"All The Things We've Never Done" - Martina McBride
A year ago, today...was the first and only time out of our 5 pregnancies...we had an ultrasound that showed an image of a baby...one with a heartbeat. I'm not too big on having cryfests on the anniversaries of the times we had misses. I always remember the dates of when I found out I was pregnant...and the days that we lost them...more so because I have a memory for numbers. But today, I had a really good cry...I'm having a really good cry. April 28th, last year...was the day of our 1st ultrasound with our second pregnancy. The time we were pregnant, unknowingly with twins. A few days ago, when Steve and I were talking about everything, he told me he thinks about this day of last year, all the time. It's all he had to say and the tears were pouring from both of us. Hearing that he does too, made me feel even more connected to him. I told him that I think about it often...because it is truly the last time we had any visual proof and visual hope that everything was going to work out. Every once in a while, the image just pops into my mind...staring at the ultrasound screen...praying to see an image...knowing what I was looking for...and then, it was there...this tiny limabean...(what steve called it as soon as it came up on the screen)...it was still early...and our doctor didn't tell us there were twins until we missed. We were back less than a week later because I was miscarrying. The next ultrasound showed nothing but a blank screen...I knew...and I didn't cry at that moment. It wasn't until our doctor realized that he needed to perform a partial d and c...to remove what was left...so my hormone levels would go down quickly and my body would recover easier. It all happened so fast. In a matter of 30 minutes, I was told I was no longer carrying a baby, that we would have had twins, and I was having a d and c in the office. Steve held my hand so tight during the procedure. I was concentrating on this single painted square on the ceiling...trying so hard to stay calm and pretend it wasn't happening...and then I looked at Steve...his tears were streaming...falling onto my hand...and I lost it. I remember telling my ob at that time, not to worry, that I wasn't in pain and I was just upset. Physically, it wasn't fun...but my heart was aching so much...nothing else could really hurt me.
I know how hard this is for Steve...I know he beats himself up at times...I know he wishes he could change it and he has times of such guilt...times that I don't know what to say or do to comfort him. I know at times, he feels to blame for the reason we don't have a child. I remember hearing this song years ago. My mom burned me this cd. I told her this song was beyond cheesy. Times change, and here I am now...bawling, listening to it...because it says it all for me. The reason I'm reliving everything today, isn't so much because I'm sad about that day, a year ago. I'm thinking about how far we've come since October 09'...how much we have learned about ourselves...about love...about being tested to your limits. Mostly, I'm thinking about what a wonderful husband I have. I'm thinking about - all the reasons Steve feels guilty, are all the reasons I love him more. I feel so lucky...to still be here...together...through all the times of insanity...the times of feeling lost and hopeless...the times we wanted to give up. Here we are now...growing stronger...loving more...learning so much about ourselves separately and as husband and wife. I always say to him, "do you really understand how much I love you?"...I love him through it all...I love him when he's being an a**hole...I love him when I'm being a complete b*tch. The times I'm so mad, so loud, so crazy...they are all out of love and passion. I love him no.matter.what.
"I simply blink my eye
And think as years fly by
of all the things we've never done" (Martina Mcbride)
"She smiles and takes his hand in hers
And says It just occurred
To me now
The thought that brings you such regret
What hasn't happened yet
It makes me proud..."
As nuts as things have been at times, this past year...we are still here fighting for it. We want it even more. We are so far from wanting to give up. We are more connected. More passionate. There are the days I can remember thinking, we both have lost our minds...there were fights that were so big, at the time I didn't know how we'd get through...times we felt like - how can we keep doing this? But after this day, a year ago...we had 3 more pregnancies...resulting in 3 more miscarriages...we got news that shook our hearts and souls...we cried, screamed, said words we didn't mean...had days we wanted to say "F this"
We are still here...we are healthy...we are going to keep pushing through...and as trying as times may get in the future...eventually they are going to get better. And most importantly...those good, bad, happy and scary times are all going to be with the man I love and trust...and wouldn't have it any other way with.
"You never walked away
When I needed you to stay
Or made me feel I'm not the one
There've been no broken vows
And the reason we're here now
Is all the things we've never done"
Here's to us, next year, on this day...no matter what...being even stronger, even more in love...and thankful for "all the things we've never done."
"We've never been untrue
And I'm still here with you
Through all the things we've never done"
We have an appointment later this afternoon to talk to our doctor. I will update soon!
Happy Thursday!! <3