Desperate - 1.} reckless from despair
2.} having an urgent need or desire
Yesterday, marked one year since our first appointment with our fertility doctor. We had been trying naturally already for a year. My third miscarriage had just ended and I was...desperate. Desperate for answers. Desperate for a baby. Desperate for a ticket off the roller coaster.
Another year has passed. Lots of questions have been answered. A fourth and fifth loss took place. A ticket off that roller coaster would be wonderful.
And a baby...well, that would be AMAZING.
Not feeling desperate...
It's been one of the toughest parts of this journey.
There's danger in frustration"
Ain't that the truth.
If I had to write down all the instances of pure insanity...
Instances that occurred out of the DEEPEST of frustrations
Ones that got the best of me and the best of Steve, along this journey...
Well, then it'd take days to read this post.
A few weeks ago, I posted about my birthday. The few weeks surrounding that day were really, really tough for me. I wanted so badly to concentrate on the good. And I did, to the best of my ability. But there was such pain. Not because I was a year older. But because I was so damn frustrated. I was busy looking at what could have been. I was apprehensive to let my mind imagine as to what could come of this next year. I was busy thinking how I'd get through if I got yet another negative. (which, I did, and look, I'm still alive...it's not the end of the world)
I didn't write of the sad times. I didn't post pictures of my mascara encrusted face in between the laughter and smiles. Because, when I look back and remember, it was a beautiful, bittersweet time. Add up the happy and sad and it was...
a HAPPY birthday.
I shared my tears with friends, family and my husband. I remembered the loss I went through during last year's birthday. I felt a million different feelings all at once.
And then, I let my frustrations get the best of me. I had a few big hideous cries. I had a few big hideous moments. In my despair, I picked up a bowl of potpourri that decorates our dining room table and decided it'd look better if I twirled it around in a rage, and watched as it covered the floor. I whimpered and sobbed like a maniac as I went to pick it back up .2 seconds later. I huffed and puffed through the living room, with my arms flailing back and forth like a steroid induced WWF wrestler.
But you know what,
I don't want to be a WWF wrestler. I don't want to be so frustrated.
And, here we are again. Trying time. The time that can make me kinda CRAZY(CRAZIER).
Something's changed this cycle. Something good.
I don't feel so frustrated. I really, really don't.
I feel calm.
We feel calm.
I'm gonna take it while I can.
I didn't pull out my "bag of tricks" from last month.
Okay, well one...the ovulation tests. Hey, I had leftovers.
I don't feel the pressure to "take care of business" every single day.
I didn't get a positive on Wednesday morning. I didn't get a positive yesterday morning. And last night, after spontaneous "taking care of business", I had all the signs of ovulating. I decided to use my last test, and there it was...a nice big smiley! I got teary eyed. I am right now. Not because I ovulated. I know I do each cycle. But, because I felt so happy. To not feel pressured. To just feel "normal" during a time that usually doesn't go as planned. To know, hey, we did it (no pun intended) and we didn't even have to "try".
It felt like it should.
I'm feeling strong. I'm feeling positive. I'm feeling more alive.
I'm taking things in more...
Are there still tears? Of course. It's me we're talking about here.
But there are flecks of something in the air this month...
I'm feelin' it more and more.
Bits of peace.
You know I couldn't leave without a few pictures
Me and Kelly
me and vanessa
Life IS good.
Peace, my friends...