Friday, April 6, 2012

I Can Let Go Now

"I Can Let Go Now" - Alison Krauss

A year and a day...
The time between now and my first post.

That first entry seems so far away in so many instances
 and yet still so close to my heart.
I remember the sound of my heart...beating loud and clear as I went to press "publish," knowing everything would be put out there.  There was something so liberating about that moment.  As much as a tiny fraction of me thought, "what in the hell are you thinking, Maria?" most of me knew,
it was a long time coming.  It was something I needed to do.
For me.
And for us.

These years have taught me more than I could ever try to say in just one post. 
But there's one thing I'm so very certain of tonight...

Letting go
has been the toughest, most trying aspect of this journey.
But also, the most beautiful.

This week has been a process of letting go in so many ways for both Steve and I.  Together and separately.

Throughout the past two and a half years, Steve and I have been on such a roller-coaster of emotions.
And let's face it, sometimes, as much as we want to be there for each other 110%, and as much as we have the best of intentions...
It doesn't always come across that way to one another.

This week, Steve was faced with upsetting news...his step-dad, a man he considered his father, passed away on Tuesday.  He knew it was coming, but it of course, doesn't make it any easier.  It's been tough. And not just for the obvious reasons, but because of circumstances that make us unable to be together while he grieves.  I spent too much time hating that fact. 
But hate is such an ugly word.  And such an ugly feeling.  A feeling that brings out the worst in me.  And has gotten the best of me at times. 
I am not a hateful person.   
I need to let go.

I got swept up in thinking that someone could keep me from being the best wife possible to him while he goes through this.  I cried because I can't physically be by his side through it all.  I cried because when you love someone, you want to be there always.  Not just for the good, but most definitely for the sad and trying times.

But right now, I'm in a better place.
It took a few days of hurt, a phone call to my mom, a long, steaming hot shower, a relaxing date with a friend, a few servings of ice cream, and a night alone with my husband to help me get here...
But, I'm here. 
 Sometimes, you just have to say, "it is what it is."  And make the best out of the situation. 

Life isn't what you always expect it to be.  People aren't always who you want them to be.
You've got to roll with the punches and realize that sometimes people are toxic to your well-being and simply can not be in your life.
Some things and can and will not change.

And when life hands you a big bologna and cheese sandwich, light on the cheese, heavy on the bologna...
you can do one of two things...
Let it get the best of you.
Or give it the best you got.

And Steve and I want to give it the best we got.  I want and can still be there for Steve, regardless of the circumstances.
I told him that I'd let go of this cycle.  That we could wait until next month.  I put the ball in his court. 
He doesn't want to give up this cycle.  And you know what, either do I.
We both agreed we won't let anything stand in our way after all we've been through.
Steve may not be able to be there for all of our upcoming appointments, and possibly our IUI.
And I won't be in New York with him.

That's where the beauty of letting go comes in.
Did it hurt like hell to think about him potentially not physically being there, after finally getting to this place in our journey...
It hurt us both. But,
I don't need Steve to be by my side for it all. 
He needs to be in New York.
Needs and wants are two different things.

With it being a year since I started writing, I went back earlier and read through some of my favorite posts.  Many of which dealt with tough lessons and getting through them.
And it really helped me to see and focus on
the bigger picture.

That bigger picture makes all the things we sometimes just don't want to see...
appear clear as day. 
Looking back on it all...letting go is what got us to where we are right now.
Letting go can be beautiful.  And healing.
It took me so, so long to get to this place
of peace and contentment.

And right now, I'm so grateful for these tough lessons I'm learning, because they're making me stronger and getting me ready for the upcoming, days, weeks and months...
We have an appointment to check my "egg status" in a few hours.  And Steve wants to be there with me before he leaves for NY.  I'll hold his hand and be thankful for the wonderful man who stands beside me. 
And I will kiss him goodbye, and know that things are just as they should be.

"I Can Let Go Now"
Alison Krauss

It was so right
It was so wrong
Almost at the same time
The pain and ache
A heart can take
No one really knows

But when the memories cling and take you there
Till you no longer care
You can let go now

It's not right for me
To cling to you
Somehow I just needed time

 From what was to be
It's not like me
To hold somebody down
But I was tossed high by love
Almost never came down
Only to land
Where no love is found
And I'm no longer bound
I can let go now

"I'm no longer bound,
I can let go now."

Happy Friday, friends.
Happy Weekend.

Lettin' Go Lovin',


Jenny said...

I'm so sorry for your loss :(

KERRY said...

You can do it by yourself, Steve is in your heart and soul right there with you. He is needed physically elsewhere. No matter where you both are, love binds you.
And you're so right, sometimes it's ok to let go, sometimes it's needed. Sometimes it's healthy.
He'll be home soon, you stay strong. I am sorry for the loss of Steve's stepdad, much love to you both xoxo

Tina said...

I'm so sorry for the loss of Steve's stepdad.

You are a great wife. You may not be able to be there physically, but you are his strength nonetheless. Take it easy on yourself. Keep taking those nice long hot showers and eating pints of ice cream, and you'll be together before you know it.


Heather Nelsen said...

Great post Maria. I'm so sorry to hear about your hubby's dad. Losing someone you live is never easy, no matter how prepared you may feel.
How neat that you've taken time to reflect on this past year... It makes me excited for you guys to think about what next year's reflection will look like. :) I'll be thinking about you guys as you make it through the next couple of months. Be strong and hand over the times that are too tough to handle on your own. :)

Carlia said...

i am so sorry for your loss. being apart, on top of it all, is so tough. i completely understand where you're coming from and i can tell you from experience that absence can make you stronger. you have such a great attitude and are such a strong person. you're going to get through all this and have your happily ever after. big hugs!

Bernadette & Duane said...

Maria, only the BEST of teams manage to function as a unit, even when they are physically apart. My husband and I are doing it now, with him in the US and me in India. It's rough on us individually, but it's what's best for our team! You can do it girl-- and so happy you've got such an amazing teammate to support you! xo

Anonymous said...

Let me first say I'm sorry for Steve's loss. It's never easy even when you know the outcome is not far away. Blessing to him & you in this time!

Letting go was my absolute self resolution last year and I'm happier for it. Toxic people can bring a person to their knees in a hurry. It happened to me and I was unprepared. Now, I'm wiser for it & realize I don't have to like everyone nor them me. But I do need to feel good about myself when I look in a mirror.

You hang in there... both of you. He is with you as you are with him. Love has no borders, boundries and you can't fence it in. It's too big and eager to be shared. Sharing is of the heart just as love is. Hugs to you both. Tammy

Gumdrop Pass said...

I'm sorry about Steve's step-dad -- I can't imagine how he must be feeling. And I'm sorry for the circumstances that are causing you two to be apart -- but it sounds like you've got a good handle and perspective of it all.

My favorite lines of this post?

"And when life hands you a big bologna and cheese sandwich, light on the cheese, heavy on the bologna...
you can do one of two things...
Let it get the best of you.
Or give it the best you got."

LOVE THIS. LOVE-LOVE this. I need to print this out and post this somewhere -- or multiple somewheres in my house!

Good luck with all of the upcoming events! I hope your visit with the doc goes good today.

Lots of love and I hope you have a good Easter! <3

Maria said...

I am so sorry for your loss! Tons of hugs are flying through the air to you. Since I don't "know" Steve, I will ask that you pass one on for me.

Good luck at your appointments. I can't wait for updates!

Ashley said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Like someone else said, even when you know it is coming it still doesn't make it any easier. I am also sorry that you can't be there with Steve either. I know how tough that can be, from personal experience.

You have such a way with words and this was a beautiful post. Sometimes letting go is the best thing that you can do for yourself. It may be hard, but in the end it is so worth it!

Lots of love to you!

Judy Haughton-James said...

Hi Maria,
What an awesome post! It gives serious food for thought and is so-o-o inspirational. This must have been so therapeutic for you Maria. I am sorry to read of the death of Steve's step-dad. I express my condolences to you all. I know it can't be easy not being there with him and also the fact that he is not here at crucial times for you both. However in both instances you are there with each other as distance can't keep you apart. I wish you both all the very best and despite the challenges a Blessed Easter. Lots of Love, Friendship and Best wishes always!

mag said...

Hi hon.. hope you are hanging in there. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You and Steve are so strong and you have been through so much.. you are seriously an inspiration and set the bar for the rest of us on how to stay strong and keep faith. I'm keeping you all in my prayers. *big hugs*


Rebecca said...

So sorry for your loss :(

Kathy Radigan said...

Beautiful post Maria. I think it's so lovely how you have shared your process and journey with us. I'm so sorry for Steve and your loss. You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you both go through the next few challenging days. Sending much love to you my sweet friend! xo

LOVE MELISSA:) said...

I am sorry about Stevies step dad! I wish I could be there to hug you- but for now I am sending you a virtual hug! It is going to be tough but it will get better promise. Wishing you all the luck with your appts. If you ever need to talk, please email me!

missjonquil said...

Im a new follower and I am sorry for your loss.

Jessica H said...

I'm sorry for the loss of your husband's step-dad. You seem like a very strong woman, with an equally strong man at your side. I'm a new follower from Mom Blog Monday and I'm looking forward to catching up on your posts and reading new ones!

Jessica @ TheCrazyChaoticHouse said...

So sorry to hear about your loss. And sorry you can't be together but he is where he needs to be for the time being. Your right just because you know it;s coming doesn't make things any easier. Death is such is so horrible. You are an incredibly strong woman. It does suck he won't be there with you but i know you are blessed with such wonderful friends you will have them there to keep you company until he returns. Good luck with this cycle!

Twins Happen said...

I am a new follower from mom blog monday. You truly have a gift with words, my dear. I am so very sorry for your loss and in the midst of such difficult times. I wish you best of luck with all of your upcoming appointments and will say a little prayer for you.

Rachel Marie said...

I'm sorry to hear about your and Steve's loss. But I LOVED this post! "People are toxic to your well-being and simply can not be in your life." Perfectly true. I battle everyday with people who do my life no good. And for what? It doesn't fix anything, so taking them for what they are and letting it go has given me some peace. I hope you had a lovely Easter<3 Hugss.

Our Journey Through This Lovely Life said...

Hey Pretty Lady! You always have the best posts! I just wanted to come by and say Thank You so so much for your kind words and prayers, the support from my blogging girls is down right Amazing! I hope you have a fabulous week!


MrsV said...

Sorry to hear about Steve's stepfather <3 even when you know it's coming it still hurts the same. Tuesday was actually the day my hubby's grandfather passed as well.
Even if your not at his side Steve knows you are there for him, you are still an amazing wife!
I hope your appointment went well, and happy 1 year bloganiversary :) <3

Kristina Torrejon said...

found you on the Mom Monday Blog Hop. What a story!! You touched my heart and I'm cheering you on over here!! Your newest follower!


waitingforarainbow said...

Maria! I'm so sorry for you guys. This year had been off to an extremely rocky start for the both of you, and I think you're both due for a miracle. I think I know why you can't be with him during this time, and I can only imagine how hard it is to not be able to be there for him, just because someone doesn't "like" you. Thats so cruel and un fair.
Since the start of your blog, you've been through a lot. Hell, you've been through a lot since before you started it! I honestly don't think God is going to put either of you through anymore pain. I think it's finally about to be your guys's time to be happy.
My prayers will include the both of you! I hope the egg situation looked fabulous. I'm sorry you have to go through the iui alone... After having your best friend with you all the other times. It's going to definitely be different, and a little tough! Plus, who's going to take a picture of you doing the peace sign??? Haha you'll have to take it yourself:p
Good for you for letting go.
Get ready girl, because lifes about to start giving you a lot more reasons to smile. I promise.
Thinking of you always~heather

Brooke Becker said...

Stopping by from the Tuesday Train! Congratulations on 1 year. Sorry for your loss, it is wonderful that you have this blog as a tool to help you and others through tough times.


Rachel said...

I am so sorry for your lose and for Steve's lose. Knowing it is coming doesn't make it any easier and I will be thinking of you both and Steve's family at this hard time. BIG HUGS! I'm sorry to hear you won't be together but I am happy you are at peace with that. You both are so strong and 2012 is going to be your year I can feel it.

It's so funny to thinking it has been about 11 months now since I came across your post on BBC and you inspired me to start blogging. We have never met but yet I feel as though you have been there for me through some hard and exciting times in my life. You are a wonderful person and I pray God will bless you and Steve very soon with a beautiful little angel. BIG HUGS! I think the day you share the good news I will be just as excited for you as I was the day I found out about my rainbow baby. :-)

lovejoy_31 said...

Just read this today. Love to both of you. I am so very sorry for Steve's loss. It is so very hard to bury a parent. I also know that it will be so very hard to watch from a distance, but good for both of you. I hope this goes as smoothly as possible. I am an email or phone call away.

Cami said...

Oh, as always - praying for you and Steve. HUGS. I cannot imagine the pain he is going through - and you, too.
May prayers lift you both up and give you comfort <3

Jenn said...

Hon, I'm so sorry you have more heartbreak to endure. You and Steve have been through the wringer! But I have to say that you two have an amazing is inspiring to see you two supporting each other, laughing and crying together, and just loving each other with all your soul.

May God carry you both through your grieving and lift you up on wings of joy.


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