Thursday, April 7, 2011

That Kind Of Love

"Alison Krauss" - That Kind of Love

It wasn't easy...but I am so glad I did it. I am so glad I posted my first blog and put it out there without any privacy. I did it because it just felt good. It felt right...and I know it will, always. I don't expect everyone to read it and I don't expect everyone to understand or relate. So many women go through experiences like mine...probably most, not the exact situation, but if even in the smallest of ways, some days people pass by a post of mine and feel comfort in's gotta be a good thing. To everyone who took the time to read my first everyone who didn't "judge a book by it's cover"...thank you so very much! Your words are comforting and I appreciate all of them!

"That Kind of Love"...another Alison Krauss song, is one of my favorites. I had a feeling another one of her songs would be in my next post. Not every day (every post) will be a country song...(I bet alot of readers will be thankful for that :P ). Not every day will be an Alison Krauss song...but everyday, will be a song. And, not every post will be completely about our situation...because that is not all that defines us. I listen to alot of music throughout the day. As I mentioned in my previous post, I'm a cleaning lady. I do alot of driving on the days I clean. If it wasn't for music, I wouldn't like driving as much as I do. I do some of my best thinking and sorting things out when I'm in my car. I have so many cds that I've burned over the years. I laugh at how the songs can change on one cd from alison krauss to eminem to yes, even miley cyrus! ("it's the climb, baby!")lol. The reason they are on that cd is because in whatever way, at the time when I burned it, all of those songs helped me feel what I was feelin'...

"Who would sell their soul for love?
Or waste one tear on compromise
Should be easy enough
To know a heartache in disguise
But the heart rules the mind
And the going gets rough
Pride takes the fall
When you find that kind of love" - Alison Krauss(That Kind of Love)

Today, I'm feelin' this heart is ruling my mind as it does often. I'm fighting the urge to think about everything and wonder if I'm pregnant or not. It's way too early to tell but that's never stopped my mind heart before. It's too early to test and I am promising myself I'm not going to until at least sometime next week. I always compare when to test with last Spring, when I found out I was pregnant the second time, unknowingly with twins. I got a positive pregnancy test 6 days past ovulation!! I didn't know how that was possible being the doctors tell you to wait till 14 days after ovulation. It was the fact that there were two in there...therefore alot more pregnancy hormone (hcg) was being produced. Taking these fertility drugs and being told how many viable eggs we have each cycle really messes with my head. I had three eggs last Friday, so in our heads, and our wildest dreams, we're thinking, "3 eggs = 3 babies"! :) Each cycle, our doctor hopes for me to get pregnant with more than one baby...that if even not all survive, it ups our odds that one will. In our case, 3 babies in one pregnancy is the equivalent to 3 pregnancies or 3 chances in only one try that the DNA will "get it right". After our iui on Friday, our doctor told us, "You guys need a date night...go out and forget about all this for a bit." He told us to enjoy the weekend and have a couple drinks...that we could "party like rock stars" and not to worry that a couple drinks would affect the procedure, because it wouldn't. We took his advice and had a date night over the weekend. It felt good to hear Steve say, "Let's go out tonight, hun"...and it felt good because I really wanted to. I wanted to go out and just be us...I wanted to not have to talk about everything. I wanted to talk about nothing...people watch at a bad-for-me food and just relax with the man I love...and, it was that kind of night . My doctor also told me to stop worrying that running is going to ruin my chances or odds. He told me he knew I stopped running because of everything and that he wanted me to start again...for me...for stress relief and to just do something I love. My mom and I went running the other night and it felt wonderful. I felt refreshed. I felt strong. I felt like me again.

Steve takes a pic of me before every iui, while we wait...3rd iui...wouldn't it be nice if this was the last!

Mom and I after our run @ Dunkin' Donuts, grabbing some coffee for our walk back <3

Steve and I @ Brickside Grill <3

Muffin always greets us when we come home. This is her, "where the heck have you been?", face :)

Twinkie McTubby fighting for some treats!

Me and Steve...looks like that lemondrop martini did the trick for me! ;)

We all have our days when our minds and hearts run wild. I'm in a place right now where I realize that it's okay for me to let go and feel crazy when I need to. I'm in a place where I'm not beating myself up for feeling any certain way at all. I'm telling myself to enjoy the days of waiting and wondering because at least they are less painless than other days. I'm going to go out tonight...have a girl's night and relax...enjoy the company of a friend...
and just be me. <3

There are and will always be some days that I can't help but think about it all...some days that I barely do...other days that I can't seem to run from it and some nights it will be all I dream about...but things are getting better, our minds are becoming clearer, our hearts more open each day and like the lyrics to this song...

"But if it's only tears and pain
Isn't it still worth the cost
Like some sweet saving grace
Or a river we must cross"

It IS so worth the cost...all the ups and downs...all of the what if's...all of the tears and the end of the day I can smile because we found that kind of love...Steve and I have that kind of love. <3


XtOphY Design Studio said...

i love you guys so much!!!! this blog is so wonderful, and literally reaches in and touches my soul. of course, i'm crying, but they're tears of all kinds. keep doing what you are doing <3

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