"Dream" - Priscilla Ahn
Do you ever find yourself saying "Is this really my life?"
Is this really my life?
I've said it a lot lately.
I've found myself saying it in the most ecstatic, loud n' proud voice - totally envisioning myself skipping through a sunny meadow as I cling to my happy, little girl. Because that's what it feels like when Piper is in my arms.
I've said it to myself as I hold back tears and swallow the massive lump in my throat whenever I think about my father.
This weekend, Steve, Piper and I had such a great time - surrounded by so much love and celebration.
There were birthdays. And giggles. And a brand spankin' new baby welcomed into the world.
And then yesterday, my mom and I went to visit my dad. And my heart sunk. I cried hard. But not nearly as hard as I needed to.
To go from the most extreme happiness to the deepest heartache all at once...
It's hard to juggle such intense emotions sometimes. And to know where to put it all.
Gazing into my daughter's beautiful, bright blue eyes - so full of life...
Listening to to her squeal with delight as she discovers something new...
It's pure bliss.
Wishing so badly I could look into my father's eyes yesterday...
and that he had enough energy to open them...
Standing in that dark, depressing room with my mom and mostly silence and the sound of our sniffles and cries.
The other day I was driving and Adele's "Hiding My Heart" came on and I just lost it.
Because lately, I've been burying some of my heart - keeping it far, far away from the surface.
And that's not me.
That's not me at all.
I've been on very little sleep lately. Miss Pips decided to throw away her sleep-through-the-night routine a few weeks ago. Like I said, I can't complain. She slept through the night the weeks I needed it most - she literally started the night before my father's heart attack.
So, last night, when she woke up wailing with some definite (and not-like-her gas pains), I rocked her in the dark as I rubbed her back and kissed her head. I held her so close to my chest and told her how sorry I was she was hurting. I asked her if it was okay if Mommy cried too.
And then we cried together.
And it felt so good.
Eventually, the tears ended. Sleep came. (As well as a giant poo - from Piper, not me)
And also, a fresh, new week began.
It's been kinda crazy - keeping track of the passing days and weeks (and years, even).
But last week, I was looking through some old photos and stopped what I was doing and got lost for a bit. I found a photo that was taken exactly a year ago.
"Is this really my life?" I said to myself.
I got the chills. I felt like I was dreaming as I stared at the photo. There I was, a year ago, smiling proudly and holding onto that flimsy paper all full of black and white with a tiny circle floating in the middle of it all.
And here I am now.
And that tiny, little circle...
She's in my arms.
Her name is Piper. And she's a dream.
A real dream come true.
So when I find myself wrapped up in those nightmare-ish moments,
I'll let it out. I won't hide my heart.
I'll feel what I feel.
I'll wrap myself up in the dreamy moments.
And I'll remember that...
This is my life.
And it's a damn good one.
A million and eight memories from the past weeks...
Piper videos for your viewing pleasure...
If you listen closely, you'll hear she answered me with a toot.
She's just like her mama.
Frozen yogurt date
Piper was sad she didn't get a taste.
"Really?! You guys think this pink spoon is gonna do it for me?
Gimmie a taste of your fro-yo now!"
Mommy and Daddy exploded with smiles. And so did Pips. She loved checking herself out.
Happy 4th of July!
Pretty, pretty dress and shoes from Aunt J - perfect for Piper's first 4th
Meeting Jessica <3
Again, I explode...
This babe loves chewin'.
Tummy time with Deeds <3
Piper's first trip to the K.O.P. mall and Friday's
She loved the music and was eyein' up our food and drinks.
Moonchie n' me <3
Piper's 1st rainbow
Video - she's almost walkin' ;)
And funny faces
We surprised Daddy at work <3
<3 exploding again...
Flippin' the bird...again
Just some food
Bathtime with Dee Dee <3
She rocks tummy time...
Piper loves hangin' out on the deck...
Dee Dee surprised her with this super cute inflatable circle of fun a few weeks ago.
I'm not sure who likes it more...Piper, or us.
She is one adorable bathing beauty.
I found this suit for her months ago and couldn't wait to break it out.
I really can't take it! :)
Video - there was a fly in the house...crazy cats!
I love when she sleeps on me.
Video - Piper's 1st trip to Walmart and Target with me and Dee Dee
She loved it. She took it all in and had her very first giggles in the toy section.
She couldn't stop staring at Elmo. She was literally hitting him.
I LOL everytime I see this picture.
Dee Dee and her have so much fun together!
How I found her once we arrived home. I snort-laughed.
We love Saturday mornings with Daddy.
Video - Saturday mornin' chats with Daddy
Walk into town for an ice cream date <3
We were crackin' up...she couldn't take her eyes off our cones.
I'll be back at the end of the week with Piper's 3 month post.
I've got lots of catching up to do - this babe's almost 4 months!
Wishing everyone a dreamy week. <3