Wednesday, July 6, 2011

White Horse

 
 
 
 
   "White Horse"  Taylor Swift


It's well after 3 o'clock in the morning. I had all intentions of yesterday today being a good day. Though it is Wednesday, it is still my Tuesday...being that I haven't gone to bed yet. The day started out nice and low key. I had Kim over for lunch. We ran some errands together. Steve came home early because the office was so slow, they let everyone draw straws to see who could leave. He picked the good one. We spent some time together before I went to clean and then it pretty much went downhill from there. I started getting really crampy. I was feeling them since I woke up but they really kicked in as the night went on. I ended up helping my boss out with a last minute favor to get an office ready for inspection tomorrow. I "checked myself" right before I started and still, nothing. There I am, literally laying on the cold office floor underneath a pulled apart operating bed, cleaning out dust and grime, sweating my (insert body part of choice) off and thinking to myself, "I know I can't be pregnant"...as my cramps grew stronger and I could feel my hormones and emotions raging. The only thing making me laugh was the horrible "smooth jazz" station playing in the background, totally complimenting my date night with the dust bunnies. I used the bathroom before I was about to leave and still, nothing.

My boss and I always end up chatting if we see each other, which is pretty rare unless I help him with an odd job. As I was saying goodbye, he asked me how everything has been going. He knows all that's happened in the past and we've talked about it numerous times. But it's been months since I've brought it up. It's all he had to say and I just started crying. I was feeling so vulnerable and upset with knowing I'm most likely not going to have good news again. I tried to fight back the tears but there was no stopping them. I calmed myself down and apologized for blubbering on. I seriously thought he was going to cry. He's such a kind and compassionate guy. He puts things into perspective in ways without being a "know it all" and he loves to talk and listen. He kept saying, "I had no idea all this was going on"...and I know it's because when he does see me I'm smiles and laughs. He has a family of his own and said, what a lot of us ladies going through this say..."You never think it's going to be like this". He told me I need a vacation. Amen to that. He told me where he has no idea what it is like, he imagines the emotional and mental toll this takes on a woman and couple, far surpasses the physical. Amen to that also.

I hear so many horror stories of bosses out there. Ones that are belittling. Ones that sexually harass. Ones that are just plain jerks. And I have to be so thankful I don't have one of those. When I left, the last thing he said to me was he didn't want to see me upset, that no matter where that child comes from it will be so loved and that he knows I'm going to be a mother someday because he's never met anyone who wants to be one more than I do. *more tears. And as I walked out after an almost hour long convo with him, with a can of cat food that he handed me to put out for the "stray fox that's been hanging out near the stray cat food dishes" lol (yes, this is my life)...I had to smile at the fact that sometimes the most unexpected people can just say the right things or not say the wrong things, for that matter.

So, I get home. I'm home for maybe 20 minutes and then, it happens. My period shows. Full force. Nice n' early. And I don't cry at first. I guess my eyes were tired from earlier. Ten minutes later, I'm sitting in my favorite chair, staring at the tv screen but not even comprehending what I'm watching. I'm just off in space somewhere. Then my eyes regained their energy and the tears started again. The frustrating, want to scream and throw a hissy fit kind. Then come the questions I tell myself not to ask. Why? How come? and I tell myself it doesn't matter why...it doesn't change anything. I have to realize in the midst of my tantrum that just because we were "lucky" (if you want to call getting pregnant quickly 5 times in a row and missing all of them, lucky) doesn't mean we are going to be "lucky" like that anymore or all the time. And I guess I should consider our getting pregnant 5 times in the first 16 months a luxury...because next month it will be another half year added onto that without success. It makes me sad for so many women I know who go through this for years and years. It makes me heart broken for any woman dealing with infertility, losses or both. It just really plain sucks. And I hate that word. I hate when people say, "that sucks". It's like reinforcing what you already know. But it does. It sucks. It sucks. IT SUCKS! And it sucks the most when you have your hopes up and you were feeling positive.

"Holding on, the days drag on
Stupid girl, I should have known
I should have known"


Being positive is a wonderful thing.  It is good for the soul. I have hope.  I have faith.  I always will. But every day doesn't have to be rainbows and butterflies.  I don't need to smile all the time.  I don't need to laugh every hour.  I don't always have to be strong. I don't always have to put on a cute outfit and paint my face up like Dolly Parton. And I don't need to wake up every single day and tie on my Superwoman cape.

"I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale"...

Out of the past 5 cycles, I thought this could be the one. The time I'd get pregnant again. Maybe it wouldn't have worked out, but I thought I had a great chance of at least getting pregnant and just one more chance. Maybe it's because I hoped for a little bit of a fairy tale. You know, the "well I didn't use IUI, no meds, no monitoring...it will happen like it does in the movies when the woman takes a break - kind"

"This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town"...


All women in similar situations know how the sound of nails on a chalkboard come to mind when someone says, "Ohhhh it will happen, just relax"...
I think it's wonderful to believe that things can just happen like that. I know they do sometimes. I know they can for me possibly and I know very well they might not but I still can get there in other ways.. Even though it's going to be a long, tough night/day...I'm going to get through. I've been depending and trusting my instincts more and more as each day passes. Will I call my doctor. Will I wait?
I will figure it out. Steve and I will. And if we wanna go again like this past cycle, that's what we will do. And if we wanna take a break all together and then use donor, we will. If we wanna say, we're not sure what we're doing this cycle, we will.
And no matter what, I know I have to listen to my heart and my faith.

Our nice little 4th of July and the pictures from that day don't qualify for this post. Another day, I'll post them all...

Because things can't always be smiles like they were earlier today.
Kim and I


Days can't always be kitties, bright red lipstick and fireworks...


Sometimes, you just have to cry like a baby, let it all out, let it get really ugly...
Sometimes, looking in the mirror and seeing streaks of mascara running down your sweaty face like war paint...let you know you're human and it's okay to have bad days...
(the kind of days and tears that no brand of waterproof mascara can fight)

"I had so many dreams about you and me...now I know"...
I'm not a princess. This sure doesn't feel like a fairy tale.
But I've been swept off my feet by an honest, good man and I don't need a white horse, dammit. And I'll keep dreaming, hoping and praying until we hold that fairy tale in our arms.


Lots of love to everyone!
<3<3<3,
Maria

12 comments:

Adi said...

Oh hon. I'm really sorry AF found you. I know as little consolation as it gives when people say, "at least you can get pregnant" (like that's why you're doing it - to prove you can) it's even worse when even that seems to suddenly be difficult.

And I agree with you...you don't always have to be strong or happy. I'm a terribly ugly crier...but sometimes it has to be done.

Big hugs. Have some ice cream for me.

Melissa said...

Oh Maria, I am so sorry that AF showed up. It's not fair and you definitely do NOT have to always be strong. I think we put on a happy face for those around us 98% of the time, whether we're feeling it or not. It's okay to let that mask fall and be honest about how much this just flat out sucks and isn't fair. I'm sending you big hugs and praying that no matter what you guys decide for this cycle that it leads to peace and happiness.

Ericka said...

Maria, Sorry to see AF has shown up. Just like most country songs have a bit of drama...they usually leave with some kind of hope. Keep your chin up, put on some of that bright red gorgeous lipstick, and smile. I know how hard it is, but you can do it. Oh, and GOD BLESS your boss!! It's good to hear you were able to speak openly with him about it.

Mrs. E said...

I'm so sorry, Maria! It's good to just let it all out, and I'm so glad you were able to. If I could, I'd be there with a whole bunch of fried deliciousness and any other comfort food you need. Huge hugs!! I'm thinking about you! xoxo~~

Kelly * Stay at Home Trader said...

now you made me wahhhhhhhhh!!!!!! :( :( :( i am so sorry :( i know that's not what you want to hear, but i am ;/ your boss is AMAZING! and yes, you are so lucky! i know what it's like to work for a TROLL, and what it is like to work for people who genuinely care about you. i'm thinking about you, and i am here if you need a shoulder to cry on. i don't know what is going on with all of this....but i promise you i will be here through whatever you need. i love ya! XOXOXOXO

Kerstin@TheRealHousewivesofIdaho.blogspot.com said...

I'm so sorry Maria! It does suck! I have said that plenty of times. You wouldn't be normal if AF showing didn't upset you because it's not just an arrival of an unwelcome friend, it's the reminder that you can't have what you desperately want and deserve. It is upsetting and frustrating. You hang in there more than I could, that's for sure. I am thinking of you and you're in my prayers. Hugs! XOXO, Kerstin

Diana said...

=( Maria.. you and I are having bad days. I read this post and totally cried with u sister bear. Im sorry you are having a bad day and that AF showed up. But like many have said .. its ok to not be the strong one at times. We have to let it out and cry. If I could, I would totally give u a huge hug right now. So please accept this virtual one < *huuuuuuuug> and know that u are not alone. Life WILL get better. and it will be the sweetest moment ever. Hang in there my friend. You will continue to be in my prayers.

Btw that picture of ur mascara running down ur face, I should've taken one of mine and showed you. Mine looked like a horrible mess. I felt like the mascara was all over my face except my lashes.

big hugs to you... don't give up ok.

Diana said...

hey there.. wanted to check up on ya. I'm feeling alil better... itty bitty better. hehe.. eh.. i just read someone's post that I thought I would share with you. I just started following her actually. Not sure if you have added her. But it was a nice read. Hope ur doing ok my friend. Lets make Friday a good one huh?? Taco Bell anyone? :)

love ya..

heres the link:
http://clewis-babyonmymind.blogspot.com/2011/07/what-if.html

Stinky said...

Sorry this cycle didn't work. I'm totally behind - thought I was following you but have not had any updates. Then bloghopped. All sorted now, am on board!!

Yay for your ace boss

clewis said...

Hi there, Thank you for your comment on my latest blog. I have decided to start folllowing yours and Diana's blogs. I hope all works out for you both soon and perhaps I can be of some help.

waitingforarainbow said...

You are so beautiful-even with the mascara on your cheeks. You're seriously so strong! You've been through so much, and you're still fighting for what you want. That is seriously beautiful. Your post made me cry. AF is coming for me too. I wish she'd just hurry up and get here-and get it over with. So I can try all over again. Your boss is a great guy. You're very lucky to have him as he is to have you. Everything he said is just so touching and oh soooo true. I want you to be a Mother so badly!!! You know, my Dad always told me that it can't rain all the time. And if we never had rain, we'd never appreciate the sun. One day you'll be posting pics of your smiling face-grinnin ear to ear-with a big ol belly.I know it. You deserve it, and it will come to you. [I know it sounds like nails on a chalkboard-relax-wait-it'll happen] haha I don't agree with the whole relaxing thing sometimes. But I do agree-it will happen. You're in my prayers Maria. I'm excited to have another long 2ww with you. <3 :o/... God Bless

MrsV said...

I'm so sorry Maria :'(
I'm so glad you are blessed with such a strong support system of friends and family and even your boss. You are such a strong woman. You will get your bfp and you will be an amazing mother I just know it. <3 I will keep sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.
<3 V

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