On The Outside Looking In

 

 

 

"On The Outside Looking In"  Dan Tyminski w/Alison Krauss and Union Station

This past week has flown by. It has made even more clear, the fact that many things with me are "all or nothing"...
It has made me realize to be careful what I wish for at times.
I wished for this two week wait to fly by and it has been. I wished to keep busy. I definitely have been. But there's a difference between busy and biting off more than you can chew. I've always been big on that BIG bite...tackling it...making it work. But sometimes, I have to slow it down even when I have a lot going on. This past month I haven't been doing much grieving and where I'm happy that I've felt in good spirits many more days than not...happy to get a little break from feeling like almost every day has something reminding me of our fertility issues....
A friend made me realize last night that I'm still grieving. And it's going to pop up here and there...
And maybe, I now understand that I can't just forget all together for days and weeks and then come back to it...I have to work on it, if even a little each day.

I feel like lately days are either really amazing or really piles of stinky poo. And I know that's life...but I feel that it's more of a head trip when it goes from great to bad really fast.

I wasn't feeling sad at all when I woke up yesterday. I was happy after a very busy week to spend the day with my friend, Kim...help her do some shopping and go to lunch to celebrate her birthday. It wasn't until I got home, crashed on the couch and woke up feeling really upset a couple hours later. It was like all of the sudden someone injected me with crying serum. I came downstairs to find Steve in his chair, still in his work clothes, playing video games. We talked to each other about our days and he asked me if I wanted to watch something. And I just started bawling. *Crazies alert Crazies alert*

I wish I had a picture of Steve's face in these instances. He looks so frightened. I imagine he's terrified of the beast that he knows is about to be unleashed. He knows that when I cry out of the blue that it's gonna be a good one. He kept asking what was wrong. I kept saying, "I don't know...I really don't"...I said that I just felt so emotional. That I didn't think it was because I could possibly be pregnant but that I'm so scared to test next week. I think the whole "it gets easier saying" has proven to not work with me completely. Some minor things get easier...but come on now, every month seeing another negative *sucks* (there's that word I loathe) SUCKS a little more.

But you know, as tiny as a part of my day, this was...One of the things I couldn't stop thinking about in the middle of my crying fit was my purchase at Target after lunch with Kim.

I was helping her shop for her nieces and nephews. I love shopping for babies and I have a pretty decent amount of lil' munchkins in my life. Since our journey started, it hasn't upset me to be around baby clothes...I love looking at everything and finding cute lil' outfits. I even am comfortable enough to always find myself wandering towards the baby section at Target just to browse and daydream about someday. And today, at Target I bought two things. After my :*( fest ended, I knew for sure...those were the two things that set my mood.

And, here they are.

Now, obviously the pregnancy tests (which by the way were big time on sale for 3 for $7.99...*totally cheap for 1st responses*) are gonna make me somewhat emotional because they mean testing time is right around the corner...but the monkey shirt?!...

Well, that isn't for any little 18 month old boy I know. It isn't for a baby that's even here right now. I bought it for me. Okay, not for me...I certainly couldn't even squeeze one boob into it...but I bought it for if  when we have a baby. And I only have about 3 other articles of clothing that I've bought in the past two years for when we do because it hurts too much. It is such a tease. To see the perfect little dress, little baseball jersey...little shoes (all which won't be in the store anymore when we have a baby) and know I can't or shouldn't buy them. There are far more things to get upset about in this journey, than clothes...but hey, I can be upset when that little embroidered kitten jumper with matching kitty shoes, hat and jacket aren't there anymore, right??!! :) and that's why i had to just buy that baseball monkey shirt...

Kim and I were aggressively going through the clearance racks and shelves for all the sales and there it was...one left...a funny but so appropriate "paul frank" baseball tee...complete with thin navy stripes just like a Yankee's jersey (Steve's favorite) and I picked it up, my eyes lit up and I smiled and showed Kim. She said I had to get it. It was on sale for $2 which didn't help a bargain fanatic like me. I quickly threw it in our cart as we looked some more.  Within minutes, I took it out and put it back on the shelf. I was like, "This is stupid...I shouldn't be buying this now"...Kim put it back in the cart and told me if I didn't get it she was buying it for me. But still, I put it back again. Well, just as we were about to leave the section, I went and grabbed it from the pile of orange tees I hid it under (just in case) and added it to my order. When I woke up from my nap, I pulled out the hpts (which rest nicely in my bathroom cabinet unopened) and then took out the tee shirt. I got a lump in my throat, took a deep breath and went downstairs...

"Cause in my mind the room beyond
is bathed in golden light
Well I dream about you through the day
and I toss and turn at night"

After quite some time of being upset, Steve still asking me what's the matter, I went upstairs and came back down with the shirt in my hand. I held it up to Steve and crying so hard said, "I bought this today...I don't know why but when I saw it I instantly thought of you and a little boy or girl in a Yankees hat...ready for you to take them to their first game"...His expression was one I can't seem to shake...in a good way I guess. He almost looked stunned...like it really hit him hard too...the reality of all this...and the fact that he too, can't always hold it all in. His arms reached out for me and I hugged him tight. I could see tears in his eyes right away.  After another good 20 minutes, the tough part of the grieving was over and I was laughing and smiling a bit more. *Thanks, ladyK ;)

Seriously, does anyone cry as much as me? I mean, I've always been a crier. No doubt about it. No shame. But I can't help but feel like a nutso sometimes...ok, almost always. :)

So, I am probably about 9 or 10 days past ovulation. Because I didn't use an opk this cycle, I'm going by the usual. I have promised myself to wait to test until at least Monday...as always, I don't want to possibly ruin the weekend. Symptoms...ughhh, the other day I was doing the "boob test" oooh, I'd say about 88 times throughout the day...and I thought they felt just like I wanted em' to...full and heavy...which then gets my hopes up. Then, the next day and so far today, not as much...it kind of comes and goes. I have been crampy which we all know could mean my period is coming. Of course, I'm hoping it is a little egg implanting in my uterus. I expect it anywhere as early as Monday but probably Tuesday or Wednesday. And cramps come easy when you've been eating Mexican food all week. Unfortunately, Tuesday started off not so wonderful with a funeral. Steve and I went with my Mom to her Uncle's funeral a couple hours away on Tuesday. I've only met him a couple times in life and didn't know him well...and not to make a joke at a wrong time but Steve put it best when he said he wasn't letting my Mom or I drive and go alone to a place we have NO idea how to get to because he'd just have to end up picking us up in the ditch we landed in.  I'm horrible with directions and she's not used to driving those roads.  So, thank you Mr. Steve for driving! :) My mom took us out to one of my old favorite Mexican restaurants afterwards.

Me and Mom

Me and Steve...if you look closely, behind me on the left, is my love, Taco Bell...I promise I didn't plan that LOL


Yesterday, Kim and I chowed down on chips, salsa, tacos, beans and chocolate pecan empanadas...yea, so cramps should be expected, right! :)

Kim and I

While in the action hero toy section, we got a little carried away with trying on all the masks.
Kim was cracking me up.

Kim, ahem, Captain America. She means business people! :)


So, I'm going to start today off on a good foot.  And if I need to cry, I'll cry.  It's gonna be a busy one helping my Mom complete her move.  Then, it's one more week and I'm excited to say, Steve and I are off for ten days together!! WAHHHOOOO is all I can say to that!
I hope that everyone enjoys their weekend and has time to enjoy the good things in life.  I'm gonna wait for this weekend to pass by, wish...hope...and pray for good things to come. 

"Well I could brag on the things I've done
or the places I have been
But I've never found a cure
for on the outside looking in

Sometimes it's hard to understand
when they say that pride's a sin
Should I go or should I stay
on the outside looking in"
I promise, those tests are locked away until at least Monday and I'm gonna do my best to...

KEEP ON FIGHTIN'


Happy Weekend Everyone!!
Sending out lots of thoughts, prayers and LOVE!

Never Grow Up

 

 

 

"Never Grow Up"  Taylor Swift

this has to be one of her best songs. 

It was just me and the kitties this afternoon. I opened up the sliding door to finally get some fresh, "real" air in the house and within moments, Twinkie and Muffin pranced their way over to find the perfect spot to watch the raindrops dance around the deck. I often wonder what they must be thinking as they so intently stare outside. I've got a feeling they've got quite the imagination.


This weekend got my own imagination working. It got me reminiscing. It added extra weight to my heart, leaving it heavy with love and the joy of innocence.
I didn't let "the crazies" get to me too much.  I told myself that I was allowed to start wondering and driving myself crazy once it was over...and I've kept too busy to let them rain on my parade.  Though, I'm going to say around Wednesday I will have a visit from them. :)

Thursday night I left my Mom's house with a huge box of my teenage keepsakes that were left in the attic. This weekend she is completing her move to my Nani's. I came home and spent hours rummaging through it all. The contents of the box had me laughing out loud, smiling and wiping tears filled with those sweet memories of being a kid again. The sight of a picture that used to hang in my old bedroom, all my favorite knick knacks, little trinkets that take me to a place where things were a bit simpler. A time where when things got tough, I could close the door behind me in my room, wind up the ballerina music box sitting on my shelf and let my fears and insecurities get lost in her twirling round and round.


This weekend Steve and I went to see Harry Potter. I fully admit to mocking it when I was younger and not seeing what all the fuss was about. Over the past few years, I'm seeing many things in a new light...and I found myself pleasantly surprised to have my eyes locked on the screen for the 2 and a half hours in the theater. I honestly used to just think all it was, was a bunch of little kid magicians on a mission...and in a sense, it is. But, I didn't notice all the lessons that were woven throughout the movie. I couldn't believe it when I actually got teary eyed at the end. Crying comes just as easy as laughing to me...but at a Harry Potter movie?! Who was this woman sitting next to Steve?!...surely, not me. In one of the last scenes when Dumbledore (the old me would totally make fun of me for blogging a paragraph about Potter) is talking to Harry, he says, "Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it"
(I totally had to look up the exacts, you know I didn't remember that word for word)

Those words touched me and rang so true.

Me and Steve after the movie

Ahhh, Taco Bell...how I missed thee...it was a whole 31 days since our last visit... *yea, I totally went to check my blog to see the last date we had it :)

Me and the Minimuffin..."Get your taco bell breath away from me, Mama"


This weekend we went to Chloe's birthday party. There was nothing but love surrounding her. Watching the stir of people all gathered to celebrate such a sweet little girl's first year of life...little ones running through each room with excitement, giddy at all that a birthday entails. The laughter heard from outside as they pranced through the sprinkler, the light in their eyes as they helped open presents, their chocolate stained faces and the caramel popcorn stickiness still left on their hands....
Times like these...

They makes you yearn to be a kid again...where life's simple pleasures are all you know in life. Children...they truly embrace what it is to live well. live free. live BIG.

Many photos memories are about to make their way on in. I will let them do most of the talkin'...

One of my gifts to Chloe was an album containing all of our memories together in the past year.

as you can see, I love photos and I LOVE Chloe. :)

She was ready to exchange her dinner for some hard earned sugar. Who doesn't love watching a newbie one year old tear into their own lil' birthday cake...instantly devouring it...leaving just as much icing on their face and fingers as the cake.

"Ok, this is my last bite...bring on the cake"

"I don't know what they're talking about...it's not that good"

"Oh, who am I kidding...this puts the zing in AMAZING"

"Must keep eating...nom nom nom nom...ughhh my belly has no more room"

"I can do anything with cheers from my sister"

"Okay girls...it's all yours...I can't breathe...I'm gonna poop pop" (think this is in my top 2 for favorite pictures of the night)

Kelly and Kurt did an awesome job creating the cutest beach themed Birthday!

Present Time!

Adorable skirt from Jessica

and the sweetest sweater to match...each flower was hand sewn by Jess...so talented!!!

Jessica even matched her gifts!! :)

Chloe and Mommy


After Chloe went to bed, with a belly full of goodness, the grown ups and Addison enjoyed some games outside.

Kelly and Addison

Kurt and Addison

Jessica joined in the fun.

Addison and I

Kelly Jessica and I

Steve and I

Kelly and Kurt

Jessica and Kelly

Jessica and I

Addison and Jessica being silly :)

The four of us

Funny faced Addison with Jessica

She wanted the funny faces to continue (ps-I look like I'm missing my teeth? lol)

Then, she asked to take a picture in which "Jessica and I needed to hug"
(she's a great photographer) love it!

I couldn't resist an Addison hug...


It was time for bed and Kelly invited us to join her and Addison while they did the "bedtime rituals"...
Bathtime, teeth brushing, pj time, it was too late for a bedtime story but never too late for a few prayers.

These times send me back...
I remember getting so excited when it was bathtime, putting on a fresh pair of cute pajamas and picking out a story or two...and then saying my prayers with my Mom.
and it's a beautiful thing to see some things don't change.


I left with many more photos to add to my collection... and many more sweet memories...

Me and Kelly

Looking through that old box of keepsakes on Thursday, was a picture that brings me back to when Kelly and I were 9 years old...bff's for-eva... still dressed alike from "twin day" at school earlier that day and ready to "get our sleepover on" at my house. *tear

Me and Kelly 20 years ago


Didn't we all say it at some point in our life?
"I want to grow up...

I cant wait till I'm 18...21...

It will be so much better when I can do this or that"

I wouldn't trade my life now for anything...but I love watching life through a child's eyes. It's nice to go back every now and then...to just soak up the times when your imagination really made everything in those moments come true...

Times where you could...

*Stick those plastic cookies in your Fisher Price oven and WAA LAAA...a dozen freshly baked chocolate chip cookies were ready to eat in the matter of a few seconds.


*Dress Barbie up for a date...her looking cute as ever in a tight little mini skirt, complete with heels and a baby tee and know...Barbs ain't gettin' called a hoochie Mama for it.

*Take your pick out of your collection of baby dolls, swaddle them up in a soft, fuzzy blanket and instantly become their Mommy...


"Oh, I don't wanna grow up...wish I'd never grown up
I could still be little
Oh, I don't wanna grow up...wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple"

Tonight, as I was helping my Mom with my Nani...I was rooting through a cabinet and found a fresh new box of crayons from well over a decade ago. I took them home and have been drawing with them on paper that is as old as me. 
And if keeping the side effects away of - one week down, one more left...of the two week wait, means a little therapy from a box of vibrant colors...
Well, then I'll take it.

Wishing everyone a Happy Tuesday.
Sending out lots of love to so many of you <3

I Shall Believe

 

 

 

"I Shall Believe"  Sheryl Crow

 
When I first set out on this journey, I didn't truly know what to expect when it came to the "waiting game". Of course, I was anxious back in November 09'...waiting to see if our first attempt at a family the month before, would bring us a positive. It didn't. I remember being so disappointed...obnoxiously disappointed. Thinking I was doomed because I didn't get pregnant on the first try like so many other lucky women I had heard of. The next month, in December, I waited to test until my period was due. And when I slowly crept into our powder room to check the results...there on the counter, were 2 lines staring back at me. A positive that quickly became a negative not even a week later. That was the moment my passion for a child, a family, another pregnancy...became even stronger.

Some people say, "just don't think about it". If only it were that easy. After each miscarriage, my yearning to be pregnant again becomes greater. Now that my 2 week wait has begun, I can't help but wonder if this time will be the one. There are some days I really do feel like I am made of steel...that nothing can get to me. And then I have the days and nights where it consumes my heart and soul. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, "wait, did all of this just take place in the past 21 months?...have I really been pregnant 5 times?"...Because, to be honest, it is really hard for me to say that I never have truly felt pregnant. The second time, yes...I got a taste of extreme symptoms with it being twins, a quickly rounding belly, dreams of a baby in my arms. But the other 4, not so much. It's hard for me to even remember being pregnant in February. Maybe it's because I blocked it out. Maybe that vacation we took during/after our last loss was that good...that it took away some of the pain.
Or maybe I just didn't want to believe I was.

Because in the almost 6 months it's been since our last pregnancy, I have only now been truly dealing with it all and knowing that it was pure instinct to detach myself from the pregnancies in a way to protect myself.
I don't want to completely detach anymore. No matter what...I want to have even a few drops of positivity.
I know that too, is so much easier said than done.

Where each cycle I feel more and more close to being able to say goodbye to this chapter if needed, I still believe there's a chance. And maybe I don't need to take that chance, because what could be waiting for us IS just as great. I know it is. I do. I just believe to trust my heart...to trust my gut...that I will know when, if the time comes...to "turn out the lights" on this chapter.

"Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe

I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone


But I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be"

The past 5 cycles of not getting pregnant have proven a few things to me. That where I'm more used to seeing a negative, therefore expecting one...it doesn't make it any easier to see it. It just makes it easier to expect it. If that makes sense.

Do I honestly expect to find out I'm pregnant in 2 weeks...not really. Do I want to be pregnant just as much as last cycle or the ones before...more than anything. Lately, I've been relying more and more on my nights of reflection. I have been keeping very busy but I still need to continue with grieving. It might sound depressing. My rituals...my therapy sessions that only include me and my computer...sitting on my couch with music...keeping the remote control close by in case I want a little tacky lifetime movie network to distract me here and there. But it has been working and I actually love this part of my day.  As well as keeping busy. I'm finding the perfect balance and slowly but surely, I'm noticing differences.

I have a lot of positives surrounding me these next two weeks. I'm going to do my best to remember that...and see all that is good around me.  The sad girl...back in the November 09', who felt doomed had no idea what was in store for her and somehow...has more strength and hope now, than she did back then.  Because I'm keeping the faith more than ever these days...even in times of utter weakness, it will always remain.

"Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe"

Happy Thursday Everyone!
Hope it's a Great One! <3

Lots of Love,