Monday, July 22, 2013


"Dream" - Priscilla Ahn

Do you ever find yourself saying "Is this really my life?"  

Is this really my life?  

I've said it a lot lately.
I've found myself saying it in the most ecstatic, loud n' proud voice - totally envisioning myself skipping through a sunny meadow as I cling to my happy, little girl.  Because that's what it feels like when Piper is in my arms.
I've said it to myself as I hold back tears and swallow the massive lump in my throat whenever I think about my father.

This weekend, Steve, Piper and I had such a great time - surrounded by so much love and celebration.
There were birthdays.  And giggles.  And a brand spankin' new baby welcomed into the world.
And then yesterday, my mom and I went to visit my dad.  And my heart sunk.  I cried hard.  But not nearly as hard as I needed to.  

To go from the most extreme happiness to the deepest heartache all at once...
It's hard to juggle such intense emotions sometimes.  And to know where to put it all.

Gazing into my daughter's beautiful, bright blue eyes - so full of life...
Listening to to her squeal with delight as she discovers something new...
It's pure bliss.
 Wishing so badly I could look into my father's eyes yesterday...
and that he had enough energy to open them...
Standing in that dark, depressing room with my mom and mostly silence and the sound of our  sniffles and cries.
It's torture.

The other day I was driving and Adele's "Hiding My Heart" came on and I just lost it.
Because lately, I've been burying some of my heart - keeping it far, far away from the surface.  
And that's not me.
 That's not me at all.

 I've been on very little sleep lately.  Miss Pips decided to throw away her sleep-through-the-night routine a few weeks ago.  Like I said, I can't complain.  She slept through the night the weeks I needed it most - she literally started the night before my father's heart attack.  
So, last night, when she woke up wailing with some definite (and not-like-her gas pains), I rocked her in the dark as I rubbed her back and kissed her head.  I held her so close to my chest and told her how sorry I was she was hurting.  I asked her if it was okay if Mommy cried too. 
 And then we cried together.
And it felt so good.
Eventually, the tears ended.  Sleep came.  (As well as a giant poo - from Piper, not me)
And also, a fresh, new week began.

It's been kinda crazy - keeping track of the passing days and weeks (and years, even).
But last week, I was looking through some old photos and stopped what I was doing and got lost for a bit.  I found a photo that was taken exactly a year ago.

"Is this really my life?" I said to myself.

I got the chills.  I felt like I was dreaming as I stared at the photo.  There I was, a year ago, smiling proudly and holding onto that flimsy paper all full of black and white with a tiny circle floating in the middle of it all.

And here I am now.
And that tiny, little circle...
She's in my arms.   
Her name is Piper.  And she's a dream.
A real dream come true.

So when I find myself wrapped up in those nightmare-ish moments,
I'll let it out.  I won't hide my heart.
I'll feel what I feel.
I'll wrap myself up in the dreamy moments.
And I'll remember that...

This is my life.
And it's a damn good one.

A million and eight memories from the past weeks...

Piper videos for your viewing pleasure...


If you listen closely, you'll hear she answered me with a toot.
She's just like her mama.


Frozen yogurt date

Piper was sad she didn't get a taste.

"Really?!  You guys think this pink spoon is gonna do it for me?
 Gimmie a taste of your fro-yo now!"

Mommy and Daddy exploded with smiles.  And so did Pips.  She loved checking herself out.

Happy 4th of July!

Pretty, pretty dress and shoes from Aunt J - perfect for Piper's first 4th

This was right before she pooped all over Dee Dee.  It was awesome! :)

Waiting for fireworks

Beautiful ladies

lol -the expression!

Meeting Jessica <3

Again, I explode...

This babe loves chewin'.  

Tummy time with Deeds <3

Piper's first trip to the K.O.P. mall and Friday's

She loved the music and was eyein' up our food and drinks.

Mall video

Moonchie n' me <3

Piper's 1st rainbow

Video - she's almost walkin' ;)


And funny faces

We surprised Daddy at work <3

<3 exploding again...

Flippin' the bird...again

Just some food

Bathtime with Dee Dee <3

She rocks tummy time...

Piper loves hangin' out on the deck...

Dee Dee surprised her with this super cute inflatable circle of fun a few weeks ago.

I'm not sure who likes it more...Piper, or us. 
She is one adorable bathing beauty.

I found this suit for her months ago and couldn't wait to break it out.

I really can't take it! :)

Video - there was a fly in the house...crazy cats!

I love when she sleeps on me.

Video - Piper's 1st trip to Walmart and Target with me and Dee Dee

She loved it.  She took it all in and had her very first giggles in the toy section.

She couldn't stop staring at Elmo.  She was literally hitting him.

I LOL everytime I see this picture.

Dee Dee and her have so much fun together! 

How I found her once we arrived home.  I snort-laughed.

We love Saturday mornings with Daddy.


Video - Saturday mornin' chats with Daddy

Walk into town for an ice cream date <3


We were crackin' up...she couldn't take her eyes off our cones.

I'll be back at the end of the week with Piper's 3 month post.
  I've got lots of catching up to do - this babe's almost 4 months!

 Wishing everyone a dreamy week. <3

Dreamy Lovin',


Big Apple Mami said...

she's such a cutie! love all the pictures! especially the swimming ones! adorbs!! xoxo saying a prayer for your dad!

NV said...

The pictures of Pip in the bathing suit are so cute, I can't even handle it!!!! Being a mom = greatest job EVER!

Rian Eidson said...

Ah I love it!!!! Can she get any cuter?! Her bathing suits and hats!! I die!!!! So cute!!!!! Still praying for you and your daddy. Xoxoxo

Kara and Mary said...

The bathing suit is killing me with cuteness!! OMG!! We continue to send love to your family. You are such a good Momma and such an amazingly strong woman.

Infertile625 said...

She is such a fashionista! I loved her bathing cap look. She rocked the role! I got so excited when I saw you wrote K O P mall and I knew what/where that is. I used to live in Bryn Mawr and I have been to that mall a thousand times! Oh - and I love that you guys eat as much ice cream as we do. How do you stay do skinny? :)

I've been praying for peace for you and your family with your Dad. Must be so hard going through all this. I am so thankful that God sent you Piper to keep you smiling. XOXO

Anonymous said...

Okay so much, first: May the giggles and smiles of your daughter carry you through the tears and sadness felt for your father. Prayers.

That kid in her little swim suit and the flapper hat... oh my gosh... please get that to black and white and blow it up. Submit to mag... I think you could be published with that photo.

The seersucker dress, adorbs.

You and the joy in your life, I love it. Don't EVER loose your childish enthusiasm for living. EVER, it will carry you forever.

Hugs and love.

I'll Love You Forever said...

So beautifully written, Maria!! I think about you guys a lot. Piper is growing so fast, she is beautiful! I love looking at the picture of you holding the ultrasound pics up. It is amazing what we go through and endure in life. Praying for your family and your Dad! Love you! xoxo

Stephanie N. said...

The way you are able to see the positive in situations with hard times is truly inspiring. You are such a strong woman, Maria! Know that and know that you are awesome. I'll keep praying for your dad a.d family. Continue to find the goodness in everyday and in that little miracle of yours! <3

Anonymous said...

She's so pretty!

Wendy said...

Ahhh, I can't stand all of that cuteness! She is just too, too adorable! Love all of the sweet pics. Continuing to pray for your dad. Have a good week, lady!

Judy Haughton-James said...

Wonderful videos and pictures Maria! It is so good that you have Piper to light up your days. I know what you must be going through where your father is concerned. I continue to pray for him and also that you and your family will have strength during this difficult time. Hey, before you know it Piper will be walking!:) She has such a wide array of cute expressions. Lots of Love, Friendship and Best wishes always to you, Steve and Piper. Stay strong my friend.

Kat said...

Holy moly, Piper has gotten so much bigger! You're definitely living the dream, with such a beautiful little family. Thanks for sharing the last little bit of your lives with us. It looks like you're really enjoying your time with your family and friends, as it should be! :)

Kim said...

The bathing suit pictures? Seriously, I can't! She is just precious! You are so good about documenting everything with pictures and video!!

Thinking of your Dad and hope you have a wonderful week!

E and R said...

She is just too cute! Love, love the bathing suit! Paying for your dad.

About Bernadette & Duane said...

It's so good to "hear from you." Your daughter is just as beautiful as you-- inside and out. I am just so so happy for this wonderful ending/beginning to your story.

JP said...

TOO MUCH! I can't even stand the cuteness of the bathing suit, white hat, and sunglasses.

Still praying for your dad and so thankful that there is the bright spot of Piper in your life.

Jodi Stuber said...

as usual what great pictures :) so sorry to hear your dad is still not well and I so hope that changes soon. So glad you have such a sweet hubby and Pip to make u smile and comfort you as well as your fun mom :) hope its cooled off over there for you.. finally getting some relief on this side of the state

Alex[andra] said...

So sorry that your dad hasn't gotten any better. I'm so happy that you have Piper to keep you safe and keep you happy! (And Steve, and your mom, of course.)

I laughed when you said there was a giant poo, from Piper, not you. Ah, babies.

Beautiful pictures.

And that pasta salad looks so good! Did you make it? I want the recipe!

mail4rosey said...

Oh my gosh, your little one is so perfect, cute, happy, sweet!!!

I'm sorry your daddy's still weak and not at home. I'm sorry to that you have that sadness. I'm glad you still recognize and enjoy the blessings.

I was tearing up, like I always do when I visit your blog, and then I busted out laughing too (when you said it was your daughter pooing, not you, lolol).

You have a gift. I think the gift is your open/transparent/big wonderful heart. :)

Moosey Mommy said...

Oooooh, Piper is just getting cuter every time you post pictures! She is precious! Praying for your family and especially your dad. Hugs!

Heather @ Notes from the Nelsens said...

I sweet love! The walking, the giggling, the smiling at herself in the mirror, the cowgirl dancing, the drooling on daddy- what a post!! Would it be weird if I framed the black and white picture of Piper and hung it in our house?! Probably. But if it is not framed in your house yet, it needs to be!!

Maria, you are such a great writer. I feel like I am listening to you tell me what I'm reading. And I wish that was the case! I feel like we could talk and cry for hours! I'm so glad you're letting yourself go through all of the emotions that come with the joy of being with your sweet girl and the heartache of seeing your dad in his current state. I am praying for healing for your dad and peace and rest for you, your brother, your mom, and Steve. I hope you guys can have a restful end to your week and a relaxing weekend.


Kerry said...

You are killing me with those bathing suit pictures!!! I wish I could give her a big cuddle and kiss, and you too as a matter of fact. You have been on a massive roller coaster of emotions lately, I just wish you had peace in your heart and mind right now. Stay strong and believe that it will happen...
In the meantime, enjoy that little bundle of baby cuteness!! You guys are so lucky to have so many awesome people in your lives.
You are beautiful Maria and I love that picture of you from a year ago xoxoxo

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