Thursday, May 24, 2012

Jar Of Hearts

"Jar of Hearts" - Christina Perri

Thank you, all. For everything...
For blessing us with genuine and caring support. For the never-ending prayers and words of encouragement. For being real and true and kind.  And for holding onto hope and faith right along with us. You truly brightened some of my darkest times.
We are so touched and inspired by the love you've shown us throughout it all.

It's early.  My eyes are tired.  My head is telling me to go back to sleep.  But my heart...
It's still awake.
   The past ten days have chipped away at my mind, body and soul in ways that are so familiar and yet, still seem so foreign to me at times...
A new kind of heartache - challenging us and requiring infinite energy and more time to heal.

Friday's appointment threw so much at us in just thirty short minutes. 
I felt numb through the bloodwork and ultrasound.  My body did its best to protect me, I guess.
The screen showed the same image as last Monday.  Only, a little more growth from the yolk sac, and bloodwork results that proved a miracle wasn't happening this time.  I didn't cry.  I didn't even feel like I could.  I just wanted off the bed and back into my clothes.  I wanted to talk to our doctor.

I took a deep breath before we walked into his office.  The first thing I had to ask was, again, "So, you truly believe this was just shitty luck with the donor?  A problem with the embryo and not with me?"
Yes. And Yes.
I've had every single test run two, sometimes three times in the past few years.  All the procedures came back negative for any abnormalities.  And this pregnancy was different than the past six.  Though it may not appear so, it didn't end before it began like the others.  My body accepted the donor sperm and produced progesterone and hcg like it never has before.
Take away the doubt that sneaks in, and I truly trust that it was just a fluke.
I trust our doctor.  I trust my heart.  I trust my faith.
I have to.

But there's a lot that's still being processed.  It has been a struggle to feel sane.  It's so trying -
being given so much information for the future...the near future...
 all while going through this loss.

Friday, I was given the pills to induce the miscarriage.  I had the choice to start them Friday, Saturday, or Sunday night.  I chose Saturday.  I needed the rest of Friday to feel as normal as it could feel. 
Saturday, I woke up angry.  Angry for what was to come and angry for what was already stripped away from us.  I went out to clean.  Steve offered to help.  I was going to take him up on it until I realized how much I just wanted to be alone and quiet with my thoughts.  It was haunting me - knowing that later on I would have to take those pills.

I called my mom.  I cried to heart head pounding.
We cried together.  Her repeating, "Please, just don't ever give up."
I promise, I won't.  Never, will I ever give up.

There's a list of positives I've been carrying with me the last ten days.
More truth that has weaved its way into this chaos.
I'll get to them all over the next few weeks/months, but right now, the positive I focus on is -
 the drive in me.

Looking at me right now, you'd see a tired girl.  A girl who sits drained, with messy hair, wearing one of her husband's old work shirts with granny panties and what might as well be a diaper.
But there's drive in me.
I lost a part of me on Sunday morning.
But I'm still alive.  And the memories - happy and sad - none will be forgotten.
 I don't want to forget.

Saturday night, we celebrated my mom's birthday.  We followed my brother to his gig, talked and ate while Nicholas sang and strummed his guitar in the background.  As much as my mom told me we could do it another time, I knew getting out and spending time with her was a good decision.  It was comforting.
But then the end of the night came.  And the drive home went quickly.  My stomach was in knots.
I showered and crawled into bed with Steve.  Hearing our doctor's instructions echo loud and clear in my head.  I was to take two pills right before bed and two more the following night.  Not orally.
It was disturbing and traumatizing to an extent.
I took them, staring at Steve the whole time, wide-eyed and disgusted.
I knew when I woke up, things would be different.  I would no longer be pregnant.  My doctor said they worked fast.  He wasn't lying.  I woke up a little after 4 a.m. with cramping but no bleeding...dreaming crazy dreams, in and out of sleep.

I got up and out of bed after 9 and as soon as my feet hit the floor,
I began to miscarry.  I switched between hanging out in the bathroom, trying to nap, and lying on our couch watching dumb movies with Steve.  I was a vision with my hair in some kind of hideous, disheveled side ponytail, wearing a long red skirt hiked up over my boobs.  I was a zombie.  A sad and too - tired - to - cry - zombie.

But the tears flowed and flowed this week.  We had another appointment on Monday.  More bloodwork and an ultrasound to see if I passed what I needed to.  I knew I did on Sunday, literally, during my first trip to the bathroom.  So, I wasn't surprised to see an empty screen.  The nurse said my lining was still pretty thick and to expect a decent amount of bleeding to come.  I can handle the bleeding, even the cramping, that, for some reason got a bit extreme the past few days.  But it hurts like hell - the constant reminder everytime I go to the bathroom. 
The reminder that I'm losing yet again.
I left feeling more exhausted.

As far as the next steps discussed at our past two appointments...I will get to them in the coming weeks.  I'm trying my best to focus on the now and feel this through.  I don't want the new information, somewhat unexpected and overwhelming, to take away from grieving.
 One day at a time, right?!
We go back on Monday, June 4th.  Because it's going to take some time for my the bleeding to stop and the hcg to leave my system.  It wasn't doubling appropriately, but it still was rising up until Friday.

Grieving.  I'm glad I'm doing it.  I need to grieve.  To cry out loud in pain and anger and hurt.
I wake up and I punch the pillows beside me and beg for it to not be true.  My eyes well up and I choke back the big tears and save them for my drives, my showers, my nights.
I have to keep going.  I have to keep living.
It took a few days, but once it set in - that something I loved deeply was taken away from me...
I ached terribly.

Monday and Tuesday were bad.  Steve would come home from work, hide behind his video games, or a few beers and a cigar and do everything in his power to avoid discussing it.  I have to agree with the fact that sometimes, really, what is there to say?  But it hurt that I felt as if I had to keep my mouth shut and not disturb him.  It hurt because I feel like sometimes Steve takes for granted what my body, hormones and heart are going through.  Even though I know those aren't his intentions.
 It hurt because, I know my husband.  I know him inside and out. 
I know he was/is hurting.  Possibly worse than me. 
I know he was/is scared.  Possibly worse than me.
I was reminded of a time, almost a year and a half ago, when Steve and I were at our wit's end with where we were at in our journey.  A time where Steve did his best to disguise himself as a man without emotions...a man who didn't want to face the cards we were dealt.
I know we're so far past all of that.  It's something I'm thankful for. And proud of.
It took our marriage to a place so beautiful.

So, on Tuesday night, when Steve came home late after hanging out with a friend, feeling good and acting free and stung.  I was so happy he opened up and confided in someone.  But, I was also part envious of the fact that he could even stomach a drink.  And mostly angry that I knew the night held no chance for an intimate talk, yet again.  It's the toughest times in life when we want the ones we love most
 close to us.
We began arguing.  Arguing became yelling.  Yelling about nonsense.  Stuff like, what channel he was going to hide behind this time.  I could feel the tears coming.  I just wanted to be close to him.  I didn't want to fight.  I wanted to tell him how much I loved him and how sad it made me to know, without question, how torn he was inside.  I wanted him to let go. 
But, he didn't.  Instead, he gave me attitude right back.
So, I did the logical thing...
And threw a slice of pepperoni pizza in his face.

Yep, a cheesy, fresh, greasy, slice of desperation.
 Honestly, it felt glorious.
Immature and insanely hormonal, but glorious.  Because, it did something.  It woke him up.
It woke me up too.  It snapped us back to the big picture.
This is not how it should be.  This is not how it will be.  We are bigger than this.
Steve always said he didn't want "this" to dictate our lives. 

It's so hard.  Sometimes there are no words to try and explain exactly what all this feels like.  But, I can say with 200% certainty, going back to the positives and drive...

There is a strength inside me...inside my husband...inside our marriage,
that we have come to know and embrace.  A strength that comes from a blend of heartache and hard and beautiful lessons. 
I don't want to lose that strength.  I don't want us to lose that strength.
I won't allow it.
I didn't come all this way to give up.

It's not fair.  But, life isn't about being fair.  I've made peace with the fact that you don't always get answers to all your questions. 
And this path we're on...we're on it for a reason...and though we may never know exactly why all this has to happen, there's something that I won't ever stop believing...

I'm meant to be a mother.  Steve's meant to be a father.  We are destined to be parents.

And though, right now, I feel like I got run over by a truck ten times in a row...
And Steve is feeling overworked and tired...and currently pressing the snooze button one last time...

We are stronger.

We are in this together.

And nothing can take that away.


Jar Of Hearts
Christina Perri

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore?
You lost the love I loved the most
I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I've learned to live, half-alive
Now you want me one more time
Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

Dear, it took so long
Just to feel alright
Remember how to put back
The light in my eyes
I wish I had missed
The first time that we kissed
'Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back you don't get to get me back
Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?


I'll be back in a few days.
I promise, I'll take it easier on the length and add some of my beloved photos.

Thank you, from the both of us.

Never, ever give up.

Strong Lovin',


Kathy Radigan said...

Oh sweetie!! I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. I remember the gut wrenching pain of going through miscarriage after miscarriage and the feeling that this just wasn't going to work combined with my overwhelming desire to be a mother. As you know I did end up becoming a mother, three times! The painful road we traveled was not forgotten but I did realize that it did bring a strange gift. Both Joe and I appreciated and loved every moment in a way that I don't think we would have without going through all we did! Much love to you!!

MrsV said...

Oh Maria I am so sorry you guys are going through this, that you had that glimpse of this dream taken so quickly. You are so strong, even if it doesn't feel like it right now, you and Steve will make it through this, and you will become parents. I dont know anyone who deserves this dream more than you guys<3
Oh and the line when you threw the pizza at his face. Loved it. It brought a huge smile to my face, even laughed a little out loud. Sometimes you just gotta throw stuff ;)
oxo V

Maria said...

Still sending you lots of love.
Your rainbow is coming... <3

lovejoy_31 said...

There are no words that will help, but know that you are loved and prayed for. Call me anytime....

Judy Haughton-James said...

Hi Maria,
Again I must say how sorry I am that you have had to face this situation again. I am praying for you and Steve and know that things are going to work out some way for you both to become parents. I wish your mom many more birthdays. I know this past one must have been a difficult one. Life is filled with so many challenges but keep on keeping on and you will overcome. Take care and I send you lots of love, friendship and best wishes.

~Rian said...

You are amazing and so strong! Keep the faith, Maria, just like you are doing. You WILL be a mother!

Thank you also for your beautiful, kind words on my blog.

Always in my thoughts and prayers.

Melissa said...

Sending you massive hugs, thoughts, and prayers!

Katharine said...

I still wish I knew what to say. My heart is breaking for you guys. Sending you love and prayers! (((BIG, HUGE, SQUISHY HUGS))))

KERRY said...

This post was beautifully written Maria, despite all the hurt and pain you guys are enduring. You captured my heart from the very beginning.
You are an inspiring, strong woman allowing the positives to lurk whilst you grieve. I am pretty sure one slice of pizza throwing would not have sufficed for me :)
Strength within a marriage allows you to behave that way, because love far outweighs anything. After the storm will be a rainbow.
Again, I am so so sorry for your loss xoxo

M said...

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you...and sending prayers your way. Hoping that your strength can carry you through this rough time! Lots of hugs!

Nicole said...

You are such a beautiful and strong inspiration, I'm thinking of you Maria :)

Gumdrop Pass said...

You are so strong and so inspirational, Maria.

I sometimes and just sit here and think of how much your story and everything you've been through must, will, and has helped so many others out.

I sit here and read through your posts and know the heartache you're going through... but then I'm like -- no way! I can't know that! -- because our situations are so completely different. Yours is on an entirely different level, and that's when I'm like, "If she can be positive and find meaning within what she's going through, than I need to suck it up and do the same." Does that make sense? Probably not, lol, Sometimes when I'm reading what you write, I just feel like you've taken all of the hurt and confusion withing myself and made sense of it.

...I can SO relate to what you wrote about Steve and how he deals and heals... I think he and Jake are similar in that way, and at times it can be INFURIATING. Infuriating enough to throw perfectly delicious pieces of peperoni pizza in faces... :)

I wish you all of the strength and grace in the world -- and I know you'll get through this. And I know you'll never give up. And I know that the payoff is going to be such a blessing.

<3 thinking of you!!!

E and R said...

Again, I am so sorry you are going through this again. I hope your doctor has a good plan for going forward that you and Steve are both comfortable with. You continue to be in my prayers!
PS - love that you threw a piece of pizza at Steve - definitely a good way to get his attention! :)

Rebecca said...

Ohmigosh you threw a slice of pizza :) how I've always wanted to do something like that. I'm curious to hear what your DR thinks your next steps are. Will you try a new donor? Still praying for you :) and waiting for your next update. GL!

Remember - a spring baby would be the best :)

Ashley said...

You constantly amaze me with your strength and positivity through it all. I am glad you are taking the time to grieve for what you have lost. That is so important. Embrace every emotion and just go with it. I laughed a little when you said you threw the pizza because I would have done the same thing!
You guys are strong and will make it through this too.
I will keep praying and having faith for you two. :)

Lindsey said...

You are one of the strongest people I know. I am constantly praying for both of you and I'm sending you some tremendously Huge and crazy SQUISHY hugs <3

Irish Carter of Dedicated 2 LIFE said...


You touch so many hearts and so many people want great things for you and for you and Steve to find that dream of yours. I am still so sad and sorry for your loss. I wish I had words to make you feel better. Just know that you came into my mind several times this past week and you are in my prayers and wishes.

You are an extremely beautiful, inspiring and dedicated woman. So many are so lucky to have you come into their lives. I hope you lean on them during these times. Include me in that group. I will keep you in my prayers.

Hugs to you.


Olivia- wife. mother. photographer. said...


You will get through this, you will... hold on!

Thanks for your kind words on my blog, you are a great friend.

I'll pray for peace and healing,
thinking of you,

Krystyn said...

You are always in my thoughts and prayers Maria...and in my heart.

Kristina said...

Oh Maria!!! My heart just aches for you! Praying for you and thinking of you all the time! Such a beautiful post. Thanks so muc for sharing your heart! Xoxoxo

Karen Fieri said...

I've got a huge smile on my face that has tears running down it. I am smiling for your strength and laughing that you threw a pizza at Steve's face!! This is a huge trial the two of you are going through, and it is a beautiful story. A story about love, heartache and reality. You are such an inspiration!!

Jayme said...

Thinking of you!!!

waitingforarainbow said...

I agree with Mom. "Don't give up."
It's beautiful to me that you find positivity in the drive you have. You do have one hell of a drive, lady.
I'm so sorry that Steve shut you out like that. Ryan was always the same way when we lost. But it's always so amazing when they finally do come around.
You already know how sorry I am that you had to go through this again. Reading your story of exactly what you went through was hard. From having to take those pills, to wearing just a skirt over your boobs, and a side pony tail. I know what it's like to go through all of that. It's so unfair.
It's so shitty that you had bad luck with the donor. However, it's good news that that's all it was... bad luck. I am hoping and praying that June brings you new hope, and a miracle.

Heather @ A Little Hope in My Pocket said...

Maria, I love your honesty. Know that I am continuing to lift you up in prayer.

I also want to share this post with you. It was written by my co-worker and friend, and I balled when I read it.

Praying that you feel His grace.

Mrs. E said...

You never cease to amaze me with the strength of your faith and hope. I know I've said this before, but I mean it: I might be crying with you right now, but I am *so* certain that one day, I will get to celebrate with you, too. So much love heading your way! XOXOXOXO

Mrs. JRose said...

You have constantly been on my mind and I find myself thinking, "I hope she is doing okay. I hope she isn't in too much pain. I hope, I hope, I hope." I was so glad to read your blog. I am so sorry you had to go through the pain and heartache all over again, but I am glad you are recovering and I can't wait to read your upcoming blogs. Much love, Maria! :)

LOVE MELISSA:) said...

This was a really beautiful post and I really love this song. It will take time but I know you will come out on the other side and be even stronger than before. Anytime you want to talk, please call or text. Luv ya!!

Julie Marie said...

hey girl. i just found you in the blog hop... my heart is breaking for you. i havent read your whole story yet, only this one, but i grieve with you. i am so very sorry this road has been so difficult for you. i am praying for God's peace and comfort to be with you and your hubby. i dont have all the answers, but know i have been there to some degree. i have 2 miscarriages behind was midterm with a funeral service and everything, and it was the worst thing i could ever imagine. fast forward 10 years later...3 kids later...and and i never gave up, even when all my friends seemed to get pregnant and have their babies before i could even get pregnant again... i wrote a post on it, if you ever want to read it... my heart is with you..

Erin said...

Maria, beautiful Maria. I'm sorry for your loss, for your grief and your pain. Your faith and grace are an example of what it means to let go and let God. Sweet sister, as you walk this journey with Steve, God walks it with you and He will give you the strength to never give up! I stand with you in faith and believing that God has your lives in His hands. Grieve and cry and be angry, but never give up. I love you!

Bridget said...

Hi There,
I'm so so sorry you are going through this right now. Reading this really hit home for me. I've suffered from infertility and multiple losses and after 6 years I was blessed with my baby boy who is now 18 months. It will happen for you. Please don't loose faith.
Following you from What's cooking in the burbs. I found you through the bassgiraffe link up.

Heather Nelsen said...

Oh Maria. I feel like a terrible blogger friend ;) for just making my way through all of your posts. I have been out of the loop lately finishing up school, but am in tears reading your last few posts. Dear, I am so sorry for your loss. :/ It really breaks my heart. I love the song that you wrote out, and used to listen to it all the time in high school. What powerful lyrics. I believe 100% that the Lord has a plan for you guys and is breaking inside for the pain that you both are going through. I am praying for you guys and cannot wait to rejoice in the future when He does bless you with children. Thank you for your beautiful, refreshing honesty. You are amazing. I am praying for you!!

If you haven't already, read Heaven is for Real. If you haven't read it, email me your address and I will ship it to you. :) It is a beautiful story with a sweet reminder of the family that we'll get to see in Heaven one day, even the ones that are taken from us too soon.

Hang in there, dear. And you and Steve keep lovin each other the way you do. :)


Brittany said...

Oh Maria, I am so so so sorry. I've been a bad friend and haven't been keeping up with your posts...and it broke my heart to come across this one today. I feel deep pains in my chest aching for you and Steve...for all that you've lost. But I do have faith that God will give you your little miracle in His time. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to find the patience to wait for that, but I know how strong you are and that you are willing to do whatever it takes. I am so proud of you for giving yourself time to grieve...that is the most important thing you can do for yourself. I'm also glad you're eating lots of yummy foods (as usual!!) and still fixing up as beautiful as ever. You keep that chin up, sweet lady. You deserve it. You've earned it. Sending lots and lots of hugs and prayers your way for healing and time to work through this pain. Please send me an email anytime you need to chat or vent...they always make my day. Love to you and Steve!!!

Infertile625 said...

I am clinging to this post today. I find myself saying 'Maria did it. I can too.' Xoxo

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