I Can Let Go Now

"I Can Let Go Now" - Alison Krauss

 

A year and a day...

The time between now and my first post.

That first entry seems so far away in so many instances

 and yet still so close to my heart.

I remember the sound of my heart...beating loud and clear as I went to press "publish," knowing everything would be put out there.  There was something so liberating about that moment.  As much as a tiny fraction of me thought, "what in the hell are you thinking, Maria?" most of me knew,

it was a long time coming.  It was something I needed to do.

For me.

And for us.

These years have taught me more than I could ever try to say in just one post. 

But there's one thing I'm so very certain of tonight...

Letting go

has been the toughest, most trying aspect of this journey.

But also, the most beautiful.

This week has been a process of letting go in so many ways for both Steve and I.  Together and separately.

Throughout the past two and a half years, Steve and I have been on such a roller-coaster of emotions.

And let's face it, sometimes, as much as we want to be there for each other 110%, and as much as we have the best of intentions...

It doesn't always come across that way to one another.

This week, Steve was faced with upsetting news...his step-dad, a man he considered his father, passed away on Tuesday.  He knew it was coming, but it of course, doesn't make it any easier.  It's been tough. And not just for the obvious reasons, but because of circumstances that make us unable to be together while he grieves.  I spent too much time hating that fact. 

But hate is such an ugly word.  And such an ugly feeling.  A feeling that brings out the worst in me.  And has gotten the best of me at times. 

I am not a hateful person.   

I need to let go.

I got swept up in thinking that someone could keep me from being the best wife possible to him while he goes through this.  I cried because I can't physically be by his side through it all.  I cried because when you love someone, you want to be there always.  Not just for the good, but most definitely for the sad and trying times.

But right now, I'm in a better place.

It took a few days of hurt, a phone call to my mom, a long, steaming hot shower, a relaxing date with a friend, a few servings of ice cream, and a night alone with my husband to help me get here...

But, I'm here. 

 Sometimes, you just have to say, "it is what it is."  And make the best out of the situation. 

Life isn't what you always expect it to be.  People aren't always who you want them to be.

You've got to roll with the punches and realize that sometimes people are toxic to your well-being and simply can not be in your life.

Some things and people...you can and will not change.

And when life hands you a big bologna and cheese sandwich, light on the cheese, heavy on the bologna...

you can do one of two things...

Let it get the best of you.

Or give it the best you got.

And Steve and I want to give it the best we got.  I want and can still be there for Steve, regardless of the circumstances.

I told him that I'd let go of this cycle.  That we could wait until next month.  I put the ball in his court. 

He doesn't want to give up this cycle.  And you know what, either do I.

We both agreed we won't let anything stand in our way after all we've been through.

Steve may not be able to be there for all of our upcoming appointments, and possibly our IUI.

And I won't be in New York with him.

That's where the beauty of letting go comes in.

Did it hurt like hell to think about him potentially not physically being there, after finally getting to this place in our journey...

It hurt us both. But,

I don't need Steve to be by my side for it all. 

He needs to be in New York.

Needs and wants are two different things.

With it being a year since I started writing, I went back earlier and read through some of my favorite posts.  Many of which dealt with tough lessons and getting through them.

And it really helped me to see and focus on

the bigger picture.

That bigger picture makes all the things we sometimes just don't want to see...

appear clear as day. 

Looking back on it all...letting go is what got us to where we are right now.

Letting go can be beautiful.  And healing.

It took me so, so long to get to this place

of peace and contentment.

And right now, I'm so grateful for these tough lessons I'm learning, because they're making me stronger and getting me ready for the upcoming, days, weeks and months...

We have an appointment to check my "egg status" in a few hours.  And Steve wants to be there with me before he leaves for NY.  I'll hold his hand and be thankful for the wonderful man who stands beside me. 

And I will kiss him goodbye, and know that things are just as they should be.

"I Can Let Go Now"
Alison Krauss

It was so right
It was so wrong
Almost at the same time
The pain and ache
A heart can take
No one really knows
But when the memories cling and take you there
Till you no longer care
You can let go now
It's not right for me
To cling to you
Somehow I just needed time
 From what was to be
It's not like me
To hold somebody down
But I was tossed high by love
Almost never came down
Only to land
Where no love is found
And I'm no longer bound
I can let go now

"I'm no longer bound,

I can let go now."

***

Happy Friday, friends.

Happy Weekend.

HAPPY EASTER.

Lettin' Go Lovin',