Growing

 

 

 

I don't have any full on bump shots this week. (I'll double up next post.)

 

But I can assure you, the bump the baby is growing.

My books and magazines say this is a time of amazing growth...both for mama and baby.

I believe it.  Not only am I waking up now twice a night to pee, but I feel like my belly truly gets a little bigger every few days.

 

The bathtub is calling my name.  I've had my feet propped up since I came home.

The lovely round ligament pain graced me with its presence this week.

It began on Monday.  I drove to the mall hoping to find some maternity clothes...Thanks to Kelly (with her passing on her mama clothes to me), I haven't had to buy any yet.  Oh, and bras...I was on the hunt for bras - my boobs are in competition with my belly for who can grow the fastest!

  Once I parked, I bolted out of my car to dodge the heavy rain.  And as soon as I started walking, I felt a sharp, jabbing pain under my right hip that quickly became a constant ache.  

 

I knew it was most likely my ligaments stretching, but it still startled me.  I parked it on a bench and texted Steve - "just sat down at mall...feeling a sharp, jabby pain on my lower right side."

He replied - "Gas?" (He knows me too well.)

  Me - "No, definitely not." 

  Not even a minute later, he called - " Hun, I want you to find some juice and then find a security guard and ask them for a wheelchair.  They can wheel you to your car if you need."

I couldn't help but laugh my hyena cackle and smile...It was cute...He was so concerned and it was one of those moments that made me envision him even more as a dad.  

 "Babe, I think it's just my ligaments stretching.  My friends have told me this was coming...I'm not cramping or bleeding...just let me get some water and see how I feel in couple minutes."

 

I sat down in the food court - a huffy, puffy, pregnant mama alone with her water bottle amongst the mix of half-naked and punky teenagers, 

and then my phone rang again.  It was Steve.  He called the doctor. (again, cute.)  

She said it was completely normal for this time in my pregnancy, to go home, put my feet up and relax.  I took the Mr's and doctor's orders and headed home.  No maternity clothes.  No bras. 

But peace of mind.

 

It's hung around on and off all week.  Usually, it starts up when I go to stand and when I'm done cleaning.  So, I've been taking breathers every so often.

 

 

 

And water breaks.

(where I sit with my cup resting on its new shelf, while slouched in very ladylike positions.)

 

 

 

 

Oh, and how's this for a nice scare?!  The one office I clean keeps on switching this guy in various spots around the place.  Tuesday night, I unlock the door and immediately see a giant shadow.  I turn on the lights and there he is...a couple feet away from me.  I screamed a hideous scream and then hyena cackled again, as I went to send my mom the picture.  She appreciates a good prank...and probably hyena cackled too. 

 

 

 

 

Memories from the past week +...

 

 

Sunday football at Kim and Adam's house.

I broke out the distortion feature again.

 

 

 

 

 

A Thursday with Kelly and the munchkins...

 

stud muffin

 

 

lil' mogc - munchkin of good cheer

 

 

addison and her best friend, anna, had a blast together.

 

 

 

 

makin' jewelry

 

 

bffs (plus baby bitty)

 

 

<3

 

Comfy night with friends just a few houses away...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

handsome as ever, noah

 

 

<3

 

Friday date night in...

 

thai take-out

 

 

 and a movie and a muffin.  (and...we watched a movie with zac efron in it...because steve didn't want to watch "magic mike" and because i'm a dork.)

 

 

 

 

mr. chibbs cuddled with us

 

 

the movie wore him out.

 

 

Saturday trip to Baltimore to visit Jamie, Leslie and Parker...

 

 

Jamie and Steve shared some brews.

Parker loved the bottle...(not for another 21 years, young lady!)

 

 

 

dinner at their favorite mexican spot. (which is now one of our favorites)

 

 

parker tried some avocado.

 

 

the aftermath.

 

 

Sunday @ Sulli's with Jen and Sean...it had been too long.

 

 

 

Everyone took pictures with Beano...

 

 

 

 

 

 

steve's been having round ligament pain too.

 

 

<3

 

 

Remember that crazy chocolate pig dream I had a few months back?...

 

Jen did, and gave baby and I this adorable and clever gift.

 

 

 

We came home Sunday to a bag on our door from my mom...

 

treats for the kitties

 

 

 and treats for us and baby

pumpkin bagels with pumpkin cream cheese

 

 

Okay, it's time for bed.  And a quick bath.

 

I hope everyone is having a great week.

 

Thank you so much for your sweet and kind words on my last post. <3

 

Happy almost weekend!

See ya soon.

 

 

 

17 and a half week Lovin',

Everything Is Beautiful and Here

*another two posts in one - digging into the then and now <3





"Everything Is Beautiful" - Ann Marie Boscovich

I've thought a lot this week.  About how quickly the days are passing by.  How different and yet all the same things are when I compare now and years past - such a tremendous comfort. 

Fall and the month of October hold such significance.

And today, I just want to recognize and give thanks for the

then and now.

I think back to three years ago, in October 2009, when Steve and I began trying for a family...

There was an innocence in us.  I was carefree mixed with just a tad bit obsessive all at once.  Falling pregnant two months later made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world - what I'd been yearning for my whole life was just given to me in the blink of an eye. 

"This was so simple," I thought to myself.

When it was taken away almost instantly, there was still that innocence.

How were we to have a clue as to what lied ahead of us...

None of us ever truly know.

A year later, in October 2010, 3 miscarriages in...

Steve and I, exhausted but determined, met our wonderful reproductive endocrinologist.  He was a breath of fresh air, instilling a new kind of hope in us.  He was caring, sensitive, funny, open-minded, down to earth and aggressive to an extent.  A perfect fit for us. 

Fall that year was a roller-coaster - a giant, twisting, take-your-breath-away ride.

November came, and oh what an emotional, heartbreaking (at the time) month that was.

There will always be moments in this journey that stand out.  Ones that stick so vividly to my mind and wrap so tightly around my heart, that I find it hard not to get chills and be pulled right back in...

It's times like these, today, that make us appreciate all we've been through.

My friend, Kelly, and I were just talking about that day in November - when Steve and I got the news of his inversion.  She remembers exactly where she was standing when I called her.

I remember the heat that rushed through my body, the cries that sounded more like screams...

The way Steve collapsed into me when he got home.  A million apologies and tears as we sat at the dining room table.

With our doctor giving us the green light on giving it a few more tries before moving onto bigger hurdles, we went for it - 2 more pregnancies that ended as 2 more losses.

The rest of the winter into early spring took our marriage to extremely trying places. 

I was desperate for Steve to open up, let go of his anger and realize that I had no resentment whatsoever for his inversion.  "If anything, I'm going to resent you for closing yourself off and thinking you're entitled to continue this behavior while I keep going physically and emotionally!" I would repeat to him for the next couple months.

I uttered the word divorce more than once in our biggest of battles.  Steve did too, in such a rage of helplessness and guilt.

With time, came strength.  On both our parts.

Steve started talking...really talking.  Vulnerability is beautiful.  And he was ready to let go.

  He confessed his greatest fears, his guilt and sadness.

And I fell more in love with him as a deeper connection formed between us - one that makes me so damn grateful - one that makes me give great thanks for all the bullshit we went through.

You really do just never truly know when it comes to these things...

How we got pregnant 5 times in a little over a year to have it all come to a halt - 8 months of trying after our last loss in February 2011 to get to October 2011 with no success.

Looking back now, it was a blessing - one that I don't think either of us realized would come to be so special and important.

Backtracking a little...

I think it was late spring 2011.  Steve was driving.  Me in the passenger side...us heading out to run some errands.

Silly, but I remember a Wegman's truck passing by us and Steve putting his hand on my leg...

Turning to look at me, as he said "I'm ready to look into sperm donors.  I've been thinking about it, and I'm ready." 

And it wasn't really his words that had me overcome with emotion, but more the look in his eyes and how genuinely those words flowed out of his mouth. 

I wrote THIS POST almost a year ago, last October. Oh, my heart ached with such bittersweet emotion. It hurt good.

And I knew in the coming months, Steve and I were in for many new experiences.  I knew we'd learn more about ourselves and grow a little more each day.

And after enjoying the holidays, de-stressing a bit and regaining our strength,

we took THAT LEAP.

Finding a sperm donor...it wasn't nearly as scary as we thought it'd be. 

In fact, I don't think it was scary at all.  But, it took time, patience and a whole lot of life living to get to that point.There were surprises and heartbreaking times still to come, but we never stopped pushing forward.

Those months were filled with such uncertainty at times, but more than anything, with

grace, blessings and this undying hope that we would get where we dreamed to be from the start.

You see, I didn't write much about that "first" October, 3 years ago.  Because in the big picture of it all...it doesn't hold nearly as much beauty and importance as the months and years that followed.

When Steve and I started out on this journey,

 we never imagined all that that was coming our way...We thought we'd have one, maybe even two little ones running around by now.  We didn't expect to go through 7 losses or search a website one January day for sperm donors.  We never imagined that a few years later, we'd celebrate Valentine's Day by calling a clinic across the country to charge more money than we ever have to our check card. We never imagined I would be carrying a baby who has half my genetic makeup and half a stranger's.

I'll say it a third time...

You just never truly know.

You never know what roads life will take you down or what challenges you'll face when it comes to reaching your dreams.  You never quite grasp in the heat of those intense moments, how pure chaos can and will turn into pure beauty.

I sit here today, on this new and blessed road, looking back on the past three years...

knowing that the road was always blessed.

We wouldn't have had it any other way.

We're here. 

And it's more beautiful than we ever imagined.

(Is it me, or are my boobs out almost as far as my belly?!  I think they're pregnant too! )

Twinkie, of course, had to make his appearance.

"Here" - Rascal Flatts

To everyone

 who is somewhere in the middle of that road - maybe unsure and scared, exhausted and hurting...

my thoughts and prayers are with you. 

It will all be worth it. <3

Happy Weekend.

Beautiful, Present and HERE Lovin',

Saturday Love

 

 

A sleepy Saturday morning has turned into a lazy afternoon.  I'm far from tired at the moment...just very comfortable...soaking up the fresh air coming through the windows...

blasting music through my headphones (partly for enjoyment, partly to drown out the noise of Steve's video game).

 

 

The days are moving quickly.  Faster than I ever imagined them to at this stage in the

game pregnancy.  Tomorrow, I'll be 16 weeks.  Each day, something new makes it even more real - makes me envision all of the beauty we have to look forward to in each coming day, week, month, year.

 

Yesterday was one of them.

We had another doctor's appointment.  It had been exactly one month since our last.
It felt a little crazy to barely have an ounce of worry on my way there.  I did wonder if my blood pressure would play tricks on the nurse again.  It seems to always be a little high at first, and once taken again, it's great.
I drove with the windows down.  Feeling so calm - daydreaming about hearing the baby's heartbeat.
About fifteen minutes in, I came to a lovely detour.  I loathe detours.  You could say I royally suck when it comes to directions.  I get lost in my own tiny town - no lie.  I could get lost in the grocery store if I wasn't careful.
I called Steve and told him what road I was on...asking him to quickly give me directions before I got even more off track.  Steve's almost always a smartass in these situations. And rightfully so.  As he said yesterday - "I don't know where you are because you don't know where you are!  How in the hell are you lost, babe?! You have lived here your whole life!"
I decided I didn't need my blood pressure exploding and turned around, called Steve a shithead, and found the nice "detour man" I had passed a few minutes ago.  Thankfully, detour man gave me easy peasy directions, even quizzing me a second time before I turned, and I was on my way.


Steve smirked as I pulled in to park.  I did too.
And in, we headed.

The appointment was a happy little one.

*Blood pressure - great from the start!
*Weight gain - 2.8 pounds in the past month.
*We had a nice, long chat with our doctor.
*They scheduled all of our appointments until due date week.
*Anatomy scan is November 1st - the countdown is on!! :)

And my favorite part of the appointment - When the nurse almost immediately brought out the doppler.  (We had a little chat about bellybutton rings.)

Steve made sure to tape babe's lil' beat...
Beano was moving all over the place.

 

 

I've only listened to it about 28 times so far.

 

 

My mom and I spent the night together.  It started as it usually does - with a phone call - "Wanna walk? Wanna eat?" And ends up with an hour long continued conversation before I get my butt over to her house.

 

It was beautiful out.  We walked around downtown...the streets full of people enjoying "1st Friday."

 

 

 

 

We stopped in a cute, crowded little shop full of pretty and fun pieces.

 

 

 

 

And then headed for food. 

We couldn't say no to their soup special - apple and butternut squash soup with creme fraiche (Mom, you were right - it means fresh cream! I just looked it up. Ha!)

 

 

 

 

We laughed out loud when the server placed the whole plate of nachos in front of the pregnant lady.

 

 

 

Somehow, we barely made a dent in that large plate of cheese and chips.  I guess it was good we switched the nachos to the middle of the table!

 

 

 

 

We ended the 7 hour night with a walk for coffee...coming home to sit together in her kitchen and look through the wonderful book I received last week...

A great start to the weekend.

<3

 

Just a few cravings as of lately...

 

 Big salads

 

 

 

And mac n' cheese with hot sauce

 

 

 

 

A couple September photos that got lost in the mix

 

Celebrating Jen's birthday.

 

 

Breakfasts with Daxon and his mama.

 

 

 I'm ending on a crazy cat lady note...

 

treating Moofy and Krimpyfluffy to a different breakfast

 

 

The other night, before bed, Steve and I introduced Muffin to the wonderful world of shadow puppets.

She went crazy!

 

Ha! Look at her shadow!

 

 

 

 

She is nuts!

 

 

 

 

Happy Weekend, friends!!

Hope it's a sweet one. <3

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for all the wonderful words on my last post.  I feel truly blessed.

 

See ya next week. <3

 

Lazy Day Lovin',