"Every Day" Rascal Flatts
this post is going to be a VERY long one...I can tell...just a warning. consider it my post for the next few days. grab a bagel or tuna sandwich or gallon of ice cream and get comfy. :)
"You could've bowed out gracefully
But you didn't
You knew enough to know
To leave well enough alone
But you wouldn't
I drive myself crazy
Tryin' to stay out of my own way
The messes that I make
But my secrets are so safe"
Every single time I'm in the middle of a breakdown, whether it big or small, I wonder in that exact moment of despair how I'm going to get through...how it is going to be better the next day...the next week...the next month...even the next year.
And I wake up the next day and almost always...
I woke up Wednesday feeling okay. Not great. But not like I expected. Sure, my eyes were puffy and layered with leftover tears from the night before...I was bloaty, crampy and hormonal...but a bit better nonetheless. I opened the windows, let the sun shine in the house, had a cup of coffee and just relaxed. I did a lot of soul searching, praying, blog reading...thinking.
I decided until I had to go clean, I'd be a vision and hang around in a tank top and granny panties all day. Later, I pranced my way into the kitchen and figured I'd give it a go at feeling even more at ease, if even for 5 minutes.
I started with a bowl and a half gallon of vanilla ice cream.
The whole time I was cleaning, my mind was racing wild. But I felt somewhat calm...not too crazy. I knew when I got home, Steve and I were going to talk about everything, being that he didn't know we weren't pregnant until he went to try and get some morning nookie before he left for work. Luckily I was too tired to get too upset but sadly told him, "babe, I got my period last night"...He held me and said, "Oh no babe...I'm so sorry"...told me to get some sleep and we'd talk about it at night. I always feel so horrible because even though he tries to act so strong, I know how much it hurts him. I know through his emails and texts and the way his body slumped when I told him. I see it in his eyes. But as much as it hurts, I'm thankful he's not trying to pretend to be made of stone like he was a year ago.
"I come around all broken down and
And you're comfort
Sometimes the place I go
Is so deep and dark and desperate
I don't know, I don't know"
I got home, made myself a salad for dinner, to make up for my ice cream lunch buffet
And melted into Steve's arms on the couch after I came in all teary eyed from my drive home. I left mascara stains all over the right shoulder of his shirt and just kept repeating, "I'm frustrated...I'm so damn frustrated and I just want to be a Mom...I want us to be parents...I want to have a family together"...I must have said it about ten times...each time getting a little louder. He just let me cry and hugged me close, brushing my scary hair do out of my face, without saying a word. It really did make me feel like we were going to be okay. It is amazing how much sometimes you don't need anyone to say anything at all and you just know what they're feeling in that moment.
Eventually I calmed down and we talked about what we were going to do. As I've mentioned before, Steve is kind of leaving it up to me as of right now. Yes, he totally has say but he is game for whatever I choose being that he is happy with all our options. He told me 2 months ago when we were deciding what to do after another failed cycle, "Maria, I am good with whatever at the moment. Whatever you choose, is going to be good with me right now...and if I think enough is enough, I will let you know...it is your body and it's been through a lot and you know what you can handle in that sense"...
And I agree now. I used to get so angry when we were going through miscarriage after miscarriage and he'd say, "it's your body hunny...look at what I'm doing to you"... Well, he sure in heck wasn't "doing that" to me...but I am realizing more and more that in the end, it is my body. I need to trust it. I consider myself to be very in tune with my body. But lately, I've felt a little out of sorts on that subject. I know that my body is ultimately going to be what will carry our "take home" baby someday. I know that it has endured a heck of a lot in these past 21 months between the miscarriages, the procedures, the iui's, the wand ma jiggy proddings and not to mention the emotional toll that affects my body as well.
So, I have made the decision to go again like last cycle. This time, we won't even meet with our doctor to talk. No meds, no iuis, no monitoring. Just plain regular life and sex. It feels right and I'm trusting my gut.
Steve needed to call in his referral as it lasts for 9 months and then he has to call in another one. Which marks 9 months with our RE. So, when he called to make sure it went through, he did me the pleasure of telling the rn that we'd be going natural this cycle, so I wouldn't have to even think "doctor's office", if just for this month. If I want to look at the silver linings, my cycle was 27 days, which means already, next weekend and the days surrounding will be our trying time. It goes by quickly...it's that 2 week wait that makes me go extra insane. But I know it's good for me to do this. For us to do this. Because in the end, it is us. And because if and when the time comes to move on with a new chapter, I will know.
No matter if you're deciding on what shoes to slip on, or when it's time to say goodbye to a major chapter in your life...
you know when something just feels right.
Like my friend, Jen said to me today..."You'll know when it feels right...It's just like going shopping...you need new everything but you go and because you're not in the mood or spirits, you find nothing...you will know and when you do you'll be more than ready"...
and I had to smile that shoppin' lovin' Jen made perfect sense of it with that analogy.
She's right. I know what we need. I know what it entails. I know what we will have to do. I want to do it. But I'm not in the spirits yet. Not because I don't want to use donor...but because my head and heart are still healing.
Speaking of spirits and silver linings...
After much thinking, and not just in these past few days...but since I started really grieving, I've come to realize some things I've been neglecting...
Myself. Things I love. Little pleasures that I miss and bring me such peace and happiness.
I've talked to so many women, whether it be women who are in situations similar to mine or mothers for years. I know it is so easy to forget about yourself. And where I know I have so much to be thankful for, so many things I do get to enjoy, I've stopped one thing I absolutely love, since we started trying.
At first it was because I didn't want it to ruin our chance of conceiving. (which I know is not true). Then after a few losses, I thought...No way! Then more losses, and where our RE told me he thinks it'd be great for me to relieve some stress and healthy to do something I love and that is healthy for my body...I still neglected it.
I've made the decision I'm going to start running...
I'm going to dust off my old running sneakers, I have my mp3 player filled with new songs and I'm heading out. For many years I have found such positive energy and peace from running. In my early years, I'd do it just for the sole fact of losing weight. It really clicked about 5 years ago that running was so much more than a form of exercise for me. I felt exhilarated and like the stress was pouring out of me as I took each step...and so refreshed afterwards. In the summer of 08' my Mom and I trained for a half marathon (13 miles instead of the 26...eeks) and we did it. We didn't stop once. And the sense of accomplishment when we ran through that finish line was one of the most amazing feelings.
I a lot of times equate running to our journey. It's long, it's strenuous...you have to keep going if you want to see results. I even said to my boss the other night when he asked how I could keep going and not stop, "it's like when I set out to go on a 5 mile run...why stop if I get out of breath at 4 miles...I'm almost there"...
And I have to believe, Steve and I are almost there...
I am so happy when I'm running, even if I'm grunting and sweating like a farm piggy...
Steve snapped this picture right at 12 and 1/2 miles. He met my Mom and I and ran beside us the last half mile. Just looking at this picture makes me want to run. It inspires good thoughts, good endorphins, and great results both mentally and physically.
And I've also come to see how much this journey has brought on an unexpected silver lining. It has taught me to not care about that number on the scale. To really not sweat something so insignificant when you realize there are far more important things than what size you are. When I was younger, from 14 til about the time I met Steve, I was always self conscious about my weight. I was "heavier" many years ago...in fact, 20 plus pounds heavier when I met Steve. I was always very muscular from dancing and just the way I was built, so when I'd tell people my weight, they wouldn't believe me. A few years passed and I realized it didn't have to be - diet my body down to whatever number I wanted to see or the exact opposite, and not care and eat like the biggest cow in the field. I am now in a place more than ever, that I realize that number means nothing, that I do have to take care of my body, that I do have control over how much food I put in my mouth...and even though lately it has been taco bell and ice cream, it makes me happy to know...I do like my body. I don't obsess over what size I am or what I will look like on the beach. Sure, I pick at myself now and then like every woman does...but I can say that this journey has taught me one thing...my body can do so so so much more than be a weight. It can keep on keeping on, it can endure physical and emotional pain like no other, it can carry a baby if even to lose, it can get me through another day...
and it WILL carry a baby some day to term
So, in honor of saying, BYEBYE to the days of worrying about a stupid number, I'm going to do something liberating...
I'm going to post a picture of my weight yesterday morning...
Now, with all I just said, it may sound like I'm contradicting myself...but I was pleasantly surprised when stepping on and seeing the number staring back at me. Some of you might say to yourselves, "really, she's happy about that" LOL...but after eating like I have been (which I'm also working on more and more minus the ice cream fits) and feeling like a bloated sea cow with my period, I was happy to see that, if even a hair away, I wasn't in the 140's which is what I've been for I'd say the majority of the past half year.
So today, when I lace up my running sneakers, I'm going to be happy to just be running again, doing good for my body, good for my mind...amazing for my soul...and if I lose a few pounds in the process, so be it.
I was texting with Steve yesterday afternoon and he asked how I was doing. I told him, not too bad...but not great.
He then texted me this, I guess in hopes that I would feel a bit better.
So, with me thinking they had already been finished the day before, I ran downstairs to bring that 139.8 back to 140 and found this...
And now for the part of the song I'm really singing here...
"Sometimes I swear, I don't know if
I'm comin' or goin'
But you always say something
Without even knowin'
That I'm hangin' on to your words
With all of my might and it's alright
Yeah, I'm alright for one more night-
Every day, every day, every day
Every day, every day
You save me, you save me, oh, oh, oh
Every, every, every day-
Every day you save my life"
All of the loves in my life...the ones that I know and see all the time and the ones I've met through blogging. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my ever aching, hopeful, beating heart.
I know my friends and family know how much I love them but I wonder sometimes if they realize how much they get me through. I wonder if they know when they tell me I'm so strong, that they are all part of my strength. I fully admit, I could never do this without any one of you. You've carried me through, you've let me be me, you've helped me "sing my country songs"...And an extra special thank you to my wonderful friend, Kelly who just started an awesome new blog at "Stay at Home Trader"...She encouraged me many months ago to start a blog, after a tearful day together, followed by a trip to chic filet...during my 5th miscarriage. I even have the first mock post we wrote titled "Yee Haw" still saved. I went over her house in February and she showed me the tricks. Thank you, Kelly...I am so glad I did this. I love you!
You all may not know it...but every day I'm singing my country song is when "every day you save this girl's life"...
Steve and I were talking last weekend and he was reading my blog on his phone, I could see him smirking...he'd look over at me and smile and read my comments...He told me he's so happy I did this...
So. Am. I.
Because where yes, I totally started this blog for me, for healing, for cheap therapy, for documenting this ever so wacky but beautiful mess of our life...so someday our child can see just how much we truly loved and wanted them...and Steve and I can look back as well...
I'm realizing more how much my writing has brought me the beauty that are my "bloggy friends"...I don't even want to call you that...because you are my friends and if we weren't so far away, I'd be knocking your door down with chalupas and banana splits in hand when you need a night to just pig out and cry...I'd tell ya to put your dancin' shoes on and we'd go out on the town and sip martinis and chant, "BITE ME INFERTILITY". Knowing your'e not alone and having women who are such an inspiration, who are open and willing to share their stories...make this even more worth while. And just like I say my prayers for all my loves here in PA, I'm saying them for all of you out there.
"I come around all broken down and Crowded out And you're comfort Sometimes the place I go Is so deep and dark and desperate I don't know, I don't know"
and then you save my life...
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I'm happy to be ending this post with such grateful ever flowing tears. because even though in times of great pain, there is great comfort and there is always love. Love is always here. It can't be that bad. I will leave you with a few cute pictures of the fluffies and the 4th of July that pretty much sum it all up.
Sometimes the only way you're going to win is to keep fighting.
Twinkie and Muffin "mortal kombat style" after some catnip. and Krimpet being the good cat she is.
You have to surround yourself with love and all that makes it good.
Sometimes, when you feel like you're hanging by a string...
You have to throw your hands up in the air. You can ask "why"...you can scream as loud as you want to...
you will get there.
My Husband, Friends, Family, God, Kitties, Ice Cream, Taco Bell, Target, More Ice Cream...
Every Day you save my life.
Love to you all and have a very HAPPY WEEKEND,