Monday, May 28, 2012

Fix You

"Fix You" - Coldplay

"When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse"

It's been one hell of a month.
to pain and heartache...

I think about all that's taken place in the past two weeks,
and I get lost in it.
The mess.
The grief.
The truth.

And when I feel trapped and like I'm drowning in my emotions
to the point where I can barely breathe...

I exhale, and I concentrate on the truth.
Because, the truth of it is, no matter how difficult a day or night I'm having...

There is always love.

Like, a few happy weeks ago, on a Friday morning with Miss Chloe.

And an afternoon spent with her sister, mama, and Jessica.
We played hairdresser for a good hour.
Addison bedazzled my locks with every single one of her barrettes while Chloe beat my head furiously gently brushed my hair.

Jessica captured the perfect moment.

"Someone, stop her!  I asked for a simple ponytail...not this nonsense! "

Or like at Spiderman's Kristopher's birthday party.
Watching him make a wish...surrounded by friends...

never forgetting to suit up before each game.

Go Spidey!

I love Spidey's Mama.

I remember this night...

Our first (and last) real date while I was pregnant.  I loved telling Steve to have another beer or two because I would be driving us home.  I loved drinking glass upon glass of water and feeling sick that night.  I loved having the perfect view of my brother while we ate dinner.

It's emotional - to look at the photos above and the photos below. things can change in just a matter of a couple of days.

These girls took by far, one of the toughest days I've had in a long time
and helped me forget for the night. 

I felt horrible that we were supposed to be celebrating Jessica's birthday. I knew it was out of my control, but my heart sunk when I told her the news.  Unselfishly, she suggested we "bum it" and keep it low-key for the night.

On a rainy, gloomy, overall craptastic day,
These girls proved to me, yet again, just how bittersweet and beautiful life is...
defining friendship so amazingly.


A few days later, Jessica and I found ourselves walking the local fair.
We joked about our younger years as we watched teenagers be teenagers and little kids beg for one more ride.
I liked the colors...the lights...the smell of grease in the air.

I love this girl beside me.

I was tired and anxious for my appointment the next morning
 but I was happy. 
It was a breath of fresh air (okay, maybe not literally)
but I craved fun...I craved soaking up the night with my dear friend.
 I felt more at ease than I had all week.

So, I hopped aboard the "Crazy Bus."

I handed 3 tickets to the guy behind the gate, who smirked at me as he buckled me in
  while I cheered for getting the seat up front.
I looked down at Jessica snapping photos as I waved to her -"Hi Mom! Look at me, Mom! YAY!!"
while I cackled and laughed until my stomach hurt.

Sometimes, adrenaline and laughter combine to make the perfect medicine.

We worked up quite an appetite.
corn weenies in the night

The night was as sweet as our powdered fried oreos.

After Friday's appointment, Steve and I did our best to kinda pretend "it" wasn't happening.  We wanted it that way.  Steve had arranged to have off from work and for us to go with the flow that day.
We ended up at two ticket runs...(our second and third this month)...on a quest to win tickets to our local country radio station's concert.

It was hot and sticky.  There were a good 500 people there.  We sat.  We waited and hoped for our numbers to be called.  And then, we waited some more.

I'll give you one guess if we won or not...
Looks like we will be the suckers who buy them online from all the repeat winners. 

Mexican food saved the day...


Saturday night was tough.  It was the true beginning to the end.
But, the time with my mom...celebrating her birthday while my brother played...
sandwiched between her and Steve...

Was far from tough.

Hot stuff at 54.


After a few days of sulking, moping and living in the bathroom...
I needed that normalcy...that "get up and out of bed and face the world" feeling.
Breakfast at "old reliable" with Kelly and Chloe was the perfect start.

goofy with Mimi


Phillip Phillipppppps!

Breakfasts with Kim are always a mix of comical and emotional.
We like it that way.
And I look forward to our weekly dates.


My eyebrows were wolfin' and my bangs were shaggin'.   
I have Vania to thank for some major refreshing.

And her thoughtful gift.

 Mostly, though, for her sweet company on Friday.

Look, she matches the vase!


I'm thankful for date nights in, where Steve suggests watching a girly movie because he knows I won't ask otherwise. 
I'm thankful for the fluffy who doesn't leave my side.

I'm thankful for a spontaneous trip with the Mr. for all-you-can-eat crab legs.

We laughed (and ate) a lot this weekend.
We were us, and 
I'm so thankful for that.

I cried out in such a fury last week...
How nothing could make me feel better.
How nothing could help the pain go away.
No vacation, no drink strong enough, no amount of money or shopping spree
could heal this constant ache.

"And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?"

Yes, it could be so, so much worse.

It's the truth...
none of those things could ever truly come close to mending my broken heart.
In times like these, there never seems to be an easy fix.

But love...

It has a way of healing like no other.
And while I hurt like hell, I remember to love like crazy
and give thanks for these beautiful people placed in my life.

Thank you, everyone...
 for your generous compassion.
And for all the love you place in my life.

I'll be back before the weekend
with more from this past weekend.

Constant Lovin',


carlia said...

you've been on my mind and i'm so glad to see your post. you truly are amazing, the way you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and carry on. we should all take a page out of your book! big hugs to you!!!

stalley said...

Fix you is such a powerful song to describe the loss we've had--and the relationships to help pick us up to keep going. It is one of the songs that "defined" my periods of grief with both boys...and when I listen to it now, there is a bittersweetness there, and I can't stop the tears from coming. i am glad you have so many people supporting you and keeping you going--just one step in front of the other, one moment at a time (i found taking it a day at a time was just too much!).

Maria said...

I hope you saved me a seat on that Crazy Bus!

~Jess said...

Glad you're hanging in there and have such amazing love and support around you.

None of it takes away the pain, but it does help.


Adi said...

Oh Maria. I'm so sorry! I know that awful feeling of not seeing what you were hoping for on that screen. I don't need to tell you how to do this grieving - you have had way too much practice. Just know that I am thinking of you. That song helped me too.

Jenny said...

Wait, I need to go back and re-read this because you lost me at "powdered fried oreos" :) I'm so happy you have such great family and friends to help make you feel better. They all seem like an awesome group of people!

Judy Haughton-James said...

Hi Maria,
I am so happy to see all these beautiful pictures and your post. I admire the determination you have to fight on no matter what. It is so inspirational for me. You are blessed to have a wonderful husband and friends to help you along the way. Keep on keeping on. These days I keep remembering an inspirational message I saw in a book "It takes guts to come out of the ruts." I know good things are going to happen for you. I send you my thoughts, prayers, love, friendship and best wishes always.
Judy said...

You are so loved, but it is because of how genuinely you open your heart to others, and how you love them. Love is the greatest power. I pray your heart is healed a little more each day! Love and hugs, Kerstin

Virginia said...

Thank you for this. Xoxo

lovejoy_31 said...

Much love to you Miss Maria. You amaze me with your ability to still go out into the night to have fun even in the hardest of days. You are an inspiration because on those days, I hide and get into a really tight, safe caccoon.

Ashley said...

You have been in my thoughts quite often and I am glad to see pictures of you smiling. You have such an amazing support system and you are an inspiration to all of us with your never ending ability to look at the positive.

p.s deep fried oreos?! I need those.

Timmi said...

Hi There,
I'm stopping in from the Tuesday Train. I'd love a visit back :)
Tiffany Taylor

Katharine said...

It is so good to see you smiling! Still praying for you and Steve! (((hugs)))

Gumdrop Pass said...

You've been on my mind, and it's good to see what you've been up to! It seems like you've been LIVING and LOVING -- perfect! As usual, I love all of the food pictures and want to eat it all through my computer screen. :)

You've been and will be in my prayers. My heart is full of hope for you guys! <3

Mrs. E said...

SO much love heading your way. You continue to amaze and inspire me with your positivity and strength. I love you!! XOXOXO

Rachel said...

You are such a strong, amazing and wonderful woman. There is nothing I can say to take the pain away but I want you to know how very sorry for your loss. I am so glad you have a great support system who is there for you to make you smile, if only for a moment in these hard times. Sending you lots of love BIG HUGS!!

KERRY said...

Hey pretty lady I am so happy to see the two of you out and about having some much needed fun with good friends and crazy buses and always the most delicious looking food. Now I want a corn dog Maria!!
"Don't you know, don't you know, things will change, things will go your way, if you hold on for one more day, things will go your way...hold on for one more day"
Although the entire song doesn't fit your scenario, these words made me think of you xo

Olivia said...

Your photos had me laughing... especially spiderman and the photo of the girls brushing your hair, oh and the crazy bus :)

And it's good to see you smile. You deserve happiness, you deserve so much! You are so beautiful Maria, inside and out :)

Jayme said...

So, so happy to see your face smiling!

Witty Infertility said...

First, this song makes me want to put on a flowy white linen dress and float around a meadow somewhere near Kentucky. So there's that.

More importantly, I want to tell you that I am in awe that you can even get dressed and participate in life right now. Of course, I continue to look for updates here, but then when I see one I am like "wait a minute, how is she posting this right now?" Let alone posting coherently and with the grace of someone from a royal family. Maria I feel for you deeply, as do the countless other people that have been following you on this (so far) bumpy journey. I am humbled that you have such strength to come here and give updates AND that you don't seem to let a single post of mine go without a genuine, heart-felt comment. I feel like petitioning Webster to ask about adding your picture next to the word Strength.

I hope the last half of your week includes more love that you ever thought possible. Sending you all the love I can from here!



Julie Marie said...

this post makes me so sad and so happy.. i loved looking at all your pics, but my heart feels such sadness for you.. you are beautiful, girl... praying for you..

Cami said...

you are so beautiful. you know that, right? inside and out.
i love your friends. they are wonderful! they were made for you <3
i'm thankful you have them.
spiderman is oh so cute.
i am glad..happy..that you are feeling some sort of "contentment" with love...because we all love you - we truly do! you deserve to be happy, my gorgeous friend <3 wishing you another day full of a whole lot of love!! ox

Moosey Mommy said...

You are so blessed with such wonderful family and friends. It makes me happy to see the strong friendships you have and all the fun you have! I know you are going through a hard time, but never forget the blessing of close friends and family.

Kristina said...

xoxo said...

Oh Maria you have been in my thoughts so much.
I want the sick feeling in your stomach to be gone. We know it all too well.
On the days that you don't want to put on your strong face for the world you and your Mom should come visit me and Alexis.
We can cry, scream, cuss at the top of our lungs and put on mascara until we feel better! Okay, and maybe sneek a couple of big life isn't fair margaritas in there.
Big hugs to you Maria
Love Michele

M said...

I'm a little behind commenting on here, but I have been thinking about you guys and sending prayers.

Thanks for sharing your beautiful photos! I'm glad to see that you are spending quality time with those you love...that makes all the difference!

Jessah @ Dreaming of Dimples said...

Just found your blog and admire your strength. I'll be following along and sending positive thoughts your way.

waitingforarainbow said...

Hey lady! Glad to see you smiling. I know I say it a lot, but I admire your incredible strength. I know exactly what you meant about loving being able to tell steve to keep drinking beers as you chugged water. It's the little things like that, that I'd always miss too.
You have such amazing friends! It's rare to have friends that awesome. I wish I could have friends like that!! You are very blessed, and so are they.
Haha and those little girls pulling at your hair is adorable. They look like they're growing up so fast!
That crazy bus looks like a riot. I can't believe you were the only one on it! Didn't it feel good to just go crazy, and be able to laugh, and have some fun? :)
You and steve look so cute in your sun glasses, thats a total bummer that you didnt win. I'm so confused by how you win though??
Hes such a cute mr. letting you watch girly movies with him, and taking you out on all those yummmy dates! You're very right, you'll always have love:)
Hope you have an amazing weekend!
Xoxo heather

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