Friday, July 15, 2011


"Human" Civil Twilight

This song may be a little deep for a Friday. But during my run last night, it came on my mp3 player, courtesy of Steve...and it is just so true to what I'm feeling.

"What is this I feel, why is it so real
  What am I to say

 It’s only love, it’s only pain
 It’s only fear, that runs through my veins
 It’s all the things you can’t explain
 That make us human"

I went on a run tonight.  Just myself.  The air was cool with a constant breeze.  It was easier to breathe and easier to keep going compared to the hot and humid days this past week.  The moon was full and bright (look out, extra case of the crazies comin' right on in). There's something about the night.  I've always been in love with it.  When I was younger, I think it was more for a fear I was missing something. But in the past few years it is more about having time to myself. Time to process, learn, love and feel.
What can I say...

I am a creature of the night.
and so is Muffin. ("creature of the night" tee courtesy of Target for $1.98)

As you can see, I'm going the extreme crazy cat lady route tonight and burning this kitty candle my Mom gave me.

It's already that time again.  Time to try again.  10 days past ovulation.  And with a short cycle, opting for no monitoring this time and telling myself to not even use ovulation makes for a mix of extra emotions.  I want to feel good about it all.  And I can honestly say, I'm happy to not be at the doctor's at all this month.  This will be the first month ever, since late 2009, that we won't be frequently walking into an OB's or RE's office.  People say breaks and going "natural" are good.  And I believe they are.  But I also believe that it doesn't change what we already know.  Is it nice to not have to go, be poked and prodded, stare at that ultrasound screen only to look at my egg supply, instead of a healthy baby...YES!  But it is programmed in my brain (and programmed in my journal and phone apps)...when to take care of business, when we did the deed each cycle and what our "approach" was each time we did get pregnant.

It's easy to say, just don't think about it.  Go with the flow.   And where it might not appear to be that way, I think we are going with the flow, now...more than ever.

I spent yesterday with my friend, Brie and her adorable munchkins.  As I was holding her daughter, she asked me with a smile, "Do you feel like you're getting closer to that?"...
I became friends with Brie last summer, when I babysat for her son, Sam.  She saw me through a lot...through my last 3 miscarriages and finding out the news of Steve's inversion.  And it made me realize how crazy it is that it's been a year since last summer.  I mean, of course last summer was a year ago, but I can remember how different I felt last summer, last fall...last winter.  I felt so very far away from that.  And I'd be lying if I said some days, I still don't feel closer.  But lately, I've caught myself daydreaming...envisioning myself with our own baby in my arms.  Something that for so long, after the losses, I've avoided truly thinking about because it hurt too much.  Seeing my friends with their children has always and will always bring me joy.  And today I caught myself going into a little "baby fantasy" while I watched Brie manage juggling 87 things at once with her little loves.  I can't wait for that. Yea, yea...I know all you mamas are saying, "haha...just's not all fun"...but I do...I want that...I want the messes, the poopy diapers every 10 minutes, the cries, laughs and giant smiles from my child every single day.

Grace and Sam...such a sweet lil' duo.

Smiley Grace :)

Looking at the bright side, I'm thankful our trying time starts over the weekend and ends mid week.  I've touched plenty on the subject of "trying" and all of its quirks.  Like last month, during that time...when I wrote THIS post.

I might be going out on a limb here, but I'm really hoping and thinking this month out of many past months, is going to be the least stressful in some ways (during this stage in my cycle)...but when that two week wait hits, let me tell you...I'm going to keep super duper busy and not make any promises of waiting to test.  I'd like to, yes...but I can't say that waiting to see if my period shows helps that much. Last cycle, it was just as upsetting to see a negative in the form of my lovely period, as it is when I see that one test line laughing in my face. 

As I set off on my run last night, I started to replay the day in my mind.  Instances from years past crept on in and I felt my pace getting heart beating body coming alive.  There's not an exact word to explain the amount of peace and satisfaction that comes over me when I'm running.  When the sweat starts pouring out, the stress starts pouring out.  All the weight of my worries feel manageable in that moment.  I feel strong.  I feel weak at times.  I feel happy.   I feel alive.  I feel every sense awaken.  I feel overcome with raw emotion.

I feel human.

The moon, shining through the trees last night.

What am I striving for this weekend?  I'm striving for energy, a few ounces of peace, many sweet times with my husband and loves.

feeling human.

This week, I've been singing to myself, an old song that brought back memories of teenage sleepovers at my house. For some reason, my friends and I felt the need to torture our eye sockets and watch "Beaches" so many of those nights. Last weekend, Steve let me pick the movie and I chose that old favorite. For the record, he cried just as much as me. Hey, he can be a sensitive dude.

When you're beating yourself up for feeling inhuman...remember these lyrics...

"You've got to give a little, take a little,  
and let your poor heart break a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.

You've got to laugh a little, cry a little,
until the clouds roll by a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.

You've got to win a little, lose a little,
yes, and always have the blues a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love"

"The Glory of Love"  Bette Midler

and remember that...this is what makes us human.

And to add some Friday fun to this ever so deep song, I will end with a little game called, "How do you know when it's way too late and time to get some sleep?"...

Ding, ding, ding!! I've got the answer!

Answer - When you've seen the darn obnoxiously "haunting" "1st Response" Pregnancy Test commercial 26 times in one night...


When you realize there's an infomerical for something called, "Colon Flow" on your television.
(hurry and jot down that # people!!!)

Whatever your plans be for the weekend, I hope they are everything you hope for. May they
"flow" freely and bring you much happiness.

Lots and Lots of Love,


Diana said...

Lol gotta love those late night infomercials :) some stuff is just really bizarre!

I'm glad ur taking this month off from Dr's visits. it's so funny how just yesterday I commented on People magazine FB wall.. they were talking about bill and guilianne rancic on how they are taking time off from infertility. Anyway it's amazing how many ignorant people are. I'm talking about the ones that were commenting. Sheeeeesh that thread just upset me. Anyway, alot said "just relax and it's goin to happen for her. It's a proven fact." blah blah.... I wish I could crawl into the screen and slap most of them. If only it were that easy huh?

However, being on this side of the infertility train, it is good to take breaks. Not only for ur mind but for ur body as well. There isn't a day that I don't think of all u and hope u all get that dream baby. I know it my heart it'll happen. The question is... When????? And that's the frustrating part. I can't believe it's been a year since all that happened to ya. Wow! Time flies. I'm glad u are stronger now than a year ago. And just think, ur going to be stronger by the minute.

I wish u a fabulous weekend of FUN! clear ur mind and just go w the flow gf :) hugs to ya! U ROCK!!

Diana said...

Ps. I noticed on FB ur birthday is in Sept.. Mine is Sept 10 ;) Hooray for September!

Kaity May said...

I hope you have a great weekend as well. I go through a lot of the same emotions as you and now a year since my loss I can see myself invisioning a baby in my future again. I love spending time with my neices and know that someday I will be a great mom. I like you can't wait for the juggling 87 things and a baby or two at the same thing.

I definately believe that sometimes we just need to take a break and that it's a good thing. Actually the time I did get pregnant we were taking a break so I was less stressed. I'm not saying that is why it happened I just find it odd that that is when it did happen.

I hope this natural cycle brings you some peace. said...

I have thought quite a few times about how I wish I could go back to the time when TTC just meant gettin' busy--not timing it, worrying about doing it enough or too much, over analyzing symptoms, two week waits, etc. But like you said, once you know, you know. And even if you try to not think about it, you still know. Even so, trying not to stress does help. But it doesn't mean you won't be sad if it doesn't work. Ok, enough rambling! I hope you have peace. I just posted a song about peace that I will probably be replaying all day. <3 Kerstin

Mrs. E said...

Hi! Just popping over to wish you a happy day 11 and a wonderful weekend! I'm sending you lots of crazy-neutralizing vibes (though to be honest, they haven't really worked for me lol). Lots of love!! Hugs~~

ps: whenever I'm up that late and watching infomercials, I am always tempted to buy something (I mean, who doesn't need a pair of pajama jeans??!! lol) I never have though...

MrsV said...

I hope you are having a fun filled stress free weekend :)
And I hope that if nothing else this cycle brings you some peace <3

Olivia : I am still learning said...

We are a lot alike.

I'm also a night owl, and run at night. Except my husband is a crazy worrier and I run in the sunroom of our house on the treadmill. It's strange but I get this burst of energy at night, and like you it helps release the stresses of life.. and I like the feeling of the sweat falling down my templets and neck... like all the bad and negative things in my life are slowly pouring out of me.

This post was amazing, and raw and it made me feel like I know you. Thank you for sharing.

I pray for you peace and babies.

After losing our child this past month, I think I may wait another year before trying. I don't know, I feel like I need some time to heal myself. You are so strong and it carries through your post. ((hugs))

Rachel said...

Hey Maria, I hope your weekend was everything you wanted it to be and much more. Thank you for your wonderful comment on my post. We are going with the punches but wish that house would sell as it's keeping us up at night. Big hugs and I pray this is your month!!

Danny's Mommy said...

Hi Maria,

Thanks for the laugh! Yes, those late night infomercials sometimes are quite funny...and other times not so much so... That's actually one of my do infomercials as a gray haired gramdma. Lots of comedy in them for seniors! I was thinking of you yesterday and thought I'd drop you a line. I was singing Shania Twain's song Any Man of Mine to the puppy the other day. He is starting to get a clue of his pecking order in the pack. ;-) hope you are well! (((((BIGHUGS))))) & lots of prayers! <3 Franki

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