Human

"Human" Civil Twilight

This song may be a little deep for a Friday. But during my run last night, it came on my mp3 player, courtesy of Steve...and it is just so true to what I'm feeling.

"What is this I feel, why is it so real
  What am I to say

 It’s only love, it’s only pain
 It’s only fear, that runs through my veins
 It’s all the things you can’t explain
 That make us human"

I went on a run tonight.  Just myself.  The air was cool with a constant breeze.  It was easier to breathe and easier to keep going compared to the hot and humid days this past week.  The moon was full and bright (look out, extra case of the crazies comin' right on in). There's something about the night.  I've always been in love with it.  When I was younger, I think it was more for a fear I was missing something. But in the past few years it is more about having time to myself. Time to process, learn, love and feel.
What can I say...

I am a creature of the night.

and so is Muffin. ("creature of the night" tee courtesy of Target for $1.98)

As you can see, I'm going the extreme crazy cat lady route tonight and burning this kitty candle my Mom gave me.

It's already that time again.  Time to try again.  10 days past ovulation.  And with a short cycle, opting for no monitoring this time and telling myself to not even use ovulation tests...it makes for a mix of extra emotions.  I want to feel good about it all.  And I can honestly say, I'm happy to not be at the doctor's at all this month.  This will be the first month ever, since late 2009, that we won't be frequently walking into an OB's or RE's office.  People say breaks and going "natural" are good.  And I believe they are.  But I also believe that it doesn't change what we already know.  Is it nice to not have to go, be poked and prodded, stare at that ultrasound screen only to look at my egg supply, instead of a healthy baby...YES!  But it is programmed in my brain (and programmed in my journal and phone apps)...when to take care of business, when we did the deed each cycle and what our "approach" was each time we did get pregnant.

It's easy to say, just don't think about it.  Go with the flow.   And where it might not appear to be that way, I think we are going with the flow, now...more than ever.

I spent yesterday with my friend, Brie and her adorable munchkins.  As I was holding her daughter, she asked me with a smile, "Do you feel like you're getting closer to that?"...
I became friends with Brie last summer, when I babysat for her son, Sam.  She saw me through a lot...through my last 3 miscarriages and finding out the news of Steve's inversion.  And it made me realize how crazy it is that it's been a year since last summer.  I mean, of course last summer was a year ago, but I can remember how different I felt last summer, last fall...last winter.  I felt so very far away from that.  And I'd be lying if I said some days, I still don't feel closer.  But lately, I've caught myself daydreaming...envisioning myself with our own baby in my arms.  Something that for so long, after the losses, I've avoided truly thinking about because it hurt too much.  Seeing my friends with their children has always and will always bring me joy.  And today I caught myself going into a little "baby fantasy" while I watched Brie manage juggling 87 things at once with her little loves.  I can't wait for that. Yea, yea...I know all you mamas are saying, "haha...just wait...it's not all fun"...but I do...I want that...I want the messes, the poopy diapers every 10 minutes, the cries, laughs and giant smiles from my child every single day.


Grace and Sam...such a sweet lil' duo.

Smiley Grace :)


Looking at the bright side, I'm thankful our trying time starts over the weekend and ends mid week.  I've touched plenty on the subject of "trying" and all of its quirks.  Like last month, during that time...when I wrote THIS post.

I might be going out on a limb here, but I'm really hoping and thinking this month out of many past months, is going to be the least stressful in some ways (during this stage in my cycle)...but when that two week wait hits, let me tell you...I'm going to keep super duper busy and not make any promises of waiting to test.  I'd like to, yes...but I can't say that waiting to see if my period shows helps that much. Last cycle, it was just as upsetting to see a negative in the form of my lovely period, as it is when I see that one test line laughing in my face. 

As I set off on my run last night, I started to replay the day in my mind.  Instances from years past crept on in and I felt my pace getting faster...my heart beating louder...my body coming alive.  There's not an exact word to explain the amount of peace and satisfaction that comes over me when I'm running.  When the sweat starts pouring out, the stress starts pouring out.  All the weight of my worries feel manageable in that moment.  I feel strong.  I feel weak at times.  I feel happy.   I feel alive.  I feel every sense awaken.  I feel overcome with raw emotion.

I feel human.

The moon, shining through the trees last night.

What am I striving for this weekend?  I'm striving for energy, a few ounces of peace, many sweet times with my husband and loves.
and...

feeling human.

This week, I've been singing to myself, an old song that brought back memories of teenage sleepovers at my house. For some reason, my friends and I felt the need to torture our eye sockets and watch "Beaches" so many of those nights. Last weekend, Steve let me pick the movie and I chose that old favorite. For the record, he cried just as much as me. Hey, he can be a sensitive dude.

When you're beating yourself up for feeling inhuman...remember these lyrics...

"You've got to give a little, take a little,  
and let your poor heart break a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.

You've got to laugh a little, cry a little,
until the clouds roll by a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.

You've got to win a little, lose a little,
yes, and always have the blues a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love"

"The Glory of Love"  Bette Midler

and remember that...this is what makes us human.


And to add some Friday fun to this ever so deep song, I will end with a little game called, "How do you know when it's way too late and time to get some sleep?"...

Ding, ding, ding!! I've got the answer!

Answer - When you've seen the darn obnoxiously "haunting" "1st Response" Pregnancy Test commercial 26 times in one night...

ANDDDDDD.....

When you realize there's an infomerical for something called, "Colon Flow" on your television.

(hurry and jot down that # people!!!)

Whatever your plans be for the weekend, I hope they are everything you hope for. May they
"flow" freely and bring you much happiness.

Lots and Lots of Love,