Friday, October 21, 2011

Wild Horses

"Wild Horses" Natasha Bedingfield



This week came and went in the blink of an eye. How there is only a week left of October, I do not know. Things have been so busy. So "good" busy. And maybe that's why this month, out of the past many, many months of this journey, has seemed unusually uplifting...enlightening...and peaceful.

Peace is something I've been striving for. Not just in this journey...but in life, always.

To me, peace truly is a gift. It lets the mind think clearly and confidently. It brings on a strength like no other. It helps you see things in a different light...a much brighter light. It brings more beauty to even the littlest of things.

With how GO GO GO things have been, I've managed to make sense of a lot this month. I've worked through some emotions that I tried to repress for so long. I cried a lot while driving. A lot in times to myself. Deep, cleansing tears. Tears that helped me breathe easier. My period is due any day now. Most likely tomorrow or Sunday. Do I think I'm pregnant? No. I really don't. I haven't tested. Though tests are in my possession, I don't want to do that to myself right now. And Steve agrees, to just wait it out.  I know anything can happen...we shall see.

Plus, this weekend is about much more than a stupid period.

It's about celebrating love alongside two dear friends.

I have plenty of time next week to deal with what may come. And I predict many "pour my heart out" posts in the near future.

It's been a struggle each time my period arrives. * Do we try again?  Do we move on? But how? Will I be strong enough to close this chapter and begin another? Oh, why not just ONE more try!  This will be the last try, I promise*  And then, the vicious cycle starts all over...along with my lovely cycle. 
Heck, it's been a struggle all the times it didn't show.  Just last Sunday, was the due date from our last pregnancy/last loss.  I didn't think so much of what could have been as much as I thought about the time that had passed.  9 more months out of these past 24.  It may sound crazy, but when I hear "9 months," I automatically think *BABY*...
9 months = a baby...or does it?!
It has been a "whole baby" since we were pregnant last.  I can't say we've gotten nowhere in that time.  I can't say I regret trying again and again.  I admit, there are still times I let those *hows and whys* creep into my mind.  Steve too.  But you know, those *hows and whys*...they don't matter as much anymore.  Because, in the end...THEY DON'T MATTER AT ALL.  What matters is HOW we get there together, as a team.

What matters is focusing on WHY and WHAT is important for us in the big picture.

My next post will be a happy one.  You all know how I love sharing happy memories.  This weekend we celebrate LOVE.  The best feeling of em' all.

The following posts are swarming around...they've always been.  They just are finally beginning to come to the surface.
And I'm ready to write them.

*
These lyrics sing to me.  They sum up the thoughts in my mind and feelings in my heart...the ones that at times have consumed me over this journey...
Each time I listen to this song, I feel stronger...I feel understood.

I feel like I understand myself better and like I am getting to that place...those "greener pastures" she sings of...


"I feel these 4 walls closing in
My face up against the glass
I'm looking out
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
Its greener pastures I'm thinking about
Wide open spaces far away


All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared


Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
Run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses!


I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare back, care free along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head first headlong without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free


All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared


Recklessly abandoning my self before you


I wanna open up my heart tell him how I feel


Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses"


*Now, it's time to take my last sip of coffee and start getting ready for a weekend of LOVE.

Wishing everyone a sweet weekend filled with LOVE and JOY and PEACE!!

*and of course, few pictures from this week...
"old lady lunch" with these lovely ladies!

I can't stop laughing at this picture. Miss Addison, always entertaining...I love Chloe looking at her, like, "Sister, WHAT IN THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?!"

self pic by Addison. Very envious of her talent in the "Funny Face Department"

Chloe, bright eyed and chillin' after a yummy lunch!

Veronica and I, people watching at the mall food court!

The hubby and I

One more day til' they say, *I DO*

Me and Jen @ her rehearsal dinner

The four of us.
****

"You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith"

We pray...
To feel free of fear...to remain full of faith...to feel confident in our decisions and to realize that we deserve a chance to breathe...no matter what comes our way...

Weekend Hugs n' Lovin',

24 comments:

Mrs. E said...

I hope you have a wonderful, joyful weekend! I'm sure you will...can't wait to see the pictures and hear all the happy stories =) xoxo~

Jamie said...

Hi there, I'm Jamie and a new follower to your blog from the hop! Would love if you followed me back. I love the music on here & the country songs! (:

http://jamiesjourneythroughlife.blogspot.com/

MrsV said...

Hope you have fun this weekend! :D

I don't remember if I commented or not but just in case is didn't I love the wreath in your last post!

<3

Judy Haughton-James said...

Hi Maria,
This is reflective and also inspirational. Life certainly has its ups and downs but I can see that you are trying to look at the brighter side. I am also working to do the same. It is not always easy but I am fighting on. I wish you an enjoyable weekend.
Judy

LOVE MELISSA:) said...

Oh maria, as I am reading this I am praying for you. You are a true inspiration. I would love if you guest post on my blog in the future because you are probably one of my favorite bloggers. I know when the time comes you will be a fantastic mommy! I know it will come for you! You have the great attitude- I know it is hard but you do such an amazing job! And you are a beautiful person inside and out. Have a great day!

Rachel Marie said...

Hello lovely lady :) I'm sorry about lack of being around. Week has been CRAZY!!! My almost appearance on the Dr. Phil show blew my mind, so I've been here - just not here. Make sense? Good :) I wanna tell you a story about one of my close friends. Her and her husband had (see that had) been trying to have a baby since 2008 - we were in fact trying to get pregnant at the same time to have cute little babies together. After a while she gave up. Then they faced that they just weren't going to be parents and they were seriously okay with it. They went on a vacation - to Disney World, a month later she tested because she was late - and she was pregnant. It can happen ... and it will happen. Even if that means going to Disney World -let the memories begin :) Keep your head up, and know you have lots and lots of support :) Hugs.

Rachel Marie said...

Hello lovely lady :) I'm sorry about lack of being around. Week has been CRAZY!!! My almost appearance on the Dr. Phil show blew my mind, so I've been here - just not here. Make sense? Good :) I wanna tell you a story about one of my close friends. Her and her husband had (see that had) been trying to have a baby since 2008 - we were in fact trying to get pregnant at the same time to have cute little babies together. After a while she gave up. Then they faced that they just weren't going to be parents and they were seriously okay with it. They went on a vacation - to Disney World, a month later she tested because she was late - and she was pregnant. It can happen ... and it will happen. Even if that means going to Disney World -let the memories begin :) Keep your head up, and know you have lots and lots of support :) Hugs.

Ashley said...

I am truly sorry for your struggle. :( I know a bit about what you are going through. We tried for only a year before it happened but I remember how it felt to wonder why it wasn't happening month after month. Hang in there. :)

Diana said...

Have a fun filled beautiful weekend my friend!! Is it wierd that every, single, time I read one of ur posts... I get a huge smile on my face :D whether they are fun ones or venting ones... Know that we never judge and LOVE to hear what's going on in ur world. Big hugs gf! Xoxoxo

Maria said...

I totally get measuring time in babies. Totally!

I hope you enjoy your weekend! Weddings are so much fun. I hope you dance! (To quote a song played at our wedding 5 years ago today.)

Stephanie said...

I hope you have such a wonderful time this weekend!!! You and Steve certainly deserve it! Weddings always make me cry... I'm such a romantic sap!!

Love love love that song... So beautiful... Don't we all wish we could be just free! Will be keeping my fingers crossed for you! Many hugs!!!! Xoxoxoxoxoxo

Rebecca said...

Oh Maria I was totally thinking you would have POAS by now. I'm so glad to see you are enjoying the weekend and not testing. I wish I had that kind of strength!! Have a great weekend, I will be thinking of you. Stay away AF!!!!

Mommy LaDy Club said...

I really believe in timing, so try to think of it that way. It comes at a time when it is just right. Of course, this is always so nice and easy to see in hindsight;) Best wishes:)

Rachel said...

Hey Maria, So sorry I have not been a very active blogger lately (things have been crazy). I hope you have a wonderful loving weekend!

Aleisha McD said...

Hey Baby Doll! BEAUTIFUL post...as ALWAYS! I must say I am L-O-V-E loving the gold scarf, the headband, the booties and tights, the pink lipstick. I swear you and I come from the same mold! HA HA! Happy, happy weekend to you, my friend!

Mama's Introspect said...

Your newest follower via Lots of Lovin’ Weekend Blog

Erin said...

Maria,
From afar, I have watched you grow closer to Him, press into Him, rely on Him. You are growing in faith and wisdom everyday and it is a joy to watch. You comfort many with your kind soul and kind words. Your journey still has far to go and who knows where the Lord will lead you and that sweet hubby of yours!!
You are a blessing and I love you!
~Erin

Kelly said...

I've been absent from the blogging world lately but I'm so thankful to see your blog again. I love that you're still smiling! By the way, I love your fashion style! You like so vibrant, and spirited.

waitingforarainbow said...

First of all, can I just say I love all of your outfits? Every time you post a picture I'm all... "omg, where did she get that??"
It's Sunday right now, and I am praying... begging... that af doesn't show. I know what you mean about wanting to give up. It takes a lot of courage, and strength to keep trying... and woman, you have boat loads of it. I honestly look up to you.
Hope your weekend is as peaceful as the rest of the month has been!

Domina said...

Beautiful pics!

I found you on the weekend blog hop.

I am hosting a giveaway for Baby Tone DVDs....and thought you might be interested. It is a great gift for a new mom who would love to workout with their baby while bonding. Would love it if you could stop by! http://getittogetherdomina.blogspot.com/2011/10/baby-tone-dvd-giveaway.html

Megan said...

Sounds like a lovely weekend - I'm so glad you found some peace!

Krissi said...

New follower from ICLW! I am humbled by your history and wanted to wish you lots of luck for the future. Your blog is so sweet and touching. I LOVE the pictures and I adore the songs in each post! What a great idea! I also love this song ~ I've never heard it before so thank you for introducing it to me! I featured your blog tonight! ;-)

Diana said...

Hey there my love! Thank u for ur always sweet comment! I can't wait to hear about ur weekend. I'm glad u were surrounded by lots of love! Each time I look at ur pictures I see nothing but love and support from Steve, ur family and friends! U are sooooo lucky to have such an amazing group of people. Have I ever told u that u rock Maria??? :) cuz u do!! :)

KERRY said...

I hope one day your dream comes true...I hope that the day you stop thinking about it is the day it will happen, like some kind of weird magic. Until then, try and remain positive (which you sound as though you are) and don't give up xo

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