"When I Get Where I'm Going" Brad Paisley featuring Dolly Parton
*this song is a lasting favorite. it will never grow old to me.
The ones that seem to keep occurring every 27/28 days...
They're getting old.
That's why I'm going to keep this post on the shorter side. (well, shorter for my posts anyway)
Sunday, I found myself driving on the same exact road, crying the same kind of tears, as the ones in THIS POST.
Again, this wasn't our month. The range of emotions that are swimming through my mind are growing as the months pass. I don't think it's so much a bad thing. I think it's slowly but surely getting me to the place I need to be. And I accept that. I have to.
I was hopeful this past weekend. Extra hopeful. It was free of plans. Steve was away. I thought of it as time relax and enjoy the house to myself. And, I had what I thought were some pretty good symptoms. When my period didn't show on Saturday, when it was due, it got my hopes up. I didn't want to admit it, but it did. I think a lot of us on this journey; we don't like to admit when we think we stand a chance. It's a way to protect ourselves from more hurt and disappointment. It makes the negative a tiny bit more manageable.
That's why I didn't test this cycle. To protect myself. To hold onto the hope I had.
Of course, when my hopes were crushed, I did what I do best, and cried. Not instantly. But instead, while driving on that same busy road as last month. I fidgeted with the radio a million times, hoping to find a song to put me in better spirits. And instead, found myself crying the ugliest cry, complete with snotrockets and runny mascara, while settling for Roxette's, "It Must of Been Love"...
I didn't care who saw me.
I came home to Steve, who had only been home for about an hour. He felt bad. He was upset. And is just as disappointed as I am.
But, looking back on it, it is kind of funny...
I had to crack up when Steve told me he had a surprise for me. Flowers? No. Taco Bell? No.
How bout' a cardboard shaped suitcase full of Whitecastle Cheeseburgers that he picked up on his way home. LOL
I felt so bad as he stood there grinning from ear to ear, standing proudly with his case of 30 (YES, 30!) mini cheeseburgers.
I couldn't think of stomaching them at the moment.
I watched as Steve scarfed down a fifth of the suitcase's belongings.
He poured me a glass of wine. It literally took me three hours to drink half the glass.
He filled up my foot spa with warm water and put on LMN for me.
(which major EWWWW, the cats later tried to drink the "foot water" EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW *trust me kitties, you don't want any parts of that*)
In the past two years, we've grown to realize that sometimes, there just isn't anything to say about these instances. It is what it is. My period came. We can't change that. Just like with all of our losses...as much as we wanted to, we couldn't stop them as they were happening. Last night, after an emotional few hours...
Steve hugged me close. We stood there for a good ten minutes straight without saying a single word. I buried my face in his chest and he hugged me tighter. He begged me to get some sleep. Sleep didn't happen til after 5am. Sleep is something I NEED to work on.
I'm doing my best to focus on all that brings me joy. I'm doing my best to "get where I'm going" and get through the grieving and "letting go" aspect of it all.
Are we there yet?
Are we moving to the next chapter?
Not just yet.
Are we getting closer?
I hope and pray so.
While I had hoped this was our month...
While hoping that if it wasn't, I'd be ready to let go completely
I remind myself that it will all be worth it...no matter how many more months or maybe even years, til we reach our dream.
"Yeah when I get where I'm going
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years"
I remind myself and am reminded by loved ones, that we ARE getting there.
Each day is another day closer. Even the days that don't feel like it.
Wishing you all a Wonderful Day...as you get where you're going <3<3<3