"Bring On The Rain" Jo Dee Messina featuring Tim McGraw
"Another day has almost come and gone
Can't imagine what else could go wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war"
Steve and I, being a crazy cat couple...were given one of those juvenile "cats of the month" calendars from my Mom. It hangs on the side of our fridge. Steve made me promise that I'd never peek at next month's picture. Well, I peeked last week. Let's be honest, I peeked at the rest of the year. And I should have known. I should have known that the sad and confused little fluffy representing August 2011 was telling me to look out for a rough start to the upcoming month.
And as I walked into the kitchen today to turn the page, there he was...frowny faced August kitten.
After an extremely busy and long weekend of cleaning, cleaning and then some extra cleaning, along with moving my Mom (I will post about the weekend later this week)...I slept like a rock and was proven right again, that the physical is never as tough as the emotional. When I opened my eyes this morning, I just knew. My period was on its way. You know that heavy feeling in your gut, the deep, twisty cramps, the migraine that seems to always prefer one side of your head...Yep...that was what I woke up to. And as I had told myself I would test this morning, being it only a couple days early...there was no need to. There it was...my period. I hate to put this visual in anyone's mind but I literally had a breakdown while still on the toilet...I couldn't get a hold of myself. I didn't think it was going to be that bad.
Even Muffin couldn't believe it.
And as I'm in a calmer state of mind (though still crazier than ever)...Steve and I are playing "words with friends" with each other from across the living room. I'm a little obsessed with this silly phone app. It takes my mind away from all the bologna in life I guess.
And the last word I made sure goes with today's mood..."ANGER"...
*Anyone addicted as me...hit me up yo'...muffinmarino is the name :)
I'm sad. I'm let down. I'm as confused as that lil' kitty on our calendar...but I'm so angry! I want to go out on the deck and scream bloody murder!!! I don't care if our neighbors stare at me. I want to flush my head down the toilet. I want a horse to come kickin' at my front door and take me far away to the land of AMAZING...instead of the land of POO, if even for a day.
"It's almost like the hard times circle 'round
A couple drops and they all start coming down"
After my phone got a workout through a gajillion and one texts with friends, I sat down and allowed the dreary weather to bring me some comfort. Is it weird that I love when it rains? Of course, especially when I have nowhere to be...but it suited my mood all too well today. It calms me. It brings me a bit of peace. So, there I sat...listening to the thunder in the dark, wearing one of Steve's old work shirts. I cried, I prayed, I let it all get to me...I needed to.
That horse never showed up at my door to gallop me away into the sunset, but I did get a caffeinated frozen surprise on my doorstep from Kelly. You know it's gotta be somethin' good when you receive a text saying "left you something at your door, hurry before it melts"...
Of course, I cried (big surprise there)...she knows what puts a smile on my face and it sure did...
When I was finished, Muffin asked for a taste...she loves whipped cream (whoa, is this post showing all my crazy catladyness or what?!)
Um, I love this picture!
I texted Steve the news and he of course, was just as let down. I will say it til' I can't say it anymore...I just don't get it. I know, deep down...it is the way things go sometimes...but, how is it that in 15 months we got pregnant 5 times and now, here we are about to start our 7th cycle since our last loss, with no pregnancies. You can't win em' all...I know that...but dammit, I wanted to win this one. Is it really August? In two months, it will be two years since this whole journey started. I can't stand that I still "what if?" things. But, I do sometimes...especially on days like today. I think about how our first pregnancy would mean we'd be upstairs putting our one year old son or daughter to bed right about now. I just said that to Steve. How crazy it is that we could have a one year old and how mad I am that I don't at least have a baby growing inside of me. I sound whiny...I sound bitter...I know.
"Yeah, I might feel defeated,
And I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I'm not dead, no"
The heat of this day got the best of me...and if I try to push it aside, it will only burn me more...so I grieve, I cry, I try my best to relax and I count my blessings. I cling to hope. I beg for healing.
A little while ago, Steve asked me to "get up quick, look outside at the sunset"...
I ran out on our deck half naked just to take pictures...
My period came a day even earlier that last cycle...26 days. So, I can't say that I'm bummed about a short cycle. It means we're extra close to trying again. Yes, we're trying again...naturally. I knew in my heart that if this month wasn't it, that I wanted another away from the doctor's. Last month, being our first with a break from everything fully, except trying naturally, did us some good...so why not another. I have a lot of hopes. A lot of "silly little tricks" that I might try this cycle. Though, I know that's just what they are...I'd try just about anything. If you told me, to have a healthy baby, all I had to do was go streaking through the mall, screaming obscenities and when finished, eat a plate of cockroaches covered in mayonnaise...I'd strip down in half a second and get my stomach ready for a mouth full of those buggers...I would!
*and Julia, if you're reading...you also know what else I would do ;)
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight "
Okay, who am I kidding...I'm gonna let it get me down...but not forever...
I'm going to cry into a glass of wine
And I definitely will lose a little sleep tonight.
"But tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
*Thank you to everyone who has made me see things more clear...you all know who you are. I'm pulling for so many of you and you're always in my thoughts and prayers.
Wishing you a week of peace.
Much Love To You All,