Only Hope

"Only Hope" - Mandy Moore

  

 

Hope - the feeling that something desired is possible.

         - to look forward with confidence.

It's been a battle inside my head the past few days on whether to test or not. 

I haven't given in yet.  And it's funny to me, because years ago, even last year, I would have peed on a stick at least 5-10 times by now.  No exaggeration.

I'm in a different yet so familiar place all at once.

And until today, tonight especially, I haven't been all too emotional.  Well, for me anyways.

But in the past few hours, I've managed to "feel myself up" about 5 times.  Strip my top and bra off in the living room and ask Steve to give em' a feel and tell me what he thinks.  And, have a mini meltdown while I sulk and profess how badly I want this.

My chest boobs have been sore, full, and heavy since Thursday.  I wake up and I examine them from the moment I step out of bed.  I napped for no good reason Friday night and last night.  

And I dreamt about it last night.  A vivid dream.  I was standing in my mom's kitchen.  I told her I was pregnant and we cried and hugged.  And here I go, crying again. 

Because

I have so much hope.

* side note - what's hilarious, is right now, Steve is sitting across from me with his headphones on... intently staring at the television while he viciously presses the buttons on his game controller. completely unaware of me blubbering on while I aggressively type these words. my friend, jessica, texted me of a recent dream earlier - that I asked for her to come with me while i tested...and sure enough, while we did, Steve was playing his beloved XBOX. :) *

I got a little upset with myself at first.  I thought, Maria, don't set yourself up here.  Take it easy.  It could mean your period is around the corner or just be the added hormones.  You've felt like this and gotten negatives before. It will hurt too bad if you expect things to happen.

But that's not it...I don't expect anything.

I have faith.

I have hope.

Those two gifts have got me this far.  Surely, I trust in them.

I didn't give either of them up when things got trying, heartbreaking, and scary.

I held onto them.

And I'll continue to. 

No matter what that test says.

I can't thank you all enough for your support.  I mean that.  When you say, "You're pregnant, I know it!"...or when I get texts and emails about sweet and funny dreams you had with me in them...or when my friend asks her daughter if Mimi is pregnant and she responds, "Yeah." *Chloe I'm countin' on ya, girlfriend ;)*  it makes me smile and keeps me positive.

I thank you for having hope and keeping the faith.

 14 days past ovulation will be on Wednesday. And my period should be here at the latest by Thursday.  Of course, I'm hoping she's on vacation for the next year.

But, if not, I know this...

I will always have hope.

My guess is I'll be back Thursday sometime.

For now, I'll just drive Steve crazy and keep holding onto hope (and my heavy n' sore boobs).

***

Pictures of peace...

A walk in the park with Kelly and Chloe (and a good cup of coffee) on a sunshiny day.

<3<3<3

***

A healthy lunch with Kelly

followed by a gorgeous and scenic walk and snip snappy picture takin' time in another park.

(I may have gone overboard.)

<3 this dogwood princess

Kelly taking a picture of me taking a picture. :)

baby seashells <3

park lovas.

making a wish

did I do that?

 

A beautiful Friday outdoors with both Kellys

followed by a taco bell dinner with the Mr...sounds like a good day to me.

 (had to balance out that healthy lunch)

We I watched a movie together.

***

We celebrated my Dad's 59th birthday on Saturday. 

It's great to see him smiling.

This is Aubrey. She is a doll.

and she makes adorable spit bubbles.

Thank you for letting me go snap happy with her, Danielle!

Me and Dad <3

***

Twinkie says...

ya gotta keep the faith.

Take it easy, my friends.

Have a nice night and sweet dreams.

***

"When it feels like my dreams are so far, sing to me the plans that you have for me over again."

Only Hope,