Monday, August 1, 2011

Bring On The Rain

 
 
 
"Bring On The Rain" Jo Dee Messina featuring Tim McGraw

 

"Another day has almost come and gone
Can't imagine what else could go wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war"


Steve and I, being a crazy cat couple...were given one of those juvenile "cats of the month" calendars from my Mom. It hangs on the side of our fridge. Steve made me promise that I'd never peek at next month's picture. Well, I peeked last week. Let's be honest, I peeked at the rest of the year. And I should have known. I should have known that the sad and confused little fluffy representing August 2011 was telling me to look out for a rough start to the upcoming month.

And as I walked into the kitchen today to turn the page, there he was...frowny faced August kitten.

After an extremely busy and long weekend of cleaning, cleaning and then some extra cleaning, along with moving my Mom (I will post about the weekend later this week)...I slept like a rock and was proven right again, that the physical is never as tough as the emotional. When I opened my eyes this morning, I just knew. My period was on its way. You know that heavy feeling in your gut, the deep, twisty cramps, the migraine that seems to always prefer one side of your head...Yep...that was what I woke up to. And as I had told myself I would test this morning, being it only a couple days early...there was no need to. There it was...my period. I hate to put this visual in anyone's mind but I literally had a breakdown while still on the toilet...I couldn't get a hold of myself. I didn't think it was going to be that bad.

Even Muffin couldn't believe it.

And as I'm in a calmer state of mind (though still crazier than ever)...Steve and I are playing "words with friends" with each other from across the living room. I'm a little obsessed with this silly phone app. It takes my mind away from all the bologna in life I guess.

And the last word I made sure goes with today's mood..."ANGER"...
*Anyone addicted as me...hit me up yo'...muffinmarino is the name :)

I'm sad. I'm let down. I'm as confused as that lil' kitty on our calendar...but I'm so angry! I want to go out on the deck and scream bloody murder!!! I don't care if our neighbors stare at me. I want to flush my head down the toilet. I want a horse to come kickin' at my front door and take me far away to the land of AMAZING...instead of the land of POO, if even for a day.


"It's almost like the hard times circle 'round
A couple drops and they all start coming down"


After my phone got a workout through a gajillion and one texts with friends, I sat down and allowed the dreary weather to bring me some comfort. Is it weird that I love when it rains? Of course, especially when I have nowhere to be...but it suited my mood all too well today. It calms me. It brings me a bit of peace. So, there I sat...listening to the thunder in the dark, wearing one of Steve's old work shirts. I cried, I prayed, I let it all get to me...I needed to.


That horse never showed up at my door to gallop me away into the sunset, but I did get a caffeinated frozen surprise on my doorstep from Kelly. You know it's gotta be somethin' good when you receive a text saying "left you something at your door, hurry before it melts"...
Of course, I cried (big surprise there)...she knows what puts a smile on my face and it sure did...

When I was finished, Muffin asked for a taste...she loves whipped cream (whoa, is this post showing all my crazy catladyness or what?!)

Um, I love this picture!

I texted Steve the news and he of course, was just as let down. I will say it til' I can't say it anymore...I just don't get it. I know, deep down...it is the way things go sometimes...but, how is it that in 15 months we got pregnant 5 times and now, here we are about to start our 7th cycle since our last loss, with no pregnancies. You can't win em' all...I know that...but dammit, I wanted to win this one. Is it really August? In two months, it will be two years since this whole journey started. I can't stand that I still "what if?" things. But, I do sometimes...especially on days like today. I think about how our first pregnancy would mean we'd be upstairs putting our one year old son or daughter to bed right about now. I just said that to Steve. How crazy it is that we could have a one year old and how mad I am that I don't at least have a baby growing inside of me. I sound whiny...I sound bitter...I know.

"Yeah, I might feel defeated,
And I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I'm not dead, no"


The heat of this day got the best of me...and if I try to push it aside, it will only burn me more...so I grieve, I cry, I try my best to relax and I count my blessings. I cling to hope. I beg for healing.

A little while ago, Steve asked me to "get up quick, look outside at the sunset"...
I ran out on our deck half naked just to take pictures...

My period came a day even earlier that last cycle...26 days. So, I can't say that I'm bummed about a short cycle. It means we're extra close to trying again. Yes, we're trying again...naturally. I knew in my heart that if this month wasn't it, that I wanted another away from the doctor's. Last month, being our first with a break from everything fully, except trying naturally, did us some good...so why not another. I have a lot of hopes. A lot of "silly little tricks" that I might try this cycle. Though, I know that's just what they are...I'd try just about anything. If you told me, to have a healthy baby, all I had to do was go streaking through the mall, screaming obscenities and when finished, eat a plate of cockroaches covered in mayonnaise...I'd strip down in half a second and get my stomach ready for a mouth full of those buggers...I would!
*and Julia, if you're reading...you also know what else I would do ;)


"I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight "


Okay, who am I kidding...I'm gonna let it get me down...but not forever...
I'm going to cry into a glass of wine
And I definitely will lose a little sleep tonight.

"But tomorrow's another day 
 And I'm thirsty anyway
  So".....




*Thank you to everyone who has made me see things more clear...you all know who you are.  I'm pulling for so many of you and you're always in my thoughts and prayers.
Wishing you a week of peace.
Much Love To You All,

25 comments:

Diana said...

I swear I don't get it either. I'm in bed right now in tears because ur sad. It's amazing how much we root for eachother and when the sadness shows up, we all feel it. I wish I could jump on a plane right now and show up at ur doorstep with endless taco bell tacos and we sit on ur deck and cry. If they told me "you have to streak down walmart and then eat a pile of worms, so that Maria could get pregnant." I would!! In a heart beat!! if only it were that easy huh? Ugh. Friend... I'm sorry. I truly truly am. I'm sorry things like this happen to good people. Someday I say we all gather around God and just ask him "why???" I wanna know that answer. I wanna know why us?

I'm glad ur not giving up though. That baby is out there. I know it.. I know it. I know it.. you're constantly in my prayers and I hope that u get ur dream soon. Ur such an amazing person.

Cry it out sisterbear <3

Love ya bunches

Kerstin@TheRealHousewivesofIdaho.blogspot.com said...

Oh Maria. I'm so sorry! You have every right to be sad and angry over this. I wish so badly that you didn't have to struggle with this anymore. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs, Kerstin

Melissa said...

Maria, I am so sorry *huge hugs* I think this has been a crying day. I'm so sick of us having crying days! Where are the smiles and sunshine? I want my sunshine, and I want it for you so badly too!

It sounds like you have an amazing support system. I'm envious of the frozen drink on your porch! :-p

I'm hopeful for you, that this will be THE cycle. I really do hope that, with all my heart!

Muhammad Israr said...

nice pics...cute cat :)

Adi said...

Sorry this wasn't the one for you. As long as you can allow yourself to grieve for a little while, knowing that it won't last for days, I think that's really healthy. Oh, and Joe and I also sit across from each other and play WWF. Pretty sad, really.

Nicole Gilbert said...

I'm so sorry Maria, and I know how you feel about the rain sometimes I feel like it's the only appropriate weather to go along with my mood. Thinking about you :)

Bernadette & Duane said...

Blah! Sending many, many hugs your way. It seems like you've got the right idea-- iced coffee drinks, snuggling with the furry friends, listening to the raindrops... these are all my coping techniques as well (and pedicures of course;)) Thanks for all of the well wishes. Cheers to this being a new month and a positive one for the both of us!!!

Karima said...

Saw you on blog hop, now google following you. What a lovely post, straight from the heart, I hope you feel better in yourself soon. Karima x www.karimascrafts.com

Mrs. E said...

I'm so sorry Maria! I do know what you would do to get that baby...and I'm right there with you ;) If only it were that easy. I hope today is better--and if not, I'll save you a taco in Crazyland. Love~~~

Stephanie said...

You don't sound whiny and you don't sound bitter. I can't imagine what it must feel like - I think you're handling the stress quite well!

I will be sure to keep you in my thoughts and prayers - and wish you all the luck in the world in regards to your journey! :)

And lastly, I'm not a cat person (I'm more a a dog fanatic), but I love the way you illustrated your post with pictures of your cat! Very cute and funny! :)

Jessica said...

New follower from the finding new friends blog hop and I read your 1st post last week and felt my heart aching for you both.
My husband and I had 2 miscarriages before finally getting pregnant with our first son. When I was reading this post and read that you broke down while sitting on the toliet I felt your pain because I have been there and done that. You and your husband are in my thoughts and wish you luck on this journey and hope you get that positive test real soon.***hugs to you both***

firefly0306 said...

i completely understand about the rain--i do that too. i just love seeing the storm come in, and i stay out as long as i can. there is just something that helps with my emotions, like its washing stuff away. don't know....but i am sorry to hear your news...and you know you need to mourn this chance, and then in 2 weeks you'll be upbeat and hopeful again!
if you ever need to just get together, since we're not that far, i'm free for another few weeks...i'm hoping your positive test comes soon for you! i don't get the universe either, you deserve better than this!!!
hugs!!!

lisa said...

I can't pretend to understand what you are going through, but my heart goes out to you. I can only imagine how hard these past few years have been on you and your hubby. Good luck to you in your continued journey...I will be praying for you! *hugs*

Maria said...

I am totally open to the idea of having a monthly whiners and sad club meeting. Instead of a covered dish, we'll bring a box of tampons, package of pads, and box of tissues. Oh who am I kidding, bring the food too. Drinks too!

You know that I am right there with ya sweetie! :)

Aleisha McD said...

My dearest Maria! Just spent the last half hour perusing your blog. I have to tell you that you are one extraordinary woman. Your blog is so emotional and so real, and I'm grateful for your honesty. It's refreshing! I find myself offering prayers to heaven on your behalf. Thank you for being so inspiring. Thank you for stopping by my blog and for following me! I'm returning the follow...and cracking open and raising a can of Diet Coke to you, in your honor! HA Ha! Best wishes!

Jenn Marie said...

first - the cats are adorable!

second - i totally forgot to switch my calendar to august ... is it really august? are you sure?? i mean, it can't be! right???

new follower and stopping by from today's blog hop! hope you stop by - www.blenifer.com

waitingforarainbow said...

WHAT? I was expecting to come on your page and read about some hopeful pregnancy symptoms. I thought our cycles were about the same, and we were in the 2ww together. hrmm.... I am only 7dpo. Whata' draaaag. My cycles are LONGER than they used to be ever since my D&C. 26 days honestly sounds like a dream compared to my 31 days. I am sorry that aunt flow came, but at LEAST she was nice enough to come early. Since she was coming anyway, I guess it's a good thing she's getting it over with. I hope that next month is a picture of a mommy cat with an adorable little kitten, and a big smile on her face. I will pray extra for you this month.*hugs*

The Crypto-Capers Series said...

One day your blessing will come in some form. You are in our prayers. I am following you through MBC. You can find me at http://thecryptocapersseries.blogspot.com
http://www.reneeahand.com
Thanks!
Renee

Our Crazy Bunch said...

I'm sorry you were having a horrible day. I am a new follower. Hopefully your day will be more pleasant today.

Mrs. JRose said...

Maria, I found your blog via FOLFOH and my heart is with you. I can so relate to losing it when the dreaded AF arrives. I will include you in my prayers that very soon you will be blessed with a very sticky baby!

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