Monday, April 23, 2012

Only Hope

"Only Hope" - Mandy Moore
Hope - the feeling that something desired is possible.
         - to look forward with confidence.

It's been a battle inside my head the past few days on whether to test or not. 
I haven't given in yet.  And it's funny to me, because years ago, even last year, I would have peed on a stick at least 5-10 times by now.  No exaggeration.
I'm in a different yet so familiar place all at once.
And until today, tonight especially, I haven't been all too emotional.  Well, for me anyways.
But in the past few hours, I've managed to "feel myself up" about 5 times.  Strip my top and bra off in the living room and ask Steve to give em' a feel and tell me what he thinks.  And, have a mini meltdown while I sulk and profess how badly I want this.

My chest boobs have been sore, full, and heavy since Thursday.  I wake up and I examine them from the moment I step out of bed.  I napped for no good reason Friday night and last night.  
And I dreamt about it last night.  A vivid dream.  I was standing in my mom's kitchen.  I told her I was pregnant and we cried and hugged.  And here I go, crying again. 
I have so much hope.

* side note - what's hilarious, is right now, Steve is sitting across from me with his headphones on... intently staring at the television while he viciously presses the buttons on his game controller. completely unaware of me blubbering on while I aggressively type these words. my friend, jessica, texted me of a recent dream earlier - that I asked for her to come with me while i tested...and sure enough, while we did, Steve was playing his beloved XBOX. :) *

I got a little upset with myself at first.  I thought, Maria, don't set yourself up here.  Take it easy.  It could mean your period is around the corner or just be the added hormones.  You've felt like this and gotten negatives before. It will hurt too bad if you expect things to happen.
But that's not it...I don't expect anything.
I have faith.
I have hope.
Those two gifts have got me this far.  Surely, I trust in them.
I didn't give either of them up when things got trying, heartbreaking, and scary.
I held onto them.

And I'll continue to. 
No matter what that test says.

I can't thank you all enough for your support.  I mean that.  When you say, "You're pregnant, I know it!"...or when I get texts and emails about sweet and funny dreams you had with me in them...or when my friend asks her daughter if Mimi is pregnant and she responds, "Yeah." *Chloe I'm countin' on ya, girlfriend ;)*  it makes me smile and keeps me positive.
I thank you for having hope and keeping the faith.

 14 days past ovulation will be on Wednesday. And my period should be here at the latest by Thursday.  Of course, I'm hoping she's on vacation for the next year.
But, if not, I know this...
I will always have hope.

My guess is I'll be back Thursday sometime.
For now, I'll just drive Steve crazy and keep holding onto hope (and my heavy n' sore boobs).

Pictures of peace...

A walk in the park with Kelly and Chloe (and a good cup of coffee) on a sunshiny day.



A healthy lunch with Kelly

followed by a gorgeous and scenic walk and snip snappy picture takin' time in another park.
(I may have gone overboard.)

Kelly taking a picture of me taking a picture. :)

baby seashells <3

park lovas.

making a wish

did I do that?


A beautiful Friday outdoors with both Kellys
followed by a taco bell dinner with the Mr...sounds like a good day to me.
 (had to balance out that healthy lunch)

We I watched a movie together.

We celebrated my Dad's 59th birthday on Saturday. 
It's great to see him smiling.

This is Aubrey. She is a doll.
and she makes adorable spit bubbles.

Thank you for letting me go snap happy with her, Danielle!

Me and Dad <3

Twinkie says...
ya gotta keep the faith.

Take it easy, my friends.

Have a nice night and sweet dreams.

"When it feels like my dreams are so far, sing to me the plans that you have for me over again."

Only Hope,


Gumdrop Pass said...

I have so much hope and faith FOR you, lady. My heart ached reading this post -- in a good, overflowy kind of way. :). Know that I am saying my prayers for you this week -- and keep the hope and faith alive... And those boobies full and achey! :)
Much love, many thoughts and prayers!
<3 Stephanie

Adi said...

Oh Maria! Keeping everything crossed for you. Not sure you know but Alana's middle name is 'Hope'

KERRY said...

Faith, Hope & Love to you from me xoxoxox

Maria said...

I love the profile pic of you! Love Love Love it! I also love that you obviously love some fire sauce!!!

I can't wait to hear the news, girl! Love, thoughts and prayers are surrounding you! said...

Wishing, hoping, and praying for good news! I know it will happen and I hope this is it. Yeah for sore boobies!!!

Carlia said...

oh the temptation to is just too strong to resist, so i say pee on that stick! sore boobs is always my biggest indicator of pregnancy. hopefully it's yours too. you are in my thoughts and prayers. i'm crossing everything that you'll have good news to share in a few days! i'm sending fertile thoughts your way. ;) and huge hugs!!!

Jessica @ TheCrazyChaoticHouse said...

Fingers crossed!!!

Moosey Mommy said...

Anxiously waiting to hear over here!! GOOD LUCK!!!!

Olivia- wife. mother. photographer. said...

you'll be in my prayers tonight little lady :)

so so so cannot wait until thursdayyyyy

waitingforarainbow said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Aleisha McD said...

I LOVE YOU SWEET SUGAR!!! And your bangs! Good grief, you're hot! HA HA HA! Stupid, stupid voice notes! I'm wondering if you ever got them. Sorry about my "technology drama." Missing you tonight, my friend!

waitingforarainbow said...

Agh damn. my comment doesn't make sense sometimes. Damn phone. Where the helll is the edit button???

Tina said...

You have a lot of self-control for not POASing already! :) Hoping for you, friend!

M said...

I saw you on facebook that you posted this entry and I got all excited thinking you had tested...can't believe you have held out so long. I would've peed on at least 5 tests by now!


Can't wait for your next post...hope this is it! <3

lovejoy_31 said...

LOVE it!!! My guess is while Steve might think you are crazy, he isn't arguing about touching your all exposed boobs AGAIN. sending prayers your way. Can't wait!!!

Our Journey Through This Lovely Life said...

I have Hope pouring out of my heart for you!!! Please dear god let this be it!!!! Sending lots of love!

Ashley said...

When I saw the title of this post this is the song that came to mind. I love this song and it is so fitting. :)

I have lots of hope and faith for you, Maria! I pray that this is "it" for you and that we will soon hear good news!

lots of love!

Cami said...

Oh Maria. I think you are just SO beautiful - inside AND out. I hope you know that :)
I have a whole lot of hope for you. The title of the post made me think of "Only Hope" By Mandy Moore.
Anyways - I am praying many prayers for you - of hope and BABIES. <3
Keep that gorgeous head of yours up.

Kristina said...

You have such a beautiful heart. I love your hope and faith!! Cannot wait to celebrate with you that little babe!!
Kristina said...

Is it Thursday yet?!?!?! Ahhhhh! ;)

Judy Haughton-James said...

Hi Maria,
Hope is such a powerful word!It keeps us keeping on. I am praying and hoping for the best for you and like how you are taking things in stride. The pictures are so beautiful. I see awesome scenes that give one a sense of peace. Take very good care of yourself and keep the faith. A lot of us are rooting for you. Lots of Love, Friendship and Best Wishes!

Camille said...

You look so lovely in those pictures...the hair, lip color and flower!

Hoping with you, lady.


~Jess said...

I have lots of hope and prayers for you!

I love the shot of you with the white-ish background.

Kathy Radigan said...

I have lots of hope and prayers for you too!! Sending all my love, thoughts and prayers to you and Steve!!! xoxo

Rachel said...

I was thinking of you tonight and I wanted to say that I am hoping and praying for you!!! Thank you for all the sweet comments on my posts! Fingers and toes are crossed for you!

Brittany said...

Such gorgeous pictures!! Reading these posts backwards is tricky, but it makes your big news all the more special :)

Kristina said...

put your button up on my blog! Thanks for wanting to swap!! xo
Hope you're still hanging in there!


Heather Nelsen said...

Those pictures are GREAT!! I love your constant positivity, love. It is so obvious that you have faith because you don't let you circumstances determine your outlook of life. Not to say you don't ever have a bad day, because Lord knows we all do! :) I'm moving on to the most recent post.... feeling nervous because I want so badly for it to be good news. :/ Prayin you for Maria!!

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