What Hurts The Most

"What Hurts The Most" - Rascal Flatts

 
I'm going to apologize now...

  I'm in the middle of an ugly cry. The hyperventilating kind.

Part of me didn't want to even try and write this. 

The other part of me knows I need to.  And now is the time.  Because it's the only way I'm going to start to feel better.

I also apologize for not just getting to the point.

It's not easy to.  It's been exhausting.

The past few days have been a challenge.  The hurt didn't truly begin until last night, when I allowed myself to think about it all.  Perhaps, a little too much.

Okay, I already had to take a break and look at a picture that always makes me happy, to help calm the tears.

Here is one of my favorites...

I wouldn't mind if about 300 of him started pedalling their way into the living room right now.

***

Okay,

Please excuse the scatterbrained way I try and tell Thursday's story.  The sad song. The lengthyness of it all.  (I'm warning you...it's gonna be a doozy.)

And how dramatic I sound...(I know it could be worse.)

I woke up Thursday excited for our appointment.  I was calm. I was collected.  I was on a mission.

Steve and I met at our doctor's office and walked in the door hand in hand with smirks on our faces.  We were happy.  A mix of nervous and anxious.  But more than anything,

 we felt unstoppable. Powerful. Strong. Ready as we'd ever be.

The nurses greeted us with their big and familiar smiles.  I could sense right off the bat that a few were surprised to see us.  I noticed one nurse's eyes go straight for my stomach, probably scoping me out for any signs of a baby bump.  They quickly caught on to what the agenda was and were so welcoming and eager to share in our news. 

Our nurse led us into the room for blood work and made chit chat until they were ready for my internal ultrasound. I imagined, originally, that I would have so many feelings come over me as I lay, looking at that screen back in those rooms.
  But, the only thing I felt - was pure joy.  I couldn't stop smiling.  I was just so happy to be there.

The lights went out and the search was on for how many follicles were almost ready.
 I had one egg.  And though we thought I might have more, with taking clomid and our past experiences, I was more than satisfied with that.  One egg is all it takes.  And they made sure to remind us (especially Steve) that.

I got dressed in .4 seconds and we waited to talk to our doctor's head nurse.  (Our doctor was in a conference.)  We've known her since our very first appointment.  She's down to earth and so easy to talk to.  So, it helped take away the bit of discouragement we had when we found out our doctor wasn't available.  She held my very hefty folder, with the day's photos and stats attached and started giddily rattling off tons of information.

Like,

- "Your egg is measuring 18mm and you will be ready for your IUI Saturday morning."

- "Dr. O will be back tomorrow. Yay, for him being back in time."

- "It's great you brought your trigger shot, because I can mix it and just give it to you if you like. You're ready for it today."

- "You may feel the hcg in the trigger will mimic pregnancy symptoms. Be prepared for the possibility of cramps, sore boobs, hot flashes...It will take up to ten days to leave your system."

- "The only way we will call you later, is if your blood work shows that we should schedule your appointment earlier."

I sat and hung on to her every word.  I was shaking my head and looking her straight in the eye.  Comprehending it all, but also hearing tiny, cheerful voices say, "Maria!! Yay! This is it! You made it!"

 I laughed when she gestured with her hand patting her tush, that I might be sore after the shot.

And then I asked,"I'm guessing this is going in my ass?!" as Steve shook his head, laughing, cupping his face in his hands.

I proudly exposed my right cheek and was laughing out loud the whole time.  I didn't feel a thing.

We scheduled our IUI at the front desk for bright n' early on St. Patrick's Day. I thought, "Oh, a lucky day!" as I walked out, literally skipping through the hallway. Steve and I kissed and hugged tightly in the parking lot, pausing to smile at one another.  It felt fairy tale like.  Certainly not your typical one.  You know, I'm the princess.  Steve is my prince.  We order another prince's goods to help us out.  I go to my castle where I get pricked in my arm and ass with a giant needle.  Have a date with Mr.internal ultrasound-wand ma jiggy...

But nonetheless, it was a sweet, well awaited fairy tale in our eyes.  I felt on top of the world as I drove off. 

I gave so much thanks, prayed, cried happy tears, and sang out loud to the songs on the radio.

When I arrived home, I called, texted and emailed a few friends with my news.

And then, I sunk into another bubble bath to just soak it all up. (no pun intended)

Hours had passed, and I was in the middle of a very happy, detailed, aggresive text session with my dear friend, Julia.  I shared my good news and all my emotions. I was so giddy.  And then, a few minutes later, a phone call came through.  It was the doctor's office.  I immediately thought, "Oh, my appointment must just need to be moved."

The nurse's tone of voice was too familiar.  I could tell instantly something was wrong.

But I had no idea what she was about to say. Or what it could possibly be.

Just thinking about that moment just made my stomach turn.

I remember concentrating on an empty cherry Now and Later candy wrapper Steve had left on the bedstand.  If it was possible, the rage and fear inside of me would have been enough to set it into flames.

My heart was pounding, as she softly said, "Maria, I don't have good news, hunny.  We got your blood work results back" (the ones I had taken before my hcg trigger shot).  She then, even softer, asked what my last period was like.  If it was different than usual or off schedule.  And my mind was zapped back to my last period.  The one I got in Utah, that I complained to my friend, Aleisha, about as I showed her how oddly bloated my stomach was. It was off by 3 days, but early.  It started without its normal warning and was (not to make you gag) but syrupy and thicker.  I thought nothing of it, as I had flown and been on vacation, and I know how those things can sometimes mess with it.  I gave her the details, and told her when it happened, as she had already heard about our vacations during our appointment.

I had a lump the size of Texas in my throat that made it hard to speak at that point.

She told me my blood work showed hcg (the pregnancy hormone) in my system and that my progesterone was higher than it should be for where I was at in my cycle.

 And then she sadly said, "It appears you had a miscarriage, I'm so sorry. We are going to have to cancel your IUI and bring you in next week to monitor and check your levels."

And,

I lost it.

In the words of me at that very moment, and the few friends I mustered up the strength to tell...

"WAIT, WHAT?!"

"Are you sure?...I don't get it?...I can't believe this?...I'm so sorry, I'm hysterical...I'm in shock!!

And now, wait, I have this worthless, expensive trigger shot running hormones through my system that I don't need?!"

The nurse kept apologizing.  Telling me her and the other nurse we were with earlier could not believe it when they checked the results.  Said they were in complete shock and have never seen this happen in our type of situation. And told me, I could call anytime if I needed to vent or ask questions.

Let me tell you, you don't know what to say in that kind of situation.

After I hung up, I gave Steve a "warning text" that I was about to call him with crazy news.

And then, he got an earful that probably sounded something like this...

"STEVE, AHSLDFHWOEHOWEFHSLDKFLAKLSKDFSKJLAHWHEIORWHHHEHWLRKKKKWERH."

I didn't make an ounce of sense for a good minute.

My mind was racing, thinking back to our past rendezvous the cycle prior.

 Let me be completely honest and very blunt here...(break you in for future posts.)

We didn't use condoms.  Not once. We haven't ever really, in the past few years.  But, he never finished inside of me.  Except, possibly (because we truly can't recall), in the heat of the moment when...

Get this...

When we went to celebrate with an overnight getaway in Atlantic City, because we had just purchased our donor.  Yep.  Uh huh. Are you KIDDING?!?

Remember...THIS post...

Right after this photo was taken, I went to take a bath and was emailing very late with a friend.  I even joked with her that I could barely keep my hands off the naked/Dorito eating man in our hotel bed. (Notice Steve in background. And, sorry people, he is covered.)

Well, in the wee morning hours, we rang in Valentine's Day and the excitement of our new chapter beginning.  And, the rest is history.  I guess?!

I still don't know what we're more in shock and sad at...

The fact that we got pregnant with all we had been through in the past year(s)...

by a little bit of "Ooopsie sperm."  Sperm that had trouble getting me pregnant after our fifth loss.  Sperm that, no offense babe, was not compatible with me and doesn't have the best track record...sperm that wasn't that close to ovulation...

The fact that I didn't think A THING of it, when my last period was off and I felt so bloated...

The fact that I had another loss.

The fact that our IUI was cancelled.

And the list goes on...

I quickly got off the phone with Steve to relieve him from the nightmare that was me, and made another phone call to Julia. A girl who deserves a medal for what she endured for the next few hours. Yes, hours.  How quickly my news had changed.  I cried so hard.  I barely made sense for the first hour.  I cursed. I apologized for cursing like a potty mouthed trucker.  I begged for an answer on how this could happen.  The timing...the everything?  I boo hoo'ed about how happy I was our sex life was finally about just enjoying it and not anything else.  And I let it all out. 

She saw heard me at my worst, but I wouldn't change it for a thing.

Though, she might. ;)

Steve must have texted me, "SHOCK, complete and utter shock!" about 5times in a row.

He came home to me pantless, (Don't ask...I tend to take clothes off when I'm mad) in a long sleeve shirt and socks, mascara stained and whimpering in the bathroom.  So, he did the logical thing, and dropped his pants and boxers, and walked by me in his work shirt and knee socks.  I instantly bursted into laughter and we hugged, as I stained his shirt with black tears.

The weekend was full of love, and I'm so grateful for the people who made it that way.

Days have passed, and I can't say tonight was any easier.  In fact, before I started writing, I was a complete and utter mess.  I was irrational. I kept questioning still, how could I have been pregnant?! How??! The timing? The bad luck?! A sixth loss!...One that we didn't even know could exist?  One that makes us feel so plain odd/weird/numb in a sense...

I kept questioning and wondering...

Was I not pregnant, and instead, is there something wrong with me?

Why would my period come early rather than late?  How did I not know?

What if there is something they're missing and it's an even bigger problem?

I hate questioning.  I despise the doubt.  I'm sad at the seesaw ride me and my emotions were taken on.

The super high to the insanely low.

I feel defeated.

And dammit, I felt like we had just climbed huge mountains early Thursday morning, only to be thrown right down them, crashing without notice.

 I'm angry right now, and I need to be.  I want to punch something so hard.  I want to have this one last cry and get it all out of my system.  I want to continue to pray a little bit more tonight.

Not for answers.  But for what I've always prayed for in this journey.

STRENGTH.

And I must say,

 a few not so mature and pretty, but very meaningful words...

the same words that I cried gratefully to my friend on Thursday...

Thank you.  I really don't regret a single ounce of any of this.  I truly don't. 

There's a reason for it all, even if we never find out why.

And part of the sweet reason is surely you (you all know who you are.)

This journey can be a piece of shit sometimes.

But at the end of the day...

what a beautiful piece of shit it is.

Thank you for making it even more beautiful.

Thank you for listening. 

If you've made it to the end of the this never-ending post,

I owe you one of those adorable, white, fluffy, tricycle-riding pups from above.

Email me your address, and I'll have one sent to you by the weekend.

I'm hurting.  But not as much as I was before I started typing.

And that's something to be thankful for.

It's just that...

"What hurts the most, was being so close."

So, so, close...

to truly taking on this new chapter.

We have an appointment on Thursday morning.  I know there will almost positively be hcg in my system from the trigger.  But, my doctor will be there.  And there's some light at the end of this.  Hopefully, lots of it. I might be back before.  I might be after.

Thank you for your time and patience with this crazy girl.

Big Hugs!
I'm so glad I got that out.

It will all be worth it Lovin',