Friday, October 12, 2012

Everything Is Beautiful and Here

*another two posts in one - digging into the then and now <3

"Everything Is Beautiful" - Ann Marie Boscovich

I've thought a lot this week.  About how quickly the days are passing by.  How different and yet all the same things are when I compare now and years past - such a tremendous comfort. 

Fall and the month of October hold such significance.
And today, I just want to recognize and give thanks for the
then and now.

I think back to three years ago, in October 2009, when Steve and I began trying for a family...
There was an innocence in us.  I was carefree mixed with just a tad bit obsessive all at once.  Falling pregnant two months later made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world - what I'd been yearning for my whole life was just given to me in the blink of an eye. 
"This was so simple," I thought to myself.
When it was taken away almost instantly, there was still that innocence.
How were we to have a clue as to what lied ahead of us...
None of us ever truly know.

A year later, in October 2010, 3 miscarriages in...
Steve and I, exhausted but determined, met our wonderful reproductive endocrinologist.  He was a breath of fresh air, instilling a new kind of hope in us.  He was caring, sensitive, funny, open-minded, down to earth and aggressive to an extent.  A perfect fit for us. 

Fall that year was a roller-coaster - a giant, twisting, take-your-breath-away ride.
November came, and oh what an emotional, heartbreaking (at the time) month that was.
There will always be moments in this journey that stand out.  Ones that stick so vividly to my mind and wrap so tightly around my heart, that I find it hard not to get chills and be pulled right back in...
It's times like these, today, that make us appreciate all we've been through.
My friend, Kelly, and I were just talking about that day in November - when Steve and I got the news of his inversion.  She remembers exactly where she was standing when I called her.
I remember the heat that rushed through my body, the cries that sounded more like screams...
The way Steve collapsed into me when he got home.  A million apologies and tears as we sat at the dining room table.

With our doctor giving us the green light on giving it a few more tries before moving onto bigger hurdles, we went for it - 2 more pregnancies that ended as 2 more losses.

The rest of the winter into early spring took our marriage to extremely trying places. 
I was desperate for Steve to open up, let go of his anger and realize that I had no resentment whatsoever for his inversion.  "If anything, I'm going to resent you for closing yourself off and thinking you're entitled to continue this behavior while I keep going physically and emotionally!" I would repeat to him for the next couple months.
I uttered the word divorce more than once in our biggest of battles.  Steve did too, in such a rage of helplessness and guilt.

With time, came strength.  On both our parts.
Steve started talking...really talking.  Vulnerability is beautiful.  And he was ready to let go.
  He confessed his greatest fears, his guilt and sadness.
And I fell more in love with him as a deeper connection formed between us - one that makes me so damn grateful - one that makes me give great thanks for all the bullshit we went through.

You really do just never truly know when it comes to these things...
How we got pregnant 5 times in a little over a year to have it all come to a halt - 8 months of trying after our last loss in February 2011 to get to October 2011 with no success.
Looking back now, it was a blessing - one that I don't think either of us realized would come to be so special and important.

Backtracking a little...
I think it was late spring 2011.  Steve was driving.  Me in the passenger heading out to run some errands.
Silly, but I remember a Wegman's truck passing by us and Steve putting his hand on my leg...
Turning to look at me, as he said "I'm ready to look into sperm donors.  I've been thinking about it, and I'm ready." 
And it wasn't really his words that had me overcome with emotion, but more the look in his eyes and how genuinely those words flowed out of his mouth. 

I wrote THIS POST almost a year ago, last October. Oh, my heart ached with such bittersweet emotion. It hurt good.
And I knew in the coming months, Steve and I were in for many new experiences.  I knew we'd learn more about ourselves and grow a little more each day.
And after enjoying the holidays, de-stressing a bit and regaining our strength,
we took THAT LEAP.

Finding a sperm wasn't nearly as scary as we thought it'd be. 
In fact, I don't think it was scary at all.  But, it took time, patience and a whole lot of life living to get to that point.There were surprises and heartbreaking times still to come, but we never stopped pushing forward.
Those months were filled with such uncertainty at times, but more than anything, with
grace, blessings and this undying hope that we would get where we dreamed to be from the start.

You see, I didn't write much about that "first" October, 3 years ago.  Because in the big picture of it doesn't hold nearly as much beauty and importance as the months and years that followed.
When Steve and I started out on this journey,
 we never imagined all that that was coming our way...We thought we'd have one, maybe even two little ones running around by now.  We didn't expect to go through 7 losses or search a website one January day for sperm donors.  We never imagined that a few years later, we'd celebrate Valentine's Day by calling a clinic across the country to charge more money than we ever have to our check card. We never imagined I would be carrying a baby who has half my genetic makeup and half a stranger's.

I'll say it a third time...
You just never truly know.

You never know what roads life will take you down or what challenges you'll face when it comes to reaching your dreams.  You never quite grasp in the heat of those intense moments, how pure chaos can and will turn into pure beauty.
I sit here today, on this new and blessed road, looking back on the past three years...
knowing that the road was always blessed.

We wouldn't have had it any other way.

We're here. 

And it's more beautiful than we ever imagined.

(Is it me, or are my boobs out almost as far as my belly?!  I think they're pregnant too! )

Twinkie, of course, had to make his appearance.

"Here" - Rascal Flatts

To everyone
 who is somewhere in the middle of that road - maybe unsure and scared, exhausted and hurting...
my thoughts and prayers are with you. 
It will all be worth it. <3

Happy Weekend.

Beautiful, Present and HERE Lovin',


M said...

What a beautiful, amazing, inspiring post! I had to cheat a little and scroll to the bottom first to see the belly pics...then went back to read. This gives me so much hope. So many times when I feel like all is lost, I go to blogs of people that have been where I'm pics of their success..and I realize I CAN do this. Your strength still continues to inspire me every day! I can't wait to see the gender post (you are finding out, right?)...and to watch your belly grow and grow! Hard to believe you're almost halfway there already. Lots of love and hugs <3

Miki said...

OMG, Maria! That baby bump is so big and beautiful! ;D I'm amazed with how much the baby has grown since your last post! :D

As always, I feel touched by your words. I don't want to compare myself to you because I know you guys have been through a lot. But I've been struggling with work (the lack of one, actually). Today I just had an interview, though, and it was for the best job I could ask for right now (at the library I volunteer). I think I did quite well, although I know they are seeing a lot of other candidates. But after reading this post, I was thinking, well, maybe I had to go through this not-so-pleasant path in order to get to where I am now and maybe (hopefully) having gone through all this hustle was a good thing. I'm not even sure what I'm saying makes any sense, haha, but today I feel stronger and more hopeful and I'm able to look back and kind of embrace both the good and the bad.

Anyhow, beautiful girl, I want to thank you for always writing things that are meaningful and filled with feelings. I'll keep praying for you and your baby and wish you guys all the best :D.

Have a wonderful weekend! ;D



Judy Haughton-James said...

Hi Maria,
This is a truly reflective post looking back at your experiences from all sides. I am happy that you can now feel a lot of happiness which you so truly deserve. October is also a month of deep reflection for me. I look back and see how far I have come and how so many persons have helped me. You have been such a wonderful friend and I regard it as a blessing that we met through blogging. I am happy that I have been able to support you with prayers, thoughts and comments. Keep the faith my friend and I wish you, Steve and Beano all that is good. Lots of Love and Friendship always.

LOVE MELISSA:) said...

Your strength is simply amazing. I know when I am having a bad day, I simply read your post and I get goose bumps. You are just amazing!! I couldn't be more happy for both of you! I can't wait to get that baby a beautiful gift! You look wonderful too! xoxo

Whitney@Keeping Up with the Cyperts said...

You are so amazing! First of all, you are an amazing writer! Have you ever thought of writing as a career? Second, you have amazing strength/wisdom. I'm so happy for you and your sweet husband, y'all both deserve the world! Your baby bump is getting bigger and so cute! I hope you and Steve have a great weekend together sweet girl!

Steve said...

:) I love u.

E and R said...

Love the reflection - it is always amazing to look back at where we have been and compare it to where we are now. You look amazing and I continue to just be so very happy for you guys!

Rachel said...

What a beautiful post! You are both so strong and I know those years must of been your hardest years. In a few short months that door will close and bright new one will open wide with that first cry and those big baby eyes looking up at both of you. I send you so much love and I am so happy you will get your rainbow, sticky baby! Big hugs from all of here in the Warren house hold

JP said...

You are such a gifted story teller. This is one of my favorite of your posts. Again, I am so happy for you and Steve.

Karmen Smith said...

Stumbled upon you on a blog hop..this story pulled at my heart strings..I recognize the song...the yearning for motherhood.I would love for you to read part of our story of our journey to parenthood..know you are NOT alone..and that I am praying a prayer for you tonight

Maria Briggs said...

Maria I came over to your blog today because this weekend marks 4mos since my MC. I wanted to be inspired and be given strength and you and your beautiful words accomplished that. I am so happy for you! I love you girl!

Mrs. E said...

Oh Maria, this is such a beautiful post! There are no words to describe how happy I am for you and Steve. You two are amazing, incredible, inspirational...Love you both!! XOXOXO

Fifi @ AboutBloggingTime! said...

:') Happy Tears!!!! You always write such moving words. You are such an inspiration - In the middle of my situation I know it will all be worth it!!

Beautiful baby bump!


Kim said...

Beautiful!! I cannot wait until the first time your little Beano says "Daddy" and "Mama", or grabs at your finger with their little hand, or is comforted by only your hugs. I know you will both have such a deep appreciation for every aspect of parenting, something that many of us, myself included, have to remind ourselves of along the way. You have fought so hard for your little miracle and now you have the rest of your lives to revel in that unconditional love.

I am so happy for you both :)

MrsV said...

My first thought when I saw your bump picture was "whoa her boobs look huge!" and then I immediately LOL when I saw your caption ;) :D

This is such a beautifully honest and personal post. Your journey has been amazing and I'm honored to have been able to follow along. You and Steve have been through so much and shown so much strength and unconditional love. Oh how I would love to be a fly on the wall when you get to hold this little baby for the first time <3

You are looking great I love seeing your bump pictures!

Ashley said...

I always love your honesty and emotions. It is amazing the trials and tribulations and all the heartache we have to go through sometimes to get to where we are now. In the midst of it it is hard to understand why but when we come out on the other side we can truly appreciate all the blessings we have. Brandon and I have gone through some time tough times too and that has made us all the stronger.

Love seeing the baby bump pics!

Have a great weekend Maria!

~Rian said...

Beautiful, beautiful post. What a journey you have been on. Reading your words made me tear up, chills run down my arms, and smile so big. I love your bump pictures. And whoa Mama, your boobs are huge!! lol. You are such a strong, beautiful person, Maria!

Much love.

Lanaya @ Raising Reagan said...

Hi Maria ~

What an amazing story! I found you via Crazy Mama's blog hop and I was so touched by your story.
You are truly a gifted writer and so incredibly inspiring!

Your baby bump is precious! Good luck to both you and your husband.


PS ~ Sorry if I show up as a no-reply commenter ~ I'm not on blogger.

Heather said...

Absolutely beautiful post, Maria. Tears. And I'm LOVING your bump!!!

Ladi Da said...

I found your blog on the blog hop. Thank you for sharing your story! I'm your newest follower.

Christina & Rebecca said...

Tears in my eyes as I read this..What an beautiful amazing inspiring..Thank you for sharing!!

Veralynn said...

Thank you for sharing your story- I know those feelings of heartache and loss, too. The journey to motherhood can be the hardest but most worthwhile struggle. I'm so happy for you and wish you a healthy and beautiful rest of your pregnancy!

(I'm your newest follower, by the way- can't wait to keep reading!)


Sarah said...

What a sweet, honest post. Thanks for sharing your story. And congratulations as you enter into motherhood!!

I'm a new follower from the blog hop. Nice to "meet" you! :)


Jess @ said...

Such a beautiful post Maria...even if only because I KNOW the very feelings, awe, desperations and hopes you speak of. It is incredible! From the other side of the DS journey: I am still in awe of our children.

Many, MANY hugs to you, to Steve, and that beautiful bump of your's!

Ashley at flats to flip flops said...

Love this post! And you are super cute with that preggo belly! Sending continued thoughts and prayers your way!

Leslie Gilmore said...

This is such an amazing post! It truly touched me! My husband and I have been having baby issues and this really hit home! Thank you so much for sharing your story!!

New follower from the GFC Hop!
Leslie @ Sincerely, Leslie

waitingforarainbow said...

This is such a bitter sweet post. I love how open and genuine you are. I can't believe how much you and Steve had to go through to get to where you are today. Isn't it so crazy to look back? Just makes you wonder about whats to come *next* October!
Your bump is growing fast! It seems like just yesterday, beano was just a beano! Soon that sweet babe will be snuggled up in your arms.
I know I've said it a lot, but I'm so thrilled for you guys!

Irish Carter of Dedicated 2 LIFE said...

God put a real LIVE ANGEL on this earth...her name is MARIA! So many times I read your words and leave speechless. There should be blogging emmy's...your mantle would be filled by now! OMG.....I should create an emmy show for bloggers...hahaha

Ooops...this isn't about me...its 100% YOU my lady...YOU ARE FABULOUS and STEVE IS TOO! I want to meet you one day. You are such an inspiration.

Maria....when you and Steve hold little Bean-o, I would love to write a "Passionate People" post on all 3 of you. I would be honored if you would allow me to share that with the world. YOUR FAMILY IS BEAUTIFUL!


Brittany said...

What a beautiful, inspirational, completely honest and heartfelt post. I always bust the Kleenex out when I visit your blog :)! You and Steve have been through SO much, more than most of us can even fathom, and yet you remain so positive and have no idea how many lives you touch through your actions and story. You are an AMAZING woman and are going to be an even more amazing Momma to Baby Beano!! He/she is ridiculously blessed to have you and Steve for parents. Thank you for always inspiring me make me want to be my very best, patient self. Lots of love to all three of you!!!!

Helene said...

What a beautiful post, thanks for sharing. New follower here- love the blog!
Do Dallas Cheap said...

Newest follower here! I found you through the link up. Super cute blog! I can't wait to read more.

Tish said...

New follower, and what a wonderful post. Going through infertility myself, I can relate to many of the emotions you speak about. Thank you for sharing!

Stephanie N. said...

What a beautiful journey! I love this post, Maria. It's hard sometimes, but sometimes SO GOOD to look back at all that we've been through and where we have come. You do it better than anyone!

I'm so happy for you! I love reading these posts of yours -- they just make my heart so happy! :)

Thinking of you and hoping your enjoying this October day! <3

Cami said...

I have chills reading your post. I am SO happy for you. You deserve this SO much. I am sooo thrilled, excited, happy, thankful for you. EEEK!!!
You are living such a gorgeous, beautiful life. Your trials have made you into the wonderful mom you are going to be.
Wishing you & Steve a beautiful end of your week <3

Rachel Marie said...

What a beautiful post, Maria!!!! Truly inspiring as I have always said about your story. I am honored to be a friend of yours, and am thankful everyday for finding your blog. I love the new look of the blog by the way :) It's super cutsie. And that baby belly uhm can we say adorable?! I love it!!!! Glad things are going so well for you and Steve. I absolutely loved the part where you talked about how you fought and fought but once you were open with each other and trusting your relationship was a million times better!!! It's amazing what opening up and trusting your other half can do for your relationship. Love you girl. Hugs :) totally_rachel

Angela said...

Thank you for writing this post. what an honest reflection. I got the chills reading about the struggles of you and Steve. I have been there in my marriage. there is something so incredibley powerful when you get to the point of wanting to give up......and then like slamming into a brick wall you realize that person is the one thing in life you could never bare to lose. you and Steve have made it through this, and that is something to be PROUD of. what a lucky baby you have, to ne brought into a home with such solid love.
Maria, you are an extremely talented writer. this post could be in a magazine inspiring thousands of women and their men. you rock mama <3
Oh and btw, the boobs are looking niiiice!! Lol. one of the "perks" of pregnancy. enjoy!!! Hehe

Jessica @ TheCrazyChaoticHouse said...

I am so glad I found your little blog way back when in the beginning. Your journey to this point is so amazing. you and steve are so strong and very inspirational, I am sure your story will help others just like you two. And... OMG...look at that belly! Growing and growing!

Kerry said...

What a beautiful post Maria!! I loved reading this, it was so personal and pure and open. Thanks for sharing your heart and journey with us...I am glad you guys are on the road you are now, you have SO much ahead of you both right now, so much happiness and joy and love like you have never imagined!!!! Yay!!!! So excited...I am already looking at baby gifts ;)

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