"Patience" - Guns N' Roses
Tonight, Steve and I clinked hefty glasses of homemade sangria to new beginnings and taking chances. We talked over a fancy dinner of hot dogs off the grill, baked beans, and pickles. We took deep breaths and savored the peace of the night as we shared our feelings on what's coming our way.
It's hours later, and as I sit here eating a second hot dog,
covered in mustard and wrapped in a tortilla (the hot dog, not me)...
I breathe in peace.
I breathe in the sweet blessing of patience and its rewards.
My period arrived today.
It's funny how it works in this journey of trying to conceive. You're either crying painful tears when old Aunt Flow arrives, or you're rejoicing at the gift of another try.
Today, I did a happy dance. It came a good 5-6 days earlier than our doctor expected, but I'm not complaining. I am rejoicing.
It's one day short of exactly a month since our last miscarriage.
These past four weeks threw every emotion under the sun at us.
Some days, I felt crazy and out of control. Some days, I felt crazy for not feeling crazy.
Sometimes, I'd be doin' just fine and then, it would hit me...
The hurt. The ache of my tired body begging for rest. The questions. The emptiness.
The longing to still be pregnant.
But mostly, what ate away at me the past few weeks, was the heavy decision only Steve and I held the answer to -
What approach we wanted to take with this next cycle.
Before I even miscarried, the day we sat in our doctor's office discussing what sadly was to come,
he voiced his thoughts on possibilities for our future cycle.
During the next appointment, he brought up the use of injections...the use of gonadotropins paired with Clomid and a trigger shot. He explained his theory in it all - that he sees extra promising results if we could "get pregnant with twins" because "there's a science to it all with them helping each other along" and that the combination of the injections and Clomid would stimulate both my pituitary gland and my ovaries.
We sat and listened. Me, looking right at him, nodding my head and trying not to crap my pants.
It was a lot to take in, especially with everything we had going on.
I thought about how I love my doctor and his way of never sugar coating anything...always taking it up a notch if success was not achieved.
But, I also thought about how I got pregnant with Steve 6 times and the donor, once. How there is still so much hope with the donor. And how, even though sometimes it's hard to believe - I am fertile. Somtimes, very fertile.
It seemed a little extreme. And where I'm usually an "all or nothing" type of girl,
I felt we needed to find a balance in it all.
At that very moment, I tied on my cape and tried my best to play Superwoman. I told him I'd be game for it. I told him I could handle the possible effects...hyperstimulation and/or a higher chance for more than a singleton or twins. I told him I could handle the hard decisions if we ended up with very high multiples.
And I told him I could again, at our next appointment.
But something didn't feel right.
And the days passed, and time ran its course.
Patience takes time. Time grows our patience.
Tonight, I give thanks for the gift of patience. I'm grateful I listened to my heart. I'm thankful for all those times I'd spontaneously cry out loud in such hurt and despair in these past couple weeks.
They led me to this past Friday. I stayed up late Thursday night. I prayed and found I didn't need to think about it any longer. I had my answer. Steve watched it consume me during so many unexpected times this past month. We talked about our options until there was nothing left to say. Steve genuinely wanted to do whatever I wanted to do. And, I guess that's a blessing in disguise. Because where I didn't feel like I was any closer to my decision, he knew that it was my body...and that I would figure it out in time.
I woke up Friday and told Steve I was at peace with it all and that I wanted to try "the happy medium" we had talked about.
I spent the day at my friend, Kim's, parents' house. We swam, soaked up the sun (and some clouds) and enjoyed a much needed relaxing end to the week. Just as we were cracking up that the same song came on for a third time in a row on her Ipod, I heard my phone ring. I jumped out of the pool to answer. It was Steve. He did me the favor of calling the office to see what our doctor's thoughts were on our "happy medium."
It being - no injections, but a dose higher of Clomid and only Clomid...with the trigger shot.
Our doctor approved.
And in that moment, I was again reminded of the gift of patience.
I instantly breathed easier. Instantly felt lighter. But mostly, knew I made the right decision for us this cycle. No matter what the outcome...pregnant/not pregnant. Singleton/twins/quintuplets...
At the end of the day, it's not in our hands.
That was a big helper in making my decision.
The rest of the weekend was free of the heavy and full of the happy.
Kim and I took in a few more hours of hopping in and out of the water...dancing to her awesome mix of Dolly Parton and Pitbull...and laughing hysterically with her mom.
We are not naked.
See, told ya.
Saturday, Steve and I had lunch on the deck, compliments of my mom.
She sent me home Friday night with these bowls of healthy stuff.
We enjoyed one of the last few days of perfect weather before the heat and humidity really kick in.
The fluffingtons even came out for a bit.
mug from my mama
I had a mini photo session with my friend and next door neighbor, Stephanie.
How cute is she (and Roscoe)?! She's expecting twins this fall.
I can't wait to meet those little munchkins.
Steve and I spent all afternoon lounging around playing the "What do you want to do? I don't know...What do you want to do?" game. After going back and forth and declaring our bored-ness until almost 6 o'clock, I finally announced a revelation...
"I know what we need to do! Have kids! Then, we'll never be bored."
Steve looked at me and we both laughed out loud, maybe got a little teary-eyed, hugged and realized we needed to get our butts in gear and get out and enjoy this "calm before the storm."
We got ready quickly and headed out.
And just like times in this journey,
we didn't know exactly where we were going, but at least we were on the road...
and ready to be taken somewhere.
Not even ten minutes into our drive, Steve got me to stop pecking away at my phone and look ahead.
There, straight ahead, was a mini rainbow peeking through the clouds. Even with there being no rain that day. I've got to believe it was a sign of good things to come.
Do you see it?
Soon after, we found another "rainbow."
In case you didn't know, mexican food is good luck too.
You want to make me happy...give me a tub of guacamole and trio of enchiladas smothered in mole sauce.
Add my Mr. and a beautiful night...and you've got an extra happy girl.
Steve, you're kinda scaring me with that creepy face.
Mr. impressed me and went crazy with his portion.
All night, we joked about how we couldn't wait to get home to the cats. Yes, we are those kind of crazy cat people. But, we had a reason. On our way out of CVS, I spotted
dog cat beds on sale for $9.99. How could we resist? All we needed was one more to make our collection complete.
Chibbs was mad at me. He asked for more treats. Not another bed.
Twinkie and Muffin gave it a whirl and instantly loved it.
And then, Muffin put Mr. Chibbs in his place.
Um, I love this photo.
Princess Moofin' Stoof
Sunday, we celebrated Father's Day all afternoon at my Dad's.
We ate. We all got more than our allowed daily intake of mayonnaise. We laughed at old stories.
Steve played copycat.
Brigid and I cracked up at the old men and snapped photos.
And then, took a few more once they woke up.
Happy Father's Day.
I called the doctor's office this morning to let them know about good old Flow. I start Clomid on Wednesday and finish on Sunday.
Our bloodwork and ultrasound/monitoring appointment is next Friday. And in just a few weeks, we will back HERE. Ready for another IUI.
Ready to put our hope and faith in full gear.
Remembering to never give up and always keep going.
Because, just when you think you've got not an ounce of patience left...
There it is.
It's all around you.
Believe in it.
"Take it slow and it'll work itself out fine.
You and I'll just use a little patience."
Cheers to a happy week, friends. <3
See ya soon.