*another two posts in one - digging into the then and now <3
"Everything Is Beautiful" - Ann Marie Boscovich
I've thought a lot this week. About how quickly the days are passing by. How different and yet all the same things are when I compare now and years past - such a tremendous comfort.
Fall and the month of October hold such significance.
And today, I just want to recognize and give thanks for the
then and now.
I think back to three years ago, in October 2009, when Steve and I began trying for a family...
There was an innocence in us. I was carefree mixed with just a tad bit obsessive all at once. Falling pregnant two months later made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world - what I'd been yearning for my whole life was just given to me in the blink of an eye.
"This was so simple," I thought to myself.
When it was taken away almost instantly, there was still that innocence.
How were we to have a clue as to what lied ahead of us...
None of us ever truly know.
A year later, in October 2010, 3 miscarriages in...
Steve and I, exhausted but determined, met our wonderful reproductive endocrinologist. He was a breath of fresh air, instilling a new kind of hope in us. He was caring, sensitive, funny, open-minded, down to earth and aggressive to an extent. A perfect fit for us.
Fall that year was a roller-coaster - a giant, twisting, take-your-breath-away ride.
November came, and oh what an emotional, heartbreaking (at the time) month that was.
There will always be moments in this journey that stand out. Ones that stick so vividly to my mind and wrap so tightly around my heart, that I find it hard not to get chills and be pulled right back in...
It's times like these, today, that make us appreciate all we've been through.
My friend, Kelly, and I were just talking about that day in November - when Steve and I got the news of his inversion. She remembers exactly where she was standing when I called her.
I remember the heat that rushed through my body, the cries that sounded more like screams...
The way Steve collapsed into me when he got home. A million apologies and tears as we sat at the dining room table.
With our doctor giving us the green light on giving it a few more tries before moving onto bigger hurdles, we went for it - 2 more pregnancies that ended as 2 more losses.
The rest of the winter into early spring took our marriage to extremely trying places.
I was desperate for Steve to open up, let go of his anger and realize that I had no resentment whatsoever for his inversion. "If anything, I'm going to resent you for closing yourself off and thinking you're entitled to continue this behavior while I keep going physically and emotionally!" I would repeat to him for the next couple months.
I uttered the word divorce more than once in our biggest of battles. Steve did too, in such a rage of helplessness and guilt.
With time, came strength. On both our parts.
Steve started talking...really talking. Vulnerability is beautiful. And he was ready to let go.
He confessed his greatest fears, his guilt and sadness.
And I fell more in love with him as a deeper connection formed between us - one that makes me so damn grateful - one that makes me give great thanks for all the bullshit we went through.
You really do just never truly know when it comes to these things...
How we got pregnant 5 times in a little over a year to have it all come to a halt - 8 months of trying after our last loss in February 2011 to get to October 2011 with no success.
Looking back now, it was a blessing - one that I don't think either of us realized would come to be so special and important.
Backtracking a little...
I think it was late spring 2011. Steve was driving. Me in the passenger side...us heading out to run some errands.
Silly, but I remember a Wegman's truck passing by us and Steve putting his hand on my leg...
Turning to look at me, as he said "I'm ready to look into sperm donors. I've been thinking about it, and I'm ready."
And it wasn't really his words that had me overcome with emotion, but more the look in his eyes and how genuinely those words flowed out of his mouth.
I wrote THIS POST almost a year ago, last October. Oh, my heart ached with such bittersweet emotion. It hurt good.
And I knew in the coming months, Steve and I were in for many new experiences. I knew we'd learn more about ourselves and grow a little more each day.
And after enjoying the holidays, de-stressing a bit and regaining our strength,
we took THAT LEAP.
Finding a sperm donor...it wasn't nearly as scary as we thought it'd be.
In fact, I don't think it was scary at all. But, it took time, patience and a whole lot of life living to get to that point.There were surprises and heartbreaking times still to come, but we never stopped pushing forward.
Those months were filled with such uncertainty at times, but more than anything, with
grace, blessings and this undying hope that we would get where we dreamed to be from the start.
You see, I didn't write much about that "first" October, 3 years ago. Because in the big picture of it all...it doesn't hold nearly as much beauty and importance as the months and years that followed.
When Steve and I started out on this journey,
we never imagined all that that was coming our way...We thought we'd have one, maybe even two little ones running around by now. We didn't expect to go through 7 losses or search a website one January day for sperm donors. We never imagined that a few years later, we'd celebrate Valentine's Day by calling a clinic across the country to charge more money than we ever have to our check card. We never imagined I would be carrying a baby who has half my genetic makeup and half a stranger's.
I'll say it a third time...
You just never truly know.
You never know what roads life will take you down or what challenges you'll face when it comes to reaching your dreams. You never quite grasp in the heat of those intense moments, how pure chaos can and will turn into pure beauty.
I sit here today, on this new and blessed road, looking back on the past three years...
knowing that the road was always blessed.
We wouldn't have had it any other way.
And it's more beautiful than we ever imagined.
(Is it me, or are my boobs out almost as far as my belly?! I think they're pregnant too! )
Twinkie, of course, had to make his appearance.
"Here" - Rascal Flatts
who is somewhere in the middle of that road - maybe unsure and scared, exhausted and hurting...
my thoughts and prayers are with you.
It will all be worth it. <3
Beautiful, Present and HERE Lovin',