The Heart of Life

 "The Heart Of Life" - John Mayer

 


It's been a week since I last sat down and got comfortable on my favorite spot on the couch. 
A week since I last wrote.  And a week since we said goodbye to 2011.

In a word, 2012 has been...

Intense.

My nani passed away on January 2nd.

It hasn't been until this morning, that I've had time to transform some of these emotions into words.

I woke up extra early to give myself that time.

More importantly, to give thanks and remember my grandmother.

Her services are today.

My nani was 86.  She was bed ridden for 2 years.  But her mind...

Her mind was sharp. She remembered everything. 

And I admire that.

I remember a day this past summer.  My mom and I were going through the hutch in my nani's living room.  I kept finding old photographs.  Many of nani when she was younger.  With her family...my pop - pop...their friends.

I took a handful of them to her.  And told her I'd be back with more.  At least ten minutes passed before I went back to her room.  And when I returned, she was still holding onto the same photo.  She hadn't put it down.  It was a photo of her, my grandfather, and their friends. 

I watched as she examined it and held it tightly. 

Usually, she'd have stories to go along with each picture.  But this time, she was quiet.

And I got it.  She was deep in that memory.

"You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing"

When my mom and I spent last Friday in the hospital - deep down, I had a feeling. 

But at the same time, I saw her coming home.  I never imagined spending New Year's day and night in the ICU.  Seeing my nani hooked up to all those machines.  Depending on oxygen. Barely moving....

It broke my heart.  When Steve and I walked in, and I saw my mom sitting beside the bed, holding her mother's hand, crying heavy tears...

It broke my heart more.

Monday, we sat in room #371 with the lights off and only the sound of the monitors. We were all tired.

And though I tried to hide it,

I was scared.

I was scared because I had never been in the presence of someone dying.

I was scared because it was my nani, who was dying.  And the nurses told us she didn't have much time.

I was scared because the machines kept flashing red.  On and off for hours.  Making us aware her blood pressure was lowering.

I was scared she'd be in pain when the time came.

I was scared for my mom.

At a little past 8:40 pm, on Monday night, my nani took her last breath.

And as much as I think about that very moment,

it was the one following, that will remain in my mind heart always.

Minutes before nani passed, I stood close to my mom...my arm around her...my heart beating fast.

She was hurting so badly.

The monitor went to zero.  Nani was still.  Nani was in peace.

 And us - we were feeling every bit of it.

My mom and I looked at one another.  I whispered, "she's passed."

And within seconds, I was sandwiched tightly between my mom and brother, Nicholas.

I can remember the sound of our loud cries and the way the tears fell.  The way my mom's hair felt as I ran my fingers through it to comfort her. I can remember the way my nani's hand felt in mine.  The way my brother squeezed me closer as my mom's tears got heavier.  And Steve wrapping his arms around all of us.

It stayed that way for a good thirty minutes.

It was hard.  It was sad. 

It was beautiful.

And I wasn't scared anymore.

"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around"

The week before Christmas, I spent an afternoon with nani. I sat with my phone open to the gallery of hundreds and hundreds of photos of the kitties.  (If possible, she loved cats more than I do.)  I went on and on about each photo.  She'd laugh.  Call them little buggers.  Smile and pull the phone closer to her to get a better look.  She paused after the 300th photo and said, "You're going to make a good mommy one day." 

I choked back tears.  Thanked her.  And I told her...

that in the coming months Steve and I would be using a sperm donor to become parents.

She, knowing a decent amount of the first year of our journey, looked at me and said, "Oh, Maria, it's been a long time since you talked about it.  I always wondered, but didn't want to upset you."

And I'm crying.  Because when I think about my grandmother - now and years ago - I always respected who she was.  She was humble.  Never prideful. She never claimed to have any answers.  She didn't gossip or brag. 

She'd tell you stories and you'd listen.  You'd tell her stories and she'd listen.

She used words like, "blouse" and "rouge" and "naturally."

When she was mad, she'd curse in Hungarian.  (And sometimes, tell my Mom she was going to bite her nose off.)

She'd tell me, "It's okay, I think I made poops in my diaper!," when I proudly farted in front of her.

That was nani.

She had no shame.

She was honest.

***

The last words nani said to my mom were...

"Happy New Year"

And you know what,

It is.  And it will be.

"Life goes by in mid - July

Just like it does on New Year's Day

There's a comfort in the good old times
You don't feel so far away"  
(Alison Krauss - Frozen Fields)

***

Instead of focusing on 365 days at a time, I want to work on focusing on each day at a time.

The first days of 2012 have taught and proved to me - so much in such a short amount of time.

Days can be long.  Sleep doesn't always come easy.

People can either help one another or hurt one another.

They can act heartless or heal your heart.

Loss should be grieved.  Life should be celebrated.

Love does conquer all.

And the heart of life...

"The heart of life is good."

happy new year day.

With all my  Love,