Monday, September 26, 2011

When I Get Where I'm Going

"When I Get Where I'm Going"  Brad Paisley featuring Dolly Parton

*this song is a lasting favorite. it will never grow old to me.

Posts Weeks like these...
The ones that seem to keep occurring every 27/28 days...
They're getting old.

That's why I'm going to keep this post on the shorter side. (well, shorter for my posts anyway)

Sunday, I found myself driving on the same exact road, crying the same kind of tears, as the ones in THIS POST.

Again, this wasn't our month.  The range of emotions that are swimming through my mind are growing as the months pass.  I don't think it's so much a bad thing.  I think it's slowly but surely getting me to the place I need to be.  And I accept that.  I have to.

I was hopeful this past weekend.  Extra hopeful.  It was free of plans.  Steve was away.  I thought of it as time relax and enjoy the house to myself.  And, I had what I thought were some pretty good symptoms.  When my period didn't show on Saturday, when it was due, it got my hopes up.  I didn't want to admit it, but it did.  I think a lot of us on this journey; we don't like to admit when we think we stand a chance.  It's a way to protect ourselves from more hurt and disappointment.  It makes the negative a tiny bit more manageable. 

That's why I didn't test this cycle.  To protect myself.  To hold onto the hope I had. 
Of course, when my hopes were crushed, I did what I do best, and cried.  Not instantly.  But instead, while driving on that same busy road as last month.  I fidgeted with the radio a million times, hoping to find a song to put me in better spirits.  And instead, found myself crying the ugliest cry, complete with snotrockets and runny mascara, while settling for Roxette's, "It Must of Been Love"... 
I didn't care who saw me. 
I came home to Steve, who had only been home for about an hour.  He felt bad.  He was upset.  And is just as disappointed as I am.

But, looking back on it, it is kind of funny...

I had to crack up when Steve told me he had a surprise for me.  Flowers? No. Taco Bell? No.
How bout' a cardboard shaped suitcase full of Whitecastle Cheeseburgers that he picked up on his way home. LOL
I felt so bad as he stood there grinning from ear to ear, standing proudly with his case of 30 (YES, 30!) mini cheeseburgers.
I couldn't think of stomaching them at the moment.
I watched as Steve scarfed down a fifth of the suitcase's belongings.
He poured me a glass of wine.  It literally took me three hours to drink half the glass.
He filled up my foot spa with warm water and put on LMN for me.
(which major EWWWW, the cats later tried to drink the "foot water" EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW *trust me kitties, you don't want any parts of that*)

In the past two years, we've grown to realize that sometimes, there just isn't anything to say about these instances. It is what it is.  My period came.  We can't change that.  Just like with all of our much as we wanted to, we couldn't stop them as they were happening.  Last night, after an emotional few hours...

Steve hugged me close.  We stood there for a good ten minutes straight without saying a single word.  I buried my face in his chest and he hugged me tighter.  He begged me to get some sleep.  Sleep didn't happen til after 5am.  Sleep is something I NEED to work on. 

I'm doing my best to focus on all that brings me joy.  I'm doing my best to "get where I'm going" and get through the grieving and "letting go" aspect of it all. 

Are we there yet?
Not quite.

Are we moving to the next chapter?
Not just yet.

Are we getting closer?
I hope and pray so.

While I had hoped this was our month...
While hoping that if it wasn't, I'd be ready to let go completely
I remind myself that it will all be worth matter how many more months or maybe even years, til we reach our dream.

"Yeah when I get where I'm going
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years"

I remind myself and am reminded by loved ones, that we ARE getting there. 
Each day is another day closer.  Even the days that don't feel like it.

Wishing you all a Wonderful you get where you're going <3<3<3


Kathy said...

Maria I so feel for you as I read your posts. I was in the same place as you find yourslef and it was so hard. As sad as I was I too kept focusing on all that was right, good husband, nice home, good job, good family and I was grateful for those things, yet I still wanted to be someplace else. It is my lifes work to be happy where I am, and it is hard!!! You know that my story had a "happy ending" and I really belive that one of the reasons I so love my life is becasue I know how hard to took me to get here. Maria years from now when you are covered in mess and children are screaming around you I'm sure you will feel as happy and blessed as I do. It is a strange gift to work so hard for the life we get, but it is a gift, for we appreciate everything so much more!!! xoxo

Maria said...

White Castle and a foot bath? Certainly not as thrilling as pregnancy but as consolation prizes go, not too shabby. Well, i should admit that I have never had White Castle but what can be bad about a suitcase of cheeseburgers? A million hugs are coming your way.

Mrs. E said...

I can't wait to celebrate with you when you get where you're going :) Thinking of you and sending lots of love and hugs!!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXO!

Nicole Gilbert said...

Thinking of you, and you right every day you really are one day closer to getting where your going :) perfectly said, as always. Hoping you have a peaceful week! said...

Maria, I am so so sad for you right now. I wish I gad some way to help heal your heart. Your perspective is good. Each day that passes brings you one day closer to where you want to be. Much love and hugs! XOXOXOXO

Stephanie of Gumdrop Pass said...

Maria -

So sorry to hear that this wasn't your month - but your outlook is right... you're getting closer and closer every day to what WILL be your month/day/hour/minute. :)

Know that I'm thinking about you today! I hope your day goes well today and that Steve keeps doing sweet things for you :) Suitcases of cheeseburgers - a dream! ;)

<3 Stephanie

Jessica @ TheCrazyChaoticHouse said...

My heart goes out to you and is aching for you. When I read your stories it makes me feel so blessed to have my two boys. We fought for a year and lost two babies but it eventually worked out for us. I know one day it will work for you guys. You seem like a very strong woman with lots of support so keep fighting and stay strong:)

Rebecca said...

Maria I'm so sorry xoxoxoxo. I know those cries you are talking about. You can't breathe or see. I get those every month when my period arrives. I know, its so unfair. You have been thru so much.....I really hope your rainbow comes soon. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better............ :) ........xxxooo Just know you aren't alone! I'm right there with you.....


lovejoy_31 said...

I am so very sorry Maria! I'm still praying for you. it's such a hard thing to deal with and it's unfair that any of us has to deal with either infertility, miscarriages or babyloss. I say it just like I say with my mom's tumor and prognosis, It just SUCKS!!!!!!!!!

Aleisha McD said...

Sweetie Pie!!!!!!! I have not forgotten you!!! I have thought of you everyday and have been wanting to send you an email. It seems my life got suddenly hectic for a bit, but you've been in my thoughts. This post was extraordinary in that it stirred the emotions in my heart and made me feel and laugh and cry. (The foot fungal water as kitty refreshment....SO FUNNY!!! Okay, okay...NOT that you HAVE foot fungus.) Wish I could hop in my car and come give you a hug and a taco. But that would take what?..Like two days of driving??? HA! I ADORE you, I'm praying for you, I'm SO GLAD you're my friend. Hang in there and keep the faith!

MrsV said...

:'( I know there is really nothing I can say that would be useful or helpful. But I will say that I hope more than anything in this world to be able to read your blog and/or Facebook post when you finally get "there" and I hope that day arrives soon. You and Steve are very strong people and together you will get there because I know you will never give up. Stay strong <3 <3 <3

Bernadette & Duane said...


I am thinking of you and sending huge hugs. The problem with "getting there" with infertility is that we are never privileged to know ahead of time when we are going to actually get "there." It completely takes us by surprise. But, I know, that when you do get "there" it is all going to be so worth it and you are just going to make THE MOST AMAZING mommy in the whole wide world!!! xo

Judy Haughton-James said...

Awesome post Maria! I pray and hope everything will work out fine for you and Steve. You are such a wonderful person that I know you will make a great mother! Take care and have a wonderful Wednesday.

LOVE MELISSA:) said...

Maria, my heart goes out to you. You are the sweetest person and I know your time will come! I will pray for you guys. You will be an amazing mother one day. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to contact me. You do have a great outlook. Stay strong!!

Kelly @ Stay at Home Trader said...

You know how much I love you - like, more than you love your cats. Woah.... Let me profess my love for you on Blogger. I am classayyyyy. I am thinking about you so much, and I know how hard all of this is. Another month....another disappointment...and another month of showers of love from your friends and family. And, not just because of this situation...because we all love you and appreciate the person that you are - and your giving, hilarious, and loving spirit. You are holding strong, and I know when it's time, you'll know. Love ya so much! xoxoxoxoxoo

Stephanie said...

Maria... I really don't know what to say :( I guess there's not that much except that I am thinking of you and Steve and praying that you two will get where you want to be... And soon! I can't even imagine going through this and I'm thinking of you!

On a lighter note... I love how you put t bell? No... But a suitcase full of burgers - lol! Steve sounds too sweet! As always you crack me up!

Hope your week is getting better by the second!!! Xoxo, Stephanie

Rachel Marie said...

Oh Maria, this made me tear up. I am having the same issues in my life. I have decided to leave it to God. He will make it happen when HE knows we're ready ... not when we THINK we're ready. Lovely post, and it is inspiring. You're inspiring other people who are going through the exact same things you are. It helps to know you are not alone love :) Hang in there and stop it with those snot rockets ;)

Danielle said...

Following you back from Life With Two Boys.. Thanks for stopping by!

One Cool Lunch said...

Maria, I am a new follower but I am sending thoughts and prayers your way. I have good friends with the same struggles and I hope you get your happy tears sooner than later.


waitingforarainbow said...

The tears are so hard to fight back when you realize you've lost another month. It's always so heartbreaking, and those loud, messy, insane cries are just what we need to prepare ourselves for the next month. Nothing helps the tears come out like a song. It's not the song that makes you emotional, it's what comes to mind when you hear it. I had so much hope for you after you bought all that great baby makin stuff. Like you said though, the time will come.. your BFP, your little miracle. I know it's hard to wait, and deal with all the pain, but you and I know that your time *IS* coming. At least you have that to think about.

Thank you for the happy birthday wish:). You know what's cute? On my birthday I was playing pandora on my phone while getting ready. I was alone and kind of sad, wishin for the baby that was supposed to be due in November. Then a song I had never heard before, but was so beautiful, came on. I looked, and it was adele. I instantly thought of you, and smiled. I need to listen to her more often! Thanks for being such a good friend. I'm always thinking of you, and praying for you. Lots of love <3.. and ugghh enormous amounts of baby dust to you!

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