Sunday, December 18, 2011

I Will Carry You

"I Will Carry You" - Selah


"The heart never lies
 And in the heart there is no compromise
 In the heart, the vision never dies
 Oh, the heart never lies"
(These lyrics are almost as old as me.  They were written by country artist, Michael Martin Murphey.)

I've been singing them to myself every day this week.  I don't have them downloaded.  Or burned onto a cd.  I haven't even heard them since I was a little girl.

But I remember them.

I remember our record player.  My Dad sitting in the family room in our rocking chair.  Rocking back and forth, singing off key with his eyes always closed. 

You see...

The heart never lies.
The heart never forgets.

Then, there are the words to this song - "I Will Carry You."

I carry them in my heart each day. 

I've been remembering more than ever this week.  Especially the past two years.  And the past two Christmases. Because memories are good for us.  It's healthy to take time to reflect.
Even the ones that feel like they're taking the very life out of you...
Feel them.  And don't fight them.
Because in the end, you'll be grateful you let yourself feel so deeply...
That you found the truth in it all.
And that in fact, you gained more life out of it all.

I'm remembering this day.  December 12, 2009.  It was our first Christmas as husband and wife.  We were at the tree farm.

And these guys were giving us a ride.

That was the day I knew in my heart, I was pregnant.  I remember telling Steve, "I'm pregnant, I just know it."  I hadn't tested yet but I felt it.

Two days later, I tested. 
 My heart didn't lie.
And this was the day that changed our lives forever.

We never got to meet that baby.  Or any of the others between then and now.  But, isn't it so true - that from the moment you see that second line on a pregnancy test...
No matter what the outcome - your life is forever different.

I miscarried that Christmas into the new year.

And a year later, in the first days of December 2010...I saw this.  For the fourth time in one year.

I miscarried that Christmas also.

"Such a short time
 Such a long road"

That's one of the hardest parts.  From that very instant you know life is inside of you...
You're changed.
I was in love.

I was in love all 5 times.
and I always will be. 

It's been a tricky month of emotions.  With reflecting on this journey and giving it the love it so deserves.  All while embracing what's to come in the first months of 2012. 

I cried some heavy tears this week.  Tears like I've never shed in this journey.  And I've shed some scary, big, ugly ones. These were different.  They were tears of every memory in this journey.  Of truth. 

Of letting go

They were tears of knowing the path we are taking is the one we are meant to take.

I've learned that letting go doesn't mean you have to say goodbye.  It doesn't mean you have to forget. Or pretend like it never happened.  

Letting go is knowing that all this pain and love we've gone through in the last chapter...

The pain will lessen.  The love will grow.
And the more we trust in that...

The more we see that - there is something so much greater waiting for us...
in this new chapter.

These memories...

I will carry you.

"I Will Carry You" Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I`m not
Truth is I`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says

I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Have a Blessed Sunday,


Anonymous said...

Absolutely beautifully said, Maria. Most people try to figure out as quickly as possible how to *not* feel the pain. I'm so glad you're actually feeling it. A Merry Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Maria said...

You are right. We will never forget.

Many thoughts and prayers are headed your way this Christmas as we head toward many wonderful things that our hearts will never forget.

Kelly @ Stay at Home Trader said...

Oh Maria! This post is so really does change you forever when a tragedy like this happens.... :( these songs are so perfect and I know this has been so hard for you both. I hope you are able to have a much deserved wonderful Christmas even though tough things are ahead. I love you to death!!! And I'm here for whatever big, ugly, snot blowing tears you need to shed. Xoxooxoxoxoxxo

Kari said...

Beautiful post, Maria! It's true...every time you see that word or that second line, you fall in love.

Ashley said...

This was beautiful, Maria. You are right about never forgetting. I am sorry you have to relive these memories but it is surely the hard times that make the good ones even sweeter. That is what I tell myself.
Hope you are having a great Sunday!

Judy Haughton-James said...

Hi Maria,
The message imparted in this post is so important. When we face challenges in life it is okay to cry. I find that when one feels to cry and try not to one feels worse. I am sorry for the pain you have endured in having to face so many miscarriages. You would make such a wonderful mother. I pray that somehow things will work out fine for you and Steve. I have seen all the beautiful pictures you have taken with your friends'children and I admire the wonderful spirit you have. Oh, how I love the first lines of the song that you started this post with! Very powerful and inspirational. I have been through some very painful moments in my life and even at this time of my life I am here wondering about something that has happened recently. One thing though I never give up. I will keep on fighting on and having faith. That is what keeps us going. Take care and I wish you and Steve a wonderful holiday season and good wishes for 2012! I look forward to your future posts and always beautiful pictures. Memories will certainly live on.
Tons of Love, Friendship & Best wishes.

aliciamarie911 said...

I love this song by Selah! The first time I ever heard it, I balled my eyes out. Seriously. Full on cried for almost an entire day. My husband thought I had lost my mind, but this song is so special to my heart! It reminds me that no matter how much I don't understand and how much I want my baby (that I never met) back, His plan is bigger than mine. He will ALWAYS be there for me when my heart is aching. When my arms are empty and my eyes have cried its billionth tear...He carries me.

I can't wait for the day I walk through the gates of heaven and see my precious little baby. I may never have met him/her, but I just feel that whenever I get there, I will know without a doubt that-THAT is my baby!

Stephanie of Gumdrop Pass said...

Absolutely beautiful. I can't IMAGINE the things you have felt on this journey -- nor can I begin to think how I could EVERY be as strong or insighful as you are through everything you have been through. You are such an inspiration, Maria.

I love how you write of moving on and not forgetting, about how things may have not worked out the way your wished, but not regrettinga any of it. That, I can relate to, and I think it's SO important to view it all this way.

I can't wait to see what 2012 brings your way. All my love, good thoughts and prayers your way! :) said...

Oh Maria,

This has to be such a hard time of year for you. I so wish that were not the case. My heart goes out to you. I know good things are going to happen for you in 2012.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers always, Kerstin

Aleisha McD said...

Hey Sweetheart! I loved this tender, meaningful post! Goodness, you've got a beautiful soul. I hope you know you are never far from my thoughts or my prayers. I pray for all the best for you and Steve in the upcoming year. You deserve lots and lots of happiness. I love you more than Yeti chapstick! (Which I have NOT found out our Target, DAMN IT!...which means our Target is CLEARLY not as cool as your Target!) HUGS and KISSES!

lovejoy_31 said...

Beautiful post!!! It truly does change us. Those who haven't experienced this type of loss can never truly understand. Praying that you and your DH have a very Merry Christmas this year and that you both find comfort in whatever you guys choose to undergo for this next step.

Love you!!!


Stephanie @ Blonde Highlights said...

I love this post and I am loving this song... it seems to fit this time in your life so well.

What an extremely difficult time of year this must be for you! I cannot even imagine going through all of what you and Steve have gone through. You are so strong and I love reading your posts because they bring so much inspiration to me!

I hope that you had such a wonderful weekend with your man and your kitties. XOXOXO

waitingforarainbow said...

I came here super excited that my kitty made steve pop.. and then I got sucked into your post.
I felt your emotions as I was reading, and I was crying right along with you. The song really made it a 10 on the emotional scale.
Maria, I know this pain. I've known it for 2 years now. I know the love we feel each time we get a positive test, and it's that very love that gives us the strength to keep going... to never give up on our dreams.
I agree with you that our babies change us. Each little one that I was blessed to carry around, no matter how long, changed Ryan and I a great deal. Your children are your children, and although your time with them was short, it was real.

I KNOW in my heart that your moment is coming. You WILL not be expecting it. It will knock you off of your feet. Every single day I come to this blog looking for a post about lil baby maria and steve on the way. I pray for it, I want it so bad, and I KNOW it's coming. That is why I look for it... I'm just waiting for it.

I have good feelings for you in 2012! I will always be here rooting for you. God bless you, and I hope that you have wonderful holidays with a year full of blessings ahead.

Jessica @ TheCrazyChaoticHouse said...

This is probably the hardest time of year for you but I hope you can make a new special and happy memory that can override that very sad one. I too know what it's like to experience that kind of loss but I have also been lucky to have a couple healthy babies and pray one day you will experience that joy and happiness of being a mother. You deserve it!!! Hope you have a wonderful week.

Anonymous said...

Oh gosh Ms M... I cried. I fell apart yesterday thinking of my mother. I lost her at 8 years young and still at my age, I long to know what it would've been like to do little things: Go to her home for tea & a hug, to go shopping, share laughs and get hugs. To snap pictures of her showing me how to be a better mother.. and hugs. So many things I missed out on, so many memories never made. I have so few of them I treasure them dearly. This is a hard time of year for me as well. Though I know, no, let me restate this, I KNOW she is with the Almighty, I still have a tribe of emotions, anger, sadness, frustrations, hurt, pain, sorrow, hope, belief... it can creeep up anytime on me.

You made a very important comment about greiving... you must, MUST allow yourself to greive no matter how many times the process comes to light. You must let the tears fall, the joy to creep back in & the promise of God knowing you will be reunited one day with 5 of your children. Oh how busy you will be my friend, so very blissfully busy in His house.

MERRY CHRISTmas to you, to MR EDIACS & be safe as you create the memories that await you for this 2011!
Hugs and love dear one.

Mrs. E said...

I know you know how I feel...but I just want to say how beautiful this post is. I am thinking of you!! xoxoxo~~

Breena said...

Lovely blog you have here! I'm your new GFC follower :) I'd love for you to link up at my "Life is About... blog hop" going on right now!


LOVE MELISSA:) said...

Maria- this is absolutely beautiful! I have to tell you that Hayley and I put you in our prayers every night. I show her your picture and what we are praying for. I know this time of the year is hard but now, we are all here for you. Also know, it will happen! I am sure of it!! XOXO. I am tearing now.

virginia said...

Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Not many can do this in such a way that makes the reader truly feel every emotion.

This Christmas, continue to enjoy and embrace those around you. It appears you're surrounded by so many amazing people.

Kathy said...

Maria this is such a gorgeous post!! I related to so many of the feelings the pure joy of the positive test and the heart sinking pain of miscarriage. I marvel at your ability to be so open to your pain and to let yourself feel the way you need to. You are going to make an amazing mother my dear friend!! Wishing you and your husband a wonderful Christmas and a new year filled with everything you want!! Much love to you!!!

Grumpy Grateful Mom said...

Maria, I think you have such a gift for inspiring others even through your pain. Your post was beautifully and perfectly said. Your memories are so hard but important--you are TRULY amazing and I'm so very excited for your next chapter.

Always praying for you my new friend! Have a wonderful love-filled Christmas!

M said...

Thank you for posting this! I just stumbled upon your blog today and have begun to read it marathon-style. My husband and I got pregnant for the first time last June, but then miscarried at 11 weeks. We got pregnant again in November, and again miscarried (at 5 weeks). Yesterday would've been the due date for the first pregnancy. DH was talking to his aunt online and she said that we needed to "let go and move on." To me this sounded like "forget about it." But after reading this entry, I realize she meant what you so eloquently typed..that just because we move on doesn't mean we have to forget...because we never will.

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