I started my blog with this song. And after today, it just seems like the perfect fit for this post.
Tonight, instead of words, I have a video.
I always promised myself I would document the important moments of this chapter...no matter how emotional.
And 12 minutes of emotions it is.
I'm so happy I'll always have this memory to look back on.
(Even if I look like my face is melting off.)
If you don't have twelve minutes, you can forward it to around the 8 minute mark.
P.S. - I'm an ugly crier.
A very, very ugly crier. :)
Hope- the feeling that something desired is possible.
- to look forward with confidence.
It's been a battle inside my head the past few days on whether to test or not.
I haven't given in yet. And it's funny to me, because years ago, even last year, I would have peed on a stick at least 5-10 times by now. No exaggeration.
I'm in a different yet so familiar place all at once.
And until today, tonight especially, I haven't been all too emotional. Well, for me anyways.
But in the past few hours, I've managed to "feel myself up" about 5 times. Strip my top and bra off in the living room and ask Steve to give em' a feel and tell me what he thinks. And, have a mini meltdown while I sulk and profess how badly I want this.
My chest boobs have been sore, full, and heavy since Thursday. I wake up and I examine them from the moment I step out of bed. I napped for no good reason Friday night and last night.
And I dreamt about it last night. A vivid dream. I was standing in my mom's kitchen. I told her I was pregnant and we cried and hugged. And here I go, crying again.
Because
I have so much hope.
* side note - what's hilarious, is right now, Steve is sitting across from me with his headphones on... intently staring at the television while he viciously presses the buttons on his game controller. completely unaware of me blubbering on while I aggressively type these words. my friend, jessica, texted me of a recent dream earlier - that I asked for her to come with me while i tested...and sure enough, while we did, Steve was playing his beloved XBOX. :) *
I got a little upset with myself at first. I thought, Maria, don't set yourself up here. Take it easy. It could mean your period is around the corner or just be the added hormones. You've felt like this and gotten negatives before. It will hurt too bad if you expect things to happen.
But that's not it...I don't expect anything.
I have faith.
I have hope.
Those two gifts have got me this far. Surely, I trust in them.
I didn't give either of them up when things got trying, heartbreaking, and scary.
I held onto them.
And I'll continue to.
No matter what that test says.
I can't thank you all enough for your support. I mean that. When you say, "You're pregnant, I know it!"...or when I get texts and emails about sweet and funny dreams you had with me in them...or when my friend asks her daughter if Mimi is pregnant and she responds, "Yeah." *Chloe I'm countin' on ya, girlfriend ;)* it makes me smile and keeps me positive.
I thank you for having hope and keeping the faith.
14 days past ovulation will be on Wednesday. And my period should be here at the latest by Thursday. Of course, I'm hoping she's on vacation for the next year.
But, if not, I know this...
I will always have hope.
My guess is I'll be back Thursday sometime.
For now, I'll just drive Steve crazy and keep holding onto hope (and my heavy n' sore boobs).
***
Pictures of peace...
A walk in the park with Kelly and Chloe (and a good cup of coffee) on a sunshiny day.
Being 8 days past ovulation with not a single pregnancy test in the house.
I plan on keeping it that way until I just can't take it anymore.
I've got about 6-7 more days until I will know for sure. *I think I can. I think I can.*
I went for it today.
And had a nice visit with my friend, Vania.
That's my hair she's holding (not a fluffy kitten).
Sweet little changes like this always give me a rush.
The bangs are back.
I had them for the first 23 years of my life. Steve prefers me without em', but he gave me his blessing. And ya know what, had he not, I still would have gone for it.
It sounds silly, but I've always pictured myself with long hair and bangs whenever I was pregnant.
Even if I don't find out happy news next week, I'm so glad I did it.
And I was glad Mr smiled when he saw me walk in the door tonight.
Change is good for the soul.
Muffin is good for the soul too.
And so is a dinner date with Vania...
and conversation that goes from hilarious and loudly inappropriate to deep and emotional
over a heavy slice of ice cream covered pound cake.
I've been doing a lot of this lately. Talking to my stomach. Yep, I shamelessly admit it.
Every day and night, whether driving, in the shower, lying in bed...I place my hand on my stomach, pray and talk to the baby that I hope is making a home in there. Steve does too.
And we'll keep it up...for months...years...however long until we meet our baby.
***
It's more than obvious that Chloe is one sweet little thing babe.
She housed a plate of grits and toast, along with handfuls of mushroom and swiss omelet.
She loved my lucky cat head from Aleisha's sweet daughter.
A sweet trip to the outlets with Kelly and Chlo Chlo.
Chloe, the munchkin of good cheer, sprinklin' extra good cheer for all.
***
Happy sweet 16th 35th, Mr!
(uh, that dude in the background was a total creeper and wouldn't stop staring at us all night.)
beefy
tunalicious
We celebrated this man
last Saturday. I didn't tell Steve until Friday night that 20 some of our loves would be showing up to ring in his 35th year.
It was a wonderful night to remember.
so serious.
Kurt performed some awesome magic tricks in the kitchen.
muffin says, "party up in here!"
the prize winning photos of the night.
like mother, like daughter
my thoughtful and sweet homemade gift from jen. :)
beautiful.
***
A visit with sweetheart, Noah, and his Mama before some cleaning was sure to put a smile on my face.
