Monday, June 18, 2012


 "Patience" - Guns N' Roses

Tonight, Steve and I clinked hefty glasses of homemade sangria to new beginnings and taking chances.  We talked over a fancy dinner of hot dogs off the grill, baked beans, and pickles.  We took deep breaths and savored the peace of the night as we shared our feelings on what's coming our way.

It's hours later, and as I sit here eating a second hot dog,
covered in mustard and wrapped in a tortilla (the hot dog, not me)...

I breathe in peace.
I breathe in the sweet blessing of patience and its rewards.

My period arrived today. 
 It's funny how it works in this journey of trying to conceive.  You're either crying painful tears when old Aunt Flow arrives, or you're rejoicing at the gift of another try. 
Today, I did a happy dance.  It came a good 5-6 days earlier than our doctor expected, but I'm not complaining.  I am rejoicing.

It's one day short of exactly a month since our last miscarriage
These past four weeks threw every emotion under the sun at us. 
Some days, I felt crazy and out of control.  Some days, I felt crazy for not feeling crazy.
Sometimes, I'd be doin' just fine and then, it would hit me...
The hurt.  The ache of my tired body begging for rest.  The questions.  The emptiness.
The longing to still be pregnant.

But mostly, what ate away at me the past few weeks, was the heavy decision only Steve and I held the answer to -
What approach we wanted to take with this next cycle.

he voiced his thoughts on possibilities for our future cycle.
During the next appointment, he brought up the use of injections...the use of gonadotropins paired with Clomid and a trigger shot.  He explained his theory in it all - that he sees extra promising results if we could "get pregnant with twins" because "there's a science to it all with them helping each other along" and that the combination of the injections and Clomid would stimulate both my pituitary gland and my ovaries.  
We sat and listened.  Me, looking right at him, nodding my head and trying not to crap my pants.
It was a lot to take in, especially with everything we had going on.
I thought about how I love my doctor and his way of never sugar coating anything...always taking it up a notch if success was not achieved.
But, I also thought about how I got pregnant with Steve 6 times and the donor, once.  How there is still so much hope with the donor.  And how, even though sometimes it's hard to believe - I am fertile. Somtimes, very fertile.
It seemed a little extreme.  And where I'm usually an "all or nothing" type of girl,
I felt we needed to find a balance in it all.

At that very moment, I tied on my cape and tried my best to play Superwoman.  I told him I'd be game for it.  I told him I could handle the possible effects...hyperstimulation and/or a higher chance for more than a singleton or twins.  I told him I could handle the hard decisions if we ended up with very high multiples. 
And I told him I could again, at our next appointment.
But something didn't feel right. 
And the days passed, and time ran its course.

Patience takes time.  Time grows our patience.

Tonight, I give thanks for the gift of patience.  I'm grateful I listened to my heart.  I'm thankful for all those times I'd spontaneously cry out loud in such hurt and despair in these past couple weeks.
They led me to this past Friday.  I stayed up late Thursday night.  I prayed and found I didn't need to think about it any longer.  I had my answer.  Steve watched it consume me during so many unexpected times this past month.  We talked about our options until there was nothing left to say.  Steve genuinely wanted to do whatever I wanted to do.  And, I guess that's a blessing in disguise.  Because where I didn't feel like I was any closer to my decision, he knew that it was my body...and that I would figure it out in time.

I woke up Friday and told Steve I was at peace with it all and that I wanted to try "the happy medium" we had talked about. 

I spent the day at my friend, Kim's, parents' house.  We swam, soaked up the sun (and some clouds) and enjoyed a much needed relaxing end to the week.  Just as we were cracking up that the same song came on for a third time in a row on her Ipod, I heard my phone ring.  I jumped out of the pool to answer.  It was Steve.  He did me the favor of calling the office to see what our doctor's thoughts were on our "happy medium." 
It being - no injections, but a dose higher of Clomid and only Clomid...with the trigger shot.

Our doctor approved.
And in that moment, I was again reminded of the gift of patience.
I instantly breathed easier.  Instantly felt lighter.  But mostly, knew I made the right decision for us this cycle.  No matter what the outcome...pregnant/not pregnant.  Singleton/twins/quintuplets...
At the end of the day, it's not in our hands.
That was a big helper in making my decision.

The rest of the weekend was free of the heavy and full of the happy.

Kim and I took in a few more hours of hopping in and out of the water...dancing to her awesome mix of Dolly Parton and Pitbull...and laughing hysterically with her mom.

We are not naked.

See, told ya.

Saturday, Steve and I had lunch on the deck, compliments of my mom.

She sent me home Friday night with these bowls of healthy stuff.

We enjoyed one of the last few days of perfect weather before the heat and humidity really kick in.

The fluffingtons even came out for a bit.

mug from my mama

I had a mini photo session with my friend and next door neighbor, Stephanie.
How cute is she (and Roscoe)?!  She's expecting twins this fall.
I can't wait to meet those little munchkins.

Steve and I spent all afternoon lounging around playing the "What do you want to do? I don't know...What do you want to do?" game.  After going back and forth and declaring our bored-ness until almost 6 o'clock, I finally announced a revelation...
"I know what we need to do! Have kids! Then, we'll never be bored."
Steve looked at me and we both laughed out loud, maybe got a little teary-eyed, hugged and realized we needed to get our butts in gear and get out and enjoy this "calm before the storm."

We got ready quickly and headed out.
And just like times in this journey, 
we didn't know exactly where we were going, but at least we were on the road...
and ready to be taken somewhere. 

Not even ten minutes into our drive, Steve got me to stop pecking away at my phone and look ahead.
There, straight ahead, was a mini rainbow peeking through the clouds.  Even with there being no rain that day.  I've got to believe it was a sign of good things to come.

Do you see it?

Soon after, we found another "rainbow."
In case you didn't know, mexican food is good luck too.
You want to make me happy...give me a tub of guacamole and trio of enchiladas smothered in mole sauce. 

Add my Mr. and a beautiful night...and you've got an extra happy girl.

Steve, you're kinda scaring me with that creepy face.

And, we all know, sugar is always good luck.
Mr. impressed me and went crazy with his portion.

All night, we joked about how we couldn't wait to get home to the cats.  Yes, we are those kind of crazy cat people.  But, we had a reason.  On our way out of CVS, I spotted dog cat beds on sale for $9.99.  How could we resist? All we needed was one more to make our collection complete.

Chibbs was mad at me.  He asked for more treats.  Not another bed.

Twinkie and Muffin gave it a whirl and instantly loved it.

And then, Muffin put Mr. Chibbs in his place.

Um, I love this photo.

Princess Moofin' Stoof

Sunday, we celebrated Father's Day all afternoon at my Dad's. 
We ate.  We all got more than our allowed daily intake of mayonnaise.  We laughed at old stories. 

We My dad took a little siesta.

Steve played copycat.

Brigid and I cracked up at the old men and snapped photos.

And then, took a few more once they woke up.

Happy Father's Day.


I called the doctor's office this morning to let them know about good old Flow.  I start Clomid on Wednesday and finish on Sunday. 
Our bloodwork and ultrasound/monitoring appointment is next Friday.  And in just a few weeks, we will back HERE.  Ready for another IUI.
Ready to put our hope and faith in full gear.

Remembering to never give up and always keep going.
Because, just when you think you've got not an ounce of patience left...

There it is.
It's all around you. 
Believe in it.

"Take it slow and it'll work itself out fine.
You and I'll just use a little patience."

Cheers to a happy week, friends. <3
See ya soon.

Patient Lovin',


Maria said...

I have a feeling that there are many more rainbows in your future! <3 ya! Thing and praying all the time!

Our Journey Through This Lovely Life said...

What a beautiful and inspiring post! A huge smile always on my face when I see that you've posted! I am so happy for you and Steve that you found the peace and time you needed to make the next decision! It's a wonderful choice and one I too will choose come August I am praying for you girl! Sending you truck loads of luck!
Lots of Love!

Lindsey said...

Thinking of you always and praying you have many more rainbows! HUGS

Jenny said...

I'm so happy you came to a plan you are comfortable with. I have so much hope for you two. I too always say we need to have some kids so we're not bored all the time. And then, like you said, I realize we need to enjoy our time as a twosome while it lasts. Because it will happen. For all of us.

Cami said...

Oh Maria. I love you. I am praying for you & Steve...fiercely. <3 I pray for many more rainbows in your future which will mean pregnancy & love & hope. HUGS.
I am glad you are still putting on a happy face, despite everything.
IT WILL HAPPEN - but like you said - patience is what you've learned. And all will be worth it in the end.
Praying xooxoxoxo

E and R said...

I am so glad to hear that you have come to a decision you are comfortable with. Following your heart is so important....especially in this IF journey. We were faced with a choice at one point and rather than doing the injectable cycle as our dr suggested we followed our hearts to do what we felt was best, our dr also agreed that it was a good choice, so we pursued DE and were blessed with the most precious little girl (and that journey was full of challenges itself, again, we always followed our hearts).
I know that there are children in your future and they are going to be SO lucky to have you and Steve for parents!! Praying for you always.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you here in MS! God has this and will reward you with the gift of CHILDREN!!

Karen Fieri said...

Your posts always, always make me smile. You make such a connection with your writing and your pictures. Love it! I also love how Muffin clearly stated, "This is my bed." I am starting my day with a smile because of you! said...

I can't say enough how much I admire your strength and perspective. I know that your courage and determination will win in the end. Thoughts and prayers, Kerstin Xoxoxo

Moosey Mommy said...

Praying for you and Steve! It sounds like you've had a wonderful few days. I am jealous of the Mexican food, though I think we are going out for "Taco Tuesday" tonight. Yay! You will be in my thoughts this coming couple weeks!

Judy Haughton-James said...

Patience, oh what an important word Maria! It works wonders for the mind, body and soul. I need that reminder so many times. I know the swing of emotions when one goes through loss. One moment you feel so strong and another time it gets to you. The important thing is that you keep on keeping on and never give up. As always I love the wide variety of beautiful pictures and I am wishing you and Steve so much that is good. By the way, I am here praying for twins and multiples for you!:) Keep the positve attitude no matter what Maria. You are lifting the spirit of so many of us although we may have gone through other difficulties. Fight on sister! Lots of Love, Friendship and Best Wishes always.

Kari said...

I'm pulling for you and Steve sooo much!!!! This will be your cycle, I just know it!!!

Thanks for everything last night and today. I appreciate it more than I can put into words and I'm so thankful for all you said. You helped me more than you know.


Gumdrop Pass said...

SOOOOOO much of this post rings very close to home for this girl. I feel like sometimes I just need to stop over at your blog to read your words, apply them over here, and then make a little sense outta things! ;)

I'm so happy to hear that you and Steve have a plan and that you're pressing on... to rainbows! :) Don't you just love those things?! I always take them as a sign... so that means only beautiful things are coming your way! :)

I hope you're able to have some more fun, yummy food, and relaxing moments this week!

Love ya! <3

Ashley said...

I have been praying for you and hoping that you would guys would come to a decision that brings you peace and happiness. I am so excited for you to start this new cycle and see what happens! Your posts always remind me to stay positive. :)

I am totally jealous of that hot dog right about now. I am starving and too lazy to cook anything! Ha. Oh, and the fact that you get to eat outside..... it is still pouring rain here. :(
Hope you are having a great night!

~Rian said...

I love reading your posts. You are so full of life and hope. And I live vicariously through your eating right now since I'm on a dairy/soy free diet. :) I will continue to keep you in my prayers. I hope the upped clomid is the answer. :)

Stacy Uncorked said...

I love, love, LOVE how you and Steve are keeping a positive attitude - as you should. I'll be saying extra prayers for you two over the next few weeks - and every rainbow I see I'll send it your way.

And when I get my batch of homemade Sangria done, I'll be sure to send you a bottle - for luck. ;)

Summer Heat, Christmas in June, Misspelled Fun, and 20 Mules

Irish Carter of Dedicated 2 LIFE said...

Here's to a lifetime of rainbows my dear. I hope and wish for all the happiness you and Steve are looking for. You truly deserve it. I had to chuckle over the cats and the high swatting paw pic....LOVED IT. = ) Wishing you the best.

Here's to happiness my dear. Take care.


Nicole Buckingham said...

Deep breaths and large helpings of Sangrias-- yes, please.

I'm stopping by to visit from the Welcome Wednesday hop. We are riding the wave of life at and I would love it if you joined us for the ride. I would love it too if you joined us for a simple wordless Wednesday link up. No rules. Just friends. I would love for other beautiful bloggers to discover the good that you do.


M said...

Hey! I'm just getting around to catching up on my blog funny that I just wrote about not being patient and your entry is about patience :)

I'm glad to hear that AF didn't make you wait too long. So excited for you to continue on your journey!

Just read that you started your Clomid today...yay! Fingers crossed for good things happening very soon! <3

BTW - love the photo of your cats - totally looks like one of them punched the other in the face :)

Rebecca said...

So glad that you are still seeing rainbows!!!

~Jess said...

I'm glad you guys were able to come to a decision you could be at peace with...I know it's not easy.

Beautiful rainbows and promises!

Brittany said...

Oh Maria, you are SO beautiful! Goodness every single picture you look like a movie star. And you in fact ARE Superwoman, not just trying to be. You have gone through SO much and still persevere with a smile and positive attitude...that takes more strength and courage than most of us can even imagine. And you are so wise to understand the value of's a hard thing to grasp but it makes life so much more wonderful (I only occasionally have it!). You are truly beautiful, inside and out, and I am praying for you every day. Love to you and Steve, sweet girl!

Cathy Kennedy said...

Your personal walk with trying to have a baby is so touching. All I can say, thank God for the blessings of modern medicine. Your heartaches are many, I know. However, I think the things you are learning will allow you to help someone else going through the same thing.

Speaking from personal experience until I had a miscarriage (between my second & third live births)I never could fully relate to what a woman...a couple went through. From that point forth, I not only sympathized with a woman going through an end pregnancy, but also empathized.

God bless you & Steve! May your hearts' desire be fullfilled with happy, healthy baby(ies)!

Cathy Kennedy said...

One more thing...thanks for joining us on Wayback Wednesdays. Now following you! ~Cathy

Ashley at flats to flip flops said...

Oh Maria, so glad you feel at peace! This Infertility journey thing is such a roller coaster that you have to remember the peaceful times. We felt the exact same way along our journey...we knew when something just felt right and we went with it...and even if it didn't work out, we knew it was right. And looking back now, it all worked out how it was supposed to! Thinking of you friend!

Buffi Neal said...

Your animals are sooo cute!
New follower from the Blog Hop
My Wonderfully Dysfunctional Blog

Becky said...

What an inspiring post! I do believe the rainbow was a sign. :) Following you from the Thursday Blog Hop.
Life or Something Like It

waitingforarainbow said...

Lol you wrote this post while eating a hot dog mustard taco. You crack me up!
I'm glad you listened to your heart, and went with a decision that you're most comfortable with. Now you can feel totally confident going into your next try! It's sooo nice to hear af came right on time, a day early even! I know how bad a miscarriage can mess up your cycle, it's such a relief that it didnt happen to you.
Your mom is such a chef! You're always posting these delicious pictures of something healthy she made. I'm so jealous! She makes things that look healthy and soooo yummmy. I need your mom in my life to make me awesome dinners, and take me on long runs/walks. What a kick ass lady!
That pool looks incredible.. Is that a celebrities pool?? Jeeez! I would love to lounge around in it all day!
And yours and steves date looked like a lot of fun. Thats so funny that you bought the cats a new bed. I can't go to the store without getting something for Mia. (we gave our cats away:() and when we're gone too long, we feel like we need to get home to her too!
That is SUCH a good sign that you saw that rainbow! Omgggg! especially after talking about how your life would be better with kids. It's a sign maria! Remember my birthday post about how I kept seeing rainbows?? I conceived haven the following month, and got my bfp november 1st! Yay for rainbows! Yours is coming!!!!!
Lots a love to you my dear!
Have a great weekend!
<3 heather

Tranae said...

Beautiful post. I'm sending prayers and hugs your way.

Kat said...

Hi! I enjoyed reading your blog! Following from Fun Friday Blog Hop! Would appreciate the follow back! Have a great weekend!

Kim said...

What a beautiful post! You are a very talented writer, I could feel the hopefulness and peace through your words. I look forward to reading many more posts from you and wish you the best of luck!

JayneBecca said...

Such a well written post, very heart felt. Found you through the Friday Blog Hop - New follower. Looking forward to reading some more posts :) x

Kelly @ Stay at Home Trader said...

How did I miss this post? Awww I love this post so much. You always take me from tears to hysterical laughter. That pic of you and Kim really does look like you are NAKED! LOL!!! I've kept you guys in my prayers so much, and I'm happy you are finding some peace in this crazy mess of things. I'm amazed at your strength. God Bless!



MrsV said...

Hello friend :) I am trying to catch up on my reading, ( I've been posting from my phone and can't view other blogs)
I'm glad to read you guys have come to your "happy medium" altho you could always try to be the next octomom ;) I can just see it now! lol house full of kids and a cat for each one :)
Loving your pictures as always! They always make me hungry! :) I'm off to read your next post now <3

Kristina said...

Such a beautiful post Maria! I just love your sweet heart! So glad you guys reached a decision you are both at peace with!

Xoxo, Kristina

KERRY said...

They say patience is a virtue...good for you for realising what it is you want to do, you know I wish you all the luck in the world and then some!!
I hope you are having a good week my friend, beautiful pics as always, and I love the look of that outdoor restaurant :)

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