Thursday, June 30, 2011

Would You Go With Me

"Would You Go With Me"  Josh Turner

ohhh lifetime movie network...what can I say, you have a way of sucking me in with no turning back.  i see the first five minutes of a movie and it's all downhill from there. i don't quite know what it is...the horrible acting...the c list actors...the hilarious plots.  it's gotta be a combination of em' all.  i 100% admit it, i'm in love with you LMN...100% madly in love with you.

I recently watched, "The Hand That Rocks The Cradle".  I know you're all envious.  It's been forever since I saw this movie.  In fact, I think the only time I did was at a sleepover when I thought it was cool because I'd never be allowed to watch it at home.  And as I watched last night, I was making wide eyed faces at the tv and screaming at Rebecca De Mornay.  She is one psychotic, baby wantin'-baby stealin' bee-otch!  If you've ever exposed yourself to the wonderful world of LMN, I'm sure you've seen a movie or two about a crazed woman who's so desperate to be a mother, she'll do anything...hunt a mother down, deliver her baby and then run for the hills with it, fake her own pregnancy.  I even saw one where Tori Spelling has trouble conceiving and eventually uses IVF...well, she doesn't actually, her husband's freako ex -girlfriend stalks and befriends Tori, steals all her info...goes in the day of the procedure disguised as her and becomes pregnant with Tori's baby.  Because that could happen, right?!

What's scary is a lot of these movies are actually based on true stories! There are some whackydoodle wannabe mamas out there! I mean, I'm a wannabe mama...200% 1000%.  I'm a whackydoodle 201% 1001%, but it's a nice boost of self confidence that I'm not that crazy.  Don't worry ladies, I won't take on your identity, snatch your lil' babe in the middle of the night and be sportin' a big ole' pillow under the shirt - fake bump...

So, all the hopeful someday mamas to be...give yourself a big pat on the back for being strong, determined and faithful "mamabes" without resulting to a LMN baby snatcher status! :)

This week made up for last week's bunch of bologna, for sure.  I spent days with friends n little munchkins and relaxing nights with the mister.  Come to think of it, I saw all my "K" friends this week.  Kelly1, Kelly2, Kerry and Kim.
How can you not find a reason to smile when there are babies in your day!?  Monday I spent the day with my friend Kerry and her daughter, Veronica.  She just turned 5 months and looks so much like her pretty Mama. Her skin is so pretty and perfect and I know she's going to grow gorgeous locks like Kerry's someday.

Kerry and Veronica

Monday night we fought our urge for Taco Bell and cooked a much healthier version. I am happy to announce "the bell" has not been in my belly since last Wednesday and we have made dinner every night this week. Pretty sad, that's an accomplishment! :) We watched "With Honors" because Steve said I'd like it and couldn't believe I'd never watched it... We both cried at poor lil' Joe Pesci. Waaa it was sad...happy sad. I love Joe Pesci.

ok, so we totally should have got chicken instead of beef, but hey, it was lean and I didn't eat meat Tuesday or Wednesday...beans and peanut butter for protein. I love beans. They're good for your heart. The more you eat, the more...well you know!

okay, taco bell totally had to sneak its way into that meal somehow

I've also been eating breakfast every day this week.  Amazing huh?!

Fiber rich fart cereal with blueberries :)

Tuesday I babysat Chloe. I got to Kelly's house with a major headache (because I've been cutting my caffeine...or at least trying to). She made me a cup of coffee and made me realize cold turkey wasn't the way for me. And even though the coffee helped, Chloe helped way more!
I mean, Chloe is the cure for a bad day, an aching heart, feeling sick, anything at all...This babe makes it all go away.

Chloe...the sweetest little "cure" you ever did see.
She spotted my cell phone from across the way and started inching her way towards it. I sense she's going to be like her sister...always wanting Mimi's phone! :)

I taught her all the tricks and she came to clean with me that night ;) Gotta teach em' young. She's the sweetest lil' sweeper!

Addison always stared at my eyes when she was a baby, mostly because she was thinkin', "what the heck is all that black crap smeared on your eyelids? Mommy doesn't have that"... Chloe is following in her footsteps and it was so cute how in awe she was. She was trying to rip out my eyelashes! LOL

We partied it up pretty hard!

Chloe's rockin' the house ya'll!!

Wednesday I couldn't have asked for a better turnaround from a week ago. No broken cars, no sweaty boobies, no tears *well a little w/Kelly :)
It really is true...what a difference a day, a week, a month, a year can make.
Kim showed up at my door and surprised me with a frozen coffee. I mean, forget about cutting caffeine in that moment. I had to drink it and it was worth it! I went shopping with her at Babies + Toys R'us to help find her niece a birthday present. I love toy stores. I was amazed at all the new stuff out for kids. The elaborate train set, the macheesmo power wheels, the fashionista barbies that are dressed way better than I am, the newborn baby dolls that look EXACTLY like real ones ( I totally should have stuffed a few of them in my purse), the awesomeo play make-up that I wouldn't mind paintin' my face up with...

playing dress up at Toys R Us...I tried to squeeze into a 3t Cinderella costume but it wasn't happenin'

Later I met up with Kelly, spur of the moment, and a cup of coffee turned into diet coke (eeks, bad Maria. I promise that was the last of my caffeine for the day) and an hour turned into three. We sat at a diner (which is not up to par with Kelly...this info was just disclosed to me by Kelly herself lol) and talked and LAUGHED and cried and got chills because that's what we do. We get so passionate about whatever we're talking about that we start banging our fists on the table and making noises similar to animals in the wild. The cute 80 yr old early bird diners slowly eating their turkey n gravy dinners, turn around and stare and we're pretty sure the old single bittie behind us had a cup to her ear and booth to listen to our tales.

Kelly and I

Steve and statue Muffin

I'm so happy it's Thursday and the long weekend is approaching. With a positive ovulation test last Monday night...ovulation being last Tuesday or Wednesday, I'm guessing I'm about 8 days past ovulation and that my period should better not show...but if it does, shouldn't be due till Wednesday or Thursday. The long weekend is going to save me from least I hope. No tests in the house. I'm sure I will pick some up this weekend when I'm at Target but I've learned over the past months, waiting a bit saves me from extra poo filled days. I'm hoping to make it till Wednesday and if aunt flow wants to show her ugly face, maybe I will get lucky and not even have tested yet. I'd love to spring for not testing at all until I'm late...but I can't make that promise.

I'm starting to get a lot of strong feelings about things. Not symptoms necessarily...but emotions about all the what if's I'm prepared for. A lot is slowly starting to make sense and it's putting things into perspective for me. I will definitely post more later...

Now, I'm going to enjoy the rest of this and see what I can get into. Wishing everyone a Happy Thursday!! And to all the ladies also in the 2 week wait stage, I feel for ya (step away from the pee sticks) ;)

I will leave you with some pictures of my morning with these 3 hot babes!

Addison Kelly and Chloe, fascinated  with Addison's hair do' 

Happy ladies!

Addison and I playing games on my cell

Chloe kisses

Addison, pretty as ever in a dress I wish I fit in :)

Chloe Kelly and I...picture by Addison :)  spooky ghost faces

to all the babysnatcha's...think twice before you take that baby!
and to all the other crazy cuckoo's nesties in the world,
think about the words that fly outta your mouth before you say them...

Take it from Miss Chloe...

"Don't get caught with your foot in your mouth"


Monday, June 27, 2011

I Like It, I Love It

"I Like It I Love It"  Tim McGraw

Hooray for a new week...a fresh start to a better one than last.
This weekend, Steve and I didn't do anything spectacular but it sure felt it, because there was relaxation and no unwanted surprises.  I feel somewhat refreshed both mentally and physically.

Friday morning I woke up super early.  With Steve having off, I was sure he'd sleep in but his body is on such a schedule lately.  So, we decided to take advantage of the time and knock out all the stuff we had to take care of before we decided what else we'd do with our day.  We did some light grocery shopping, laundry, paid bills, my car battery was purchased and installed.  And with it still being so early, Steve told me to go up and shower and he'd make us some breakfast. Pancakes were on the menu.  So, I go upstairs and opt for a bubble bath at 11 in the morning and end up realizing how much I needed one
*not body odor wise, promise...ok, maybe a little ;)  It just was nice to lay there and know we had the whole day to do whatever we wanted. 

I come downstairs, towel twisted over my head, the most un-sexy night gown in the world, one that resembles a moo moo *don't know what a moo moo is? it's a grandma dress gown usually containing some kinda floral motif ;).  And there awaits my stack of pancakes.  I sit down with Steve and I'm all, "mmm omygosh babe, these are so're such a good cook"...because he really is.  I wasn't buttering him up or anything.  He tells me he's so glad I like them and then gets a big smirk.  I said, "what?! What's so funny" he's laughing.  I thought he was mocking my beautiful getup.  He says, "They're from McDonalds :)"...Huh? I'm so confused because I saw him start the pancakes.  Well turns out he "messed them up" and he told me they looked like burnt doughy mush. Hey, coulda fooled me. I didn't even hear him leave.  I was too busy with my bubbles.  Ok, that doesn't sound right!  I thought it was cute he actually went out instead of just putting a bowl of raisin bran out for me with an IOU note.

After the delicious fakecakes, we watched a movie.  That movie turned into a 2nd movie and we were sensing we were onto something.  Why don't we just veg out all day long and do NOTHING. Yes, something that I've been saying for a long time I'd love to do. You know those days when it's total crap outside and you wish you could just spend the day in bed. Or weeks like last week, when all I want to do is think about nothing. So, that's just what we did. We had a little hideout in the house all day, were lazy good for nothin' bums...and it was glorious!

Speaking of hideouts...Twinkie and Muffin had a cute lil' game of hide n go seek going on...

Twinkie - "MUAHH ha ha ha...she'll never find me...  Muffin - playing stupid

"Found ya, you can't fool me, you chubby rug monster"

Love this picture.  It doesn't look real to me.  There I am, leaning down to take a picture of Twinkie still under there...and he comes charging out at me (the crazy cat paparazzi)

I can't even believe it, but I went to bed at 9:30 Friday night!! That's twice in the past few months that I've gone to bed before midnight. The only thing about that was, I woke up at 4am on Saturday all ready to start the day.  With it being an odd hour and nothing else left to do besides watch LMN, I decided to spruce up my blog. It's the little things, I tell ya.  I was having too much fun trying out different designs.  I could get used to this "normal" time schedule. Okay, I'm lying. I love my schedule. I love the night. I'm a night worshipper. But, I'm working on getting to bed at a normal hour most of the small baby steps.

Saturday I went with my friend Kim to a jewelry party. I LOVE jewelry but even still, my favorite part of the party were the games. You play for fake money to cash in for prizes. Being that I've already been to one of these parties, I knew the game. And it is perfect for someone like me...someone with an atrociously, stuffed to the gills - purse. My friends have teased me for over a decade about the contents of my purses. It's quite frightening. I really could live out of them. Back to the game...the host calls out a letter and then you rummage your purse for what you can find beginning with that letter. At the last party I got points for letter "F", with an old worn out handi wipe with a flag on it (don't ask). And this party, I did well with letter "J"...J is for junk food. I dug to the bottom of my purse and found a tiny, shriveled up french fry maybe from 2009 (how did that get in there? a snack for later? that little sucker won me 2 "diva dollars" thank you very much)...I was hoping they'd call "N". Hanging out next to the french fry was a mini nail file speared through a melted mento or something. Don't judge.

Me and Kim

Sunday was my favorite. And it definitely scored points with an unexpected cancellation for a window cleaning job I picked upfelt guilty telling my busy boss, no to, for today. He called me early yesterday evening to apologize that they cancelled on him last minute. No apologies needed. I wanted to pull over and skip a skip of glee through the meadow. As I mentioned back in May when I did a window job, "I don't do windows"...

But I do have a hard time saying no when he's in a bind (which is frequently). I look at it like this...I'm lucky to be able to pick up whenever I want or he needs me and make the extra money. Is it bad that I look at the extra cash as more "fertility $" or "when the baby gets here cash"...I don't think it is. And I know whenever that miraculous day comes that I do have a good n bakin' babe in my belly, that cleaning is going to be far less work now, play later. That's another thing I'm working on...Cutting back on some things...along with cleaning the french fry-handi wipe-melted candy nail file filled purse. And while we're on things I'm learning to cut back on or say no to...

How about this, for example??!
Sing it, Mr McGraw..."I like it, I love it, I want some more of it I try so hard, I can't rise above it...Don't know what it is about that little gals burger's lovin' but I like it, I love it, I want some more of it!
This was Sunday dinner. Steve and I went out for burgers and sweet potato fries! oink central! I'm totally giving myself a really bad diet reputation this week. This, coming from a girl who used to live on salads and think red meat was gross. But seriously, I love healthy foods...I do. I love vegetables almost just as much as ice cream. Just now, I seem to like them smothered in cheese or ranch dressing rather than steamed ;)
But this week, I'm gonna kick myself into some healthier choices  than the ones I've been making lately.
Enough about food, I'm getting hungry!

After our nutritious dinner we headed out for a walk (in case you're counting, we burned off 4 and a half french fries and a pickle from the burger)...and on our way to park the car, discovered this.

It was one of the prettiest sunsets I've seen in a long time. These pictures don't do it justice. The sky was painted fiery orange with purple stripes and a million different hues of pink.

Me and the big head coverin' up the sun

We then visited with my mom's mother...who, my Mom takes care of. She's being an awesome daughter and moving in with her. Mad props to my Mama! My grandmother is a spry, more recently - feisty old lady. She's confined to her bed and where her body has given out, her mind's all there! *Mom, if you're reading, I know you're saying something smart about that last sentence ;) I 100% inherited the crazy cat lady gene from my Nani. She has had cats all her life until recently when the last one passed away. She adores them. I always break out my cell phone and show her trillions of pictures of our kitties and she goes crazy with "awww would ya look at that? and omygoodness gracious, isn't she a beauty"'s so cute! She likes cats so much, she even hisses at my Mom, when she's in a mood. *ha, I'm not kidding!

Nani and I (blurry camera phone pic)

We went home and watched the 1st episode of the new season of "True Blood"...Everyone told me last year I'd love it and I completely doubted them.  I love me some crazy, weird, cheesy shows and movies...but a show about vampires? way...What could be so great about a small town of blood sucking vamps and humans and (ahem, 2 really nice looking vampires)??  Everything!!!
It is addicting...just a little guilty pleasure to take your mind off things and feel thankful that you don't have to sleep in a coffin and drink blood for a livin'...

Did I hear coffins?...Actually, this morning, I saw coffins! I pinky promise I didn't super impose myself in this picture.  You see, I have the honor of cleaning an office that sells these bad boys...
Yep! How's that for a mind trip! I know you're all jealous.  Any one of you is welcome to come and help! It is super glamorous!
I had my share of these for the day!

I checked em' all for "Vampire Bill" and "Eric" (the 2 handsome vamps mentioned above)...but no such luck...(kidding hunny) <3

Thank you, happy lil' weekend! I'm likin' it...I'm lovin' it...I'm wantin' some more of it!

I'm only about 5 days past ovulation so the crazies haven't kicked in yet. Give me a few more days and they'll start creepin' in. :)

I hope everyone enjoyed their weekend and has a great start to the week ahead! So many of you are waiting on answers and hoping for miracles. I am praying for all of those questions to be answered the way you hope and for a little magic to appear this week!

Wishing everyone a gorgeous sunset at the end of each day!


Friday, June 24, 2011

Anyway (and a Beautiful Borrowed Story)

"Anyway"  Martina McBride

"You can spend your whole life buildin'
Somethin' from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway"

 As I sit here in an over sized, hideously orange neon t-shirt, legs propped up, my hair resembling Marge Simpson's, with Miss Muffin curled up, asleep right above me...
I'm comfortably sunken in the perfect spot on the couch, breathing a great sigh of relief that today was a good day and the weekend is upon us. Steve and I had a lil' date night in. We ate dinner and watched a movie together. I entertained the idea of playing some xbox kinect and within minutes we shook the house with some video game teamwork of virtual white water rafting along with some dodge ball. Steve has off today and once we're done taking care of some errands, we are being spontaneous with where the day takes us.

It was a nice n' easy night. We stayed up a little late together. Steve took some down time and so did I.  Me, blasting Beyonce through my headphones (yes, I don't always listen to country music)...Steve asking me what song I'd been listening to 100 times in a row because he could still hear it...Him, playing a round of video game golf across the room...
Even though we were doing our own thing,
I felt so connected. I feel like a great team. We made it through this week together. We leaned on each other.

There's some peace in the air.
And with the way things go in life sometimes, I know it could be taken away from me within minutes.
I'm savoring the moment.
and some coffee with cinnabon creamer (my only source of caffeine in 24hrs-I'm a little proud of myself)

Because it really is these times we need to appreciate. When I'm in the midst of a mini breakdown or fighting the voices crowding my head, I have the choice to be negative or positive. This past week had me feeling pretty low but now that I've come up for air, I realize, I needed it to feel that way. I just have to remember that when things get really trying, everything else that is good in my life IS still good in my life.
I have to remind myself that just because in that moment, I feel like everything is crumbling around isn't and eventually it is going to get better...I have to be patient. I have to let go of some stubbornness and also keep some of it for this fight.

"God is great, but sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway"

Through this journey I have never felt mad at God.  However, I used to ask why all the time...searching for answers...feeling like if I had that magical solution, it would make me feel better and everything okay.  I can distinctly remember driving one day over a year ago after my second miscarriage.  I remember what road I was on, what time of day it was, what song was playing. I was literally talking to myself as tears were streaming...wondering how I'd get i'd ever get the strength to try again...begging to have the courage to get through.  I felt weak.  I felt terrified.  I felt like I was losing hope. 

And now 14 months after, 3 more losses on top of those, it is in indescribable feeling...
to say somehow, I'm so much less scared.
How I'd give anything to see those 2 lines...regardless of all the circumstances that I know can come along with far as we are concerned.

The truth is, after wrestling with all the what if's, I've found that all I need to do is believe...
Believe and have faith, that there is a reason for it all...that there is a plan...
Know that, I don't need to know why or how or when...
Because in whatever will be.
And no matter how insanely tough things have, can and will be at times...
I pray, I believe, I know somewhere locked deep down inside that one day I will be a mother and Steve will be a father.

Lately, these days are really flyin' by.  I find I have no concept of what day it is...even what month it is at times. I don't know whether that's a good thing or not...but I know, (as many friends remind me) it does mean one thing...
We are one day and one month closer to our baby and our family.

"You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway"

Even though this week tested my patience in a lot of ways, it did something wonderful for me.  It helped me sweat out some of the hurt and pain.  I didn't know it while it was happening, but right this very moment, I feel it.  I still hurt, I ache, I'm grieving...
But I feel closer to the light at the end of that tunnel.
I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there.
I've read and found so many stories of courage.  Stories of inspiration.  Undoubtedly some of the saddest yet most beautiful journeys. They have fed my heart and soul with such hope.

And I'd like to share one that touched me in such a way...and taught me so many beautiful lessons.  One that I turn to often, especially when I'm clinging to hope. I first found an excerpt of it on youtube.  It had been featured on Oprah years ago. I just recently found the full video.

I will always remember, when interviewed, what the mother said when Oprah asked her, "how did you keep did you stay so strong and positive with everything you were going through?" and the mother replied something very close to, "I knew that each day I had with him, was another day to be thankful for and cherish...
and I told myself, I can be sad later"...

so very touching and true.

this is "99 Balloons" the story of amazing first time parents and their baby boy, Elliot...such a gorgeous little fighter
definitely worth the 6 minutes it takes to watch <3
*tissues necessary

where I know it is heart breaking...and I sob every single time I watch it...there is so much beauty...strength and courage.  and when they were interviewed after, on the episode years ago, she was blessed again and about to give birth to a healthy baby after all the pain.
I love what the husband says towards the end.

"God found great pleasure to take a lowly thing in the eyes of the world and show truth"...

Thank you everyone, for your thoughtful, funny, and sweet words over the course of this week.
and thank you for everyone who has shared their stories of hope.

Wishing everyone a happy, beautiful weekend.  Take time to take in the moments that matter!

"This world's gone crazy and it's hard to believe
   That tomorrow will be better than today
   Believe it anyway"


Thursday, June 23, 2011

Honey I'm Home

"Honey I'm Home"  Shania Twain

Shania seems to like to help me tell my crazy day stories.  Let's not forget the post, "Any Man of Mine"

Ohhh, Yesterday was a country song and then some...

But where my attitude was Bummersville in the beginning of the week, it's beginning to get back to normal. Normal, for me, is an array of moods throughout the day that change without notice. It might sound crazy...
and that's because
I AM! :)

I woke up on Wednesday well rested and feeling more energized and ready for my day. I was in pretty good spirits. Everything was going fine until I left the house. I'm really beginning to think I'm on some sick, long, drawn out version of candid camera. I stopped to get gas and as soon as I parked, a thunderstorm swept through. It was stinkin' steamy, humid, hotness today and the storm actually made it worse. My clothes were sticking to me, my hair - a ball of mess on top of my head, and I hadn't even started cleaning yet. Nothing like sweaty boobs and stuck to you jeans, to brighten your day. After I finished my first office, I got in my car, turned the key, and...NOTHING...wouldn't start. I didn't leave any lights on and literally had it inspected less than two weeks ago. Steve came to my rescue and jumped me it...(Sorry, that's another story) I kept my cool and almost had to laugh at my luck these past few days. So, we say goodbye and I headed to my next office. I finish that one about an hour and a half after the last, get in my car, and...NOTHING...WOULDN'T START!!


Okay, at that point I'm starting to get cranky!! With no one left in the offices, my only hope is Steve, again. I felt so bad. He's had such long days this week. He gets right back in his car and drives to me, AGAIN! I call my Mom while I wait and tell her I'm running away...say my goodbyes and tell her I love her. Steve arrives and after a few minutes, realizes that I just need a new battery...that if he jumps the car, it will start and drive, but as soon as key is taken out, it won't start anymore. At this point, it's obviously too late to call a mechanic and Steve wants to take care of it anyway when he's off on Friday. I had one last office to clean. I breezed through that place so fast...I couldn't wait to get home.

While I'm finishing up, I get a text message from Kelly, "Is your day any better, I hope so"...and I snicker to myself, "ummm noooo"...About 5 minutes later she texts me that she forgot to tell me she had a weird dream last night, that she came with me to clean and my car wouldn't start. I'm thinking, "Whaaaaaat???" for a split second, I was freaked out. Kelly is a super psychic. I knew she couldn't have bumped into Steve because I had just talked to him. I told her she better be lying to me. Then I realized she probably saw my Mom somewhere. Yep! She ran into her at the grocery store....sneaky sneaky! ;)

If only it was possible that whatever Kelly dreamt, would come true. I'd tell her tonight, to make sure she dreams I wake up on a tropical island with a hat that dispenses never ending rum punch and that I fall into the most relaxing sleep in my personal cabana, while being fed grapes by the bushel. Hold on, how can I be eating grapes if I'm sleeping?! Ok, scratch that!! How bout, when I wake up there are a million, beautiful babies all running in the sand...and they are ALL MINE!! and while I'm at it, might as well throw in a few dozen kittens to my brood, that were just injected with a youth serum that makes them stay 5 weeks old FOREVER.

Kelly, get on it, girlfriend! I'm countin' on ya! :)

thank you, Kelly-Wow, that was fast!
uhh, so I google image seach, "cute kittens on the beach"...and no lie, this picture - my fantasy awaits me...hey, Kelly, how nice of you to join in on the saxaphone! I'm cracking up! :)

I promise you all, I'm not drunk. Just trying to make light of this hilarious day. But it didn't end quite there. O no, how could it. So with me driving the SUV, I had some leftover boxes from the offices to drop off to my Mom, who is moving (insert her country song another day). I drop em' off and head home. My stomach is grumblin' so loudly and I can't think about anything but...

I've got a weakness guys. I'm kinda ashamed to admit it, but Taco Bell makes me smile. It makes everything a bit better. So when I got home, Steve and I decided we needed "the bell" to complete our crappy day. He went out to pick it up...comes home, and says he has some bad news...I'm thinking, "NO, please don't tell me they ran outta fire sauce"...No, they didn't. Phewwww. Instead, Steve pulled into our driveway (our very tiny driveway) too fast and side swiped/hit the tree (Not some big OAK, a little Charlie Brown wimp, townhouse tree) in between our house and our neighbors. The Score - Tree-1/Steve's SUV-0. (and No, Steve wasn't drinking either...probably a mesh of delirious-ness, exhaustion and the fact that he couldn't wait to rip into that taco bell...and of course, our crappotastic luck)...So he has a dent in his front left bumper that he thinks he could hammer out, so we don't have to pay an arm and a leg. Luckily, all lights are fine, no paint off...just a nice dent.

what's this you's a box of heaven...3 lovely taco bell funky meat delights all for the low low price of $5...and you get a soda too...come on now, try it!!

But you know what, it's funny...not that I'm hip hip hooray'ing for our troubles with starting a family, but with all we have been through, silly things like a stalled out car, a dent, o so sweaty boobies...they are nothin'...nothin' I tell you. In the grand scheme of it all, it makes us really not sweat that small stuff. And I really am so grateful for that in a way. I mean, sure, I get pissy and angry and physchotic at times but really, all that little stuff doesn't matter at the end of the day.

Speaking of the end of the day...
So, Wednesday was lucky day 14...right smack dab in the middle of my cycle. And where my sources tell me that I probably ovulated early Wednesday and I know we covered our bases well, I still had a little angel devilvoice telling me to do the deed one more time. How was I ever going to get in the mood, let alone get Steve in the mood after such a long day and night and 2 guts full of funky meat surprise?! I didn't pull out my whistle and army boots and tell Steve to start marchin' upstairs to do the baby jig. Instead, I told him, how bout I give you a massage...(heh, heh, heh *evil laugh...hey, guys pull this trick all the time to try and get some) worked! YAY!! so we are officially out of the not so flattering and stressful week of fertile-ness! :)
I'd say we each deserve a smiley star sticker and a cupcake!

I'm so thankful for being able to laugh at it all (a decent amount of the time)...and myself too. And as I mentioned in many posts, my Mom has really taught me this way of life since I was young. I'm so happy to have her sense of humor. Because if you can't laugh at it all, then what can you do?! There are going to be the days (and posts) I'm serious, I'm sad, down and tearful...days when I laugh so hard, sometimes even at things that are so far from funny, days I feel like pinch me-this is too good to be true...and everything in between. And at the end of the day...these are all the days that make up this crazy and fun life of mine.

I will leave you with a little story from the end of my night while I had "pillow hour" *if you're new, see last post :)

Jessica texted me and asked how I was "hangin' in there" and we quickly began our routine of aggresively texting/emailing. We like to share useless knowledge with each other and where I've majorly been slacking these past few months, there was a full year plus, where I would send Jessica a fact of the day, every single day. I had one for her tonight. Now here is an example, as I mentioned above, of something that is not funny at all...but in some ways, you just have to laugh. Who knows "The Quacker Factory Lady" from QVC? I didn't till earlier this year when Jess introduced me to her. She passed away earlier this month and Jess had no idea. When I told her, her response was, "SHUT UP!!!!!!!"...
In all seriousness, God Bless and Rest in Peace Miss Jeanne Bice. She seemed like a one of a kind, funky lady and she sure knew how to rock a bandana!

I fully admit to having mini-me versions of these when I was in grade school (just not quackfac) AND, I thought I was the hippest chic in town!
We LOVE her videos!
My faves are @ 22/23 secs when the host says, "pa-piee-yaaa" and @ 1min when the buttons are introduced.
if anyone is reading this and owns quacker factory clothes, please don't hate me.
Happy Thursday Everyone! Hope the end of your week is a WONDERFUL ONE!! <3<3<3

thank you for sharing in my funny, baby tryin' times and for laughing with me. 
thank you for letting me be matter what kinda day i'm having or post I write, it's nice to know so many people can relate :)

*wishin' hopin' and prayin' for so very many of you

and hoping for a nice weekend with the man I love

"Honey, I'm Home"...


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

It Won't Be Like This For Long

"It Won't Be Like This For Long"  Darius Rucker

*there's a lightning bug swarming free around the house and the kitties are going absolutely insane...heads swaying back and forth...meowing scary meows, hopping all over the place, thinking they can reach the ceiling...pure entertainment, I tell ya.

"This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
It won't be like this for long"

My friend, Marie, texted me yesterday and asked how I was doing. I told her I was a bit better than Monday and that I was hoping things just needed to get really crappy before they could get better. She texted back, "Things do get worse before they get better sometimes, but it won't be like this for long." She told me I needed that poster of a kitten hanging off a branch that says, "Hang in There"...and that she wouldn't be surprised if I already had that poster at some point in my life (knowing what a crazy cat lady I am). I laughed out loud and it brought a smile to my face, like she said she hoped it would.

Thank you, Marie <3
I'm hangin' in there.  :)

Monday and Tuesday I used my last two ovulation tests...hey, they were begging for me to use em' up. And later, on Monday afternoon, I got an almost positive...which means the next 48 hrs are *the time*.  In that moment, all my thoughts of "take it easy" go out the window...all I'm thinking is, "come home Steve...we need to do the deed." Then, I tell myself to stop...realize we have time...and think to myself, "ohhh, calm down, we will have dinner, watch a movie and wait till will be doctor's stress"...

Not exactly. :)

Maybe I should have gone with Salt n' Pepa's, "Let's Talk About Sex"...I'd like to hear the country version of that one! Any woman who's ever wanted to make a baby knows that sometimes it isn't as easy as, "oh, if it happens, it happens." Don't get me wrong, I know a lot of women who truly feel that way, and I think it's great. But women who've tried and tried, gone through loss(es), and infertility...know that sometimes knowing when you "need to" have sex, takes all the fun out of it. For the husband and the wife...both in similar and different ways. It's like Jessica said, the other night..."It's like when we were in school and told what books we had to read for summer reading...kinda makes you not want to read them anymore...even when you might have thought they seemed like good books." *okay, maybe not her exact words, but you get the point* - Hi Jessica :)

She's right! And every month, when the doctor says, "do your homework" puts added pressure on us. Even though we don't have our doctor telling us when to, this cycle...WE KNOW WHEN TO!
I know that day 10-17, we should be taking care of business at least every other day...and especially, concentrating on days 12-15...
and Monday being day 12, went a little something like this...

Take ovulation test, text a few friends a picture of it and ask their opinion, text Steve, "tonight starts our you know what" (bc he keeps his cell on his desk at work where everyone can see, he's asked me to refrain from texting him things like, "tonight, we boom boom"), he gets home, we order a pizza, watch the Wedding Singer to get us in the mood...(Kidding) but we did watch it...Steve studies while I talk on the phone to Jessica ( Did I mention on all of our important fertile days, Steve is in the city for work...leaving early and getting home later - perfect timing, grrr) my phone dies on Jess and I go down to see what Steve is up to...He tells me he's been in the bathroom for 45 mins and doesn't know what's up with his stomach, HMMMM, as much as I feel bad he feels sick, I'm thinkin'..."grreaattttt, now that's hot and tonight is surely gonna work out the way we planned"...He says he needs to go to bed and to wake him up...hmmm, considering how he feels and what he's been doing for the past almost hr, not really feelin' it.

So I called Jess back, wimpered to her and decided to wait till morning.
These are the fun times of a couple like us, trying to have a baby again and again and again and again and again. I guess what really grinds my gears is that the 3 non fertile weeks out of a month are great, as far as the lovin' goes...and the week where you I want it to be "nice" or whatever you wanna call it, even if just for a month or like Monday night a lot of times.

There are too many times where all we could do was laugh at how hilarious our circumstances were when it was our "fertile stage"...How many of you have pets? And they seem to always want to jump on the bed with you when you're about to...or just stare at you and give you the major creeps!...Let me tell you, it's a huge turn on when your cat, Krimpet, is just laying there staring, purring away, without you knowing...until you turn around...and then your husband says, "Hey, Krimpet kinda looks like Hayley from American Idol, doesn't she?"  Whoaaa, wow, that's really gettin' me going there hunny! hahahaha but we laughed so loud in that moment...and sometimes, that's what you gotta do.

Let's see if Steve was right...


Omygoodness, Steve's totally right...they could be sisters! (uh, but I really do see it in the eyes) LOL

And I know so many other women probably almost definitely go through all this too, which helps me to be able to just write about it freely. Steve knows I'm going to write about anything and everything throughout this blog, and I'm glad that I can just be me. He's known since the day I met him, I talk about anything with anybody. If I meet you *and I like and trust you ;)... within days I'll show you my true colors.

So last night, I get into bed...I text Steve, "please wake me up at 5:45 if you're feeling well so we can do it"...and I think, "wow, that's really gonna get him in the mood" (not really). I hate that I feel like "Sergeant Do Me" (Ok, there are plenty of other terms I use that aren't appropriate). I set my alarm for 5:50 and at that time, am so relieved to already see Steve is awake and feeling better. Deed gets done. And I am happy...perfect timing.

But of course, let's not forget all of the extra fun that comes along with baby making during your fertile stage. The *having to lay after sex* part, so the swimmers get swimmin'. So many women don' fact, I bet 75% don't and still get pregnant. But not crazy me...No, we have a designated pillow that goes right under my tush as soon as we're done. Our doctor even said it can't hurt. Let me place this ever so beautiful image in your mind. Steve asks, "are you ready?"  I say, "yes", and within seconds, he grabs me by my ankles, like a giant baby about to get their diaper changed, and stuffs the folded pillow under my tush, while I say, "Don't look at my butt, don't look at my butt!!!" *place hand over my butt*ok, at least I'm smiling right now :)

He then treats me like I'm at a spa, asks what he can get me...a drink, a magazine, my phone, what channel I'd like on tv...and I lay there for a good tonight (or this morning, being that it was 1am), for was pretty nice. Tuesday is my later night cleaning.  Usually I come home and stuff some unhealthy junk down for dinner.  I came home and Steve had dinner made. We ate together and talked. I took a nice shower and then business was taken care of. Insert pillow example above...he hands me my phone and for the next almost hour, I play games on my cell phone, read peoples blogs (hey, I totally might have commented on your blog tonight, in the "pillow position"), text with friends, go on facebook)...and watch the clock for an hour to pass while my legs get tired and Steve snores as loud as a hippo in heat.  Still, I'm so thankful the 2 most important days, baby makin' wise are taken care of.  Now, we can relax a little and not worry about which American Idol contestant our cats resemble. :)

Tuesday was much better than Monday and I know Wednesday will be much better than Tuesday. This week will get progressively better. Steve took off Friday and we are spending it together.  I'm so looking forward to it. After today, I have the next few days free and I have some ideas to help me continue to get out of this funk!

Thank you everyone, for your kind words of encouragement on my last post...and for sharing in my crazy and ever changing journey! You guys rock! <3<3<3

I just keep telling myself, "It won't be like this for long"...

and to...

Ain't that the truth! (I need this fluffy!)

Happy Hump Day Everyone!
*Keepin' the FAITH

and thank you Marie, for helping to inspire this post and bring a :) to my day.

Monday, June 20, 2011

It Happens and Who You'd Be Today

"It Happens"  Sugarland

It's 2 in the morning and I desperately need some sleep. This weekend was lousy, stinkin'...NO GOOD. And I blame myself mostly. I could go with a really sad, depressing song, but I'd rather not...well maybe, I'll add one later.

So, yesterday's concert was a bust...and it's all my fault. Hmmm, where to begin...because I don't have much energy right now.  I woke up late yesterday...well, later than Steve wanted to leave...I took my sweet ole time getting ready, because you know what, I'm tired of rushing. He was in a huff n puff about it because we apparantely had parking spots saved for us. I kind of woke up on the wrong side of the bed, unfortunately. I was moody...I had so many scary, vivid dreams, Friday night. I woke up feeling cloudy, forcing myself to put a smile on.

After literally driving around for an hour and a half to find a parking spot...because the lots with our friends were full, we found one and parked. I stuffed a half a turkey sandwich down and Steve and I, and our cooler, headed towards our friends. I told Steve from the get go, I was in a stinky cheese mood and just feeling sad and DRAINED. All the emotion dealing is really taking a lot out of me. We get to our friends and I was thinking, I really don't even feel like drinking. Everyone knows what tailgates are like, and I just wasn't in the mood to partake in the games or drink my face off. So I stood there and watched as everyone had fun, smiles on their faces and kinda just felt empty. I really felt like a party pooper and knew that I wasn't feeling myself at all. Steve sensed it and asked if I was okay. I didn't want to ruin the day and plus I felt guilty he got these tickets and I really wasn't feeling the day.

I had one beer and started a second mixed drink...that's all I ever had yesterday...but it was like I had 20 drinks. My emotions got the best of me and there I am, standing, listening to the music blasting out of every one's cars and a song came on that I hoped wouldn't be sung at the concert, for fear of tears coming. And I lost it. It was one of those moments, where you feel, is this really happening? Am I really standing here amongst all these people, not able to control my emotions. UGH.  Steve told me he's pretty sure no one even noticed...which I hope is true, because I was Mascara McGilicutty!! I walked with Steve to get our tickets and was sobbing...totally feeling like the alcohol took over me. Steve didn't know what was wrong. I kept telling him I was okay. He was so concerned and told me there was no way we were going to go into the concert like this. I couldn't get a hold of myself. It's like every little thing that I've been dealing with and going through just ran through my brain...and it's so hard for me to talk about it sometimes. I can't explain it. Maybe it's because I feel like I shouldn't feel like this...I've asked myself all through this week, am I overreacting? Is this normal? And deep down, I know I should be able to feel whatever I do, but I guess I never knew how much it could hurt...and it's hard to sometimes admit that, especially to loved ones.  I guess because I don't want to worry them.

As Steve and I started walking out the parking lot, I was beyond mortified...he kept saying we were going...I made a fool out of myself. People saw me crying...probably just thinking I was crazy drunk...well, I was drunk...drunk on a few drinks and all these purged feelings. I fell asleep in the car after a few minutes...Steve said I was hysterical...and you know, I don't really remember too much more. That's how bad I was.

Ugh, it makes me sick just thinking about it...not even so much that we missed the concert...but that I feel like I ruined what should of been a wonderful day. So much for a "free" day.

This morning, after a very long night, I had one of those, "I hope that was just a dream" moments. I guess that's what needed to happen though. I was super vulnerable. I was so mad at the time, that Steve made us leave, but looking back...uh, yea, I would have never made it or enjoyed myself.  I probably would have tried to jump up on stage with Kenny...steal his guitar and bash it on stage...maybe grab the microphone and sing a sad, pathetic homemade, on the spot song, like Adam Sandler in the "Wedding Singer"while lunging myself off stage into the crowd . We fought alot...but it was nonsense.  I wasn't even making any sense.  I didn't get anywhere with my state of mind and this morning, when I was crying to Steve about how sorry I was, how much I wish it didn't happen, how bad I felt. He said, Maria...
it happens.

He said it's over and done with and we move forward. He told me he could tell I was hurting badly yesterday...that it wasn't just "o, you had too much to drink"...and he said, "you had your turn"...because back in November, Steve had one of those nights...It was the week after us finding out about his karyotype results. We went out with friends for a drink and after one drink, Steve's acting like he just drank a bottle of the point where he was crying for everyone to see. And that night I let him cry and scream and get angry and not make sense, because I knew he needed to. It was him being vulnerable and in a way, it was comforting...because I knew he needed to let it all out.  He felt so bad the next day...he was ashamed.  I know how he felt...

So, yesterday...I had that moment.
Shit Happens

Steve can be a hard head a lot of times but he forgave me and told me what I always tell myself..."everything happens for a reason"...maybe it needed to.
and just exactly like all I'm trying to deal with in this journey, I need to learn to "LET GO"...
Steve said something to me today, that really made me thankful...he told me that I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself for this or that.  And he is so right.  We talked about how we need to get back to a routine.  I need to start taking better care of myself. And I'm going to touch on these points and more in a later post. As Steve mentioned in his guest post, we can't let this dictate our life.  And it gets in the way...especially lately...
Working on finding that balance amongst the chaos. 

I'm sorry Kenny Chesney...I totally missed your concert. All because I acted like a complete fool...

I used to listen to this song after my first few miscarriages and pretty much have a pity party late at night...I have this collection of songs, I try and not listen to...I have to stop and realize, it's okay to's okay to hurt...
and this is the song that was playing yesterday...

"Who You'd Be Today"  Kenny Chesney


"Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday

Someday, Someday"

Thanks for listening to my ramblings and my pathetic story of pa-thet-ic-ness(yea, that's a word)...I'm hoping for a brighter week! It's just gotta be.  I cleaned too much today...I still feel like I'm walking. Luckily my mind is turning off...going to take a shower (actually, in our bedroom shower) steps...

Happy Monday, Please o Please be Happy!!


Saturday, June 18, 2011

Half Of My Heart

"Half of My Heart"  John Mayer featuring Taylor Swift

I remember driving home one day in September, shortly after my third miscarriage, and this song came on the radio.

That night I opened up "word pad" on my laptop and began spilling my feelings...I started what I thought someday, would be the beginning of my blog. And this song triggered my emotions to start writing. I didn't get too far and I remember letting Steve read it. He told me I should keep with it but I never finished. I just wasn't quite there yet.

"Half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time"

Here it is nine months later. There's much more clarity. There's understanding. And I see peace in the future. But my heart is definitely doing some healing.

Our doctor's appointment on Thursday was a 9.5. The only reason it wasn't a perfect 10, was our doctor running an hour behind. This never ever happens and we weren't was just making me more emotional and Steve had to get back to work. Once we sat down in his office, I took a deep breath and was ready to start with the questions. He apologized for the timing and interruptions and even though we knew he had a million different things going on, he gave us his attention and had a permanent smile on his face, that made me feel more at ease. He got out his pen and pad and I noticed a specimen cup to the right of him. I thought, "Oh no Mr, you can put that away this month"...
He asked us how we were feeling and made sure to get down the first day of my cycle. I flat out said to him that Steve and I would like to take this month upon ourselves...with no IUI, no monitoring, no meds (as I haven't been taking for the past few months) and simply wait and see if we were pregnant at the end of this cycle. He said that was perfectly fine and healthy for us, if that's what we feel will help us. I told him that I've been dealing with a lot of emotions and that if we weren't to conceive on our own soon and/or were to get pregnant and lose again, I could sense a change coming.

He then gave us all the info, if and when, on the donor process. He explained the meds that would be used. He explained the costs and the extreme importance of timing on everything. And that's when I really realized how thankful I am to have this next month or however many, to just take a breather...not completely stop...but be able to take it a little bit easier. Because the donor process will involve even more doctor's appointments than we are used to...medications will be introduced again...
and lets not forget, lots and lots of monitoring with Mr. wand ma jiggy.
If and when the time comes, I'll be more than ready for it with a smile on my face.  But, it just proves to us how healthy this month is for us.

We left feeling like all of our questions were answered and it was sweet, when we went to check out, the secretary took our folder and said, "Have a nice day're good" and winked. The long wait earned us a free $40, as they took care of our co-pay. Our doctor did this back in February when we miscarried. No, $40 sure doesn't come close to making up for the loss, but it certainly is nice to not leave, feeling like, "why did I just pay any dollar amount to be told I'm no longer pregnant".

We decided to get bloodwork done that is necessary for the donor process. It can't hurt as it takes a bit for the results to come in (which we already know, having every blood test under the sun in the past years). That is our first baby step. We are holding off on checking out the site with all the donors, for now. We've peeked at them here and there in the past, but I want to concentrate on NOW.

Once I got home and it all started settling in, I began to feel pretty drained. My mind is running a mile a minute...and it hasn't stopped. I know, slowly, each day will bring on pain and healing in different ways. And I'm coming to terms with the fact that this is how it's going to be for now and it is only going to bring me to a happier, peaceful place in the future.

Speaking of happy...Thursday night we celebrated Kelly's birthday, again. Kelly, Jessica and I were excited we all got to have a girl's night again so close to our last. It was a fun one!

Kelly Me and Jessica...Dinner @ Marly's

Kelly and Jessica
Kelly and I

Jessica and I

I think this is "Take 382" of Kelly and I...we were lol at how tired I looked and how much Kelly and I looked like we didn't like each other

Kelly helping me keep my eyes open ;)
we decided, this was the best one LOL

My loves, after a fantastic evening!

Last night, we went to see my brother play @ his newest gig in town. I was so happy, he had a great crowd of friends and family, listening, clapping and singing along. What a great night!

My brother, Nicholas

Me and Mom

Ashley and I

Aunt Sharon and Dave

Ashley and Mom

HAHA Dave and Steve singing along

Me and Brigid

Dad and I

Me Nicholas and Mom

My Mom,  Yee haww Debbie, stealin' the show

Me and Mom

My Babe and I

So, here I am, 10 days into my cycle...the beginning of our "fertile stage". From today, until about Friday...I'm hoping for a bit more of a relaxed approach...maybe the most relaxed since we started. All I'm asking is for one (or two)...(or three?) ;) little month(s) of this luxury.
I have to admit, it does feel good to know I won't be at the doctors until we find out if we are pregnant or not. I have a few ovulation tests left from last month's box. I'm still deciding if I want to use them. Because, come on now...we know the days to take care of business. They unfortunately or fortunately (depending on how you look at it) are programmed into us after it all.

Looking back to September, it wasn't nearly as easy for me to write about and cope with all of this...
And now, I realize, I didn't know what I was missing...
and I realize, how far we are truly coming.

When I really think about it, more than half my heart has a grip of the situation...
Let's go with 80%.
The 20%, that's taking this time, is working on getting there.
And you know, I think there's always gonna be 10% hanging around...that deserves that time. Time to remember this journey. Time to reflect whenever it strikes us.
So, here's to getting to that 90%
and always keeping that 10% deep in my heart.

Last month, Steve surprised me with tickets to the Kenny Chesney concert. We are headed there later this morning. 2 country concerts for Steve, in one month!! Wow, he's surely earned himself some points! ;) I'm so looking forward to it. I feel a good, "free" day ahead of us...
saying goodbye to the tough stuff for the day...
Like the lyrics to one of his songs,
"No shoes, no shirt (ok, I'm keepin' my shirt on, promise), no problem...blues, what blues...hey, I forget em"...

Happy Saturday Everyone!!
Hope your weekend is full of sun and fun!!

<3 data-blogger-escaped-br=""> Maria
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