWWWW and Omygoodness" 132 times and one that made me laugh so incredibly hard I could have peed myself. While deciding which one I should add to this post, to make up for my usual lack of photos, and to bring a little lightheartedness to this post...
I quickly came to a decision.

I highly doubt Steve would be too happy with me if I posted the first video. One of him in our living room, with nothing but boxer briefs on and a virtual "Wii hula hoop" around his waist. Let's just say, Steve CAN hula. He beats my score every darn time. And it is HILARIOUS!

So, we will go with a video from June 2009. Right after we moved in this house and Krimpet's kitties were born. One of those kitties was  Twinkie. Who was born, Senor Twinkie.

Just a little taste of my crazy cat lady-ness and SO MUCH FLUFFY, CHEER UP, CUTENESS!! 

Can you believe, in just a little over 2 years, that the tiny little mister in the video turned into...

"I'm not fat.  I'm big boned!"

A lot can happen in two years.

I can't thank you all enough for your thoughtful comments and emails after my last post.  I truly appreciate each and every one of them.  Thank you.

So, day two is almost coming to an end.  It was a tough two days.  And I pray the week gets better, if even slowly.  I pray that in time, we see that green light.  In whatever way it gets here...I hope it is making its way. Letting us know, if we need to, it is time to let go.

Monday night LOVE,


Kelly @ Stay at Home Trader said...

XOXOXOXOXOXO I know this week has been painful, and so hard... and I'm sure I've said my "no-no" unintentional-ignorant-friend comments. But, I love you to death, and I want nothing more than to see everything work out just the way you want it to. I hate the Red Monster! And I'm angry she keeps visiting you :( I'm here for you this week, and whenever. Love ya girlfriend! xoxoxoxoxo

Maria said...

Sometimes those really wild and crazy cries are what we need to start fresh. I am so sorry that you are hurting. If I lived a little bit closer I would be at your door right now with a bottle of wine and a Taco Bell Big Box (x2). (((hugs)))

Bernadette & Duane said...

It's a shame we've got a state line dividing us-- we would've made quite a pair this week! I'm so sorry for the tears and the pain and every other emotion I know you are feeling. I only have 5 words for you-- taco bell and iced coffee. Feel better Maria-- I'm thinking of you!

Diana said...

no no no!!!!! AF... How could u!?!?! Ugh.. This breaks my heart like u wouldn't believe. I'm so so sorry Maria! This is so unfair and I'm literally in tears w u. I wish i could go over and sit with u til 5am with ur cats!! I'd cry with u, talk w u and even laugh because I know one of us is bound to say something funny.

It's ok... Cry it out. Be upset. Sometimes having that meltdown replenishes u and gives u strength again. I hate when people say "just relax." it's not that easy!!! I hope u know that each day that passes is one day closer to ur miracle. Believe it.

I'm sending u a huuuuuuuge hug and gentle squeeze. ='( I love u sister bear!! don't forget... Uve got some pretty amazing people here that would do anything for ya. Including myself!! I really hope AF is almost gone and packs her bags for a long while after this.


Mrs. E said...

You already know how I feel about AF's untimely arrival, so I'll just say this: Babism. (haaga!) I'm thinking of you and sending you lots of 5 dollar box love! xoxoxo~

E and R said...

Oh honey, I am so sorry. All of this is heartbreaking. I think we all wish we could have it "just happen" if we would "just relax" - if only it were that easy for all of us. Thinking of you and sending many prayers your way.

Lindsey said...

I'm so very sorry :( Huge hugs.

Jenn said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you're facing disappointment yet again. And it's doubly difficult when your spouse is lying there completely oblivious to your pain.

When our daughter was born, there was a mistake in the due date estimation, and her lungs were unprepared for birth. After the C-section the doctors whisked her away, sedated her with general anesthesia and intubated her. I was lying there recovering from my C-section in a hazy blur of morphine, waiting for my daughter to be brought to me, and I just kept getting worse and worse news from the nurses. Finally the head NICU nurse came to my room and said, "Your daughter is VERY sick. We need to get you down there to see her RIGHT NOW."

I was wheeled into the NICU, sobbing uncontrollably on my gurney, to see my daughter lying unconscious, hooked up to what looked like millions of tubes and wires and machines. I felt like I was saying hello and goodbye all at the same time. I was told there was a chance she wouldn't make it through the night.

We got back to our room and I called my pastor and got our daughter on the prayer chain. I called everyone I knew and begged for their prayers. Then the doctors and nurses told me to get some rest, turned out the lights, and left us alone, in the quiet.

My husband fell asleep within ten minutes, and he spent the night snoring loudly while I lay awake, alternatively sobbing and writhing in pain from what all of the sobbing and hiccuping was doing to my incision. I was furious with my husband--how could he sleep when our daughter was fighting for her life? I wanted him to hold my hand... but since I was pretty much immobile, I couldn't go to him, and I was too angry at him to wake him up and demand he comfort me.

It was probably the worst night of my life. The good news is that our daughter made a miraculous turnaround, and she was able to be released within a week. She is now completely healthy. But it took me a long time to get over the anger I had at my husband for just NOT GETTING IT. When he heard she was okay, he basically said, "See, I told you it would be fine."

I was so angry with him for so long that I finally spoke with my pastor about it, and he explained that God paired us together for a reason. My husband is the calm one, who can rest and be reasonable even in the most dire of circumstances, and I'm the one who helps him to understand the importance of certain things.

I remember my pastor saying, "Imagine if both of you had been hysterical... it would have been a mess. God knew you needed Ethan's strength." And from then on, I started seeing it differently. We both bring something to the table... sometimes I overreact, and sometimes he underreacts, but we balance each other. I remember my pastor saying "God knew what He was doing when He brought you two together."

That statement has brought me tremendous strength over the years and has helped me become more tolerant of my husband's seeming indifference to catastrophe or heartache. We balance each other.

Anyway, I think I've written a book here by now... but I'm trying to say that I hear you, I feel for you, I'm praying for you, and I'm also praying that you and your husband can connect and find some balance and calm in the midst of the turmoil.

Hang in there. You are never alone.

Hugs, Jenn

Amber said...

I am one of your newer followers. I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I don't know your full story. But when we were trying to have a second baby we were told that we would not be able to have any more children, all the while my body was going through a chemical pregnancy, it was torture. But finally after a year of trying we got pregnant using clomid. Miracle babies happen all the time. What also worked for us was we stopping ''trying'' and went on a few weekend get aways to relax.
{sorry if that seems bad that I am talking about my troubles of having a second baby}

xoxo Amber

Moosey Mommy said...

I am so sorry, Maria. :( Prayers from here.

mamawee said...

New follower from the monster hop. I wish that no one had to go through this type of pain

Anonymous said...

I am so moved by your post and I want you to know that I will pray for you. God has a plan and sometimes we don't understand it but just keep the faith and keep moving forward. Miracles do happen! Don't give up!

Stephanie of Gumdrop Pass said...

Oh Maria --

SO many of the things you've said in this post I can STRONGLY relate to. Although, I know that my issues no way in compare to what you're going through (and I mean that wholeheartedly), I can certainly relate to the way you feel - maybe not exactly how you feel, but still. ...the crying...the not wanting to make my husband upset by my crying...getting upset that he can sleep in 2.5 seconds while I cry all night...

I feel like I have to say how much I admire you (probably again!...and I probably will again and again). Although you may feel like a mess at times, know that you're SO strong and SO inspiring. I just want to give you a big hug and tell you how awesome you are. So: *HUG* :)

I love that you ended your post with the kitties. I love that you're a crazy cat lady - I am a crazy lady of the canine kind - so I appreciate the animal love. :)

Here's to hoping that today is better than yesterday. But if it's not, that's okay. Never feel guilty about having your emotions! :) I will say a little prayer for you and for your baby that is just being so stubborn. ;) He/she will come - I just KNOW it.

Nicole Gilbert said...

Oh Maria I'm so sorry I really thought this could be your month :( Sometimes it's best to have a full day just to yourself, I know it always helps me get through things. My husband is kinda the same way, always sweet and supportive and more than ready to start the next month. For me each month takes such a huge toll physically and emotionally and I don't think he could ever fully understand that. Thinking of you and hoping today is a good day!

Brenda H said...

A good cry is so needed at times. I am so sorry that you are going through this heartbreak. I do want to thank you for sharing your story because it helps some of us know that we aren't alone.

Rachel said...

Maria I am so sorry, I know how those cries are good but are all to often and I wish I could make this all better for you. You are such a sweet person and I just know when you have your little one you will be the best Mom ever! Sending BIG HUGS!!!

I am glad you got to enjoy your vacation and have some fun with the hubby.

Love the video; to darn cute!

Take care of yourself and I will keep sending my prayers your way. Another BIG HUG (just because I am a huggers).

MrsV said...

Hey Hun
I'm just catching up on some reading and seeing this now :( I'm so sorry things didn't work out this month. <3
I read what another poster said about "balancing each other" and I think it's so true. As frustrating as it can be that Steve sleeps so well and doesn't visibly grieve as you do he keeps the balance.
I hope the rest of your week is looking better <3

Erin said...

Sweet sweet sister! I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I'm so sorry that you don't have answers to your questions. Climb up in His lap, put your head on His shoulder and let Him love on you. Put on some beautiful praise and worship music and bathe yourself in His love. You are so precious. I pray for peace for you, as the months go by, no matter what they bring...peace that passes ALL understanding...peace that lets you sleep at night. You are a blessing. Take heart, dear one.
~Erin said...

Ugh. I'm so sorry Maria! Letting go does hurt like hell. You are not a crazy lady nor are you ungrateful. No vacation (even to your #1 destination with an unlimited budget) would take away that pain. I wish there wasn't any stress or sadness. I wish there was an easy fix for you!
Love and hugs,

Semper Wifey said...

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time.

On a lighter note, I love your blog and its concept! I'm a huge country music fan, too!

I'm your newest follower from the Weild Wednesday hop! :)

Aleisha McD said...

Thanks for commenting today! Just wanted you to know I've been thinking about you these last couple of days. You hang in there, Taco Head. You're an incredible woman! Praying for you! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Wife on the Roller Coaster said...

I'm so sorry you're going through a rough time. I'm a new follower from the THursday blog hop so I don't know your whole story, but I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care,
Roller Coaster

Judy Haughton-James said...

Hi Maria,
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care and I hope everything will work out for you.

Mrs. JRose said...

Oh Maria tears are falling. I was so hoping and praying that this month would be the positive. Sorry I didn't check your blog earlier! If we lived closer I would so be at your door with Taco Bell and chocolate and whatever else you needed!!! Even though we have never met and live on opposite sides of the country, my heart is with you! Big big hugs!!! Love ya girl!!!!

Kelly said...

This gut-wrenching sobs are great for purging a lot of stress. And so is journaling, like this blog. And then you picked yourself up by the boot straps by enjoying some good memories... Sounds like you're on the right track! I'm thinking happy thoughts for you!

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