Monday, March 11, 2013

Timing Is Everything

"Timing Is Everything" - Garrett Hedlund
two weeks away from our due date. 
And almost three and a half years since Steve and I began this journey.
Time is a funny thing. 

I've been sitting here for at least a half an hour.  Just playing back all the memories from the past years - the almost eight years Steve and I have been together.  Pressing rewind, allowing myself to visit all those instances that led us here.  I read through many of my previous posts over the weekend...some being my very first entries.  Words, I remember taking what seemed like forever to bring to life and feel confident enough to say out loud. 
There's something so liberating and exhilarating about just putting it all out there and not being ashamed of the struggles and heartache you're facing. I look back to almost two years ago, when I started this blog, and I wonder where I'd be had I not had the courage to just start typing on that long, exhausting, lonely night. 
Would I be where I am today? 
Writing, for me, has been one of the greatest forms of expressing myself.  Steve and I were just talking about it - how sometimes you just need to splash those thoughts, dreams and fears all down where you can see them in order to truly feel them and get through them. 
Steve's been working on a post (the one that will follow this one).  Last night, he sat in the office with the door shut, music playing and a glass of red.  And I knew to leave him alone. 
I wanted him to have and take all the time he wanted and needed in order
 to pour it all out without any interruptions.

I've been thinking a lot lately...
About time

Doesn't it always seem to pass by so slowly when you're in desperate need for answers...when you'd give anything just to get where you wanna be so badly.
And doesn't it always seem to just fly on by when you want nothing more than to just soak up a few more minutes...hours...weeks...

It took what seemed like so much time for Steve and I to get here.
It made us crazy sometimes.  Absolutely crazy.
But I'll say it again, we wouldn't trade it for anything...the road we had to travel to get to where we are now.  In our almost three years of trying, there were days I didn't think I could possibly love Steve any more than I already did.  The intense passion that comes from being vulnerable together proved to be amazing for our relationship.  But there were many trying days too.  Days, I imagined myself beating him with a sizzling frying pan or taping his mouth shut
 and locking him in the basement.
There were times we'd lay in bed at night and have the most intimate of talks, bringing us to a connection so deep, I knew that this was all happening for a reason...a good reason.
And then there were times all that positivity would seem to just fly out the window...
We would sling harsh words at one another.  Heck, I even slung pepperoni pizza at Steve once.

But that insane, crazy, beautiful, memorable, one hell of a roller-coaster ride
was our saving grace.

Looking back, time was always on our side.
We just didn't know it yet.

I look at Steve in such a completely different way than I did years ago.  Even months ago.
I, of course, have always loved him deeply.  But, the bullshit...the agony...all the decisions we were forced to face together...they brought our love to a new level.
And this sweet, little baby girl...
She brings out a side of Steve that is hard not to fall even more in love with.
And to think, she's not even here yet.  I can't wait to tell her how excited her daddy was the whole time I carried her.  At times, I think he was/is more excited than I was/am.  And I guess that shouldn't surprise me all that much.  But I think back to over two years ago, when we got the news of Steve's inversion.
I feared for us.  I feared for Steve.  I feared for the chance at ever having a family.
But most of all, a family with Steve.  I feared it could drive us apart.
It took many months - about a half a year for Steve to begin to come to terms with it all.
I remember the night I wrote this post.
A giant weight lifted.
A few months later, we were ready to accept it all.

And a few months after that, we were ready to embrace it all.

It's funny, I haven't mentioned those two words...
"sperm donor"
in quite some time.

For months, in the past, they took hold of me like no other. I stayed up at night, with never-ending restlessness, wondering if Steve would ever come to terms with his inversion...if he'd ever be able to open up and talk about our options...but most of all, if he'd ever truly want to take that route.
It, being the one our doctor recommended, the best and healthiest (and eventually the only) option if it meant me carrying a child.
I used to worry that he wouldn't or couldn't love our child as much if it wasn't genetically his.
And I think I worried about that not because I would feel that way if the roles were reversed, but because Steve wouldn't open up to me for so long.  And I really had no clue as to what was going on inside that head of his.

I remember Thanksgiving Eve 2010.  We had just received the news the week prior.  We walked into town to meet friends for dinner and drinks. I knew Steve was all kinds of vulnerable and though he had tried to keep his cool that week, I could sense it was all gonna come crumbling that night.  Steve only had two drinks and was an absolute mess.  Crying at the table.  Making no sense with his words.  I was embarrassed but so much more so, heartbroken for him.  And at the same time, relieved he was letting it all out. On our walk home, he leaned on me as he dialed one of his best friends.  Steve hadn't told him the news yet and decided that during his melancholy state of mind, at midnight on Thanksgiving Eve, would be the best time to call.  I didn't stop him.  I can remember his very first words to his friend, cutting me to my very core - "I'm a loser.  I can't give Maria and me a baby."
I'm crying as I type right now.  Because, if I want to go there, it's all still locked in my heart
and always will be.

But mostly, I'm crying because time is such a gift.  And I see now, the unbelievable lessons and beauty that can come from pain.
You could be so caught up in a certain nothing will ever go your could lose all your faith and give up.  Or you can go through every emotion under the sun, allow yourself to feel every bit of that pain, give it try after try and see where it takes you.
You just need to give time a chance. 

I can tell you now, those two words - sperm donor...they don't make me cringe or cry or feel scared.
I'm so damn thankful for them.
Years ago, I used to think they'd always be there...lurking around, making us question if we made the right decision.  It's not even a thought and hasn't been for a very long time.

Some people ask and I'm sure many wonder...
Will we tell our daughter how she was conceived?

Yes.  Without a doubt.  She will know of our entire journey. When the time is right - when she's not too young and not too old. 
She will know her daddy and I used a sperm donor.  She will know we tried and tried and were pregnant seven times before she came into our lives.
  She will know that despite it all,
we wouldn't wish for it to be any other way.

I remember upon getting the news of Steve's inversion, feeling really heartbroken when I realized we may never be able to conceive a child the "normal" way.  I remember feeling somewhat stripped of the magic of making a baby.  And that it was just so "different"...
And it's funny, because now...
I realize, where yes, years ago, neither Steve or I would have ever predicted this is the path we would have taken to begin our family...

It isn't so different at all. 
So, she doesn't have Steve's DNA.  I mean, of course, we both know she doesn't.  And every once in a while when we think about it, it's almost a shock.  Because it's not a big deal at all anymore.  And because, let's face's amazing...the whole process that got us here.   To be completely honest, it doesn't really cross my mind all that often that she is half of me.  That may sound weird, but I think it's because all that really matters in the end is that we have so much love to give to our daughter.  No matter what our child's genetic makeup, we are living our dream.
 We are starting our family.
She is ours, regardless of her DNA.

 And so we didn't conceive her after a night (or many nights) of passionate love.
One thing is for sure, love brought her to us.  A whole lotta love.  She was made through love.
She is a miracle.
Just like every baby in this world. 

My phone just beeped a few minutes ago, signaling I had an email - "The Daily Kick - Week 38"
How have thirty-eight weeks passed already? 
We spent three times the amount of those thirty-eight weeks trying to get here.
And now, I sit here in complete awe of  the little girl that is squirming and dancing around inside of me, doing her best to try and get comfy with the little room that's left.
A lot of people ask us if we're ready.  We're ready.  I mean, the nursery is complete.  She has about 700+ diapers to get her started and so many clothes, blankets and pacifiers, we could open up our own shop.  Steve even set up her monitor, though she won't be sleeping in her crib for probably a few months.  Are we ready to meet her - yes, absolutely.  I think about it every single day, maybe every minute, sometimes. 

But I know that our hearts, though overflowing with extreme love, can't even begin to fathom how they'll swell when we see our daughter for the first time.  We can think we're ready for the love that will wrap around us in that very moment...but I know, deep down, it's going to truly hit us right then and there. 

People also ask me if I want her to just be here already.
And that's a tough one.  Because being pregnant, carrying her, feeling her grow and stretch and live inside of me...
has been the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced.
She's with me always.

And I guess, my answer is - I want her to come when she's ready.
I don't want to rush these last precious few weeks, days or possible hours.
The time it took us to get here compared to the time I've been pregnant...
It's taught us to really appreciate every single day.  The good and the bad.
Because the good days and even more so,
 the bad days...
  They're teachers.  They're life changers.  They're lessons in love.

And time...

If you trust in it.  Be patient with it.  Lose yourself and then dust off and try again.
  Keep hope locked deep inside.  Have faith in it...

You'll one day learn that it will bring you the greatest of blessings...

I received this gift in the mail today from my dear friend, Diana. 
It couldn't have come at a more perfect time.
It means so very much to me.
Thank you so much, Diana.

Baby girl, you'll read these words one day.  You'll read all of them. 
Thank you for all you've taught your daddy and I.
Thank you for making us better people than we were before you.
Thank you for bringing out the best in us. 
Our journey to you was not an easy one.  But it was an amazing one. 
And I believe with every ounce of me, that you...
You were waiting for us all these years.

38 weeks as of yesterday...

You are our meant to be.
I love you.

"When the stars line up
and you catch a good break
and people think you're lucky
but you know it’s grace
it can happen so fast
or a little bit late
Timing is everything"


I'll be back at the end of the week with a guest post from Steve.

I hope everyone has a wonderful week.

Lovin' Every Day,


Stephanie N. said...

Absolutely beautiful, tear worthy list, Maria. <3 I could not be any more happy for you, Steve, and your little baby girl. So blessed and so deserving!

Maria said...

Beautiful. You are so right about loving and enjoying the miracle of the pregnancy for as long as baby wants. With as wonderful as it will be when she is here, I promise you will long for those days when she was rolling around in your belly. So sit, focus hard, and remember these days, but also know that the best is yet to come!

Mike Beani said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
lovejoy_31 said...

Love this. Love you. Can't stop tearing up. This baby is so lucky and LOVED!!!


M said...

Yep, totally crying now! I can relate to this post in so many ways! There are no words to express how happy I, and so many others, are for you guys! Like you, I can't wait for the new chapter to begin, but at the same time trying to savor each and every moment left until then!

Valerie said...

Long time lurker- I just had to come out of hiding to say how beautiful and apropos this is. I wish you and your amazing, strong husband all of the joy coming to you upon the birth of your miracle baby, and so much more! Congratulations Mommy!

Irish Carter of Dedicated 2 LIFE said...

What a beautiful post and rememberance of everything you have gone through together. Truly beautiful story and it wont be long now and you will be able to hold that little lady in your arms. You are both such an inspiring story Maria.



Rian Eidson said...

Ah, Maria. The tears are flowing and falling into my smile. What a beautiful, honest, heart felt post!!! I can never say enough how happy i am for you and Steve. No two people are more deserving of this gift. Y'all are beautiful as a couple and with baby girl you will make a beautiful family!!!! So much love and blessings coming your way!! Xoxoxo

Faith said...

Is it strange that I'm in tears? This post was beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. You and Steve have such beautiful hearts and baby girl is so, so blessed to have y'all as parents.

Two more weeks until your love is here! I'm so excited for the two of you!

Kerry said...

Oh my word, what an absolutely amazing and beautiful post!! Hi sweet friend, I am sorry it has taken me so long to get back over here to visit you, life got in the way and it resulted in me having a little break from being online. Truth be told, I thought of you so much as you approach your due date. I am having trouble accepting that you only have two weeks to go!!!! Holy moly how did that happen?
You write so beautifully and honestly and you had me absorbed in this post from start to finish.
No matter how baby girl was made, Steve will always be her daddy. He will be hers from day one, and she will be wrapped around his little finger no doubt about it! I am so happy that you guys don't even think about those two words, all that matters here is love. When you guys meet that baby for the very first time, you won't even think about genetics, you'll just feel an overwhelming love so deep and a desire to protect her from the world. I hope you both have the most fabulous next two weeks, I wish I could give you a huge hug!!! Sending lots of love from your baby girls adopted Aussie Aunt :) xoxoxo

JustBean said...

What more can I say?...beautiful post...your honesty is touching...I am so very happy for you two (soon to be three!)

Ashley said...

Seriously crying right now! You have such a way with words, Maria and you can always move me with them. You are right about thinking that you can be prepared for what you feel, but once you see your little girl you will feel something so intense that you could never have even fathomed it. Your little girl is so lucky to have two parents as wonderful as you. You are right, love is what made her!

Puzzle peace said...

words cannot describe how much i love your blog and these posts. and now we have gotten more since no more working..yay!!! i totally picture you and steve with your daughter who will be here soon enough. enjoy this most special time!

MammaV. said...

Maria, before starting our journey as a lesbian couple trying to have a baby we discussed the sperm donor thing a lot. Would it be best to ask somebody we knew or to use an anonymous? Would we be ok with the whole not 100% our DNA an all that? Well once my partner got pregnant I tell you, nothing else matters! We kind of forgot all about the donor, it was our daughter growing and we were over te moon!
We she was born it was amazing! I always see my partner in her, not knowing the donor we cannot relate him to her at all.

She is our daughter and I never felt less her mum because she 's not biologically mine. And now that she's 2 she is able to make me feel like the best of mums, it's all about love and not DNA.

I'm sure it will be the same for you guys!!! I'm nearly 40 weeks and this guy is making us wait... Let's see who comes first!

Enjoy every second Maria and Steve. Your daughter is so lucky to have you.

Alex[andra] said...

This post made me tear up. What a beautiful journey you and Steve have been on.

There's a song, with the same title (Timing Is Everything), by my favourite artist, Lights. It's actually one of my favourite songs, so I was impressed with the title you chose for this post. Although the song is a bit upbeat, her words still make sense.

She says:

"There I was, none the wiser,
Both of us, different trajectories.
Who'd have thought we'd be right here, in this spot,
Timing is everything."

Those lines have had a lot of meaning to me, but personally, I think they speak for you as well.

I'm so happy for you, Maria. You are a strong, beautiful woman and you, Steve and Baby Girl deserve so much happiness. Thank you for sharing your journey.

Side note: Your hair is amazing! I must know your secret to making it so shiny!

Janet said...

Speechless...beautiful, beautiful post Maria xoxo

JP said...

It's all about perspective, and I love the one you have. The attitude you (and Steve) have is a choice. You each could have let your struggles rip you up and tear you apart, but that's not what you did. You're here and whole and happy, and soon, there will be a tiny, precious girl filling your arms after filling your heart for these months. My excitement for you and Steve is HUGE! I can't wait to hear all about her.
Love, JP

mail4rosey said...

You always write the most beautiful posts, and I got mad at my husband for calling in the middle of it because I had to stop reading, lol. :) Of course, I told him no such thing, I'm supposed to be doing my dissertation. ;)

mail4rosey said...

Oh yeah, and 38 weeks, WOOOOOOOOOT!

Lacey said...

First of all.. umm, I'm crying in my office alone right now. Such a beautiful post!

Secondly, Oh my gosh!!! I can't beleive you are 2 weeks away! Seriously, where has the time gone?

You look AMAZING mama! I can't wait to see pictures of your sweet baby girl!

Heather said...

Beautiful, beautiful, tear-inducing post. This sweet baby is so lucky to you and Steve as parents. 38 weeks! ahh!!! Much love to you!

Our Journey Through This Lovely Life said...

So Beautiful Maria! I just love you! I am so excited that you are 38 weeks! Have a lovely week! Much Love~

Camille DiPaola said...

Oh goodness, Maria. *tears*

I loved all of this. So beautiful.

Haha! Def loved the "hit him with a sizzling frying pan". We've alllll been there ;).


Tracy said...

A beautiful post! Time is most definitely a gift. Have a wonderful week!

Judy Haughton-James said...

Beautiful post Maria! I am very happy for you and Steve. The days are moving so quickly and the big day will soon be here. I am so glad you decided to blog about your experiences. First of all it has proven to be therapeutic for you and guess what?! I have found a wonderful bloggy friend!:) Enjoy every moment as the clock ticks away. I look forward to Steve's post. Love, Friendship and lots of best wishes to you, Steve and Beano!

Lora said...

This is my third attempt at leaving a comment..I just don't know what to say..this post is so precious. "You are our meant to be"...if I hadn't already been a gibbering fool before I got to that point, that line would have destroyed me..
So beautiful.
Sending heaps of love,

Jen said...

38 weeks! I've not been this excited about a due date since my own : ) Hope you have a wonderful, peaceful and blessed time as this precious waiting comes to an end xx

Lisa said...'s been ages since I stopped by and I don't know what prompted me to, but I just felt I had to check in on you. I was dying to see if you'd gotten pregnant and how things were going! I'm so excited to see the good news! I'm so happy for you and Steve! You look amazing and you're soooo close to the end! I hope the last little bit goes well for you and that very soon you're holding your beautiful baby girl in your arms! *hugs*

Anonymous said...

If every child could be welcomed into the world the way this little one is going to be, I do believer we would have a kinder world with much less hurt and evil in it. I maintain hope you & your husband will become infectious to those around you and spread out amongst others. Beautiful post, beautiful song, beautiful child with the blessings of all. Hugs to you both. Tammy

Jess @ said...

You need to stop reducing me to puddles of mush....every true.

Ashley at flats to flip flops said...

You are so right! The best timing isn't always our timing! I can't believe you are so close! So excited for you!
P.s. I just friended you on FB..why haven't we done that before?

Miki said...

Hi, Maria! WOW! You're due in almost a week now, woohoo! ;D

I read this post a couple of days ago and for some reason, I couldn't comment; I think we had to leave and I wanted to take my time to word this comment properly.

Maria, your words move me so much! I am so happy to have met you through this blog! I feel that I have so much to learn from you, girl! You're so grateful, loving, caring (insert all kinds of awesome adjectives here) ... Every time I come here, I read you, I feel touched and I can't help looking back at everything I've been through (both good and sad experiences) and a big smile is drawn on my face, because you're so right; all the moments we've lived have led us to where we are today and today I am a happy soul :). There are things I'd have done differently for sure, but they've made me who I am today and for that I'm grateful.

Thank you for being such a wonderful person, Maria! I can only imagine what a rad mom you'll be! Can't wait to meet your little girl!!! :D

I'll be thinking about you guys a lot and wishing you all the best!

Tight hugs!!!

Heather Nelsen said...

Beautiful. I love the way you write with total honesty- I just get lost in every one of your posts. Counting down the days for you guys. :)


Hanna said...

Wow Maria, this post made me cry!!! Yes, I am a sleep deprived hormonal mess but this is truly a beautiful post! I did not know of your story until now! My sister gave birth to 3 beautiful, healthy children using a sperm donor. I think it's magnificent and so happy for you both! She is so blessed:) congratulations your beautiful!!!!! So excited for your journey! Xoxo H

Jenny said...

Such beautiful words....

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