Thursday, July 21, 2011

I Shall Believe

"I Shall Believe"  Sheryl Crow


When I first set out on this journey, I didn't truly know what to expect when it came to the "waiting game". Of course, I was anxious back in November 09'...waiting to see if our first attempt at a family the month before, would bring us a positive. It didn't. I remember being so disappointed...obnoxiously disappointed. Thinking I was doomed because I didn't get pregnant on the first try like so many other lucky women I had heard of. The next month, in December, I waited to test until my period was due. And when I slowly crept into our powder room to check the results...there on the counter, were 2 lines staring back at me. A positive that quickly became a negative not even a week later. That was the moment my passion for a child, a family, another pregnancy...became even stronger.

Some people say, "just don't think about it". If only it were that easy. After each miscarriage, my yearning to be pregnant again becomes greater. Now that my 2 week wait has begun, I can't help but wonder if this time will be the one. There are some days I really do feel like I am made of steel...that nothing can get to me. And then I have the days and nights where it consumes my heart and soul. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, "wait, did all of this just take place in the past 21 months?...have I really been pregnant 5 times?"...Because, to be honest, it is really hard for me to say that I never have truly felt pregnant. The second time, yes...I got a taste of extreme symptoms with it being twins, a quickly rounding belly, dreams of a baby in my arms. But the other 4, not so much. It's hard for me to even remember being pregnant in February. Maybe it's because I blocked it out. Maybe that vacation we took during/after our last loss was that good...that it took away some of the pain.
Or maybe I just didn't want to believe I was.

Because in the almost 6 months it's been since our last pregnancy, I have only now been truly dealing with it all and knowing that it was pure instinct to detach myself from the pregnancies in a way to protect myself.
I don't want to completely detach anymore. No matter what...I want to have even a few drops of positivity.
I know that too, is so much easier said than done.

Where each cycle I feel more and more close to being able to say goodbye to this chapter if needed, I still believe there's a chance. And maybe I don't need to take that chance, because what could be waiting for us IS just as great. I know it is. I do. I just believe to trust my trust my gut...that I will know when, if the time "turn out the lights" on this chapter.

"Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe

I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone

But I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be"

The past 5 cycles of not getting pregnant have proven a few things to me. That where I'm more used to seeing a negative, therefore expecting doesn't make it any easier to see it. It just makes it easier to expect it. If that makes sense.

Do I honestly expect to find out I'm pregnant in 2 weeks...not really. Do I want to be pregnant just as much as last cycle or the ones before...more than anything. Lately, I've been relying more and more on my nights of reflection. I have been keeping very busy but I still need to continue with grieving. It might sound depressing. My therapy sessions that only include me and my computer...sitting on my couch with music...keeping the remote control close by in case I want a little tacky lifetime movie network to distract me here and there. But it has been working and I actually love this part of my day.  As well as keeping busy. I'm finding the perfect balance and slowly but surely, I'm noticing differences.

I have a lot of positives surrounding me these next two weeks. I'm going to do my best to remember that...and see all that is good around me.  The sad girl...back in the November 09', who felt doomed had no idea what was in store for her and somehow...has more strength and hope now, than she did back then.  Because I'm keeping the faith more than ever these days...even in times of utter weakness, it will always remain.

"Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe"

Happy Thursday Everyone!
Hope it's a Great One! <3

Lots of Love,


Diana said...

This is such a sweet post Maria! I'm so glad that every day u are getting stronger and stronger. And you know what? Not only getting stronger and stronger but ur gettin closer and closer to your dream! I can't begin to tell you how I'm looking forward to you announcing your pregnancy! It's going to be so special. We gotta keep positive! I know we may have our sad days... And that's ok. But the important thing is that u get right back up from your "funk" and move ahead. I'm thinking of ya gf... Let's hope these 2 weeks bring some good news!!!

firefly0306 said...

wow-how our thoughts mimic each other! i too have been struggling with the feelings of IF we try again, to completely detach myself from the pregnancy as to avoid any additional pain or sadness, but then coming to the realization that to not enjoy the possible pregnancy would maybe hurt more. it's a hard thing to balance, and i wonder if anyone has done it successfully. but in my brightest moments, i do know that i would rather enjoy the short time i would have with any baby, no matter how young, then to sit and ignore the young baby growing inside. i said those are in my good moments. in my bad moments, i want to be selfish and protect myself so that i can be "normal" for those around me, and preserve some of my sanity. I know how hard the 2 week wait is. That balance of not knowing. I think you have a great plan to stay positive and busy. I understand the want to have it be different this time, but then expect to see the negative in two weeks.
I am also hoping and thinking of the best for you, and if you ever need to chat, because I also use most evenings to reflect and write, please let me know.
You are amazingly strong, and I admire your courage and ability to vocalize your thoughts so clearly!
Yay for the upcoming weekend, even though its unbearably hot! said...

This is so true. Some days I feel like I am "made of steel" and other days I feel like I am a mushy mess. Sometimes it is hard to hold onto that hope. I hope and pray that the day of a BFP (that doesn't end in a m/c) comes soon for you! Keep having faith. <3 Kerstin

Mrs. E said...

I love the way you describe "turning out the lights" on a chapter. What a beautiful way to put it... I believe that when it's the right time to do so, you'll know. Like you said, trust yourself. Lots of love and hugs during the craziness of this 2ww. I'm now off to write you another excessively long email ;) xoxoxo~~

Rachel said...

You are so strong but it is good to let go some times and just cry and it is good you know that too. Like you said you are even closer to having that little one and every day that goes by brings you that much closer. I do know that when you have your little one you will love them that much more for what you have been through.

Love the song.. And here is to hoping your 2ww flies by and it ends on a positive note :-)

Melissa said...

Your blog always speaks to me and inspires me, Maria. You are such an incredibly strong woman. Being sad, crying, asking why does not change the strength that is deep within you. I admire you.

Tina said...

Thank you for stopping by my blog.

I am so incredibly sorry for all of your losses. I read your first post and I can't believe you have endured so much. You are an incredibly beautiful, strong woman. Praying you get a BFP this time around!!!

Jenn said...

Hang in there hon... every step gets you closer to the family you long for... it may come in a different way than you had planned, but every round brings you closer to a child -- however that child may come to you.

We are never standing still, although it may sometimes feel that way.

My heart aches for you and I am praying for you... for strength... and for your dreams to become reality.

On a lighter note, thanks for all your sweet comments on my blog... it's always so nice to see your smiling face in my comment box!

I saw you live in PA. So do I. Where do you live -- wouldn't it be funny if we lived 10 minutes away from each other?

Smiles, Jenn

Olivia : I am still learning said...


It's a hard process, and as much as I talk about keeping positive, there are moments when it's too much. When I open the bedside drawer and pull out that stick that had two lines and stare at it... I can't help myself, I'm not ready to throw it away yet.

Go through the emotions, the good, the bad and the ugly they are all healing!!

Lora said...

Hi from ICLW and thanks for stopping my blog. This was a beautiful and inspiring post. Nothing about infertility is easy but keeping a positive attitude can go a long way. Best wishes!

Jo said...

I can identify with those feelings of detachment, and also of not WANTING to be detached. After my first loss, I approached my second pregnancy with trepidation and spent the entire next two months (until I lost that one) expecting it to end in heartbreak.

I have vowed that if we ever get that lucky again, that I will not be the first to break the hug (something another wise blogger posted a while back that has stuck with me).


JustHeather said...

What a great post. These words of your really ring true with me:
There are some days I really do feel like I am made of steel...that nothing can get to me. And then I have the days and nights where it consumes my heart and soul.
It is exactly how I feel. Some days are good days and others aren't. But those good days, I can conquer the world. May you stay strong and positive.

Anonymous said...

Hello from ICLW. I hope that things work out for you soon. This is such a difficult journey.

Diana said...

Hehe thank u for wanting to send me a whole chocolate cake today :) u are too sweet. I'm glad I have amazing friends like you to help me face this insane world. Hope u had a wonderful day and weekend gf


Maria said...

I hope these two weeks fly by with help from the Lifetime Channel and maybe a taco or two. :) Don't lose hope. There are wonderful moments headed your way. I just know it!

Anonymous said...

Visiting from ICLW.

I've loved reading your blog and plan to come back and continue following your journey. You have an amazing strength and I admire the courage you have to continue moving forward each month. (((HUGS)))

NC Sue said...

I'm originally from Pennsylvania too (Philly area) but we've lived in NC for a long time now.
I found you through the hop, and am now following you.
If you like hops, please click the link under my header for a page that lists over 300 hops, some for each day of the week. And if you know of some I'm missing, please let me know!
Have a great day!
In Him We Live & Move & Have Our Being

NC Sue said...

I'm originally from Pennsylvania too (Philly area) but we've lived in NC for a long time now.
I found you through the hop, and am now following you.
If you like hops, please click the link under my header for a page that lists over 300 hops, some for each day of the week. And if you know of some I'm missing, please let me know!
Have a great day!
In Him We Live & Move & Have Our Being

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