"When You Love Someone" - Bryan Adams
The past few days have been emotional. The week started off great. Monday was gorgeous and 80 degrees. We had friends over and Steve grilled for the first time this year. I was happy and enjoying myself. Then, Tuesday came...the rain and clouds seemed to paint my mood for the day. I did have a nice visit with my friend, Kerry and her baby...but I had alot on my mind the whole day. I knew I wanted to test and see if I was pregnant...and I knew that if I got a negative, it would not only sadden me, but Steve as well. Yesterday was Steve's birthday. He told me on Tuesday night, all he wanted was to see me happy and for us to be pregnant. I so badly wanted to give both of those gifts to him. On Tuesday I was 11 days past ovulation and was doing well with not testing yet. Usually, I test as soon as I think I have the slightest of symptoms. I am what the pregnancy forum world refers to as a pee-on-a-stick-aholic. I totally fall for their gimmicks and buy the First Response pregnancy tests...the ones that claim to tell you 6 days early. Normally, by now, I would have tested a million and one times. I woke up yesterday (2 days early/12 days past ovulation) and tested, in hopes that I would get a positive and be able to surprise Steve for his birthday. I knew that the test would be about 90% accurate at this point and I honestly thought I would see two lines (indicating I was pregnant)...instead, I saw one ugly, little line, staring right back at me...what women trying to conceive refer to as the "bfn"...big fat negative...though, I could think of another "F" word to replace "fat". ;)
I got another negative today and I am due to start my cycle tomorrow. Whenever I see that one line, my heart just aches. It's such a let down...especially when I know it's accurate and I'm not testing too early. I guess I can't complain as far as getting pregnant goes. The most it's ever taken Steve and I are two cycles. My doctor told us in December it wasn't normal how easily we were getting pregnant, especially with the chromosome inversion. He said, he didn't see how we could keep having such luck with getting pregnant so quickly...because eventually, my body would "get smart" and recognize as to what is a good match and what is a bad one. Maybe, it's getting smart...maybe it's not...maybe it just didn't happen this time. This was 2 cycles for us. One of the hardest parts about our situation is, we know, even if we get pregnant...we have a high chance, it's not going to make it. So all of the times I get that negative and I don't get pregnant, it just prolongs everything even more.
Because for us, getting pregnant has only meant one thing so far...that we are pregnant for now, but not for long...and every time we are, it ends, and we start all over again...and again...
I wrote Steve an email at work yesterday...told him without saying it, that I got a negative...told him I loved him and wanted nothing more, than to give him a glimmer of hope for his birthday...to give him what he truly wanted...a family...a happy wife...a truly content us...a "normal" life. He told me he knew I wasn't pregnant by the words in the email, that he was crushed but that he was so happy he had me. And, that made me sad and angry at the same time...because it was his birthday and I didn't feel like it was...because I didn't feel like he "had me"...I wasn't me yesterday...I was a grumpy girl...I was feeling blahhh...Steve is so busy at work right now and we knew yesterday wasn't going to be a day of true celebration...we ordered chinese food and watched tv...we did fall asleep together...at the same time...something I know, Steve was happy about...because lately, I rarely can fall asleep at a normal hour.
We have alot to talk about with our doctor. I will call tomorrow when they expect to hear from me. When I'm not pregnant, they usually will call in the clomid prescription for me and tell me to come in on day 12 for a mid-cycle scan. Last appointment, our doctor told us he was thinking of taking me off of clomid for a bit, as I've been on it for a half a year now and it can have adverse effects. He gave us alot of information and advice that he said we'd talk about once we found out if I got pregnant this time. He told us we didn't have to keep on this route if we chose. He talked about other options...options Steve and I have thought about for a while now.
This morning, my eyes opened at 5am...it was quite a change waking up at that time...when sometimes I'm just falling asleep, then. Steve was awake too. He knew I was before I even said anything. He pulled me close and said, "I love you, Maria...so, so much and I'm so sorry we're going through this"...There were tears...they were good tears...the kind that speak for you...we both were feeling exactly the same and didn't have to say a thing. He told me we didn't have to go again this cycle, if I wasn't ready to. He told me we could be done with this way, for good and move onto other options, if that's what we decided. It was wonderful to hear him say that...it was wonderful to feel him truly mean it...but I know deep down inside, we both have the fire to go at least one more time. It might sound crazy but it's what I feel...I know I have it in me. Once I see that negative, I have a day or two of gloom and I'm ready to pick myself up and get going again. It definitely gets harder each time and we know we can't do this for much longer. We know if it just doesn't work out for us this way, we will close this chapter and move on to the next. I'm not going to make any promises that I can keep on like this if we don't fall pregnant soon, but I'd like to think I can go again till I am pregnant a sixth time. Whatever the outcome, we will be able to feel at peace with this chapter. I will be able to move onto the next without hesitation...and Steve will be able to too. This is the best gift I can give to him right now...the gift of love...the gift of hope...the gift of sacrifice...the gift of taking chances that are worth taking...because "When you love someone...
You'll do anything
You'll do all the crazy things
that you can't explain" - Bryan Adams (When You Love Someone)
"When you love someone - you'll sacrifice
You'd give it everything you got and
you won't think twice
You'd risk it all - no matter what may come
When you love someone"
We have a lot of things to look forward to this this weekend! Steve's busy season is coming to an end at work and we will have alot more time to focus on us and all that is going on. We are celebrating his birthday the way it truly should b celebrated and I am excited for that. I'm not letting that one line get me down this weekend. For now, I'm going to be the happy girl, that I am more days, than I am not...I'm going to be thankful for the strength that still remains and keep on loving and living the best way I know how...
"When you love someone you'll feel it deep inside
And nothin' else can ever change your mind
When you want someone - when you need someone
When you love someone"
Some pictures from this week ...
Vanessa and Doug <3
Steve and I <3
Muffin keeping me company while I blog
Earlier, I opened up one of the leftover fortune cookies from dinner last night...I'm following the cookie's advice.
"Organize your life around your dreams-and watch them come true <3