"I Shall Believe" Sheryl Crow
When I first set out on this journey, I didn't truly know what to expect when it came to the "waiting game". Of course, I was anxious back in November 09'...waiting to see if our first attempt at a family the month before, would bring us a positive. It didn't. I remember being so disappointed...obnoxiously disappointed. Thinking I was doomed because I didn't get pregnant on the first try like so many other lucky women I had heard of. The next month, in December, I waited to test until my period was due. And when I slowly crept into our powder room to check the results...there on the counter, were 2 lines staring back at me. A positive that quickly became a negative not even a week later. That was the moment my passion for a child, a family, another pregnancy...became even stronger.
Some people say, "just don't think about it". If only it were that easy. After each miscarriage, my yearning to be pregnant again becomes greater. Now that my 2 week wait has begun, I can't help but wonder if this time will be the one. There are some days I really do feel like I am made of steel...that nothing can get to me. And then I have the days and nights where it consumes my heart and soul. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, "wait, did all of this just take place in the past 21 months?...have I really been pregnant 5 times?"...Because, to be honest, it is really hard for me to say that I never have truly felt pregnant. The second time, yes...I got a taste of extreme symptoms with it being twins, a quickly rounding belly, dreams of a baby in my arms. But the other 4, not so much. It's hard for me to even remember being pregnant in February. Maybe it's because I blocked it out. Maybe that vacation we took during/after our last loss was that good...that it took away some of the pain.
Or maybe I just didn't want to believe I was.
Because in the almost 6 months it's been since our last pregnancy, I have only now been truly dealing with it all and knowing that it was pure instinct to detach myself from the pregnancies in a way to protect myself.
I don't want to completely detach anymore. No matter what...I want to have even a few drops of positivity.
I know that too, is so much easier said than done.
Where each cycle I feel more and more close to being able to say goodbye to this chapter if needed, I still believe there's a chance. And maybe I don't need to take that chance, because what could be waiting for us IS just as great. I know it is. I do. I just believe to trust my heart...to trust my gut...that I will know when, if the time comes...to "turn out the lights" on this chapter.
"Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe
I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be"
The past 5 cycles of not getting pregnant have proven a few things to me. That where I'm more used to seeing a negative, therefore expecting one...it doesn't make it any easier to see it. It just makes it easier to expect it. If that makes sense.
Do I honestly expect to find out I'm pregnant in 2 weeks...not really. Do I want to be pregnant just as much as last cycle or the ones before...more than anything. Lately, I've been relying more and more on my nights of reflection. I have been keeping very busy but I still need to continue with grieving. It might sound depressing. My rituals...my therapy sessions that only include me and my computer...sitting on my couch with music...keeping the remote control close by in case I want a little tacky lifetime movie network to distract me here and there. But it has been working and I actually love this part of my day. As well as keeping busy. I'm finding the perfect balance and slowly but surely, I'm noticing differences.
I have a lot of positives surrounding me these next two weeks. I'm going to do my best to remember that...and see all that is good around me. The sad girl...back in the November 09', who felt doomed had no idea what was in store for her and somehow...has more strength and hope now, than she did back then. Because I'm keeping the faith more than ever these days...even in times of utter weakness, it will always remain.
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe"
Happy Thursday Everyone!
Hope it's a Great One! <3
Lots of Love,