Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Ghost In This House

"Ghost In This House" - Alison Krauss
It's hard to believe it's Wednesday.  Because my mind...
It's still with Monday.

It's still with this image.

The screen didn't lie.  And as much as the nurse tried her best to find an explanation,
I knew in my gut something wasn't right. 
That same black circle was staring back at me with what I knew was the yolk sac, but no baby.  And no blinking heartbeat.
I laid there stiff, my eyes looking blankly up at Steve, switching to watch the nurse bite her lip as she kept searching.  She told us she found the yolk sac but was finding it hard to see the baby no matter how much she magnified the screen. There was no sign of a heartbeat. 
I felt numb and lifeless as she printed out the photos, handed me two of them and told me we could wait to talk to our doctor.

The door shut.  I got dressed - my eyes locked with Steve's the entire time.  All I could say was, "This isn't good."  I sat, limp and dizzy in the back waiting area hoping for my name to be called.  And when it was,
we left the room to see our doctor's back turned to us as he walked towards his office.  Any other time, he'd walk beside us, smiling while making small talk.  We took our seats, mine always to the left.  Steve's to the right.
We watched as our doctor starting plugging numbers into his calculator and phone. 
He still hadn't made eye contact.  And I still didn't know if I was having a bad dream. This couldn't be happening.
He looked up.  His eyes met with mine, and I swear it looked as if he'd seen a ghost.

I braced myself for what he was about to say, and then he said it softly with such anger and sadness...

"I don't know how many times you need to get punched in the chin."
"Why do you kids have to have such F'in shitty luck?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat, granting the tears to slide down my face freely as I pointed to the tissue box that sat to the right of Steve.  Wiping them as they came, still not taking my eyes away from our doctor, I asked "Am I going to miscarry?"

He looked down at my folder as thick as an encyclopedia, flipping between a few pages.
And said "It doesn't look promising.  I can't give you much wiggle room with how far along you are, because we know exactly when we performed the IUI and when you ovulated."
He told us it was all in God's hands.  That he'd like to bring us back in on Friday for another ultrasound.  And that the bloodwork they had taken would prove a lot once it came in later that afternoon. 

He told us with where my levels were, they should have seen the baby clearer and a heartbeat.
He prepared us for what was to possibly come.  Making it even more evident to me that he didn't foresee this ending up well.  I kept whispering "Thank you for being honest with me."  And asked him if it would happen on its own.  He said with my levels being so high, most likely he will have to give me a pill that will dilate my cervix, inducing the miscarriage.
Just writing that makes me sob.

He told us he'd be hoping for a miracle and to wait for the call with my numbers.
I walked out the room, straight into the bathroom.  I clenched the sink, taking deep breaths, looking at myself in the mirror repeating "Maria, breathe, just make it out to the car."  Someone knocked on the door and I opened it, looking down and bolting through the main waiting room and hallway.  My head was down, as black tears streamed down my neck and bright yellow shirt.  Before reaching the door to the parking lot, I had to excuse myself between a family with their baby waiting for the elevator.  There on the floor, was a tiny, new baby with jet black hair staring right up at me.  I wanted to grab the handle of his carseat and make a mad dash out the door and run far away with him.

I climbed into the SUV with Steve and lost it.  With uncontrollable tears and heaping sobs...I kept screaming "No, No, this isn't happening!  This can't be."  As I held onto Steve's arm, face, hands.
He sat with that same face as our doctor - as if he saw a ghost.

I cried, praying out loud, begging and screaming to God,

Please God, Please, I know I always say  I want more than one child, but I promise I won't ever ask for another.  Just give me one healthy baby and I'll be forever grateful. I'll never ask for more. Please, all I want is to be a mother.  I need to be a mother.   All I've ever wanted is to be a wife and mother.  I know it's what I'm meant to be.  I'm not mad at you.  Just please, give me the strength to keep going.

Steve sat teary-eyed, repeating "I just don't get it...Why?" as I sat watching the cars go by, making eye contact with a few people - not even caring that they saw me in the rage I was in.
And then Steve had to get back to work.  He offered to drive me home, but I just needed to sit and attempt to process it all.  Our appoinment ended somewhere around 11 and yet, I didn't leave the parking lot until sometime after 1.

I called a few friends.  Them, just as shocked as me.  And gained enough composure to drive myself home.  It was a long afternoon waiting for that call that never came.  The nurse hadn't called with our numbers, so Steve got a hold of them.
It wasn't good.  My hcg needing to be somewhere in the range of 15,000 - 20,000...
was 3,926.

I sobbed more.  And then got to the point where I was all cried out.
My friends helped me keep the last ounce of sanity that was trying to escape.

The past 2 days have been a blur.  I feel like I'm floating sometimes.  I've paced the floors of this house a million times since Monday.  I woke up yesterday and today, drenched in sweat, wanting so badly to be able to just fall back asleep.  But it's not that easy.  I've gone to eat something and either devoured it in seconds or felt like I would throw it up.  I've cried everytime I see myself naked, still seeing the same belly, the same swollen chest - the same body that is still pregnant, and feels pregnant, but not for long.
I've placed my hands on my stomach and rocked myself until I had no strength left.
I've ached in such emotional pain.

I've prayed.  I've prayed so damn hard.
Because I have to get through this.  I have to conserve some energy for what's to come.
I have to get to Friday's appointment and get through that sad ultrasound.  I have to pray for some peace.  This will be miscarriage #7, baby #8.  And never have I ever felt more like I was going to be a mother.  I hang onto the hope that this pregnancy was different (in a good way) with the donor.  I hang onto the hope that it was just shitty luck.  I hang onto the hope because that's all that's left.
I love this baby no matter what.  And for the first time, in a very long time, I truly embraced the beauty that I carried inside of me.  And that - I will never regret and only cherish.

But, I still have to lose this baby.  And that's what breaks my heart the most.

I think back to THIS day.  And I cling to that feeling - one I hope I get to feel again someday.
One that I pray lasts.
I need to cling to this day and the beauty of it...I need to cling to the message of it.
But not today, and maybe not for weeks.
I promise, I will keep the faith.  I won't ever lose hope.
I need to grieve and prepare for what's to come.
I need to feel this.

"I'm all that's left of two hearts on fire
That once burned out of control
You took my body and soul
I'm just a ghost in this house."

"I'm living proof of the damage heartbreak does."

Thank you for your thoughts, your prayers, your love...always.

Heartbroken Lovin',


E and R said...

Oh honey, I am so sorry. There are no words I can say/write that will bring you comfort. I have been in your shoes (though not as many times) and I know how damn hard it is. My heart is breaking for you. You and Steve are in my prayers. (((Hugs)))

M said...

OMG, no :( I hate that this is happening to you again. I know nothing I can say will make it better, just know that, although we don't really know each other, I am here for you. If you need to talk, feel free to message me.

I'm so sorry Maria...I'll be sending lots of prayers your way. Take care of yourself <3

Maria said...

Maria- You know how my heart is breaking for you. Tons of prayers are still washing over you right now.

Kiara Buechler said...

NOOOOO! Why God, why? I am so sorry this is happening. This is just so unfair. It really is shitty luck this time, with the donor. Ugh, this is so unfair. I am so sorry Maria. I will be thinking of, and praying for you daily.

Heather @ A Little Hope in My Pocket said...

S***. S***. S***. Sorry for the swearing but that is the only thing I am thinking. I hate that this is happening to you again. I am so, so sorry Maria. Lifting you and Steve up in prayer.

Melissa said...

I am so heartbroken for you and Steve. I pray for strength for you both.

Ted and Maria said...

Oh God is my heart ever breaking for you guys. I have to say I love your doctor for that very raw and honest response. This whole community wants this so badly for you, and we will always be here waiting for your next beautiful thoughts. I don't even know how you typed this are truly an amazing woman.

Rebecca said...

Oh no, I'm so sorry. This is so not fair. I can't believe this is happening to you. I like your attitude...getting through this and preparing for what's next. I've lost 3 babies, so I get how the pain with each MC gets more difficult. I will pray for you and Steve to get through this and to have the strength to keep going. Life is so unfair and I hate to see you go through this. just remember the wonderful support system you have here, and don't forget about the rainbows!

Katharine said...

Oh Maria, I'm so so sorry. I wish I had the right words. I hope you can feel the outpouring of love and prayers we're sending your way. ((((BIG HUGS))))

Fifi @ AboutBloggingTime! said...

I am so sorry to read this. My heart is hurting for you and Steve. Praying for continued strength. I don't know the pain you're going through with the loss, but I do know the pain of wanting a child. I also keep the faith, I know one day it will happen. Sending you hugs.

Judy Haughton-James said...

Hello Maria,
I am so sorry to read what is happening again. I am here wishing for a miracle as you deserve so much happiness. At times we just can't understand why things like this keep happening. I am saying a lot of prayers for you. I just know that somehow something is going to work out for you. I am going to try and send you an email although I am having internet problems. Sending you lots of love, prayers and best wishes.

Steve Marino said...

Hunny, like I texted you..."I HATE that you had to write this post!" But I love it.

I will not forget the blank stare, watching time and life go by us as the bubble around us burst. The lack of emotions on my part is no way reflective of how I feel inside, it is just pure disbelief on how to express all the emotions I am feeling personally, for my wife and our family.

I cannot explain the hurt I have for you other than I know the pain of "hurting" other with our bad news. No matter how many times we experience the grief and become subject matter experts, each and every pass hurts a little more than the last, and this run of "bad luck" is bound to end. And I wish we could fast forward to then but we cannot.

I will part with these words...

I will never give up loving you and trying to give us everything we want. Trust and believe in me and I will do everything I can to pull us through this.

I love you hunny :*(

mag said...

I am just devastated Maria. Absolutely heartbroken, furious, I want to throw things and scream at God. I simply do not understand how you both are going through this again. I am so, so incredibly sorry this has happened. If I were there, I would give you the biggest hug and cry with you and do anything I could to comfort you. This is so unfair honey. I am praying for you both and hope these next few hours-days-weeks can pass without more hurt than you've already gone through in the last 48 hours. *HUG* I love you girl. I'm here if you need me. Colorado is the perfect getaway place, and you always have a room at our place if you need it. *HUG* *HUG* *HUG*

LOVE MELISSA:) said...

Oh Maria! I don't understand either and I can just cry with you. No one deserves it more than you and Steve. The best we can all do is hope and pray, and I will continue to do that! Please call me anytime Hun if youbwant to talk. Xoxo

waitingforarainbow said...

I kept trying to commment on your Mothers Day post, but knowing what had happened, just couldn't find the words to say. I'd type, backspace, type backspace, until finally I just gave up in tears.
So let me just say that you looked beautiful on Mothers Day, and you are still very much a Mommy. (Let me also say that you have a BANGIN body! I don't know how you eat all that delicious food out so much, and still look like a barbie doll) lol :)
Anyway, the one thing that you have to remember, is that for 6w4d, that baby was all yours. Nobody can take that away from you. Even now, that baby will always be all yours.

^What Steve said is beautiful... the very last paragraph gave me goosebumps. You're both such a strong, incredible couple. You will both remain in my heart and prayers, as always.

Well Momma, I hope it only gets better from here. And oh, how I hope this was just really really bad luck.
My heart weighs heavy with you this week.
Thinking of you
xoxo Heather

Lindsey said...

As I said, I'm so so so very sorry. I am in tears for you and with you both. I wish to everything there was more I could do and say. I'm so very sorry and I'm praying hard. It's so not fair and its very hard not to be angry at God...furious even. I'm also here for whatever you may need. Please call, text whatever!!
And don't apologize for needing to grieve. It's something you need and have to do for you. Thinking about you </3

Mrs. JRose said...

Maria, words are so inadequate at times like this, but my heart is with you and Steve. It's so hard to understand. Prayers are going up for both of you and I won't stop praying as I know these next few days are going to be horrible and so painful and I will continue to pray for your arms and heart to be filled. Much much love to you.

Gumdrop Pass said...

Gosh, my heart just completely breaks reading this, Maria. And I know that I don't have the right words to say, because what really can you say?
Please know that you are in my prayers. I pray for strength for you. I pray for answers for you. I pray for the baby that you ARE going to have someday for you.
Again, I am so very sorry to hear this. I can't imagine how you even found the strength to write this post. You are amazing, and I know that this won't break you.
Thinking about and praying for you. Please let me know if I can do anything for you!!!!! <3

~Rian said...

I am so very sorry that you are having to experience this once again. My heart breaks for you. I will have you and Steve in my prayers. It seems to me that he is a great support for you and I am so glad that you have him in your life to help you through this time. Thinking of you!
xo said...

No, no, no!!! My heart is completely broken for you right now. Life is so unfair sometimes. I can't believe it. Love and prayers. Hang in there. :(

Kathy Radigan said...

Maria, my heart is breaking for you and I find myself furious at God. Please know that you and Steve are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you so much love. I'm so sorry. I love you.

Jenny said...

Oh Maria, my heart is breaking for you as tears stream down my face. I am in shock as well, your numbers were so great I thought for sure this was going to be your miracle baby. I'm so, so sorry it's not. I wish I could be there to give you a big hug and shoulder to cry on. ;(

Nicole said...

Maria, I'm so incredibly sorry that you are having to go through this again. There truly are no words to express how sad and upset I am for you but please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you always.

Moosey Mommy said...

I am so incredibly sorry. It's not fair and I cannot imagine the pain. There are no words that can help. I will be praying for you and Steve. :(

Bernadette & Duane said...

Oh god, Maria. I don't know what to write. I am feeling your pain, tears streaming down my face. I know your pain and I do not understand why you have been forced to endure it once again. I do know, however, that there are babies out there waiting for you. They are very very special babies who will be so cherished and loved and appreciated for all that it took to find them. Huge hugs to you as you recover. You are a strong courageous brave woman and I know you will get there. xoxooxxo

Mrs. E said...

I'm so, so sorry. My heart is breaking again just reading these words...I wish there was something I could do to bring you comfort or at least shoulder some of the pain. I love you and you are always in my thoughts.

Ashley said...

I know that there is nothing that I can say that can take away your pain. I can tell you that I have been praying so hard for you and I will pray even harder now. I am so incredibly sorry for this to be happening again. You don't deserve this and it makes me angry for you. I wish I could be there to give you a hug in person but please know that I am sending you a big virtual hug right now!


Olivia- wife. mother. photographer. said...

I am so so so sorry :(

I wish I had the perfect words to comfort for you, but I know better... hang in there.


jenicini said...

<3 and hugs. I'm so sorry.

Carlia said...

it's just not fair. my heart is breaking for you. i wish could take the pain away, bear the burden for you. i wish I could fast-forward time to the day when you hold your child in your arms for the first time. it will happen for you, though! i am so sorry it isn't going to be this time, but it WILL happen. you are one of the strongest women i know, one of the strongest women i can imagine. you're going to get through this and you're going to have the family you've always dreamed of. my heart goes out to you. you and steve are in my thoughts and prayers. said...

Except to say I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.
I wish there was something that could be done to remove you from this nightmare,because I know that's what it feels like it is.
Hugs to both of you.
I won't stop the prayers.

KERRY said...

Oh Maria & Steve...I am so sorry to read this, even more sorry that you had to type it and tell us. You guys will catch a break soon, you just have to. All good things come to those who wait. Right? Even though you deserve this now, right now. I wish this hadn't happened, I wish you didn't have to go through this. It isn't fair.
I am thinking of you my sweet friends, one day, you will have your wish xo

Our Journey Through This Lovely Life said...

Maria, my stomach dropped when I saw the title of your post then as I read I cried and cried, I called my mom and we cried together. You truly have a place in our hearts and hearing this awful news makes my heart break in half. It just makes me so damned mad! Its not fair! I wish I could give you the biggest hug in the world and cry with you. I love your spirit you are an amazing person, I will be praying every second of every day for you and Steve. Lots and lots of love and hugs

Cami said...

OH Maria.
I wish there was something I could do or say for you. My heart is breaking for you.
I love you and am here for you - just an email away if you need me.
I will be praying.
There must be an answer to this.
I wish I could give you a hug and sit there and cry with you - because that is exactly what I want to do now.
I will keep praying that one day - hopefully one day soon, you will have what your heart desires for. I won't stop praying
I am here for you.

lovejoy_31 said...

I am writing this after reading your post with tears streaming. I am so very, very sorry! I know that people say that God won't give you more than you can handle (and trust me I have heard this a LOT in the past year or more), but I am right there with you asking Him to have less faith in me. Nothing anyone can say will make this better for you.

So just know that I am here. I am an email away, a phone call away or a chat away. I'm sending up HUGE prayers for you and Steve. My heart is breaking. I was so hoping that this was your shot, but I will be here every step of the way on this journey

MEL said...

My heart is breaking for you...I am so sorry to come on here and read these words. So sorry...

Here's a poem I wrote when my grandfather died - I gave it to my grandmother when we was so frail with grief, it looked like she might break into. I give you these words now, though I know they won't ease the pain.




You will see your babies again one day and I hope that knowing that they are growing under God's love and adoration helps you get through these hard days to come. Just sit in God's lap and let Him comfort you.

You will be a mother. I know it in my heart. You ARE a mother...your angels just live with God in heaven right now. But you will be able to raise a child and hold that child in your arms...God will answer your prayers. Keep the faith. God Bless You! Sending up lots of prayers today!!!!

Ericka said...

Hugs...big, big, 6'3" hugs for you. My heart is heavy and my thoughts are with you right now.

~Jess said...

F&%@! Oh heart is just breaking for you guys. I am so, SO, SO incredibly heartbroken for you and Steve. Praying desperate prayers for you.

Ashley at flats to flip flops said...

Oh Maria! Tears are streaming down my face as I read this. It's so close to home. Sending virtual hugs your way. Know we are all behind you..lifting you up. I wish there was more I could do. Keep fighting girl!

Kari said... heart aches for you. I'm so so so sorry. I wish I had something to say to you that was profound and something that could make your pain and hurt go away...but the only thing I can think to say to you is how sorry I am. I KNOW you and Steve are going to have beautiful babies. I know this in my heart. I know we have never really met before, but I truly feel a friendship with you and I wish I could drive over to your house right now and just sit with you.

I'm so sorry. I'm always here if you need to talk.

Sending you lots of prayers, hugs, and love. <3

Jenn and Casey said...

My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry.

Natasha said...

As one who has faced the blood and broken dreams, I hurt with you.

May you feel the arms of a God who knows pain.

Irish Carter of Dedicated 2 LIFE said...


I'm so sorry for you and Steve both. Like so many have said, there just is not "right words" to say at a time like this. I just hope that you lean on those that are there for you now and in the future. I wish I could give you a gigantic hug and sit down and sob with you. I wish LIFE didn't feel so complicated and painful and I have been thinking so much of you and your desires lately. My heart hurts for you both. Hugs.


waitingforarainbow said...

Thank you for your sweet comment, Maria. I am glad that I was able to make you and Steve 'pop' through this very difficult week.
I was on baby center tonight, because guess what?! I am being a vampire! Anyway, there is a lady in the July group who is having twins after 7 miscarriages, and no children. She has been through SO much just like you, and FINALLY got her rainbows after many, many storms. I just thought sharing that with you would give you some hope.
Women like you and her are such an inspiration.
I hope tomorrow goes well for you. You deserve some sort of good news out of this whole ordeal.
Thinking of you

Mrs. JRose said...

I'm thinking of you and Steve as you face tomorrow and what it will bring. You can rest assured as I go about my day I will be sending up fervent prayer for you both that God will hold you in His arms and you will have the strength you need. I know comfort is hard to find, but find comfort that we all love you and people that you don't even know are sharing your heartbreak and praying you get through this and soon your arms will be filled with the Lil Miracle. I wish Cali wasn't so far away-I'd bring you comfort food and hugs! Much much love!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry, Maria. As much as it hurt reading your words, I cannot imagine how much it hurt to write them. Thinking of you and Steve and praying , wishing, and hoping for your happy ending.

Camille said...

I cry with you. I am feeling your sadness with you.

I am here for you.

If you need to e-mail me, call..anything.




MrsV said...

Maria I am soo sorry... I can't believe this has happened to you guys again.
I'm at a loss for words. As soon as I saw the title of this post my eyes filled with tears.
I hope you are doing ok, I'll be thinking of you as always <3

ps thank you for your sweet comments <3

Anonymous said...

Praying you find peace and embrace God's plan for your future.

Kristina said...

Oh Sweet Maria!! My heart is just sick reading this!! I'm so sorry!!! And I hate that you're going through this again...
I'm praying for you.

Vanessa Scott said...

I am so, so very sorry. My heart just aches for you even though I have never met you. Your words are very moving and you are stronger than I ever could be right now. Your doctor sounds amazing. I hope that whatever the next steps you decide to take, that you find peace.


Jen (buckeyebaby814) said...

I am so sorry for your most recent loss :( Big ::HUGS:: to you as well as many prayers.

Rachel said...

Oh NO!!! D@?!* it!!! I am so sorry you both are having this happened again! I am so sorry I didn't see this sooner. I was so hopeful this was the one for you that my heart just sunk reading this. I know nothing I can say will make it better but I am so very sorry for your loss. I am sending a big hug your way and a virtual shoulder for you to cry on. >-HUGS-< said...

I just wanted to say I am thinking of you and hope you are doing ok (as ok as you can be in this kind of situation). BIG Hugs!!!

Karen Fieri said...

Maria, my prayers are with you for strength. I wish there were word that would give you complete comfort and make all the pain go away. It isn't fair, and you won't understand why this has to happen until later. You have every right to hurt and be angry... keep the hope. That hope that you keep so close to your heart is what will get you through these trying times. You are a beautiful person and I wish you blessings upon blessings.

Lauren said...

Dear sweet Maria.....I cried tears reading this. Giant tears. I don't understand life sometimes. I can't imagine how it must have felt. They say God only gives us what we can handle? If this is true, you are truly a strong, brave woman. I'm sure that you are ready for some relief. I pray that God has some sort of plan for you. You will be in my prayers every night.....

love lauren

Virginia said...

Maria, I've not checked into your blogs in weeks but I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I'm choked up, sobbing, and feeling very, very emotional after reading your post. I can't tell you that I know what you're feeling, no one can, but I can tell you that I do know what this pain feels like.

I miscarried my first on Monday, May 16th as well. I was five and a half weeks along and I can tell you that I've never lost a family member or a friend, and this was the hardest thing I ever found myself in the midst of. I found peace in knowing that God knows what is best for me and He is in control of every second of my life. I can imagine you've come to this point more than once along the way as well. I'll be praying for you. I am so sorry. At 31 years old this was the start of something I'd been waiting for for nearly 5 years of never conceiving. But God had other plans for me and my baby and He has other plans for you and yours as well. There are so many beautiful children smiling down at you from up above. You're going to have your arms full of angels when you finally get to meet them all some day.

Much love,

Rachel Marie said...


I have been holding off on this for much to long, because really words are not enough at times like this. I have been praying deeply for you and your family. My heart is breaking as I am typing this. I wanted to give you a little time to heal, but I am sure these wonderful comments have helped you to do so, even if only a little bit. We can't take your pain away, but we are all here to support you and to lift you up in your darkest times. So just know, that even though we don't live in the same state, and we haven't meant in person I am here for you. I will continue to pray for you and be here for you.

Camille Griffiths said...

Oh I'm so sorry... I know nothing can make it better but just know you're not alone... I've had 3 miscarriages, the last one was a blighted ovum / empty egg sac. Just don't give up, it will be worth it in the end!!

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