White Horse

 

 

 

 

   "White Horse"  Taylor Swift

It's well after 3 o'clock in the morning. I had all intentions of yesterday today being a good day. Though it is Wednesday, it is still my Tuesday...being that I haven't gone to bed yet. The day started out nice and low key. I had Kim over for lunch. We ran some errands together. Steve came home early because the office was so slow, they let everyone draw straws to see who could leave. He picked the good one. We spent some time together before I went to clean and then it pretty much went downhill from there. I started getting really crampy. I was feeling them since I woke up but they really kicked in as the night went on. I ended up helping my boss out with a last minute favor to get an office ready for inspection tomorrow. I "checked myself" right before I started and still, nothing. There I am, literally laying on the cold office floor underneath a pulled apart operating bed, cleaning out dust and grime, sweating my (insert body part of choice) off and thinking to myself, "I know I can't be pregnant"...as my cramps grew stronger and I could feel my hormones and emotions raging. The only thing making me laugh was the horrible "smooth jazz" station playing in the background, totally complimenting my date night with the dust bunnies. I used the bathroom before I was about to leave and still, nothing.

My boss and I always end up chatting if we see each other, which is pretty rare unless I help him with an odd job. As I was saying goodbye, he asked me how everything has been going. He knows all that's happened in the past and we've talked about it numerous times. But it's been months since I've brought it up. It's all he had to say and I just started crying. I was feeling so vulnerable and upset with knowing I'm most likely not going to have good news again. I tried to fight back the tears but there was no stopping them. I calmed myself down and apologized for blubbering on. I seriously thought he was going to cry. He's such a kind and compassionate guy. He puts things into perspective in ways without being a "know it all" and he loves to talk and listen. He kept saying, "I had no idea all this was going on"...and I know it's because when he does see me I'm smiles and laughs. He has a family of his own and said, what a lot of us ladies going through this say..."You never think it's going to be like this". He told me I need a vacation. Amen to that. He told me where he has no idea what it is like, he imagines the emotional and mental toll this takes on a woman and couple, far surpasses the physical. Amen to that also.

I hear so many horror stories of bosses out there. Ones that are belittling. Ones that sexually harass. Ones that are just plain jerks. And I have to be so thankful I don't have one of those. When I left, the last thing he said to me was he didn't want to see me upset, that no matter where that child comes from it will be so loved and that he knows I'm going to be a mother someday because he's never met anyone who wants to be one more than I do. *more tears. And as I walked out after an almost hour long convo with him, with a can of cat food that he handed me to put out for the "stray fox that's been hanging out near the stray cat food dishes" lol (yes, this is my life)...I had to smile at the fact that sometimes the most unexpected people can just say the right things or not say the wrong things, for that matter.

So, I get home. I'm home for maybe 20 minutes and then, it happens. My period shows. Full force. Nice n' early. And I don't cry at first. I guess my eyes were tired from earlier. Ten minutes later, I'm sitting in my favorite chair, staring at the tv screen but not even comprehending what I'm watching. I'm just off in space somewhere. Then my eyes regained their energy and the tears started again. The frustrating, want to scream and throw a hissy fit kind. Then come the questions I tell myself not to ask. Why? How come? and I tell myself it doesn't matter why...it doesn't change anything. I have to realize in the midst of my tantrum that just because we were "lucky" (if you want to call getting pregnant quickly 5 times in a row and missing all of them, lucky) doesn't mean we are going to be "lucky" like that anymore or all the time. And I guess I should consider our getting pregnant 5 times in the first 16 months a luxury...because next month it will be another half year added onto that without success. It makes me sad for so many women I know who go through this for years and years. It makes me heart broken for any woman dealing with infertility, losses or both. It just really plain sucks. And I hate that word. I hate when people say, "that sucks". It's like reinforcing what you already know. But it does. It sucks. It sucks. IT SUCKS! And it sucks the most when you have your hopes up and you were feeling positive.

"Holding on, the days drag on
Stupid girl, I should have known
I should have known"

Being positive is a wonderful thing.  It is good for the soul. I have hope.  I have faith.  I always will. But every day doesn't have to be rainbows and butterflies.  I don't need to smile all the time.  I don't need to laugh every hour.  I don't always have to be strong. I don't always have to put on a cute outfit and paint my face up like Dolly Parton. And I don't need to wake up every single day and tie on my Superwoman cape.

"I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale"...

Out of the past 5 cycles, I thought this could be the one. The time I'd get pregnant again. Maybe it wouldn't have worked out, but I thought I had a great chance of at least getting pregnant and just one more chance. Maybe it's because I hoped for a little bit of a fairy tale. You know, the "well I didn't use IUI, no meds, no monitoring...it will happen like it does in the movies when the woman takes a break - kind"

"This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town"...


All women in similar situations know how the sound of nails on a chalkboard come to mind when someone says, "Ohhhh it will happen, just relax"...
I think it's wonderful to believe that things can just happen like that. I know they do sometimes. I know they can for me possibly and I know very well they might not but I still can get there in other ways.. Even though it's going to be a long, tough night/day...I'm going to get through. I've been depending and trusting my instincts more and more as each day passes. Will I call my doctor. Will I wait?
I will figure it out. Steve and I will. And if we wanna go again like this past cycle, that's what we will do. And if we wanna take a break all together and then use donor, we will. If we wanna say, we're not sure what we're doing this cycle, we will.
And no matter what, I know I have to listen to my heart and my faith.

Our nice little 4th of July and the pictures from that day don't qualify for this post. Another day, I'll post them all...

Because things can't always be smiles like they were earlier today.

Kim and I


Days can't always be kitties, bright red lipstick and fireworks...

Sometimes, you just have to cry like a baby, let it all out, let it get really ugly...
Sometimes, looking in the mirror and seeing streaks of mascara running down your sweaty face like war paint...let you know you're human and it's okay to have bad days...

(the kind of days and tears that no brand of waterproof mascara can fight)

"I had so many dreams about you and me...now I know"...
I'm not a princess. This sure doesn't feel like a fairy tale.
But I've been swept off my feet by an honest, good man and I don't need a white horse, dammit. And I'll keep dreaming, hoping and praying until we hold that fairy tale in our arms.


Lots of love to everyone!
<3<3<3,
Maria